i really, really do.
because every time i look into one- and i don't have to look hard- i see a hundred things that could be different. should be different.
a smaller, straighter nose.
paler skin without scarring all over it.
bigger, brighter eyes that could be spread apart more.
and i would like to see straighter hair. calmer hair. not this natural mess on top of my head.
* * *
i had been spending a fair amount of time on the right path. as far as not believing lies and stuff goes. i had been believing the truth. i had been walking confidently. for a little while, i was trusting what God says about me.
you notice how no one ever says anything about you. no one ever compliments you anymore. and you wonder why. and you panic.
you remember when someone told you you were ugly. fat. worthless, even.
and you look in the mirror, and you cry. you feel miserable.
you'd like to scream at God for making you the way you are. for making you who you are.
lately, i look at the professional dancers i wanna be like. and all i see is skinny, skinny, skinny. and it looks really good on them.
so i don't eat.
i lose weight.
and i'm still not happy with who i am.
i get it. i'm never gonna look different no matter how hard i try.
but that's hard to come to terms with.
it's so hard to accept that.
because i don't want to. so i get angry.
i wonder if anyone could ever love me for me.
not mind all the little mistakes all across my face.
and i wonder if they are mistakes.
if i really am perfect.
or if i'm not.
ballet can be a cruel, cruel world.
there's always something about you that could be better. could change. there's always something ugly about what you're doing.
after a little while, and it doesn't take long, that starts to wear you down to nothing. you learn what it means to hate yourself pretty fast. at least, that's how it's been for me.
but it's not just ballet.
it's the whole world.
it's my peers.
it's the way they look at you sometimes.
it's the things they say to you sometimes.
and you question why God put you here in the first place.
i've been questioning why God put me here in the first place.
why i only get a few quick breaks of happiness in between all the suffering.
so i'm trying to find the words that will heal my heart.
i know what He says about me. it's never been about that.
but i also know what the world says about me, you see.
what ballet says about me.
it's just about choosing which one i am going to believe.
i'd be lying if i said i didn't doubt who God made me to be.
i doubt myself every single day.
i doubt my worth. i doubt my purpose. i wonder if i really have any value at all sometimes. or, if i left, if anyone would notice. or care.
right now, i don't know much of anything when it comes to knowing who i am.
so i'm gonna work on that.
i know a lot of times i end posts by being all happy and positive and stuff, but right now, i don't know.
i'm just working on clinging to God on this one. because i don't know where i'm going, and i know He does.
because this is hard.
i've never struggled with my weight before.
but now i am.
i look in the mirror, and i don't like what i see a lot of the time.
and that doesn't even count how i feel when i look at my face.
so i'm figuring that out.
i'm trying to find some truth.
and that's really all i'm looking for right now.
but that's what genuine is all about, right? i think so.
i'm always looking for truth. in relationships. in being myself. in everything.
so this is just another thing to find truth in.
it's just another hurdle.
but i've gone through a lot of these. and because of Jesus, i've conquered them, too.
we've conquered them.
Him. and i. us.
so i'll cling to Him.
just like all the times before.
like every single time before.
He's never failed me, and He never will.