and Lord, break my heart for what breaks yours.

i made myself promise last night as i was falling asleep that i would start off the week made new. stop struggling, and take a step forward.

i promised myself i would start trying harder to put things in the past.

forgive more.

put my heart on the line.

have a bit tougher skin.

i also promised myself that no matter what i get in return, i will love with everything i've got.

* * *

yesterday afternoon a friend and i sat down and had a chat.

he told me that he'd been struggling so much over the last week.

well when we went our separate ways, i had this unsettled feeling at the bottom of my stomach. i tried and i tried, but i couldn't explain it. i didn't have a reason to be unhappy or upset about something. and so i spent the rest of yesterday, and a bit of today wondering why i have been feeling the way i have.

and then it clicked.

it's the seeing my friend in pain. it's the seeing him hurt like i have hurt so many times.

and i don't think i'll be quite settled until he is.

hope is a funny thing.

i used to hope for someone to come along and fill up all the places, all the gaps in my life, that i needed filled.

now i hope for God to break my heart over what breaks His.

which has been hard, because sometimes letting my heart break for someone completely can be vulnerable. it can mean stepping out and loving them with everything i've got. and loving like that is a risky sort of thing.

but you know what's risky, too?

leaving someone by themselves. alone, and at the bottom of a deep dark pit. the kind you feel like you're not getting out of this time.

i remember being a younger, depressed me. and i remember a handful of people knowing i was hurting, but yet refused to do anything about it. refused to hug me, because they were worried i might cry. and then that might be a little bit awkward for them if i did. if i cried.

so i never cried with them. i remember being confused and hurt over it all. and today i understand it better. but i'll never forget that kind of hurt.

and so i don't want to leave someone alone ever, ever again.

i want to willingly give what i didn't get. even if it means being in pain when they're in pain, too.

even if it means laying my heart out on the table, just waiting to see what people choose to do with it.

you've gotta love.

and you've gotta love with everything you've got, or don't love at all.

because sometimes i think i'm proof. living proof that He loves His children far too dearly for words. the fact that i am still alive today is the proof. or at least, it's proof enough for me.

because i was down to my last two percent.

i almost gave up.

i almost gave up on hope.

i almost gave up on life and friends and my future.

but something changed.

and it was never immediate.

it was slow, and it was gradual.

but, God held tightly onto my hand through it all.

He held it long enough to get me to a place where i wasn't wanting to end everything anymore. and only after i could finally see, after it was all over, i realized He'd been holding onto me through it all. so that in the end, i decided i was never letting Him go ever again.

* * *

but hope.

hope is a funny thing.

it's so much to wrap your brain around sometimes.

and you know, sometimes i don't even quite understand it.

but hope is all we are ever looking for.

it doesn't matter if we are glued to Jesus, we all still need that hope. that reason to wake up in the morning sometimes.

hope that it will get better.

hope that i will be forgiven.

hope that i will heal, and that the old pain will go away.

hope that the relationship might mend.

so if someone needs hope, i think it is better to let them know that they aren't hoping alone.

i can't say much with certainty, except for Jesus, and except for this: 
everyone wants to know that they surrounded, and that they are loved. that they are needed. that there will be a day when the pain fades away and they are happy. because we all face temptation. and we all face sin and shame and guilt and pain and hurt and loss and grief. so that when it's all over, we need hope. but we also need people- we need love that doesn't fail or give up, to hope with us when we start to wear thin. because we will wear thin. that's a promise. but you know, hope is something promised, too. Jesus promises it.

and Jesus heals.

when you can't keep going, remember that there's still some good in this world. and it's always worth fighting for.

the lord of the rings // the two towers

(frodo) "I can't do this, Sam."

"I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something."

"What are we holding onto, Sam?"

"That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.” 

when the waves are taking you under, hold on just a little bit longer. He knows that this is gonna make you STRONGER.

i've spent the last few days understanding, or trying to understand, what it means to cling to God's hand. even when i don't know what's going on.

even when i have horrific nightmares.

even when i look in the mirror and don't like what i see.

i've been holding on. but a lot of the time, i have these things happen and i can't imagine why the heck He'd let them happen. to me. to anyone, really. because they're that awful. they're that painful.

but. stronger.

stronger is the word i've been writing all across my heart.

somehow, He knows that this is gonna make me stronger.

in the end, years from now, He knows the person i'll be. and i can be a better, stronger person because of this. if i let Him mold me into that person.

i've been told that i "inspire people".

well, maybe i do. maybe i don't.

but if by chance someone needs a hand up- a boost- today, here's something i want to say to YOU, then:

even when the waves are taking you under, precious,

hold on just a little bit longer.

because just 24 hours, even, can make a huge difference.

they are with me.

every day as i take a step back from the mirror, not look into it so much, and try to figure out what it is He is wanting to show me through all this, i am finding joy.

which is something i've been desperately looking for for the past couple of years.

even when it hurts, i'm still trying to find joy.

and i can find joy in the fact that i have dear friends to see when i get home from this trip away.

i can find joy that i am finding healing, slowly but surely, from losing my best friend. i always thought i couldn't do that, but i am. because of Jesus. all because of Jesus.

i can find joy in the fact that i am stronger, much stronger, than i was this time last year.

this time last year year i had a long list, and still do, of broken dreams. a list of people who didn't do their jobs in my life.

but God is showing me that all those things weren't necessarily what i needed. some things i don't necessarily need. and i don't need anything like i need Him.

and He is giving me what i need to get through each day, a step at a time.

He's giving me a reason every day to SING. and sometimes, that means singing anyway.

even after i have a bad dream and i have fear and i don't know how to cope anymore, He tells me that it is gonna make me stronger.

the nightmares will make me stronger.

like Dad's cancer made me stronger.

like losing my best friend made me stronger.

like all these insecurities will make me stronger.

somehow, and i don't know how quite yet, i want to let Him make me stronger through this.

* * *

so.

so let this make you stronger, beautiful.

somehow. i don't know you and i don't know what's wearing you down. but.

but it's all the same.

He knows that this is gonna make you stronger.

so, so much stronger.

when all you see in your reflection are mistakes and tears | God, say the words that heal my heart.

i hate mirrors.

i really, really do.

because every time i look into one- and i don't have to look hard- i see a hundred things that could be different. should be different.

lighter-colored eyebrows.

a smaller, straighter nose.

paler skin without scarring all over it.

bigger, brighter eyes that could be spread apart more.

and i would like to see straighter hair. calmer hair. not this natural mess on top of my head.

* * *

i had been spending a fair amount of time on the right path. as far as not believing lies and stuff goes. i had been believing the truth. i had been walking confidently. for a little while, i was trusting what God says about me.

but.

you know.

you notice how no one ever says anything about you. no one ever compliments you anymore. and you wonder why. and you panic.

you remember when someone told you you were ugly. fat. worthless, even.

and you look in the mirror, and you cry. you feel miserable.

you'd like to scream at God for making you the way you are. for making you who you are.

lately, i look at the professional dancers i wanna be like. and all i see is skinny, skinny, skinny. and it looks really good on them.

so i don't eat.

i lose weight.

and i'm still not happy with who i am.

i get it. i'm never gonna look different no matter how hard i try.

but that's hard to come to terms with.

it's so hard to accept that.

because i don't want to. so i get angry.

i wonder if anyone could ever love me for me.

not mind all the little mistakes all across my face.

and i wonder if they are mistakes.

if i really am perfect.

or if i'm not.

ballet can be a cruel, cruel world.

there's always something about you that could be better. could change. there's always something ugly about what you're doing.

after a little while, and it doesn't take long, that starts to wear you down to nothing. you learn what it means to hate yourself pretty fast. at least, that's how it's been for me.

but it's not just ballet.

it's the whole world.

it's my peers.

it's the way they look at you sometimes.

it's the things they say to you sometimes.

and you question why God put you here in the first place.

i've been questioning why God put me here in the first place.

why i only get a few quick breaks of happiness in between all the suffering.

so.

so i'm trying to find the words that will heal my heart.

i know what He says about me. it's never been about that.

but i also know what the world says about me, you see.

what ballet says about me.

it's just about choosing which one i am going to believe.

i'd be lying if i said i didn't doubt who God made me to be.

i doubt myself every single day.

i doubt my worth. i doubt my purpose. i wonder if i really have any value at all sometimes. or, if i left, if anyone would notice. or care.

right now, i don't know much of anything when it comes to knowing who i am.

so.

so i'm gonna work on that.

i know a lot of times i end posts by being all happy and positive and stuff, but right now, i don't know.

i'm just working on clinging to God on this one. because i don't know where i'm going, and i know He does.

because this is hard.

i've never struggled with my weight before.

but now i am.

i look in the mirror, and i don't like what i see a lot of the time.

and that doesn't even count how i feel when i look at my face.

so i'm figuring that out.

i'm trying to find some truth.

and that's really all i'm looking for right now.

but that's what genuine is all about, right? i think so.

i'm always looking for truth. in relationships. in being myself. in everything.

so this is just another thing to find truth in.

nothing's changed.

it's just another hurdle.

but i've gone through a lot of these. and because of Jesus, i've conquered them, too.

we've conquered them.

Him. and i. us.

so i'll cling to Him.

just like all the times before.

like every single time before.

He's never failed me, and He never will.

three kinds of happy | reflecting on a good year.

been listening to::  what if we were real  | by Mandisa

- painting for a dear friend. i used to be big into making art with my momma, an amazing artist, but... you know. you get busy and caught up in everything else going on in your life that you don't make time to do these kind of things anymore. but i had a lot of fun making this for my friend so i might be doing it more often. (:

- packing for germany. i'm one of those weird sickos that finds it fun- yes, actually fun- to organize suitcases. it's my groove thang. don't judge.

- reflecting on this whole last year. last year before school started, i made up my mind to aspire to being a professional ballerina someday. i knew it would be hard. i knew it was going to involve me growing up a lot faster. making sacrifices. working physically harder than i had ever worked before. and it has. but when i first decided what i wanted, i didn't want to tell my dance teachers. i'd be a jerk and a big fat liar if i said i was at the top of my class back then. no. heck. no. just no. i was pretty bad. so i didn't want to tell my teachers what i wanted because i thought they'd say i couldn't do it. because i simply wasn't good enough. i wanted to wait to tell them when i was better. but, in the end, my mom and i told one of my teachers together. i've had her since i was four or five. and she surprised me.

she told me to go for it.

so i have spent the whole year "going for it".

and it was a good year. a hard year, but a good year.

i became a different person.

at the start of the school year, i wanted to look like a goth. so i did. i became that person.

i lost some dear friends over it. and it broke my heart. they judged me for my outer appearance. they didn't look at what was in my heart anymore.

i slipped back into depression.

i was angry, and i was hurt.

then some things happened to make me feel a fresh burden of shame and guilt. things i later learned i didn't need to feel. i had been believing lies for months. and it was all so crippling, i almost decided to end my life.

and that's another thing, i made a really amazing friend. someone i knew, but not really. i had known of him for three, almost four years. but things changed when i was at the end of my rope and needed someone to talk to. which was big for me. i hadn't trusted anyone in a long time. out of fear that they might leave. or that they might get to know me, and then run off in the other direction. which terrified me either way. so i just didn't want to try to make friends anymore. i was settling for being alone.

but i was so weighed down by everything collapsing around me that i decided to be brave. and thus far, this person had seemed pretty trustworthy.

so we met for coffee.

and. you know. he's pretty popular here on the blog.

he's the one i made the painting for.

and he's the best.

and i feel so blessed to call him my friend.

seriously, guys.

he doesn't judge. he listens.

so after i met him, i mean really met him, got to know him, things started to change.

i prayed for the first time in a long time.

and God showed me what i needed to do next.

the next thing to do was change. the outside of me.

that was when i stopped with my gothic fling. that was when i set it to the side, and said goodbye to it. it was time to move somewhere else. figure out who i was all over again.

i figured out who was real in my life. i mean who was going to stay. and be real with me.

i learned what it means to give someone grace. real and true grace. what it means to forgive. and i am by no means done forgiving. but it's getting better. it's getting better every day.

the most recent thing was a sudden panic.

when i realized i had someone coming back in again, that i was letting someone back in again, i panicked.

i didn't want to relive what happened before.

so i wondered.

i questioned the meaning of community.

that's how much losing someone stills terrifies me.

because i remember the pain.

and how long it took before- how long it is still taking- to move on.

but here's the thing.

moving on from this thing is becoming easier.

i don't really know how God's doing it, i just know that my heart is becoming more and more okay with accepting that my oldest friend isn't going to be my friend anymore. she hasn't been for a long time, but i couldn't admit that for a long time, either.

now i can.

* * *

so.

so it's been a year since all this newer craziness started up.

it's been a roller coaster.

a crazy mess, but a beautiful mess nonetheless.

there was hurt, yes, but there has also been new healing. slow healing, but it's still healing.

and healing is making me stronger.

when nightmares and panic strike, get on your knees.

listening to: britt nicole | straight for your heart

it felt like i was forgetting, or maybe just starting to.

move on, inch forward a bit. not a lot, but a little bit,

but. you know.

you have nightmares about it. you keep on thinking and thinking about it until the fear and the worry of what could happen takes you over.

i've lost sleep over it.

i haven't been able to dance like i normally do, because it's been on my heart.

i feel sick to think about the whole thing.

-------------------------

three weeks away is going to be good.

three weeks away to clear my head again.

three weeks to put everything and everyone i know in perspective again.

and when i come back, i think i'll be ready. i'll be a little stronger, maybe.

* * *

a couple of nights ago, i thought i was on my way to healing.

and i still am.

but you see, i kept on thinking about the past.

i kept thinking about things that hadn't haunted me in a while.

new feelings i hadn't felt before about these things began to emerge. anger. fear. but mostly extreme fear. crippling fear.

these last few days, i've cried more than i've smiled.

because so much is changing.

for the first time in seven years, my dad has a job.

and for the first time in ten years, my family and i are taking a vacation.

i have a new friend who is near and dear to my heart.

but at the same time, i've got a big past clinging to my shoulders. and it doesn't seem to want to let go.

* * *

i know, right now, that i'm never too far to find my way back home. and neither are the people who have hurt me.

it's just the letting go. it's the pushing the depression away.

and as i start to let more and more people in, i think more and more of the friend i lost a long time ago.

that makes me cringe. that makes my heart sink and stick to the muck at the bottom.

i keep coming across her picture more and more. and all it does is hurt.

so i think i know now what i'm working towards is being able to look at that photo of her, and not feel the pain. not cry anymore.

i can't imagine that. still, three years later, i can't possibly fathom it.

these days, one incredible conversation with a real friend is always followed by a thought or two of my oldest friend. who left.

and then i get scared all over again. i panic. i wonder if i'll go through it all again. and then i wonder if i'd make it if i had to face it all again.

then i question if it's all really worth it.

if community is worth the risk.

the risk of my paper heart.

the last few days have proved that it is.

i remember laughing out loud when i texted a dear friend and asked him to pray for me. he was at a restaurant. he said he'd go pray in the bathroom, though, so it'd "be more real". love that kid.

but the last few days have proved that it'll be okay. it just hurts right now. but i'll get through it.

my Jesus got me through it once, He can get me through it again.

that is all i know. and so that's what i have to keep my eyes fixed on.

i'm gonna show you exactly what it means to be free.

the moment you decided to let love in.

listening to:

Better Days &

Let Love In

by The Goo Goo Dolls.

a cage.

a cage is a place that keeps you trapped.

and because you can't leave it, you have nothing better to do than think about how you got there in the first place. and how you're never getting out. ever.

months and months ago, i thought i had been set free. i thought i was gonna be okay. all set free, and okay. i thought i was done healing.

and then some things happened. things happened, and Satan locked me in a second cage. a cage that told me i was worthless. told me i was guilty and should feel shame.

for three months, i had lived in that same cage. and i felt like the cage was shrinking, and i couldn't breathe. i was slowly suffocating and i didn't know what to do. i didn't think it would be safe to tell anyone, so i didn't. for a very long time.

but then i did.

finally, i trusted someone.

and they told me the truth.

they said i wasn't guilty. that it wasn't my fault. that i was gonna make it.

but i didn't understand at first.

it took him saying it over and over and over again for my to even start to listen to him.

it took a week for me to start to believe him.

and it's taken about three for me to start feeling freedom.

" love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 

(first corinthians 13:7)

i was used to people finding me in a cage, but letting me stay there. not doing much, or anything at all to help me.

and i was expecting it with him, my friend. i was preparing my heart.

but he didn't.

he didn't just walk away like the rest.

it didn't matter how many times i tried to give him reasons not to believe what he was telling me, which was that i wasn't guilty. he didn't give up. he kept trying. and in the end, it did click.

and the door of my cage was unlocked. on rusty hinges, it creaked open.

timidly, cautiously, i peeked out of that cage. but he took me by the hands and tried- and is still trying- to get me to come all the way out. so that no part of me is left inside anymore.

and slowly but surely, i'm stretching my wings.

and he's showing me how to use them.

i never understood, or really ever felt the true impact of first corinthians 13:7. until this friend came along side me, to help me.

then i got it.

and when i hear this verse, i think of him. he heard my story. he didn't judge it, he didn't walk away. he bore it. he carried the burden with me.

he believed i could heal. he believed i wasn't at fault.

he hoped with me. that there was healing and that i would find it.

he endured every part of it. he listened to all the pain and all the frustration and the anger that came with my story. as i told it, he stayed by my side.

and i don't think he'll ever quite fathom how much that means.

because it means the world.

it means i'm getting out of the cage, and seeing the world for the first time.

it means i can live again.

it means i'm letting love in again.

it means that trusting someone for the first time in a long time was one of the best decisions i've ever made, and will ever make.

it means i'm gonna be alright.

it means i can relax. be still. and be calm.

because i know that if i fall back again- when i do fall back again- there will be arms to catch me.

these days i know God is never letting me go. and that is enough.

but there is something really wonderful and amazing and special, too, about having a hand there to hold when you need it most. a shoulder to cry on. a heart to trust in.

that, too, is irreplaceable.

and one day, you are going to find yourself again.

i didn't. i just didn't.

i didn't think i'd find the strength to be brave.

and even if i did, i didn't believe anyone would ever want to love me.

i figured, if i was lucky, i might end up married someday.

if. if i was lucky enough.

i remember all the times i cried myself to sleep, because i thought i'd be alone forever.

but i have learned that what i've lost in the past isn't going to effect my future. not anymore.

no matter how many friends i've lost, no matter how many friends have let me down and disappointed me and made me not want to love someone ever again, that's not how it's always going to be.

“everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water, and everyone you love is made of stardust, and i know sometimes you cannot even breathe deeply, and the night sky is no home, and you have cried yourself to sleep enough times that you are down to your last two percent, but nothing is infinite, not even loss. you are made of the sea and the stars, and one day you are going to find yourself again." 

 - finn butler -

when we are only truly afraid of the things that have already happened to us.

there is nothing more beautiful and wonderful and happy and all those feelings combined then being able to sit here and say i healed last week.

so much.

i told a friend some things about me. things i thought i had done wrong. he listened, and he didn't run away. he stayed. that was new for me. to have someone sit there, and stay.

but in the end, he said something i wasn't expecting. he said, "hannah, it isn't your fault. and you don't have to feel this burden anymore."

and it took days to believe that, because even i denied it for a while. but a week later, i've got the truth in one hand and the lies in the other. and every morning when i wake up i am proud to say i have been choosing the truth.

* * *

Satan played with my head for months over some things. told me these things were all my fault and i had screwed up big time. and i wasn't going to be forgiven for them. ever.

i felt so ashamed and had all this guilt weighing me down, i almost didn't make it. i really didn't. thoughts of ending it all began to slowly seep back in...

but at the end of my rope, God put someone in my life to give me a hand up.

and that hand up saved me. it really did.

things i'd been carrying around for months, blaming myself for, weren't even mine to bare.

that's what truth showed me.

today i understand what being vulnerable- and i mean completely laying your heart out there for someone to see fully- can do to a person. what it can do is heal a person.

when i told this friend everything, that in itself was scary. because, you see, i think that people really fear what has already happened to them. a lot of the time. and i fear losing someone again.

i fear trusting someone, believing in them, loving them, and then having them leave. that is what terrified me the most about being vulnerable with this new friend. someone i barely knew.

time and time again, someone gets to know me a little and then i don't hear much from them again. because i was too quiet. too reserved. and they didn't want to bother with me.

so when i met with this friend for coffee a week ago yesterday, i prepared myself for the worst. i prepared myself because i figured he wouldn't want to get together again.

but he did.

for the first time in my life, he did.

it didn't matter how quiet i was. he kept pulling me to get me to be brave. and i'm so glad he did. he didn't leave or walk out of that coffee shop. he didn't give up on me.

* * *

you know what is so much fun? to look back at three years ago. when i thought i would never mend. never move on from losing a friend. my only friend. i thought she would be my last.

but i can see now that she isn't. she won't be.

because of my newest friend, i'm going back to communities i left behind out of fear. out of fear of having a broken heart in the end.

but being broken is something i'm just going to have risk.

i don't know what the outcome of all of this will be. i don't.

but isn't that the point of being brave?

yeah, yeah i am pretty sure it is.

alright then. let's do this thing.

but this is not for you, this is for Him and it is for me.

these last few weeks turned into months very quickly.

they were months when i would get dressed every day and look in the mirror and ask, "who am i?" because i felt like something was about to change. i couldn't understand it. couldn't word it. but something was just different. and i didn't know what it was yet.

then, suddenly, i figured it out over these last few days.

i had changed.

i had recently gone through a lot. i made a new, true friend. i healed so much.

and i had changed.

from the inside out.

* * *

i've always known i wouldn't be this punk rocker forever. i knew i would change into another person. grow as i took another step towards who God ultimately wants me to end up as. who He wants me to be. i just didn't think it would be this soon.

when i figured out that i wasn't meant to be a somewhat gothic-looking rock star anymore, it broke my heart at first. i felt like for a little while now, i had just been doing all this for the shock factor. because i was angry. so, so angry. i was angry that people who claimed to love me were judging me for going a different route with my life. wearing darker makeup. painting my nails black. so i continued to only do things to get back at them. get even. which is what i never wanted this to be.

recently, God told me it was time to change again. when i asked Him what that was going to look like, He answered with something i hadn't done in a long time. something that looked like what i considered to be "normal". a foreign concept to me. a foreign way of life.

at first, it broke my heart. and it was like a death in a way, too. the death of me.

so here it is.

i'm not a rocker anymore.

i don't feel the calling anymore to be that person. i learned much while growing into that person, but that's just not me. not today.

and you know what? it's okay.

i'm not being any less genuine. i'm simply changing. which is what i always hope to be doing.

i'm not becoming someone else because life simply got too tough to bare. the haters were never more than i could take. but i knew i just couldn't continue on being someone that God was telling me it was time to put on the shelf.

not because who i was was bad. or because what i was doing was sinful, but because i am growing. i'm older. and much has happened to mold me into someone new over the past couple weeks. especially over the past couple of days.

* * *

so here's the story.

i am still me.

my heart has not changed. that never will. i will always strive for nothing more than individuality. it just won't be expressed in the same way. i'll probably look more calmed down.

and i still want each of you to be who you are. i still want you to be as genuine as possibly possible.

because i am still genuine, too.

but people change.

and i have changed.

and i don't want this to be sad anymore. i want this to be happy.

it's taken different experiences, different people, to bring me to this place. this wonderful, beautiful place of figuring out who i am all over again. the place where i have to rely on God completely.

and i am glad to be moving forward.

this is moving forward. right here, right now.

it's not a betrayal to my hard-rocking friends.

and i still may get a tattoo or two some day.

but i am different now.

and that's okay.

but i change for me, and not for the haters.

and chances are, the haters might not hate on me so much once they read my words and see a more normal-looking person start to emerge.

but this thing. this whole thing has shown me much.

it's shown me who my real friends are. who will always love me for me.

it's shown me what it means to be genuine. to be really and truly REAL.

it's shown me that i am beautiful, no matter what people tell me.

but most of all, it's changed the way i look at the world. the way i look at people. because now, i look at each and every one of them as walks of life.

these days, i see nothing but beauty when i see the mohawk. and the skull tattoo. the painted nails. the neon skinny jeans. the guy with the eyeliner. i see it, and i appreciate it more than they know.

because any Christian can say they are genuine simply by believing different than the rest of the world.

but it takes guts to put on something funky, and i mean REALLY funky, and walk out that door into the world. because then it's visible. it's something everyone sees and can judge and snicker at. but those are the bravest people, in my opinion. they are unashamed. they are the ones i have the utmost respect for.

and i cherish that.

* * *

i look different now.

people can tell.

the black eye shadow isn't there.

i don't wear all black. i wear more color.

my nails don't even get painted very often.

and it's not bad. i like it. i feel beautiful.

but the other stuff wasn't bad, either. i was beautiful then, too.

that was simply me, for a period of my life.

but now i am someone different. someone new.

i'm not choosing to be normal or less genuine. i'm simply letting God take control. and that was hard. it was so hard to let go of what He's been piecing together for a very long time.

but He has a perfect plan.

and i know now that this is just a small fraction of it.

and it is beautiful.

because it will never matter in the end what i put on my body.

it's just a shell.

what's on the inside is going to be what counts. at the end of it all.

it is what counts.

so here's to moving somewhere new. 

here's to lighting it up again and pursing what this blog is all about.

being who we were created to become.

and i was created to sit here, and write for you.

the last few days i thought about giving up on genuine through many hardships and endless struggles that seemed impossible to overcome.

but i have overcome them.

still, i am getting through them.

and i can see the light.

and in the end, i'm meant to be here. and still find a meaning to write. a reason.

that reason is to give you hope, beautiful.

and i'm not giving up that easy.

for all the years i asked myself, "could i move on?" now i can say, "yes, yes you can."

about this time four years ago, i wondered where life was going to take me next.

i wondered if i was losing my best friend.

a year or so later, i was pretty sure i had.

i spent all that time in between then and these last couple of days mourning that loss.

because in many ways, it was like a death.

no, my best friend didn't die. she simply went to middle school. she moved on. she made other friends. she became a different person.

but she was my only friend. and for the longest time, it felt like she had taken all of me with her. because forever after that, i couldn't find myself. i didn't know who i was anymore. and i thought becoming a hard-rocking goth would give me a new identity to believe in. but it didn't.

and because of her- after her- i refused to let anyone in.

for the longest time, i thought it was because i didn't want to have my heart broken again.

and i still believe that's the reason why, but i also think it was because i didn't want anyone replacing her.

and that is one thing i have learned this week. it's time to let people fill in her shoes. her role as best friend. but this time, i need many people filling in those shoes.

* * *

for the last little while, i began believing that only Jesus could own my heart. i thought maybe some day i would find myself a husband who could own it, too, but no one else besides them would ever touch my heart. no one was hurting me again. not like before. i just couldn't go through that again. i thought i just had to settle for never trusting anyone anymore. and i was beginning to believe that lie. it was becoming something i lived by every day. i was closing off my heart. building up high, high walls. pointless walls.

but as a new friend sat across the table from me last week over coffee, giving me a chance, i learned how wrong i was.

i have learned now that Jesus, He will always be first in my life. and He must be. but i can love again. i can have dear friends again. i can let someone love me again. and i can be okay again.

* * *

truth is, this journey of losing a friend and spending years feeling forgotten and alone were the roughest years i've been through thus far. they hurt me every single day. and not a day went by that i didn't think of her. didn't feel like my heart wasn't ripping at the seams.

but i'm ready to place that set of years on the shelf and stop looking back at them, wondering if they'll be okay up there. i'm ready to let something new come in and make me more free.

because during all those years i missed my friend, i hated myself, too.

and now that i am letting people in again, i'm learning to see the beauty in who God made me to be. i'm learning more about who He has made me to be. and what He's got planned for me. and how valuable and treasured i really am.

so i wouldn't have had all that i went through any other way.

and those are words i thought i could never say. in all the grief, they seemed impossible to even think of.

but He knew that thing, that big, terrible thing, would turn out to be beautiful and it would make me so much stronger. it would make me know who i am. it would force me to be alone, and to know who i am even when no one else is left to tell me i am wonderful.

because a smooth sea never made a very good sailor.

and i am glad the journey has been hard.

"then you will know the truth, 

and the truth will set you free." 

// john 8:32

james five sixteen.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. 

The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." 

on sunday, june 23rd of 2013, i took a brave step.

me and a friend set up a day to go and get coffee, and talk. just talk.

but i knew what we were gonna talk about, you see. this friend and i, we were gonna talk about me. and my life.

my life.

those two words say so much.

and i was scared, because i don't often known what people will think of my life. what they will think of me.

* * *

my life involves losing my one and only best friend. my life involves resentment and anger. my life involves self-loathing. my life involves insecurities. my life involves a whole lot of sin. a whole lot of shame and guilt. a whole lot of pain. a whole lot of trust issues. a whole lot of shoving people away. a whole lot of loneliness. a whole lot of depression.

but my life never involved the part where i told someone everything.

every part.

every bit. even the ugliest ones.

the parts never told before.

* * *

about five or so minutes early, i walked into a starbucks.

i sat down at a table close to the doors and sat down. hands shaking uncontrollably. i wrung them. i squeezed them till they were white. terrified of what was to come.

because what was to come was vulnerability. because a couple of days before, God told me to say everything. hold nothing back. be brave. take a jump. a leap of faith. and trust someone with all that i have. trust someone since my last best friend.

he said that to trust someone else was to trust Him.

i told Him i would, but that seemed moderately easy until the last twenty four hours or so before the day we would meet finally came. until i realized what was actually going to happen. what i would actually say. what was actually going to be said across the table.

* * *

when this friend finally walked in we said hi. we got drinks and we sat down. the whole time, i was terrified. absolutely terrified.

terrified of what he would think of me once it was all said and done.

the first thing he asked was where i was. how i was doing. what was going on.

i sat there, struggling to find the words. figure out where to start. because i knew it was time to tell the long, long story. the broken story that i was trying so desperately to find the beauty in.

but he started first. he saw the fear behind my eyes. he told me everything.

and it felt like a safe place. so that little by little, the tenseness went away. the nerves relaxed. and by the time his story was over, i could tell mine. and feel peace.

on june 27th, 2013, i said, "yes, Lord, i will be vulnerable with this heart. i will finally let someone in."

so i started at the beginning. i told him a lot. but would get to certain parts in the story and pause, wondering if i should tell him that part.

in the end, i pushed away the lies. the lies that said i was ugly. that i was unforgiven, and told him even the hardest, saddest, ugliest parts. i would tell him, and look at the ground. but by the end of the story, i could look him in the eyes. and there was no judgement there. there was no finger-pointing. only acceptance. only understanding.

and when it was all out there, i realized there was no going back. now someone knew it all. and i was scared of what that was going to mean from here on out. but he didn't act scared off. he didn't walk out of that coffee shop. he stayed.

i opened my soul. i let someone in.

and they stayed.

so all i have are words of gratitude today. because i'm sorry, but i just don't have anything else. all i've got is this:

thank You, Jesus, for putting someone here with me who wants to stick around.

thank You.

thank You.

thank You for a friend.

thank You for letting me walk out of that starbucks a free person.

because i no longer have to keep this burden to myself.

thank You.

thank You.

thank You.

You have blessed me beyond measure.

and You are always faithful.

and I love you, Lord.

thanks for being so good to me.

one layer at a time.

i've sat here, in this exact same place, staring at a blank place to write a post, for a long time.

wanting to write certain things, fill up the blank places of this blog left uncolored, but the thought of it just hurts too much. is simply too terrifying.

so that's when i'd leave the page. close the browser. and leave the subject alone. leave that hidden corner of this blog left empty. leave a story untold.

because there's always been the subject of the things i've done.

because there are things i've left untouched- unmentioned- because of the shame. and the guilt. and the thought of what people would say.

i didn't want anyone to know for the longest time.

today, i still don't.

* * *

you see, time and time again i've wanted to write about sin.

because i think that too many people keep secrets all their life, because of shame. because of the shame of what they did.

and now i think must write, some day, about what i've done.

i must be vulnerable.

i must be brave.

put myself out there.

but the thing is, i'm not ready.

i'm not ready to unfold that layer quite yet.

but i want to get there.

and i will.

i know i will.

i'm getting closer and closer every day.

i'll peel up the layer a little bit, and think of what it might look like here, written across the screen.

but right now, it's just too soon. it's still to painful. and i'm still learning to forgive myself.

* * *

some people say i'm an introvert.

some people say i'm an extrovert.

but in the end, it depends entirely upon who that person is. if i'm comfortable around them or not.

and what i'm learning these days is that whether i'm comfortable with someone or not, i still must let my heart show.

because every one of us is fighting a hard battle.

every one of us needs to know they aren't alone.

that they are still wanted, even after all they ever did.

and i'm still learning that for myself. i still need to know it and write it all across my heart.

so.

so some day.

one of these days even the last fragments of guilt will get picked up and thrown away. become long gone.

that's when i'll come forth with more.

but until then, you can know that nothing could shock me. and nothing will ever shock me.

whatever you did, it weighs the same as what i did. exactly the same, precious one.

and you and i, we're both beloved.

and you and i? we're both gonna be okay.

tentatively brave, but brave nonetheless.

listening to: 

(brick by boring brick){paramore}

(never gone){colton dixon}

i've spent the last week working through so many feelings. and thoughts. and working on where i stood.

how i was going to overcome some sin.

how i was going to forgive.

how i was going to let go.

but mostly, how i was going to move forward from all these places.

including a fairly recent place called lonely.

* * *

this fairly recent place recently started to change. it is now about me and about some people. new people. people to learn to trust. these people have reached out to me, but even for as much as i have wanted this, i am still too afraid to cling to their hands and let them help me up.

i still struggle with trust.

i still don't know what it is to lay it all out on the line and share even my darkest places with someone. because i've never done that before. it's always just looked too scary. like there was far too much to lose. i've never looked at what was to gain before. what was to gain from letting myself unfold in front of someone.

i want that, but i've still been too afraid to let it happen.

last week i was asked to get together with one of these new people, and just talk.

i put it off for a week simply because of fear.

because i was terrified of being vulnerable and what could happen if i went there.

* * *

if i have learned one thing about bravery, it is that it is never comfortable.

that's the thing about being brave, you see.

i guess i always thought it would come easy, or something. i thought being brave would feel wonderful and amazing in the midst of it all. but it never has. not once. the end results are always what i wanted, but the choice to be brave and just do it is what keeps me on the fence. wondering if it's safe to jump or not. i have this person at the bottom saying they'll catch me, but i'm left standing there, worrying about the worst. which is that they might not catch me. because in the past, no one ever had.

but here is the thing.

i am learning that even if they don't, the fall and the experience that comes from that fall is going to be worth it. i will learn so much if i just let myself fall forward a little, and be brave.

because i don't consider myself to be a very brave person.

but i want to be.

and i believe these are the baby steps toward what i want most.

and that is to love again. to trust someone with it all- a human being, i mean, because i trust God completely now. but not people. not quite yet. and i think this is how i'm going to start putting the pieces of a shattered community back together. a shattered heart, back together.

i think i'm going to trust again.

and you have no idea how happy and excited that makes this heart.

after all, this is my Year of Action. and to go into action requires movement. so this is me moving from alone, to comforted. surrounded. going out- seeking out- people and real relationships.

so.

so hello, community. it's real nice to meet you.

these layers that hurt. i'm gonna trust you with them. and i can only hope you don't run away, too // thanks, bro, for staying

listening to From Where You Are | Lifehouse

recently i spilled out pieces of my story to someone i don't know all that well.

it took everything. being vulnerable.

i bit my nails and my stomach turned to knots as i waited for him to respond through a facebook message. i waited to see how he'd react when he learned i once had these suicidal thoughts.

but he did respond. and i was surprised.

he had listened. he had understood.

he said he'd pray for me. he said he was there for me. that he had my back.

i guess i didn't expect him to take it that well.

because some people don't.

* * *

i spent the whole week after that thinking about how nice it'd be to find some real friends. meet some very real people.

people i could trust with everything. every part of my story, rather than just bits and pieces of it. the bits and pieces i know they could handle. the pieces that wouldn't freak them out too bad.

it was then that i thought, "this guy, he could be someone i could really be friends with."

i felt so blessed. so blessed i cried.

but then my mind and my heart started to wander to before. what all happened last time i trusted everything to one single person. and how when that person left, a part of me died. and i didn't ever want to trust people ever again. i discovered how fragile i actually was, and i didn't want to break. i didn't want to hurt anymore. i didn't want to look at these scars anymore. i loathed them. i resented all the people behind them. so i didn't want to risk the end of everything by loving someone again.

i made up my mind long ago never to trust a friend again.

* * *

so today i am asking myself the question, "could i trust again? and could i be okay with the fact that they may leave? but that it doesn't have to break my world in two next time?"

because what i am afraid of is the leaving part of the story. being rejected. feeling unwanted all over again.

truth is, i'm not yet okay with losing someone.

i really, really hate loss.

i really, really hate losing friends.

there are these layers of me that get peeled back every day. layers i often don't want to face.

layers that show me how insecure i still am.

layers that show me my sin.

layers that show how much healing still needs to be done.

layers that show me my fear of losing people. my fear of losing the love i thought was real and true and the love i thought would stick around. but didn't.

so for a long time, i just assumed don't ever get close to anyone again. because they could just as easily get taken away from you.

but i'm learning.

and when i picture in my mind these new people that i'm learning to trust, i picture them holding strings attached to my hands and legs, like a marionette. lifting the strings, making me do things i've never done before. showing me how to walk again. showing me how to be brave again. showing me what love really means. showing me how to love again.

and i am grateful.

i am so grateful.

grateful that they are giving me a chance. reaching out.

because that is true love, world.

love has come for me | this past will not enslave me.

for years i've always put too much emphasis on the process of getting down on my knees and confessing whatever it was i had done wrong.

i thought God was always so ashamed of me.

and i didn't think God was all that loving when i realized how sad i was. that i was depressed. cause i never thought it would me who'd end up like i had. that just wasn't supposed to happen to me.

then it did.

today my youth group was sharing some personal stories.

something was mentioned about forgiveness.

and then it clicked in my head.

i was forgiven long ago.

all these years of carrying around baggage was just me. me having it all slung over my shoulder. letting it hinder me from living my life. baring all the weight. and there was so much of it.

it was something so simple, but it has finally clicked, i think.

this is where i finally realize that i am forgiven. that i don't have to keep on being ashamed. that i can stand proud and say i'm okay.

because God says i'm okay.

i was forgiven a long time ago.

i've spent years trying to figure out how to get rid of the shame. i'd try and confess, but afterwards, i still felt ashamed and didn't understand why. so i just walked away.

and i think all along i had been forgiven. i just had never forgiven myself.

that's all it was.

God has already said, "it's okay. it's done. now heal."

i think He tried to tell me that so many times. but i didn't hear any of it because i took so much upon myself. too much.

 * * *

so who am i?

i am beautifully broken.

i want to keep changing.

i don't want to be enslaved by my past. both by what i did, and what people have done to me and what's happened to me.

cause so much has happened.

Dad had cancer.

i lost my best friend.

i struggled with depression and anxiety and insecurities. and still do. every single day. i'll look in the mirror most days and not see the beauty that God sees. i'll hate myself for worrying all the time. i'll wonder why i've been so sad before.

wonder why it's been me who's screwed up so much and so bad.

it's all brokeness.

but i can still see that love has come for me.

and it's knowing now, too, that i'm not the only one trying to forgive herself. there are others to, who've messed up just as bad as i have. and our sin is exactly the same. weighs exactly the same.

love has come for all of us.

so forgive yourself, beautiful. just let it go. you can let it go now. you're okay.

set yourself free.

let Him set you free.

goodbye, blue eyes. goodbye, sunshine.

listening to:  goodbye by avril lavigne

i recently decided to start really saying goodbye to relationships that didn't quite work out. that weren't meant to be. and if they were meant to, well then they weren't meant to be for as long as i had hoped. so i was shocked when they didn't. didn't end happily.

i lost my best friend.

i've also lost a boy or two.

and i've been losing people lately who don't accept me anymore.

all really amazing people who i thought would stick around, but didn't. and when they didn't, my heart got broken over seeing them walk away without even saying goodbye.

so now, after years and years of lingering around in the pain and trying- but not really succeeding- to heal, i'm learning what it means to pack my own bags. and start taking real steps forward.

real steps away from missing them.

real steps away from wanting them back.

real steps away from crying.

real steps away from hurting at the mention of their names.

especially hers.

especially my oldest friend's name.

* * *

sometimes people get frustrated with me. say i've held on for too long. ask me why i miss my old friend like i do.

well i miss knowing someone like i knew her.

i miss knowing everything about someone like i knew everything about her.

and it bothers me, even now, that i wouldn't know the girl she is today. that i've missed out on three years of her life. that makes me saddest, i guess.

it makes me sad when it really sinks in that we won't be in each others lives ever again. because for years, we had planned on our children being the best of friends. and now i think it's finally sinking in that that just isn't going to happen. it just can't. and it won't ever.

i miss feeling freedom like that around someone. complete freedom and acceptance. when i was a bit of a tomboy, she loved that about me. we were the girls who ran around without makeup and went fishing every friday in the summer. i miss that. i miss those times. and i remember them all. i've relived them since she left so many times so that i would never forget. because forgetting used to scare me so bad. it still does sometimes. i wanted to know them- the memories- so well that i could paint a perfect picture on a canvas. so that there would never be a chance of forgetting.

but one thing i miss most is what life felt like back when we were friends.

i miss the world where there was no pain. when i was younger and didn't have any of these insecurities or worries or real problems. when i didn't know what real pain felt like.

i miss playing barbies with her.

i miss hearing her laugh and seeing her crooked smile with those blue and green braces.

i miss her, i guess.

she was a tomboy and an adventurer and creative and wonderful.

and all of that is what i'm trying hard, deep down, to let go of. wrestling with myself in knowing what is best for me, but also what hurts to let go of.

i never would have guessed back then that all this could have happened.

that i would have to lose her.

that my heart would snap in two so easily.

after that, it made me want to lock everything away and never be vulnerable again. keep it simple. keep it safe.

* * *

i remember flying home from haiti. and thinking about my oldest friend.

i remember wondering about the person i'd be if she was still here. if we were still pals.

i can't be sure of much, but i do know i'd still be clingy.

and honestly, she probably wouldn't approve of the girl i am today.

but since, bravery has done amazing things to me.

bravery sent me to haiti.

bravery made me aspire to being a professional ballerina and a musician and a singer.

bravery made me try new things.

bravery made me not be so legalistic.

bravery got me to step out of each one of my wide boxes. one step at a time.

and it still is.

i don't think i'd be nearly as brave if we were still friends.

so on a plane back from haiti, i remember thinking about her.

it's true, i do miss her.

and i don't want to feel ashamed or sorry for missing her. i lost my best friend. it's normal to miss that. anyone would.

but it's been three years, and i think it's time.

i think i'm ready.

i've got a good, safe place to go to now when the road gets hard and i try to move on. i've got better people in my life and i've got a pretty good idea of who i am now.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i've got many homes now.

i've got a home in God, first and foremost.

i've got a home in so many new friends.

i've got a home in my family.

and i've got this home in knowing that my worth and my beauty never came from a best friend in the first place. i was wonderful with her, and i am wonderful even now. without her. wiser. and stronger. alright to walk the world alone, if i have to. i've got God now.

that's what has changed the most in three years. that is the one thing i am most proud of.

choosing to move,

hannah

when the line is fine. and hardest to walk on. still you must be brave, and run.

lately i've been riding the dividing line between being the friend and enemy of some people. people i guess i thought would be the ones to stick around. but once i changed my mind and made myself a name, i don't think they were expecting such a big change. i don't think they were at all sure how to handle me. and right now, it just feels like they've decided to hit the road and turn their noses up at me.

there are days when i'm sad about it. when all i want back is them. those special, bright people. and i cry, because i miss what used to be.

there are days i'm so angry i'd like to throw a punch. i'd like to scream. i'd like to leave them behind and let them see how it feels. judge them. see how it all feels. just be done. cause sometimes, i really don't know how much more judgement i can take.

there are days when i want to forgive. and days when i don't.

days when i call them my enemies. days when i call them my friends.

and days, like today, where i am trying to find that place in between. not hate them, but not give them every piece of my heart, either.

because i know that until they can change- if they decide to change- until they can open up their eyes, i can't do anything. i can only sit back and pray that they come around. see that i do what i do for myself. that i became who i am today because i am choosing to follow God's plan for my life. trying to figure things out and becoming something new. something better than i was before.

i'm not rebelling against these people, i'm rebelling against normal. and what the world would like me to be. i'm rebelling against suffocating to death underneath all the legalistic expectations. i'm becoming my own person. i'm trying to be brave and take more leaps of faith more often.

the reason i cry these days is because it hurts to have loved ones turn against you. the ones you thought you could trust with everything. and when you find out you can't, then nothing feels stable. everything feels like it could come crashing down at any time. any moment. any second. and everything you worked so hard to build up for yourself could get taken away.

and you wonder if you should just wait to become your own person until you're free some day.

but if i've learned something recently, it's that i can't keep waiting.

because i could die tomorrow.

i really could.

and don't want to waste time dreaming about the day when i would be free. i want to be free today. right now. and look forward to tomorrow morning because i'll be free, then, too. do things without worrying about what people will say or think... or do. what i could lose for being me.

i'm sure that can sound like i'm a loose cannon, that i'm throwing away everything, but i'm not. if you knew me for my whole life, you'd know how reserved i was. how quiet i was because i was afraid i'd say something and people would laugh at me. make fun of me. how afraid i was of being in real relationships.

i was so afraid of screwing up.

and i still am.

so now it is time for me to be okay with people thinking i'm screwing up. i know i'm not. i know that painting my nails black and being in a rock band and wanting tattoos someday isn't sinful. and i can't keep living to please people. i have to live to please God and myself. i have to live, and be happy. holding nothing back.

* * *

so lately has meant trying to forgive, without letting myself latch onto the same people again. without letting myself believe that they are gonna be good friends from now on. i need to start to separate myself little by little.

i need people who are going to support me in becoming me. support my dreams. support my individuality. because that's all i'm trying to be. me. myself. and i. that's all. i don't expect people to agree with me, just not put what i love and have chosen for myself down. because that cuts me all up inside. they have no idea how much it really does hurt.

that's when my heart hardens and i can't keep from labeling them as the enemy. i'm trying to forgive, or wanting to, and then they push me to the ground. and when i have a hard time getting back up, that's when it feels like it's going to be a thousand years until i can let go and move on. forgive them for thinking i'm a worse sinner than they are.

because some days i want them to stay.
others i simply don't.

i'm trying to love. i'm trying to help heal these people's wounds and support them and give them words to help them up off the ground. i'm trying to laugh with them. but that's hard to do when they aren't helping me along this road. this shaky, shaky road. when, repeatedly, i get shoved to the dirt. with words. with looks that kill.

some days i want to forgive.
others i don't.

i'm riding the dividing line and i'm learning to place the unhealthy relationships outside my life.

the thing is, last time i did that, i ended up with a very broken heart and a stack of years to spend evaluating how i was going to ever heal. how i was ever gonna let go.

but this time, i want to be able to move on and be okay when the deed is done.

i don't want to spend years wondering if i did the right thing or mourning over the loss.

i want to not be afraid to walk this road by myself. without people, i mean. because i've got God. and He is showing me how even when people disappoint, He never will. He really never will do what people will do.

He's showing me i need to be confidant without people to tell me i should be. that i need to know i'm beautiful- inside and out- without people telling me i am. that what i love is beautiful. that the black nail polish is beautiful. that the dreams of tattoos and piercings are beautiful. that the skinny jeans are beautiful. that the rock band is beautiful. because i am beautiful. and because my heart is figuring out how to shine brighter through what i love.

and i am learning to love and accept bravery.