four |

been listening to this.

(and this too.)

>> going on a little creating frenzy (above).

>> buying new pointe shoes. and then having dreams about their complete and utter loveliness.

>> planning two concerts in one month with some of my dearest, most hard-rocking friends.

>> this perfectly perfect video. be warned: (if you're a crazy-hormonal girl, like me) you'll probably weep uncontrollably.

when all you see in your reflection are mistakes and tears | God, say the words that heal my heart.

i hate mirrors.

i really, really do.

because every time i look into one- and i don't have to look hard- i see a hundred things that could be different. should be different.

lighter-colored eyebrows.

a smaller, straighter nose.

paler skin without scarring all over it.

bigger, brighter eyes that could be spread apart more.

and i would like to see straighter hair. calmer hair. not this natural mess on top of my head.

* * *

i had been spending a fair amount of time on the right path. as far as not believing lies and stuff goes. i had been believing the truth. i had been walking confidently. for a little while, i was trusting what God says about me.

but.

you know.

you notice how no one ever says anything about you. no one ever compliments you anymore. and you wonder why. and you panic.

you remember when someone told you you were ugly. fat. worthless, even.

and you look in the mirror, and you cry. you feel miserable.

you'd like to scream at God for making you the way you are. for making you who you are.

lately, i look at the professional dancers i wanna be like. and all i see is skinny, skinny, skinny. and it looks really good on them.

so i don't eat.

i lose weight.

and i'm still not happy with who i am.

i get it. i'm never gonna look different no matter how hard i try.

but that's hard to come to terms with.

it's so hard to accept that.

because i don't want to. so i get angry.

i wonder if anyone could ever love me for me.

not mind all the little mistakes all across my face.

and i wonder if they are mistakes.

if i really am perfect.

or if i'm not.

ballet can be a cruel, cruel world.

there's always something about you that could be better. could change. there's always something ugly about what you're doing.

after a little while, and it doesn't take long, that starts to wear you down to nothing. you learn what it means to hate yourself pretty fast. at least, that's how it's been for me.

but it's not just ballet.

it's the whole world.

it's my peers.

it's the way they look at you sometimes.

it's the things they say to you sometimes.

and you question why God put you here in the first place.

i've been questioning why God put me here in the first place.

why i only get a few quick breaks of happiness in between all the suffering.

so.

so i'm trying to find the words that will heal my heart.

i know what He says about me. it's never been about that.

but i also know what the world says about me, you see.

what ballet says about me.

it's just about choosing which one i am going to believe.

i'd be lying if i said i didn't doubt who God made me to be.

i doubt myself every single day.

i doubt my worth. i doubt my purpose. i wonder if i really have any value at all sometimes. or, if i left, if anyone would notice. or care.

right now, i don't know much of anything when it comes to knowing who i am.

so.

so i'm gonna work on that.

i know a lot of times i end posts by being all happy and positive and stuff, but right now, i don't know.

i'm just working on clinging to God on this one. because i don't know where i'm going, and i know He does.

because this is hard.

i've never struggled with my weight before.

but now i am.

i look in the mirror, and i don't like what i see a lot of the time.

and that doesn't even count how i feel when i look at my face.

so i'm figuring that out.

i'm trying to find some truth.

and that's really all i'm looking for right now.

but that's what genuine is all about, right? i think so.

i'm always looking for truth. in relationships. in being myself. in everything.

so this is just another thing to find truth in.

nothing's changed.

it's just another hurdle.

but i've gone through a lot of these. and because of Jesus, i've conquered them, too.

we've conquered them.

Him. and i. us.

so i'll cling to Him.

just like all the times before.

like every single time before.

He's never failed me, and He never will.

// some words for your day

been listening to:  all of me | matt hammitt 

fix you | coldplay 

xx. hannah.

three kinds of happy | reflecting on a good year.

been listening to::  what if we were real  | by Mandisa

- painting for a dear friend. i used to be big into making art with my momma, an amazing artist, but... you know. you get busy and caught up in everything else going on in your life that you don't make time to do these kind of things anymore. but i had a lot of fun making this for my friend so i might be doing it more often. (:

- packing for germany. i'm one of those weird sickos that finds it fun- yes, actually fun- to organize suitcases. it's my groove thang. don't judge.

- reflecting on this whole last year. last year before school started, i made up my mind to aspire to being a professional ballerina someday. i knew it would be hard. i knew it was going to involve me growing up a lot faster. making sacrifices. working physically harder than i had ever worked before. and it has. but when i first decided what i wanted, i didn't want to tell my dance teachers. i'd be a jerk and a big fat liar if i said i was at the top of my class back then. no. heck. no. just no. i was pretty bad. so i didn't want to tell my teachers what i wanted because i thought they'd say i couldn't do it. because i simply wasn't good enough. i wanted to wait to tell them when i was better. but, in the end, my mom and i told one of my teachers together. i've had her since i was four or five. and she surprised me.

she told me to go for it.

so i have spent the whole year "going for it".

and it was a good year. a hard year, but a good year.

i became a different person.

at the start of the school year, i wanted to look like a goth. so i did. i became that person.

i lost some dear friends over it. and it broke my heart. they judged me for my outer appearance. they didn't look at what was in my heart anymore.

i slipped back into depression.

i was angry, and i was hurt.

then some things happened to make me feel a fresh burden of shame and guilt. things i later learned i didn't need to feel. i had been believing lies for months. and it was all so crippling, i almost decided to end my life.

and that's another thing, i made a really amazing friend. someone i knew, but not really. i had known of him for three, almost four years. but things changed when i was at the end of my rope and needed someone to talk to. which was big for me. i hadn't trusted anyone in a long time. out of fear that they might leave. or that they might get to know me, and then run off in the other direction. which terrified me either way. so i just didn't want to try to make friends anymore. i was settling for being alone.

but i was so weighed down by everything collapsing around me that i decided to be brave. and thus far, this person had seemed pretty trustworthy.

so we met for coffee.

and. you know. he's pretty popular here on the blog.

he's the one i made the painting for.

and he's the best.

and i feel so blessed to call him my friend.

seriously, guys.

he doesn't judge. he listens.

so after i met him, i mean really met him, got to know him, things started to change.

i prayed for the first time in a long time.

and God showed me what i needed to do next.

the next thing to do was change. the outside of me.

that was when i stopped with my gothic fling. that was when i set it to the side, and said goodbye to it. it was time to move somewhere else. figure out who i was all over again.

i figured out who was real in my life. i mean who was going to stay. and be real with me.

i learned what it means to give someone grace. real and true grace. what it means to forgive. and i am by no means done forgiving. but it's getting better. it's getting better every day.

the most recent thing was a sudden panic.

when i realized i had someone coming back in again, that i was letting someone back in again, i panicked.

i didn't want to relive what happened before.

so i wondered.

i questioned the meaning of community.

that's how much losing someone stills terrifies me.

because i remember the pain.

and how long it took before- how long it is still taking- to move on.

but here's the thing.

moving on from this thing is becoming easier.

i don't really know how God's doing it, i just know that my heart is becoming more and more okay with accepting that my oldest friend isn't going to be my friend anymore. she hasn't been for a long time, but i couldn't admit that for a long time, either.

now i can.

* * *

so.

so it's been a year since all this newer craziness started up.

it's been a roller coaster.

a crazy mess, but a beautiful mess nonetheless.

there was hurt, yes, but there has also been new healing. slow healing, but it's still healing.

and healing is making me stronger.

when nightmares and panic strike, get on your knees.

listening to: britt nicole | straight for your heart

it felt like i was forgetting, or maybe just starting to.

move on, inch forward a bit. not a lot, but a little bit,

but. you know.

you have nightmares about it. you keep on thinking and thinking about it until the fear and the worry of what could happen takes you over.

i've lost sleep over it.

i haven't been able to dance like i normally do, because it's been on my heart.

i feel sick to think about the whole thing.

-------------------------

three weeks away is going to be good.

three weeks away to clear my head again.

three weeks to put everything and everyone i know in perspective again.

and when i come back, i think i'll be ready. i'll be a little stronger, maybe.

* * *

a couple of nights ago, i thought i was on my way to healing.

and i still am.

but you see, i kept on thinking about the past.

i kept thinking about things that hadn't haunted me in a while.

new feelings i hadn't felt before about these things began to emerge. anger. fear. but mostly extreme fear. crippling fear.

these last few days, i've cried more than i've smiled.

because so much is changing.

for the first time in seven years, my dad has a job.

and for the first time in ten years, my family and i are taking a vacation.

i have a new friend who is near and dear to my heart.

but at the same time, i've got a big past clinging to my shoulders. and it doesn't seem to want to let go.

* * *

i know, right now, that i'm never too far to find my way back home. and neither are the people who have hurt me.

it's just the letting go. it's the pushing the depression away.

and as i start to let more and more people in, i think more and more of the friend i lost a long time ago.

that makes me cringe. that makes my heart sink and stick to the muck at the bottom.

i keep coming across her picture more and more. and all it does is hurt.

so i think i know now what i'm working towards is being able to look at that photo of her, and not feel the pain. not cry anymore.

i can't imagine that. still, three years later, i can't possibly fathom it.

these days, one incredible conversation with a real friend is always followed by a thought or two of my oldest friend. who left.

and then i get scared all over again. i panic. i wonder if i'll go through it all again. and then i wonder if i'd make it if i had to face it all again.

then i question if it's all really worth it.

if community is worth the risk.

the risk of my paper heart.

the last few days have proved that it is.

i remember laughing out loud when i texted a dear friend and asked him to pray for me. he was at a restaurant. he said he'd go pray in the bathroom, though, so it'd "be more real". love that kid.

but the last few days have proved that it'll be okay. it just hurts right now. but i'll get through it.

my Jesus got me through it once, He can get me through it again.

that is all i know. and so that's what i have to keep my eyes fixed on.

the moment you decided to let love in.

listening to:

Better Days &

Let Love In

by The Goo Goo Dolls.

a cage.

a cage is a place that keeps you trapped.

and because you can't leave it, you have nothing better to do than think about how you got there in the first place. and how you're never getting out. ever.

months and months ago, i thought i had been set free. i thought i was gonna be okay. all set free, and okay. i thought i was done healing.

and then some things happened. things happened, and Satan locked me in a second cage. a cage that told me i was worthless. told me i was guilty and should feel shame.

for three months, i had lived in that same cage. and i felt like the cage was shrinking, and i couldn't breathe. i was slowly suffocating and i didn't know what to do. i didn't think it would be safe to tell anyone, so i didn't. for a very long time.

but then i did.

finally, i trusted someone.

and they told me the truth.

they said i wasn't guilty. that it wasn't my fault. that i was gonna make it.

but i didn't understand at first.

it took him saying it over and over and over again for my to even start to listen to him.

it took a week for me to start to believe him.

and it's taken about three for me to start feeling freedom.

" love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 

(first corinthians 13:7)

i was used to people finding me in a cage, but letting me stay there. not doing much, or anything at all to help me.

and i was expecting it with him, my friend. i was preparing my heart.

but he didn't.

he didn't just walk away like the rest.

it didn't matter how many times i tried to give him reasons not to believe what he was telling me, which was that i wasn't guilty. he didn't give up. he kept trying. and in the end, it did click.

and the door of my cage was unlocked. on rusty hinges, it creaked open.

timidly, cautiously, i peeked out of that cage. but he took me by the hands and tried- and is still trying- to get me to come all the way out. so that no part of me is left inside anymore.

and slowly but surely, i'm stretching my wings.

and he's showing me how to use them.

i never understood, or really ever felt the true impact of first corinthians 13:7. until this friend came along side me, to help me.

then i got it.

and when i hear this verse, i think of him. he heard my story. he didn't judge it, he didn't walk away. he bore it. he carried the burden with me.

he believed i could heal. he believed i wasn't at fault.

he hoped with me. that there was healing and that i would find it.

he endured every part of it. he listened to all the pain and all the frustration and the anger that came with my story. as i told it, he stayed by my side.

and i don't think he'll ever quite fathom how much that means.

because it means the world.

it means i'm getting out of the cage, and seeing the world for the first time.

it means i can live again.

it means i'm letting love in again.

it means that trusting someone for the first time in a long time was one of the best decisions i've ever made, and will ever make.

it means i'm gonna be alright.

it means i can relax. be still. and be calm.

because i know that if i fall back again- when i do fall back again- there will be arms to catch me.

these days i know God is never letting me go. and that is enough.

but there is something really wonderful and amazing and special, too, about having a hand there to hold when you need it most. a shoulder to cry on. a heart to trust in.

that, too, is irreplaceable.

for all the years i asked myself, "could i move on?" now i can say, "yes, yes you can."

about this time four years ago, i wondered where life was going to take me next.

i wondered if i was losing my best friend.

a year or so later, i was pretty sure i had.

i spent all that time in between then and these last couple of days mourning that loss.

because in many ways, it was like a death.

no, my best friend didn't die. she simply went to middle school. she moved on. she made other friends. she became a different person.

but she was my only friend. and for the longest time, it felt like she had taken all of me with her. because forever after that, i couldn't find myself. i didn't know who i was anymore. and i thought becoming a hard-rocking goth would give me a new identity to believe in. but it didn't.

and because of her- after her- i refused to let anyone in.

for the longest time, i thought it was because i didn't want to have my heart broken again.

and i still believe that's the reason why, but i also think it was because i didn't want anyone replacing her.

and that is one thing i have learned this week. it's time to let people fill in her shoes. her role as best friend. but this time, i need many people filling in those shoes.

* * *

for the last little while, i began believing that only Jesus could own my heart. i thought maybe some day i would find myself a husband who could own it, too, but no one else besides them would ever touch my heart. no one was hurting me again. not like before. i just couldn't go through that again. i thought i just had to settle for never trusting anyone anymore. and i was beginning to believe that lie. it was becoming something i lived by every day. i was closing off my heart. building up high, high walls. pointless walls.

but as a new friend sat across the table from me last week over coffee, giving me a chance, i learned how wrong i was.

i have learned now that Jesus, He will always be first in my life. and He must be. but i can love again. i can have dear friends again. i can let someone love me again. and i can be okay again.

* * *

truth is, this journey of losing a friend and spending years feeling forgotten and alone were the roughest years i've been through thus far. they hurt me every single day. and not a day went by that i didn't think of her. didn't feel like my heart wasn't ripping at the seams.

but i'm ready to place that set of years on the shelf and stop looking back at them, wondering if they'll be okay up there. i'm ready to let something new come in and make me more free.

because during all those years i missed my friend, i hated myself, too.

and now that i am letting people in again, i'm learning to see the beauty in who God made me to be. i'm learning more about who He has made me to be. and what He's got planned for me. and how valuable and treasured i really am.

so i wouldn't have had all that i went through any other way.

and those are words i thought i could never say. in all the grief, they seemed impossible to even think of.

but He knew that thing, that big, terrible thing, would turn out to be beautiful and it would make me so much stronger. it would make me know who i am. it would force me to be alone, and to know who i am even when no one else is left to tell me i am wonderful.

because a smooth sea never made a very good sailor.

and i am glad the journey has been hard.

"then you will know the truth, 

and the truth will set you free." 

// john 8:32

my acne story // relinquishing control.

if only i had known back then that this, too, was beautiful.

acne is something i feel very strongly about.

if there is one thing i hate most, it is to see someone made fun of for something they can't help.

i don't believe it is something that should be joked about. i don't think it's funny.

because for a long time, my acne made me feel different from other people. i was never made fun of for it, but i did have people tell me i needed to get it taken care of.

the fact was, however, i was doing everything i could to get it under control.

* * * * *

my acne was something that really hindered my self confidence for a very, very long time. none of my friends had it yet, and so it made me feel like they were prettier than i was because i had these very obvious, red dots all over my face.

i believe that over time, acne will take care of itself. and my acne really didn't bother me until people started pointing it out. and after a while, be singled out like that made me feel like i was different because of it.

i tried to cover it up with all kinds of foundational makeup, but it really didn't do much good. truth is, my acne was incredibly bad. but, it didn't ever make me less beautiful. and i wish, if i could go back in time or do it all over again, i could tell myself not to let it diminish the way i looked at myself.

because that's what it was doing. i was always judging myself about those tiny red dots and so that's when all my security came crumbling down.

until there was absolutely nothing left.

* * *

so between a back brace and the acne, i felt horrible about myself.

the mirror was my worst enemy.

i hated getting ready in the morning, because i felt like no matter how much makeup i caked and plastered onto my face, it didn't make the slightest difference.

now. before i move on to how i got rid of my acne, i want to tell you something i wish i had done before i got help.

i wish i would have known how beautiful i was before i got my acne cleared up.

because once the acne was gone, i got my value from that. and to be honest, i still struggle with that one.

i wish that i would have done some inner work before i had done the outer work. because it only made me more insecure.

so in the end, yes, i got my acne under control. i now take two prescriptions to manage it.

but you know, no medicine in the world is gonna make me more beautiful.

* * *

i recently watched a video by some comedians on youtube that i like. well they recently put out a video making fun of people with acne and calling them "pizza faces".

it literally brought tears to my eyes i was so angry.

i hate to see people put done for their acne. i absolutely hate it.

because i remember that feeling of worthlessness when someone even mentioned it, let alone make fun of it!

so here is my message to those struggling with acne right now,

I LOVE YOU.

and i know how hard it is. i really, really do.

but this to shall pass. it really, really will.

not only will the acne pass, but so to will the insecurity of it. not just when the pimples finally fade away, but when you realize that your beauty doesn't come from your face. that it comes from inside. and when you know that, and can really and truly, wholeheartedly believe it for yourself, that's when it passes.

part of it is also saying to God, 

"i don't need to have control here anymore. i don't know how to handle it."

part of surrendering is giving up your worries and the lies you've been told.

because once you stop believing the lies, you can really only start believing the truth.

and the truth will set you free.

believe me, the truth is still setting me free. and acne is a killer to get over. it haunts us girls.

but it will get better. it really will.

* * *

my acne story is not something i ever tell that many people. because for the longest time, it was something i was ashamed of. but here, even to myself, i am learning to say to God,
"i don't need to have control."

so don't let the acne control you.

it sounds corny, i know. like it could be in a commercial or something. but it's the truth.

it's the truth i want to give you wings, love.

now watch this:

xx. and happy friday, beautifuls. love hannah.

p.s. i was interviewed yesterday by the lovely miss Maya over @ Efflorescence!

you can go check it out right here.

a post about growing red hair.

brave is not a word i would use to describe myself.

my hope is that every day, i will become more so, but i think it will be a while before i am completely, one hundred percent surrendered to my fear of screwing up.

it is a fear that has crippled me. it is a fear that molded my life into something very fragile.

for me, i define bravery as living life full out, letting nothing hold me back from saying what i think, or being proud of who i am, or caring less of what others think of me.

i always wanted to be braver, but i never really knew where to begin. and i knew that being brave would take me stepping out of my nice, warm shell. i didn't want to leave that shell. but truth is, that time i spent in the shell, those three years, i was a very lonely, sad, and bitter person.

that was no life back then.

* * * * *

taking braver steps forward does get easier. it becomes more natural after a little while to try new things. and eventually, you learn to care less about what people would say.

bravery makes people do things they wouldn't do inside of a shell.

it's made me love deeper and harder. it's made me find security in myself. it's made me believe in a God i can't see, but i know is always gonna be there for me. it's made me chase after dreams i know are impractical, but yet i still choose to believe in anyways.

and that is point of being brave, i think.

giving your all to everything that is impractical or said to be impossible. not knowing what will happen, or if everything will work out the "safe way".

but that is bravery, love.

and bravery saves lives.

and it makes the broken-hearted blossom.

choosing joy,
hannah.

i made myself a bed at the bottom of the blackest hole.

i was recently putting together an interview for a dear friend's blog.

when i was asked to tell a bit about myself, i thought of how i am a dancer. and how i love music.

and then i thought of all the sad days.

those times that i spent at the bottom of the blackest hole.

because those days, they are a part of me. they are my testimony. so i felt the need to type them out there.

it was the first time i've ever been interviewed on another blog, and having my own words on another page was somewhat, i'll admit, intimidating. especially since i was basically screaming, "Hey there! My whole life has not been a fairytale. I have been really, really sad before. And it is something I still struggle with. I'm not perfect, I've got this big flaw called anxiety."

somehow, after a while, admitting my struggles with sadness and insecurity doesn't become hard anymore. it gets to the point where you feel much more comfortable sharing it all.

which is good, it's great! don't get me wrong.

but having my words written all over a strange place scared me a bit.

it was like the first time i told the world through my own blog that i hated what i saw in the mirror all those months back.

* * * * *

what i have come to realize through blogging is that my struggles are no accident. they happened to me so that someday i could recover and heal and then tell the others looking for hope that there is a way out. help them up in whatever way i could. they would have someone who understood all the feelings.

i was always angry with God for sticking me in the places that i had ended up. but after a while, after some healing, your eyes get opened up for the first real time.

* * * * * 

so, if my entire three years spent wandering can even bring one person back home to our Father, than i say it's worth it. even if it hurts to go back there, back to the darker parts of the woods. even if it's scary to look the monster called sin in the eyes.

if all of it can just end up saving one soul, 

then it is completely worth it to me.

choosing joy. today.

hannah.

be kind to teenagers. they cry more than you think.

a little fact you should know when it comes to teenagers:

we feel.

a lot.

and deeply, too.

we read too much into what people are thinking.

we stress more than we let on.

we cry when no one is looking.

we keep a lot of secrets.

we have massive insecurities.

we don't understand what it is we are feeling half the time.

we are just trying to figure out who we are.

and what we are meant to be and do in life.

we sometimes wonder if there is even a place in this world for us.

we lose friends.

we make enemies.

we constantly feel the need to feel accepted.

we wonder if we are too different.

if our own uniqueness isn't all that wonderful.

as a teenager, i've got all these things swimming around in my mind.

all the time.

and i think that no one ever thinks to stop and ask a teenager how they're feeling once they've grown up and forgotten what it is to be a teenager.

but you know, teenagers are weak.

and we need to be reminded that we have not been abandoned, 

and that we are never alone.

so next time you encounter a teenager you know and love, give them a hug.

 and ask them- really truly ask them this time- how they are doing today.

maybe you'll get a whole life story, maybe you'll just get the common answer,

"i'm fine."

but what matters is that you always let them know that you are there.

and that the suffering, it won't always be there.

there will always be pain in life, of course, but that temporary pain called highschool will end.

you've just gotta stand tall and keep an eye out for the light at the end of the tunnel.

because, love, you will find it.

you will always find it.


blessings over your week,
hannah.

long live the reckless and the brave.

reck·less 1. utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action; without caution; careless (usually followed by of ): to be reckless of danger. 

brave 1. possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance.

lately i've been contemplating this one thing a lot. i guess because i am growing up and rapidly changing as a person, it just so happens that the subject of doing my dreams comes to mind quite frequently.

i have also been thinking that people today seem to all be going by the same road. and it usually goes something like this:

(1) school

(2) college

(3) get a job

and usually, the job tends to be something they just do to earn a living. to get that paycheck. not anything that they really are all that passionate about.

it's just something they do to pay the bills.

i think i've always just planned on going in that order because that's how everyone else was doing it. but lately, i've been thinking that it really is okay not to. if i wanted. if i don't want to go to college, that's going to be okay. i don't need to feel the shame that the world throws at those who make the choice not to. i believe that God doesn't write college into the story of every person He creates. but that's what makes us all so unique.

at this point in my life, i don't know what the plan is after highschool. but i don't want to always feel locked into the idea that i must go to college, or else i will have no life.

i believe it all kind of ties into the idea of originality. you know, being you and not just choosing the road that people would prefer you to choose. besides, you get way more joy and satisfaction out of building a road yourself. then, someday, you can say that it was you and it was Jesus that built that road. and no one else intervened in the making of it.

you can then honestly say that you had the heart to do the right thing for yourself.

so i think that a lot of us are raised believing that that is the road we must take. The Three Steps. i'm not discouraging a college education, but i also don't think it's for everybody.

maybe for you, it's the opposite story. you may want to go to college, but you've got the dream-bashers who'd say it would be better to not try for that extra education. to not pursue a career quite that high up in the sky. but in your heart, you know what star you want to reach for.

either way your story goes, bravery is vital.

* * * * *

lately, i've been listening to The Reckless And The Brave by the band All Time Low a lot. and so the idea of being reckless and brave has been swimming around in my mind a lot, too. when i think of the phrase, i think of caring less what people think and simply following the path i know is right for me.

because it's about discovering your own thing. and then sticking to it. never letting anyone lead you away from it. because i guarantee you, someone in your life will try. and they will try hard. but you must always remember to stay strong and believe in who you are meant to be. and remember this, too: if God is for us, who can be against us?

so whether it's making the decision to go to college, or following the career you know you were created to pursue, you will always have the doubters. and this applies to all aspects of life, but right now, i feel that choosing a path to my future is where i find myself the most.

in the end, i believe that sometimes you've gotta be a little reckless.
and you've definitely always got to remember to be brave.

long live, sweetheart. long live all of those of us who are reckless and brave enough to be dreamers. who aren't afraid to live full out. because in the end, that's all it really is. living fully by faith in Jesus that He's got this completely amazing plan for each and every one of us.

choosing joy,
hannah

>> four.

- black nails

- anberlin's acoustic version of impossible:

- friends who share the same dreams as i do.

- this ever-growing excitement to buy my very first bass guitar!

joy!

hannah.

and this goodbye will come slowly.

i've learned there will probably be no official "goodbye". but over the last few weeks, i have been thinking of the friend that i lost less and less. now i hardly ever think of her anymore.

but this is how it's been for the last couple of months. i will go for long periods of time without her coming to mind and then somehow, she will just appear there. and the hurt creeps back. and so do the tears.

right now. today. she came back again. making me feel back at square one again. the anger and the hurt over things that were left undone. the sadness over knowing things will never go back. that she will never come back.

people lose people all the time. everyday. so how is my situation different? i grew up without many friends. my very first real friend moved away when i was seven. not long after, i met the friend i would stay friends with for seven more years. that was half of my life. so it's nearly impossible to forget someone who was a part of that much of your growing up.

sometimes i just have to say, out loud, "i forgive you". because there is much to forgive and move on from. but i struggle. and as my wings start to grow, i still struggle.

i have grown much. and it may even take a few more years before the scars are finally all healed up.

so this goodbye will come- is coming- slowly. and it is good for this heart, to learn to cling to Jesus and trust that He is gonna help me to move on from those seven years. and even when i doubt that goodbye will ever be an easy thing for me, i don't doubt that He will ever let these hands go.

choosing joy,
hannah

impact.

yesterday at my church, my dear friend Grace came running up to me with a surprise. she reads this blog, my blog. she knows what i am here for. she knows it's purpose. she knows it's many, many stories and what it's been through.

she made me this piece of artwork.

when she first handed it to me and i read the words, i just about could have cried. this blog means so much to me. it's become a massive part of my life. and getting her gift made me feel like what i do here is impacting people everyday and that makes what i do feel like something special. it's putting what i do into something i can touch and be proud of.

thank you, miss Grace. i love you with all my heart.

thank you, all.

hugs.
hannah.

the warfare inside.

inner warfare. 

it's when all your thoughts are locked inside and you're the only one that knows. and you battle with yourself. the good and the evil fight against each other to win you over in the end.

you can't explain what's going on inside. you get the feeling you're going crazy.

but it's just your heart being molded and shaped and stretched to change you into a better person. it's just you in the making. it's just Jesus fashioning you a pair of wings. but you can't quite see them yet.

you try to explain it all to some people, but they just can't wrap their tiny little minds around it. so you're on your own side.

you feel like there's something so wrong with you.

but when the darkness turns to light, it all ends. and then you are set free. it's like fireworks. like fireworks exploding out of your chest.

and a weight is lifted.

and you can see clearly now.

- love hannah.
 

the day wasn't then. it was always NOW.

About this time last week, I went through the whole day knowing I wouldn't be seeing my favorite band in concert that night... because I was just too young. It was an extremely frustrating and tearful day. And when I looked at my clock and read eight o clock (showtime), I couldn't have been sadder.

The next day my dear friend Molly commented on a post I wrote about my disappointment and told me that Jesus must just have another plan in mind for me and the Rejects. I believed her and have been trying all week to trust Him and His plan, which is always perfect. I decided that someday, I would have my moment, it just wasn't today.

Well, it came sooner than I thought.

Yesterday, I posted a question for Nick Wheeler himself on twitter and today, my question was posted and is waiting for him to answer it.

All I can say is WOW. That moment when I saw my name for the first time displayed on the screen, with my question? It was the most amazing thing ever. I can't even put into words the joy I feel right now. My heart is bursting at the seams. :)

The truth is, that Jesus always does what's best for us. He had His reason for me not getting to go to the concert. I thought maybe he didn't want me to ever meet them or have something like this happen. But I was wrong. Turns out, today was the day he had planned for me.

So I have some people to thank. First and foremost, Jesus, for blessing me the way He knew I really always wanted. For making a mega-sized dream of mine come true. :) Second, I would like to thank Molly for giving me some hope when I didn't have much. You rock my world, girl. Love you to death! <3 And third, to Nick Wheeler. Nick, thanks for being so awesome. You have inspired me in more ways than you could ever imagine.

That is all.

much love,
hannah

beautiful people do beautiful things

let me tell you a story. it's a story about this girl i saw at a walmart yesterday afternoon. as she was putting our groceries into plastic bags, i caught a glimpse of a tattoo wrapped around her wrist. it said, "R.I.P Mark". and i knew that this girl had a story of some sort. someone she loved wasn't there anymore.

then there's this guy. and you all know him as nick wheeler of the all-american rejects here on this little blog. a couple of years ago, he got a tattoo of his dog he had growing up. she was fourteen years old when she passed away shortly after.

i know how a lot of people view people in general with tattoos. or piercings. i used to think the same way. until a few months ago. i used to see someone with a bunch of colored inks printed on them and i would think, "she's a creep. she's messed up". and now i can see how wrong that kind of thinking was. how wrong i was. that was when i was this black and white thinker. but now i'm not thinking like that anymore.

i believe in the freedom to be yourself. people seem to be excepting it better now, all except for people with tattoos and piercings. well let me tell you, the guys of AAR are some of the sweetest people i have ever seen. and they have lots and lots of tattoos. and piercings. but it doesn't faze me one bit. it's who they are. it's how they express themselves.

and i know what a good portion of you are thinking right now, "when she's eighteen, she's gonna go out and get a ton of tattoos!". no. i won't. because that's not who i am. it's not me. but it's who they are. it's how they feel like they can be them. and if that were me, i would do it, too. i wouldn't hold back.

people are beautiful. and so i believe that whatever they do to express themselves is beautiful, too. and if that means getting tats or gauges, then i support it. all the way.

happy weekend, lovlies!
hannah

hello autumn

hello school // hello cool breeze // hello new dance classes //

hello skinny jeans and converse // hello pumpkin spice 

// hello hot cocoa  // hello orange and red and yellow leaves

// hello halloween.

hello, autumn. you are my very favorite season.

much love

hannah

i love the way light

shines through blown glass...

happy sunday, lovlies!

with hugs and kisses,

hannah