Friday, June 7, 2013

goodbye, blue eyes. goodbye, sunshine.

listening to:  goodbye by avril lavigne

i recently decided to start really saying goodbye to relationships that didn't quite work out. that weren't meant to be. and if they were meant to, well then they weren't meant to be for as long as i had hoped. so i was shocked when they didn't. didn't end happily.

i lost my best friend.

i've also lost a boy or two.

and i've been losing people lately who don't accept me anymore.

all really amazing people who i thought would stick around, but didn't. and when they didn't, my heart got broken over seeing them walk away without even saying goodbye.

so now, after years and years of lingering around in the pain and trying- but not really succeeding- to heal, i'm learning what it means to pack my own bags. and start taking real steps forward.

real steps away from missing them.

real steps away from wanting them back.

real steps away from crying.

real steps away from hurting at the mention of their names.

especially hers.

especially my oldest friend's name.

* * *

sometimes people get frustrated with me. say i've held on for too long. ask me why i miss my old friend like i do.

well i miss knowing someone like i knew her.

i miss knowing everything about someone like i knew everything about her.

and it bothers me, even now, that i wouldn't know the girl she is today. that i've missed out on three years of her life. that makes me saddest, i guess.

it makes me sad when it really sinks in that we won't be in each others lives ever again. because for years, we had planned on our children being the best of friends. and now i think it's finally sinking in that that just isn't going to happen. it just can't. and it won't ever.

i miss feeling freedom like that around someone. complete freedom and acceptance. when i was a bit of a tomboy, she loved that about me. we were the girls who ran around without makeup and went fishing every friday in the summer. i miss that. i miss those times. and i remember them all. i've relived them since she left so many times so that i would never forget. because forgetting used to scare me so bad. it still does sometimes. i wanted to know them- the memories- so well that i could paint a perfect picture on a canvas. so that there would never be a chance of forgetting.

but one thing i miss most is what life felt like back when we were friends.

i miss the world where there was no pain. when i was younger and didn't have any of these insecurities or worries or real problems. when i didn't know what real pain felt like.

i miss playing barbies with her.

i miss hearing her laugh and seeing her crooked smile with those blue and green braces.

i miss her, i guess.

she was a tomboy and an adventurer and creative and wonderful.

and all of that is what i'm trying hard, deep down, to let go of. wrestling with myself in knowing what is best for me, but also what hurts to let go of.

i never would have guessed back then that all this could have happened.

that i would have to lose her.

that my heart would snap in two so easily.

after that, it made me want to lock everything away and never be vulnerable again. keep it simple. keep it safe.

* * *

i remember flying home from haiti. and thinking about my oldest friend.

i remember wondering about the person i'd be if she was still here. if we were still pals.

i can't be sure of much, but i do know i'd still be clingy.

and honestly, she probably wouldn't approve of the girl i am today.

but since, bravery has done amazing things to me.

bravery sent me to haiti.

bravery made me aspire to being a professional ballerina and a musician and a singer.

bravery made me try new things.

bravery made me not be so legalistic.

bravery got me to step out of each one of my wide boxes. one step at a time.

and it still is.

i don't think i'd be nearly as brave if we were still friends.

so on a plane back from haiti, i remember thinking about her.

it's true, i do miss her.

and i don't want to feel ashamed or sorry for missing her. i lost my best friend. it's normal to miss that. anyone would.

but it's been three years, and i think it's time.

i think i'm ready.

i've got a good, safe place to go to now when the road gets hard and i try to move on. i've got better people in my life and i've got a pretty good idea of who i am now.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i've got many homes now.

i've got a home in God, first and foremost.

i've got a home in so many new friends.

i've got a home in my family.

and i've got this home in knowing that my worth and my beauty never came from a best friend in the first place. i was wonderful with her, and i am wonderful even now. without her. wiser. and stronger. alright to walk the world alone, if i have to. i've got God now.

that's what has changed the most in three years. that is the one thing i am most proud of.

choosing to move,

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