the moment you decided to let love in.

listening to:

Better Days &

Let Love In

by The Goo Goo Dolls.

a cage.

a cage is a place that keeps you trapped.

and because you can't leave it, you have nothing better to do than think about how you got there in the first place. and how you're never getting out. ever.

months and months ago, i thought i had been set free. i thought i was gonna be okay. all set free, and okay. i thought i was done healing.

and then some things happened. things happened, and Satan locked me in a second cage. a cage that told me i was worthless. told me i was guilty and should feel shame.

for three months, i had lived in that same cage. and i felt like the cage was shrinking, and i couldn't breathe. i was slowly suffocating and i didn't know what to do. i didn't think it would be safe to tell anyone, so i didn't. for a very long time.

but then i did.

finally, i trusted someone.

and they told me the truth.

they said i wasn't guilty. that it wasn't my fault. that i was gonna make it.

but i didn't understand at first.

it took him saying it over and over and over again for my to even start to listen to him.

it took a week for me to start to believe him.

and it's taken about three for me to start feeling freedom.

" love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 

(first corinthians 13:7)

i was used to people finding me in a cage, but letting me stay there. not doing much, or anything at all to help me.

and i was expecting it with him, my friend. i was preparing my heart.

but he didn't.

he didn't just walk away like the rest.

it didn't matter how many times i tried to give him reasons not to believe what he was telling me, which was that i wasn't guilty. he didn't give up. he kept trying. and in the end, it did click.

and the door of my cage was unlocked. on rusty hinges, it creaked open.

timidly, cautiously, i peeked out of that cage. but he took me by the hands and tried- and is still trying- to get me to come all the way out. so that no part of me is left inside anymore.

and slowly but surely, i'm stretching my wings.

and he's showing me how to use them.

i never understood, or really ever felt the true impact of first corinthians 13:7. until this friend came along side me, to help me.

then i got it.

and when i hear this verse, i think of him. he heard my story. he didn't judge it, he didn't walk away. he bore it. he carried the burden with me.

he believed i could heal. he believed i wasn't at fault.

he hoped with me. that there was healing and that i would find it.

he endured every part of it. he listened to all the pain and all the frustration and the anger that came with my story. as i told it, he stayed by my side.

and i don't think he'll ever quite fathom how much that means.

because it means the world.

it means i'm getting out of the cage, and seeing the world for the first time.

it means i can live again.

it means i'm letting love in again.

it means that trusting someone for the first time in a long time was one of the best decisions i've ever made, and will ever make.

it means i'm gonna be alright.

it means i can relax. be still. and be calm.

because i know that if i fall back again- when i do fall back again- there will be arms to catch me.

these days i know God is never letting me go. and that is enough.

but there is something really wonderful and amazing and special, too, about having a hand there to hold when you need it most. a shoulder to cry on. a heart to trust in.

that, too, is irreplaceable.

for all the years i asked myself, "could i move on?" now i can say, "yes, yes you can."

about this time four years ago, i wondered where life was going to take me next.

i wondered if i was losing my best friend.

a year or so later, i was pretty sure i had.

i spent all that time in between then and these last couple of days mourning that loss.

because in many ways, it was like a death.

no, my best friend didn't die. she simply went to middle school. she moved on. she made other friends. she became a different person.

but she was my only friend. and for the longest time, it felt like she had taken all of me with her. because forever after that, i couldn't find myself. i didn't know who i was anymore. and i thought becoming a hard-rocking goth would give me a new identity to believe in. but it didn't.

and because of her- after her- i refused to let anyone in.

for the longest time, i thought it was because i didn't want to have my heart broken again.

and i still believe that's the reason why, but i also think it was because i didn't want anyone replacing her.

and that is one thing i have learned this week. it's time to let people fill in her shoes. her role as best friend. but this time, i need many people filling in those shoes.

* * *

for the last little while, i began believing that only Jesus could own my heart. i thought maybe some day i would find myself a husband who could own it, too, but no one else besides them would ever touch my heart. no one was hurting me again. not like before. i just couldn't go through that again. i thought i just had to settle for never trusting anyone anymore. and i was beginning to believe that lie. it was becoming something i lived by every day. i was closing off my heart. building up high, high walls. pointless walls.

but as a new friend sat across the table from me last week over coffee, giving me a chance, i learned how wrong i was.

i have learned now that Jesus, He will always be first in my life. and He must be. but i can love again. i can have dear friends again. i can let someone love me again. and i can be okay again.

* * *

truth is, this journey of losing a friend and spending years feeling forgotten and alone were the roughest years i've been through thus far. they hurt me every single day. and not a day went by that i didn't think of her. didn't feel like my heart wasn't ripping at the seams.

but i'm ready to place that set of years on the shelf and stop looking back at them, wondering if they'll be okay up there. i'm ready to let something new come in and make me more free.

because during all those years i missed my friend, i hated myself, too.

and now that i am letting people in again, i'm learning to see the beauty in who God made me to be. i'm learning more about who He has made me to be. and what He's got planned for me. and how valuable and treasured i really am.

so i wouldn't have had all that i went through any other way.

and those are words i thought i could never say. in all the grief, they seemed impossible to even think of.

but He knew that thing, that big, terrible thing, would turn out to be beautiful and it would make me so much stronger. it would make me know who i am. it would force me to be alone, and to know who i am even when no one else is left to tell me i am wonderful.

because a smooth sea never made a very good sailor.

and i am glad the journey has been hard.

"then you will know the truth, 

and the truth will set you free." 

// john 8:32

james five sixteen.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. 

The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." 

on sunday, june 23rd of 2013, i took a brave step.

me and a friend set up a day to go and get coffee, and talk. just talk.

but i knew what we were gonna talk about, you see. this friend and i, we were gonna talk about me. and my life.

my life.

those two words say so much.

and i was scared, because i don't often known what people will think of my life. what they will think of me.

* * *

my life involves losing my one and only best friend. my life involves resentment and anger. my life involves self-loathing. my life involves insecurities. my life involves a whole lot of sin. a whole lot of shame and guilt. a whole lot of pain. a whole lot of trust issues. a whole lot of shoving people away. a whole lot of loneliness. a whole lot of depression.

but my life never involved the part where i told someone everything.

every part.

every bit. even the ugliest ones.

the parts never told before.

* * *

about five or so minutes early, i walked into a starbucks.

i sat down at a table close to the doors and sat down. hands shaking uncontrollably. i wrung them. i squeezed them till they were white. terrified of what was to come.

because what was to come was vulnerability. because a couple of days before, God told me to say everything. hold nothing back. be brave. take a jump. a leap of faith. and trust someone with all that i have. trust someone since my last best friend.

he said that to trust someone else was to trust Him.

i told Him i would, but that seemed moderately easy until the last twenty four hours or so before the day we would meet finally came. until i realized what was actually going to happen. what i would actually say. what was actually going to be said across the table.

* * *

when this friend finally walked in we said hi. we got drinks and we sat down. the whole time, i was terrified. absolutely terrified.

terrified of what he would think of me once it was all said and done.

the first thing he asked was where i was. how i was doing. what was going on.

i sat there, struggling to find the words. figure out where to start. because i knew it was time to tell the long, long story. the broken story that i was trying so desperately to find the beauty in.

but he started first. he saw the fear behind my eyes. he told me everything.

and it felt like a safe place. so that little by little, the tenseness went away. the nerves relaxed. and by the time his story was over, i could tell mine. and feel peace.

on june 27th, 2013, i said, "yes, Lord, i will be vulnerable with this heart. i will finally let someone in."

so i started at the beginning. i told him a lot. but would get to certain parts in the story and pause, wondering if i should tell him that part.

in the end, i pushed away the lies. the lies that said i was ugly. that i was unforgiven, and told him even the hardest, saddest, ugliest parts. i would tell him, and look at the ground. but by the end of the story, i could look him in the eyes. and there was no judgement there. there was no finger-pointing. only acceptance. only understanding.

and when it was all out there, i realized there was no going back. now someone knew it all. and i was scared of what that was going to mean from here on out. but he didn't act scared off. he didn't walk out of that coffee shop. he stayed.

i opened my soul. i let someone in.

and they stayed.

so all i have are words of gratitude today. because i'm sorry, but i just don't have anything else. all i've got is this:

thank You, Jesus, for putting someone here with me who wants to stick around.

thank You.

thank You.

thank You for a friend.

thank You for letting me walk out of that starbucks a free person.

because i no longer have to keep this burden to myself.

thank You.

thank You.

thank You.

You have blessed me beyond measure.

and You are always faithful.

and I love you, Lord.

thanks for being so good to me.

because there is nothing ugly about anything that comes in the form of self-expression.

time and time again i have tried to find the right words.

tried to find the perfect words to describe how much i hate judgement.

sometimes i get a hold of them- the right words, the perfect words- but i never have a real grip. a firm grip. they're never words i feel like fully express how much i really feel about judgement. because i feel so much. so very, very much when it comes to this thing.

* * *

being judged has driven me crazy. insane. when i have felt like i know who i am. and how i am going to express that.

well people aren't always going to understand you, darling. they just won't, love. but they are never worth changing yourself over.

i made these decisions for myself because i felt God tell me i needed to make them. my decisions to look more like a punk rocker than- well, the girl i used to be. the sad girl. the worn out girl. the girl who just wanted to look "normal".

time and time again i've tried to explain this to the haters. but it never goes over well.

one line i seem to hear the most is,

"i wish you would... "

what?

change?

be the person you want me to be? because if i did do that, then i would be denying the person i was created to be here and now. the person God created me to be.

and i have seen so much good come from all of this so far.

wearing black nail polish was the first step i took towards being brave. and i remember girls i had know for years and years come out and say they had always liked it, but never felt like they owned the freedom to say they actually did. once i started doing it, they became bolder, too. which was a really amazing and beautiful thing to watch happen to each of those precious ones.

to walk through a grocery store and see a teenage guy dressed like a goth. to see him and smile. to give him a fist bump that says, "keep it genuine. keep it real, bro. don't give up. please don't ever give up. don't ever pretend. don't ever wear a mask. because it would only cover up something so much more beautiful."

to see people like me soften towards me, now that they know i will accept and love them for who they are. not judge, not hate. just love.

* * *

beauty comes in all forms.

beauty might be expressed through bright pink nail polish. or through black.

because we are all beautiful. each and every one of us. so we can't say any form of self-expression is ugly. we can't determine that. it's not our place to decide that.

and over the last year, my eyes have been more open to seeing beauty in everything. in everyone.

so when someone comes along, especially someone i love and trust, and they hate what i'm doing, it crushes me. it crushes my spirit. it hurts that they hate a part of me.

lately i think God's been toughening my skin up quite a bit. which has been difficult, and it's been a tender process for me, since i've always been a really, really sensitive person. ultra emotional over everything. but it's been really good for me.

i think He's leaving me sensitive to the feelings of people. to the places where they're hearts are hurting, but at the same time, making me stronger when it comes to those- well, the haters.

because lately, it just feels like there's a lot of them. crawling everywhere i look. like i can't escape.

and i know we all go through that.

whether they hate us for our religious beliefs, something we believe in, or something along the lines of self-expression.

but those people are the ones that are making me surer of who i am.

Jesus Himself had haters.

so as His follower, i know i'm going to have them, too.

i think a lot of people's trouble is they just can't see all the good. my purpose in it all.

because my purpose is to make a statement that says, "this is who i am. this is what i love. and i'm not afraid to be this person anymore."

but i'm still fighting many, many insecurities. i'm still healing. and i'm still letting God have all of this.

it's almost overwhelming sometimes. trying to heal from the words of people who hate what i do. because there's always something new to try and forgive. to mend from.

but in the end, i think it's important to know that somewhere in the world, there are others like us. i have already come across a couple, and they are some of the most beautiful people i think i've ever met. they are really, truly amazing. inside and out. how they let God have all of them. every part of who they were made to be. they hold nothing back.

but above all else, it is important to know who's words will mean the most. i could go on for hours about how special you are, how your uniqueness shines bright, but my words could never even begin to compare to the words of Jesus. a God who has a special mold for you to fit into. a mold made for you, and only you. it's all just about letting Him fit you into it. and once you have, i can't even begin to explain the happiness and satisfaction that will come from letting Him have who you are. because He made who you are, and who you dream of becoming. who you are should never be dimmed down. your light should never be hidden under a bowl.

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." 

- matthew 5:14-16

so.

so in essence, 

you will meet these people in your life who will be vain and they will think you shouldn't be "abnormally bright".

but i disagree.

be you, and true beauty is going to follow // The Real Bracelet giveaway

individuality- or at least my own personal views on individuality- get a whole lot of... stuff.

stuff like judgement.

i can't even put into words how much it hurts to be judged. and to watch other people be judged. for what they believe. for their own personal decisions. but mostly, just for being who they are. staying true to who they know they are.

judgement has helped in the molding of me. the making of me. judgement was there to see if i would still stay true to myself. when it felt like the whole world was against me, it was always about remembering the only person who could ever completely accept me one hundred percent was Jesus. that He loved the fact that i was embracing this new me. this new me i was made to be. and i know now that this is the person i am supposed to be every day of my life. not every now and then or just when i feel comfortable being different. but every day. thanks to God, i finally know.

but, knowing doesn't always make it easier. i'd be lying big time if i said it was easy being yourself.

* * *

i think a lot of people tend to be afraid of things they don't understand. and a lot of times i tend to think people are judging me, when they might just be a little afraid of how different i am. which is okay, and it's expected. especially if they've known me since i was a little kid. i've definately changed a lot since then. but sometimes we have to determine whether it's judgement, or just the fear of the different.

but the reason i think i often jump to the conclusion that someone is judging me is beaucause every day, when i step out of my house and into the world, wearing dark makeup and skinny jeans and black nail polish, i'm already on edge. i'm tense and nervous, and i don't know what people will think. or worse, what i'll hear them say. i'm happy with who i am, but i can honestly say i'm not completely sold on all of this yet. i love it, and it is a part of what makes up me. but this is different. and as much as i love and embrace different, i'm still adjusting to it all and accepting the fact that i might not be embraced by everyone for it. i guess you could say i'm still just afraid of not being loved. i guess you could say there's still wounds to be healed.

so i'm learning to let go of what people think of me. let go of the need to have their approval. and hold on to God and cling only to what He says about me. what He says about all of us who are daring enough to be the people He made us to be.

* * *

i've recently received a couple of emails. with words that hurt. i think we can all say that we know how much words can hurt.

i've been told i look dark.

i've been told i'm sinning.

i've been told i'm a bad example.

but really, i stand for individuality. i stand simply for being the person God created you to be. and holding nothing back. because i think a lot of people say they want you to be yourself, but in reality when we do become ourselves, they think it's all just too different. maybe what they say goes something like this,

"you can be you, as long as you don't stand out."

i thought we were supposed to stand out, though? if we blended in, doesn't it defeat the purpose? shining is our purpose. and we're all gonna shine different. none of us outshine one another, but we all look different. we all are different. this is what i try to get across in the way i dress.

well some of us like to wear sweat pants. some of us like to wear black skinny jeans. it's whatever you want for yourself. it's whoever you know you need to be. and i think that doing whatever it is you need to do is the best thing you could ever do for yourself.

my own way of self expression is not only through my clothes, but through music and through dance. but those are how i do things. those are some of what God placed on my heart to love. to make up me.

i have a dear friend who absolutely loves obsesses over the tv show Dr. Who. this show has become such a big part of her life. she's passionate about it. and i love that about her! it's something that she found expresses who she is. and i love watching her be unafraid of what people will say about her crazy fandom. because sometimes i don't understand it, but it's what she loves. and i love my friend, so i choose to love this perfectly beautiful, unique part of her. it's a piece of her tender heart that i love getting to see shine bright. to see glow.

"you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious, the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse."  - philippians 4:8

when i read these words, i look at what i try to do. what i try to express in how i dress and in the kind of music i choose to listen to. because what i do may come across as a bit dark to some people. but it's only because they haven't dug deep enough to find out who i really am. and why i do what i do.

and what i am is a girl who doesn't like black nail polish because she was depressed. she wears it because she figured out, through the depression, who she really was. what she really liked. and these are the things that i like. through a lot of self discovery, i found out what i was passionate about. and passion is unique. so this is unique to me.

i don't have it all figured out yet. i really hope that no one ever thinks i do. cause i don't. every day i am learning more about this person i am becoming. i can't wait, though, to see what i'm like in the end. and in the end, i think that all the stares and all the words that burn will be worth it. i know they will. because thus far, they have been. i wouldn't take it all back. ever. sure, there are hard days when i wonder if it's even worth it. but being original is being obedient to God, too, i think. acknowledging that He made no mistake when He created the perfectly wonderful you.

all i want- all i have ever wanted and will ever want- for each of you is that you find yourself. and that then, you would find the strength to be yourself. the strength that comes from God. the strength to go into full bloom.

so i want to give you something.

so i'm having my first giveaway.

i started manufacturing these bracelets a couple months back, but haven't had the time to get an online shop up and running. so until that actually happens, i'm giving away a handful of them.

they are pink, silicone wristbands that read "genuine" on the front and "always choose real" on the back side.

i have my own bracelet. and whenever i wear it, it's a constant reminder for me to not be afraid of who i am. to always choose real. to be all that this blog stands for. to be all that hannah is and all that makes up her.

and if i could, i'd take your hand in mine and press this bracelet into your palm. i'd say "i hope this helps. i hope this helps you to always stay strong. it's making me stronger all the time. and i want that for you. and i know you will find the strength to do that. there's no doubt in my mind that you will find it."

i'm giving away five of these bracelets. and i pray that whoever gets them will be blessed by their message. so, if you want the chance to own one, here's how to enter:

• comment, letting me know you'd like to enter for a chance to win The Real Bracelet. also, tell me a little of how you've applied being genuine to your own life.

and that's it! simple as that. i am so super stoked about these, guys. i hope you are as pumped as me!

i love you all. know that i am always praying for the finding of your own individuality. for each of you. because i know that the real you is worth praying for. that none of it is ever a waste. because you're not a waste, you're beautiful. and you won't be shaken.

choosing joy,
hannah

*giveaway ends may 25th

our futures will all be bright. brighter than the stars.

although my dream has been to become a rocker, i recently asked myself this question,

"what can you really, truly see yourself as? who do you want to see yourself really become?"

* * *

well dreaming has always been a touchy subject for me.

for a long time, i've had reality shoved down my throat. i haven't grown up with a lot of money, i have lost friends, and i have lost family.

so when it comes to trying to be just a little bit impractical, or simply dream, i struggle. i struggle with the idea that there could be even the slight possibility of something besides what looks the most obvious.

becoming the rocker i wanna be doesn't seem- and it really isn't- at all practical.

sometimes when i take a step down from the clouds i realize that my chances are slim.

* * * * *

it is good sometimes to not have unrealistic expectations, but if i have learned anything, it is that Jesus can do anything He wants to. and He wants me to do something about this shriveled up world, i know.

now what am i going to do about it?

all i know, today, is where He is leading me.

it may not seem likely, and there are those that are against me in this.

but a friend recently reminded me, "if God is for you, then who could ever be against you?"

she is so right.

xoxo and happy saturday, lovelies. hannah.

heart

the heart is a fascinating thing to me. it's just got so many capabilities. it has the ability to love like crazy. it has the ability to be broken. it has the ability to mend. to heal. it can do so many things. the heart, in my opinion, is one of God's greatest creations. how He ever thought up all of the emotions it could possibly feel, I have no idea.

i have struggled to understand my own heart. why it's been broken like it has. why it still manages to beat even when my whole being is crumbling down. how it's somehow repaired itself. but all along, it was God who kept it running. keeping it alive. because He knew that one day, it would see joy again. it just had to get through some rough places first. before i could see the light at the end of the tunnel, i had to experience darkness. complete and utter darkness in order to understand what true light actually is.

now i know. it's taken me forever, but now i understand. and that new kind of joy has taken me so many places.

* * * * * * *

for seven long years, i put all that i had into one relationship. laid my heart flat out there, holding nothing back. when i lost that relationship, my heart went with it. all that i had, it just didn't exist anymore.

i've spent forever trying to get it back. and once i finally had, i begun the long process of letting Jesus heal it.

i believe in the power of healing. all the way. completely. i've seen what it can do. what trusting in Jesus and His perfect plan can do.

i also know what it is to love with wild abandon. when you think you know what you're doing, and it all seems like the right thing to do and you'll never have any regrets, only to have your entire world crushed. that's when you lose faith. faith in Jesus. faith in love, in general.

there are days when i feel like something i love is on the line, at risk.
those are the days when i panic the most.
like if i lose it, i could go back to square one.
a place, a really hard place that i don't want to ever be again.

there are days when i wonder if i would be better off putting up some fences, guarding my feelings just a little bit. all my life, love has been about giving it all or nothing. i am trying to teach myself now that some things aren't meant to give everything too. some kinds of love are only meant to go so far, and they may never grow past a certain point. it hurts to think that not all of my loves will be on fire, but that's okay. no relationship is perfect. no relationship is meant to be that way. how can i expect a relationship to be perfect when neither of the people that make it up are?

i'm not saying build up walls. never do that. i'm just saying that you have to expect problems. you have to expect the inevitable imperfections that come with loving someone. 

over the last couple of weeks i have been thinking that maybe the reason Jesus took the one thing i felt i had in the world away was to grow my love and my trust in Him. now, as i begin to rely a little bit on other people the way i used to, i feel that same tug again. like He's telling me i'm beginning to fall backwards by fully trusting one human again. and so i have been meditating on this verse:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."  - Romans 8:28

trusting Jesus with all the love i have is one of the hardest things for me. but in the midst of feeling like i am losing something, He is showing me that He works through it all. that i have been called according to His purpose. and in the end, He works only for the good of those who love Him.

i love Him. and if at sometime in my life He decides to take away and mend again, then it is another chance for me to learn. learn that the only real, true and perfect love that will ever exist is Jesus Love. the only kind that, in the end, will remain.

tattoo photo credit goes to For King and Country via instagram.

joy,
hannah

hope's what we crave

when we are in the midst of something completely terrible, we always seem to crave a little bit of hope. something to cling to and give us a reason to keep going on. because in that time we can't see a purpose anymore. six months ago, i was in deep search for a reason to go on living my life. i missed my best friend. i felt like a failure in school and dance. i believed i was ugly and not worth loving. i was insecure. i was always dwelling on the past. i worried about where my country was headed. i didn't know what i had to live for. i found myself worrying i would end up a messed up adult when i grew up.

these days, Jesus has showed me what to hope for: a future, my future. a future with new relationships. a future where i reach for all my dreams. a future where i can finally see the beauty God put in me. a future where i can believe myself to be worth loving and saving. and i am so much happier these days.

i go through my rough spots, still. where all i want is some hope.

hope is what we crave. 

and that will never change. 

so i stand and wait.

i need a drop of grace to carry me today.

a simple song to save.

it's written on my soul:

hope's what we crave.

for king and country // crave

i know what it's like to be in such despair that you could care less about tomorrow and what it will bring. but i will tell you this. YOU HAVE SOMETHING THAT WILL SPARK YOU TO BELIEVE, TO SEE. and Jesus can show you that. i know from experience. trust me, i've been there. a hundred times over and over again until finally i found the spark. through Jesus. through His Grace. and now i am happy. i found my purpose and can see clearly now everything he has planned for me.

"for i know the plans i have for you," declares the Lord. "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a HOPE and a FUTURE." - jeremiah 29:11

so what i'm trying to say is we all crave hope. and that will never change. so let Jesus change you, beautiful. and i believe that ultimately, we all crave Jesus, who is hope. i choose to put my hope in Him. i pray you will choose to do the same. then i guarantee he will give you a future, too.

with hugs and kisses,
hannah

truth will come to set me free.

at age thirteen, i started to become insecure. i didn't like the way my face looked, i didn't like the way i looked in my clothes. i felt like wherever i went, no one liked me. whatever group or community i became a part of, i felt rejected because i simply wasn't good enough to be in it. i had the hardest time forever trying to express myself after all of that. and i quickly began to lose my identity. i forgot who i was because i was too wrapped up in trying to be who everyone else wanted me to be.

but i'm coming back now. these days, i'm learning to express myself again. through song, because that is the one way i know how.

i've had the hardest time at dancing full out at the studio during the week. i hold back because i'm afraid. afraid that i will be laughed at or maybe what is my very best won't be recognized by my teachers. i hide. every single time. and it's so incredibly frustrating. i don't want to, but sometimes the fear is overwhelming. and i feel hopeless because i don't think i'll ever conquer this.

and as i've developed a love for singing, too, i've had a hard time even singing full out. inside, now i can't explain it well, but i feel like there's always something just wanting to come out and it feels so right. like the voice inside would come out and sound really good if i'd just let it. i hold back when i sing because i am worried that whatever will come out will sound horrible and people will laugh. and i can't afford to be hurt again.

you see, i'm a perfectionist. i don't want to mess up, and i expect everything i do to be perfect or else i will decide i'm no good at the thing.

but this afternoon with everyone in the house downstairs, i had the whole upstairs to myself. all alone. no one to really listen in. i sang full out. i cranked up my speakers and let my voice spill out. and what came up and out of me felt so good and sounded the best i've heard of me before. it was something so beautiful. and the same thing has happened when i lock my bedroom door and just dance with no one watching. no one to judge. nothing to fear. it's the best feeling in the world. in those moments i spend being free, it's the purest joy.

i want to reach the place of doing everything i love, what i am most passionate about, full out. i don't want to hide anymore. i'm getting awful tired of it.

because what i've got to share is beautiful. and there is nothing to fear in that.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." 

-- John 8:32

much love.
hannah