these layers that hurt. i'm gonna trust you with them. and i can only hope you don't run away, too // thanks, bro, for staying

listening to From Where You Are | Lifehouse

recently i spilled out pieces of my story to someone i don't know all that well.

it took everything. being vulnerable.

i bit my nails and my stomach turned to knots as i waited for him to respond through a facebook message. i waited to see how he'd react when he learned i once had these suicidal thoughts.

but he did respond. and i was surprised.

he had listened. he had understood.

he said he'd pray for me. he said he was there for me. that he had my back.

i guess i didn't expect him to take it that well.

because some people don't.

* * *

i spent the whole week after that thinking about how nice it'd be to find some real friends. meet some very real people.

people i could trust with everything. every part of my story, rather than just bits and pieces of it. the bits and pieces i know they could handle. the pieces that wouldn't freak them out too bad.

it was then that i thought, "this guy, he could be someone i could really be friends with."

i felt so blessed. so blessed i cried.

but then my mind and my heart started to wander to before. what all happened last time i trusted everything to one single person. and how when that person left, a part of me died. and i didn't ever want to trust people ever again. i discovered how fragile i actually was, and i didn't want to break. i didn't want to hurt anymore. i didn't want to look at these scars anymore. i loathed them. i resented all the people behind them. so i didn't want to risk the end of everything by loving someone again.

i made up my mind long ago never to trust a friend again.

* * *

so today i am asking myself the question, "could i trust again? and could i be okay with the fact that they may leave? but that it doesn't have to break my world in two next time?"

because what i am afraid of is the leaving part of the story. being rejected. feeling unwanted all over again.

truth is, i'm not yet okay with losing someone.

i really, really hate loss.

i really, really hate losing friends.

there are these layers of me that get peeled back every day. layers i often don't want to face.

layers that show me how insecure i still am.

layers that show me my sin.

layers that show how much healing still needs to be done.

layers that show me my fear of losing people. my fear of losing the love i thought was real and true and the love i thought would stick around. but didn't.

so for a long time, i just assumed don't ever get close to anyone again. because they could just as easily get taken away from you.

but i'm learning.

and when i picture in my mind these new people that i'm learning to trust, i picture them holding strings attached to my hands and legs, like a marionette. lifting the strings, making me do things i've never done before. showing me how to walk again. showing me how to be brave again. showing me what love really means. showing me how to love again.

and i am grateful.

i am so grateful.

grateful that they are giving me a chance. reaching out.

because that is true love, world.