Monday, August 26, 2013

to struggle.

we are free to struggle, but we're already free. // i hope this blesses you:

Sunday, August 25, 2013

four |

been listening to this.
(and this too.)

>> going on a little creating frenzy (above).

>> buying new pointe shoes. and then having dreams about their complete and utter loveliness.

>> planning two concerts in one month with some of my dearest, most hard-rocking friends.

>> this perfectly perfect video. be warned: (if you're a crazy-hormonal girl, like me) you'll probably weep uncontrollably.

and Lord, break my heart for what breaks yours.

i made myself promise last night as i was falling asleep that i would start off the week made new. stop struggling, and take a step forward.

i promised myself i would start trying harder to put things in the past.

forgive more.

put my heart on the line.

have a bit tougher skin.

i also promised myself that no matter what i get in return, i will love with everything i've got.

* * *

yesterday afternoon a friend and i sat down and had a chat.

he told me that he'd been struggling so much over the last week.

well when we went our separate ways, i had this unsettled feeling at the bottom of my stomach. i tried and i tried, but i couldn't explain it. i didn't have a reason to be unhappy or upset about something. and so i spent the rest of yesterday, and a bit of today wondering why i have been feeling the way i have.

and then it clicked.

it's the seeing my friend in pain. it's the seeing him hurt like i have hurt so many times.

and i don't think i'll be quite settled until he is.

hope is a funny thing.

i used to hope for someone to come along and fill up all the places, all the gaps in my life, that i needed filled.

now i hope for God to break my heart over what breaks His.

which has been hard, because sometimes letting my heart break for someone completely can be vulnerable. it can mean stepping out and loving them with everything i've got. and loving like that is a risky sort of thing.

but you know what's risky, too?

leaving someone by themselves. alone, and at the bottom of a deep dark pit. the kind you feel like you're not getting out of this time.

i remember being a younger, depressed me. and i remember a handful of people knowing i was hurting, but yet refused to do anything about it. refused to hug me, because they were worried i might cry. and then that might be a little bit awkward for them if i did. if i cried.

so i never cried with them. i remember being confused and hurt over it all. and today i understand it better. but i'll never forget that kind of hurt.

and so i don't want to leave someone alone ever, ever again.

i want to willingly give what i didn't get. even if it means being in pain when they're in pain, too.

even if it means laying my heart out on the table, just waiting to see what people choose to do with it.

you've gotta love.

and you've gotta love with everything you've got, or don't love at all.

because sometimes i think i'm proof. living proof that He loves His children far too dearly for words. the fact that i am still alive today is the proof. or at least, it's proof enough for me.

because i was down to my last two percent.

i almost gave up.

i almost gave up on hope.

i almost gave up on life and friends and my future.

but something changed.

and it was never immediate.

it was slow, and it was gradual.

but, God held tightly onto my hand through it all.

He held it long enough to get me to a place where i wasn't wanting to end everything anymore. and only after i could finally see, after it was all over, i realized He'd been holding onto me through it all. so that in the end, i decided i was never letting Him go ever again.

* * *

but hope.

hope is a funny thing.

it's so much to wrap your brain around sometimes.

and you know, sometimes i don't even quite understand it.

but hope is all we are ever looking for.

it doesn't matter if we are glued to Jesus, we all still need that hope. that reason to wake up in the morning sometimes.

hope that it will get better.

hope that i will be forgiven.

hope that i will heal, and that the old pain will go away.

hope that the relationship might mend.

so if someone needs hope, i think it is better to let them know that they aren't hoping alone.

i can't say much with certainty, except for Jesus, and except for this: 
everyone wants to know that they surrounded, and that they are loved. that they are needed. that there will be a day when the pain fades away and they are happy. because we all face temptation. and we all face sin and shame and guilt and pain and hurt and loss and grief. so that when it's all over, we need hope. but we also need people- we need love that doesn't fail or give up, to hope with us when we start to wear thin. because we will wear thin. that's a promise. but you know, hope is something promised, too. Jesus promises it.

and Jesus heals.

Monday, August 5, 2013

when you can't keep going, remember that there's still some good in this world. and it's always worth fighting for.

the lord of the rings // the two towers

(frodo) "I can't do this, Sam."

"I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something."

"What are we holding onto, Sam?"

"That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.” 

Sunday, August 4, 2013

when the waves are taking you under, hold on just a little bit longer. He knows that this is gonna make you STRONGER.

i've spent the last few days understanding, or trying to understand, what it means to cling to God's hand. even when i don't know what's going on.

even when i have horrific nightmares.

even when i look in the mirror and don't like what i see.

i've been holding on. but a lot of the time, i have these things happen and i can't imagine why the heck He'd let them happen. to me. to anyone, really. because they're that awful. they're that painful.

but. stronger.

stronger is the word i've been writing all across my heart.

somehow, He knows that this is gonna make me stronger.

in the end, years from now, He knows the person i'll be. and i can be a better, stronger person because of this. if i let Him mold me into that person.

i've been told that i "inspire people".

well, maybe i do. maybe i don't.

but if by chance someone needs a hand up- a boost- today, here's something i want to say to YOU, then:

even when the waves are taking you under, precious,
hold on just a little bit longer.

because just 24 hours, even, can make a huge difference.

they are with me.

every day as i take a step back from the mirror, not look into it so much, and try to figure out what it is He is wanting to show me through all this, i am finding joy.

which is something i've been desperately looking for for the past couple of years.

even when it hurts, i'm still trying to find joy.

and i can find joy in the fact that i have dear friends to see when i get home from this trip away.

i can find joy that i am finding healing, slowly but surely, from losing my best friend. i always thought i couldn't do that, but i am. because of Jesus. all because of Jesus.

i can find joy in the fact that i am stronger, much stronger, than i was this time last year.

this time last year year i had a long list, and still do, of broken dreams. a list of people who didn't do their jobs in my life.

but God is showing me that all those things weren't necessarily what i needed. some things i don't necessarily need. and i don't need anything like i need Him.

and He is giving me what i need to get through each day, a step at a time.

He's giving me a reason every day to SING. and sometimes, that means singing anyway.

even after i have a bad dream and i have fear and i don't know how to cope anymore, He tells me that it is gonna make me stronger.

the nightmares will make me stronger.

like Dad's cancer made me stronger.

like losing my best friend made me stronger.

like all these insecurities will make me stronger.

somehow, and i don't know how quite yet, i want to let Him make me stronger through this.

* * *


so let this make you stronger, beautiful.

somehow. i don't know you and i don't know what's wearing you down. but.

but it's all the same.

He knows that this is gonna make you stronger.

so, so much stronger.

Friday, August 2, 2013

when all you see in your reflection are mistakes and tears | God, say the words that heal my heart.

i hate mirrors.

i really, really do.

because every time i look into one- and i don't have to look hard- i see a hundred things that could be different. should be different.

lighter-colored eyebrows.

a smaller, straighter nose.

paler skin without scarring all over it.

bigger, brighter eyes that could be spread apart more.

and i would like to see straighter hair. calmer hair. not this natural mess on top of my head.

* * *

i had been spending a fair amount of time on the right path. as far as not believing lies and stuff goes. i had been believing the truth. i had been walking confidently. for a little while, i was trusting what God says about me.


you know.

you notice how no one ever says anything about you. no one ever compliments you anymore. and you wonder why. and you panic.

you remember when someone told you you were ugly. fat. worthless, even.

and you look in the mirror, and you cry. you feel miserable.

you'd like to scream at God for making you the way you are. for making you who you are.

lately, i look at the professional dancers i wanna be like. and all i see is skinny, skinny, skinny. and it looks really good on them.

so i don't eat.

i lose weight.

and i'm still not happy with who i am.

i get it. i'm never gonna look different no matter how hard i try.

but that's hard to come to terms with.

it's so hard to accept that.

because i don't want to. so i get angry.

i wonder if anyone could ever love me for me.

not mind all the little mistakes all across my face.

and i wonder if they are mistakes.

if i really am perfect.

or if i'm not.

ballet can be a cruel, cruel world.

there's always something about you that could be better. could change. there's always something ugly about what you're doing.

after a little while, and it doesn't take long, that starts to wear you down to nothing. you learn what it means to hate yourself pretty fast. at least, that's how it's been for me.

but it's not just ballet.

it's the whole world.

it's my peers.

it's the way they look at you sometimes.

it's the things they say to you sometimes.

and you question why God put you here in the first place.

i've been questioning why God put me here in the first place.

why i only get a few quick breaks of happiness in between all the suffering.


so i'm trying to find the words that will heal my heart.

i know what He says about me. it's never been about that.

but i also know what the world says about me, you see.

what ballet says about me.

it's just about choosing which one i am going to believe.

i'd be lying if i said i didn't doubt who God made me to be.

i doubt myself every single day.

i doubt my worth. i doubt my purpose. i wonder if i really have any value at all sometimes. or, if i left, if anyone would notice. or care.

right now, i don't know much of anything when it comes to knowing who i am.


so i'm gonna work on that.

i know a lot of times i end posts by being all happy and positive and stuff, but right now, i don't know.

i'm just working on clinging to God on this one. because i don't know where i'm going, and i know He does.

because this is hard.

i've never struggled with my weight before.

but now i am.

i look in the mirror, and i don't like what i see a lot of the time.

and that doesn't even count how i feel when i look at my face.

so i'm figuring that out.

i'm trying to find some truth.

and that's really all i'm looking for right now.

but that's what genuine is all about, right? i think so.

i'm always looking for truth. in relationships. in being myself. in everything.

so this is just another thing to find truth in.

nothing's changed.

it's just another hurdle.

but i've gone through a lot of these. and because of Jesus, i've conquered them, too.

we've conquered them.

Him. and i. us.

so i'll cling to Him.

just like all the times before.

like every single time before.

He's never failed me, and He never will.

Monday, July 29, 2013

// some words for your day

been listening to:  all of me | matt hammitt 
fix you | coldplay 

xx. hannah.
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