// some words for your day

been listening to:  all of me | matt hammitt 

fix you | coldplay 

xx. hannah.

and one day, you are going to find yourself again.

i didn't. i just didn't.

i didn't think i'd find the strength to be brave.

and even if i did, i didn't believe anyone would ever want to love me.

i figured, if i was lucky, i might end up married someday.

if. if i was lucky enough.

i remember all the times i cried myself to sleep, because i thought i'd be alone forever.

but i have learned that what i've lost in the past isn't going to effect my future. not anymore.

no matter how many friends i've lost, no matter how many friends have let me down and disappointed me and made me not want to love someone ever again, that's not how it's always going to be.

“everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water, and everyone you love is made of stardust, and i know sometimes you cannot even breathe deeply, and the night sky is no home, and you have cried yourself to sleep enough times that you are down to your last two percent, but nothing is infinite, not even loss. you are made of the sea and the stars, and one day you are going to find yourself again." 

 - finn butler -

someday, there will be people who will love you for YOU.

when within the last year i started figuring out who i was again, i started giving everyone i loved, it seemed, this kind of test.

to see if they would still love me if i changed.

because, you see, i have completely changed.

i wanted to know if people would still love me if i started wearing black nail polish. if my interests and activities and even my passions and dreams changed completely.

i wanted to know that i would still be accepted if i started pushing myself to be more of an extrovert than an introvert.

* * * * *

a year ago, i took a good look at all my favorite bands. all of them were outgoing people who loved life everyday and didn't care what the world thought of them. they always stayed true to who they are.

i loved that about them all, and it inspired me.

it inspired me to take a good look at my own life.

when i saw me, i saw a girl who was afraid of stupid things all the time. who worried about what people would think of her way too much.

i've learned so much about myself just by starting this blog.

i learned that there was a me that no one still even quite knows, waiting to be set free.

i learned that music is my whole world.

i learned that i like tattoos.

i learned that i want to be a rocker some day.

i learned that it is important to always dream. and to always fight for your dream.

to not let negative people come between you and what you want for yourself.

i learned that part of loving is accepting.

i learned that i'd been wearing a mask for a very, very long time. i wore the mask just to make the people around me happy and pleased with the girl in front of them.

i was covering up who i was because i was afraid i'd lose the relationships i already had if i changed to much into the person i was becoming. the person i was meant to be.

not because the real me was bad or wrong, but because i know that people don't always love- well, a little bit different.

* * * * *

dear dreamer, who thinks there is no one like her,

there is.

there just is.

i know how it feels to have people all around you who don't understand why you like certain things or do certain things.

but i promise you, you will find people like yourself.

you will find the ones out there who believe in your dreams.
who build you up.
who understand your jokes and the way you say things.

but until then, know that there is a God who loves you, and believes in you more than any person in the world ever could. He knows you are going to do great, great things for this world. He's just wanting you to be brave enough to take the next step towards your destiny, darling.
and i want that for you, too.

joy always,
hannah

anberlin(ing)

not a day goes by anymore that i don't praise God for the influence these boys have had on my life.

i am so proud to call myself an anberlin fan. :)

* * * * *

happy happy friday, loves. how many of ya'll have gone back to school??

x,

hannah.

how humble people are the coolest people.

sunday afternoon.

i check my twitter account, definitely NOT expecting what was to follow.

matt rubano, my musical hero, retweeted that shrimp photo of mine.

my heart literally bursts of out my chest, suspended in air for a moment, and finally came back down to earth.

pure joy filled me up inside. there was probably a big smile spread across my face, too.

* * * * * * *

a reason why i love The All-American Rejects and Matt Rubano so much is because of how humble they are. they don't think they are all that cool, which is exactly what makes them so cool. they really truly care about their fans and make a real point to reach out to us.

i think it would be hard to be as humble as they are in an industry where pride is being thrown in your face. but they have always kept their heads on straight and never thought that they were better than anyone else. they've never been too big for their boots. not once. they truly are the most humble people i have ever known. isn't that amazing? i think it is.

so my moment came yesterday.

the fact that he would take the time to do this was just so super cool. if only he knew how much it meant...

someday, i will meet them in person. someday, i will be able to tell them that i am "The Shrimp Girl". :) and that will be a grand day, indeed.

thank you so much, Matt!!! you're the absolute BEST.

choosing joy,
hannah

:: five ::

RAGGED magazine // bagels and cream cheese // 

Women of Faith conference // meeting Ann Voskamp! 

// my dance teacher's treasured praise

with hugs and kisses (who remembers that? :),

hannah

musicians i have looked up to

not only has music become a huge part of me, but bands and artists themselves have, too.

you all know this. like the All-American Rejects. and For King and Country. it was the Rejects boys who helped me to start to be more wild and free. and it was Joel and Luke who taught me that there is always hope.

so because their songs have helped me, they have helped me. they write the songs that have gotten me through dark, dark places. and i can never thank them enough for that. i look up to them all so much.

i could name a hundred of them. but i will try to keep this list to a minimum of three extremely talented people. people who i want to play guitar like someday.

---------------------------------------------------------

these are the artists who have inspired me the most. 

and they have grown me in more ways than they could possibly imagine.

nick wheeler.
when i first aspired to playing the guitar, you all know. i dreamed of one day playing like Nick Wheeler of AAR. and i still do.

when i first started out, i watched him play and i was completely and utterly mesmerized. like, he blew me away. and it was this guy who helped me toward my dream to begin with. on days when i felt down because i just couldn't hold my pick quite right, i would think of him and where he is as a musician now. and it kept me going.

matt rubano.
holy goodness. this guy is the most talented bassist i have ever known. and he has the most amazing hair ever. and he is super stylish. and he is the one who made me want to aspire to playing bass. like him. cuz he's the ultimate boss.

a music college i have looked at is actually where he went to college!

so one day, if i go there, too, i will have a lot to thank this guy for. :)

adam lazzara.
it's funny how i found this guy, actually. you see, matt rubano plays with the rejects on tour, who played with adam in the band Taking Back Sunday for a while.

yeah, yeah all of my favorite rock bands know each other. and it doesn't get much better than that.

but adam here plays acoustic guitar. like me. except he's way cooler when he does it. and way faster. and he doesn't have to look at his fingers when he plays.

i wanna play like that.

someday, i will get there. 

it will take time, of course, i know that. i expect that. it's been frustrating, but i have a lot of people to look to when i'm down. 

i can look to them and say, "someday". 

someday it will all happen.

and i will be glad i did.

love and hugs,

hannah.

the most beautiful night of my life.

 

For King and Country. A band. A Christian band. Joel and Luke. Two brothers who have a passion for Jesus and music. Two young men who have had a huge impact on my little life. So, naturally, when I found out they were coming to my hometown as the first stop on their new tour, my instinct was to buy tickets with a few of my friends from church as soon as possible. And we've been counting down the days ever since.

Well Wednesday night was the night.

And I do not exaggerate when I say that it was the best night of my entire life.

It was everything. It was the joy I felt in being a part of the dancing and the singing. It was the special experiences I shared with Joel and Luke, and it was being with my friends and praising Jesus... as sisters standing side by side.

We laughed and we cried. We fangirled. We jammed out. We killed our vocal cords. It was such an incredible, beautiful beautiful thing. It was the most amazing experience I've ever had.

* * * * *

I remember joking with one of my girlfriends earlier in the week about how crazy-awesome it would be to meet the guys. But of course, we believed there was no way in heck that that could ever happen. The odds were just too small to even consider for one second.

But Jesus fulfilled my dreams that night. In fact, He did way, way more than I could ever have asked or imagined. Not only did we meet Luke and Joel, but my dear friend G and I shared a very special moment with Joel before the show started.

So here is the story. Here is the event that forever changed my life.

Waiting in line:

we were bored and antsy to get inside the church where the concert was going to be, so we sang super loud and took pictures of our feet.

The morning of the concert, G and I put our brains together and thought it would be really awesome to make our own For King and Country tshirts to wear that night. So we did. And we covered them in lyrics from some of the band's songs scribbled on with sharpies, our own designs of "busted hearts", and some-- uh, stuff on the back. We were so proud. Still are, in fact. ;)

G and i. and R in the background, being the epic photo-bomber that she is.

We even "tattooed" our arms and hands with lyrics from the band's songs! Yeah, yeah we went kinda crazy.

All day that day, wearing our shirts and lyrics on our arms, people told us we were "crazy and weird".

But I'd like to add that none of the following would have ever happened if we hadn't gone for it like we did...

* * * * * * *

Showtime.

And we are waiting for it to finally start.

Things are running a bit behind schedule, so G decides to go shop at merch.

About five minutes later, she comes back out to where I and the other girls are, wearing a very serious look on her face. ( you should know that this girl is NEVER serious or straight-faced ) "Hannah!" she says. "I need you to come with me right now! Apparently there are some people out there who want to take pictures of the fans like us!"

I scream. She screams. We are both freaking out.

My heart is racing. I imagine hers was, too.

We both run out to where merch is, hand in hand. Weaving our way through the crowds.

When we reach one of the tables set up in the lobby covered in official For King and Country merchandise, we are told to wait for the photographer.

So we wait. And we wait. We wait for what seems like an eternity, until it's just about showtime. We are getting a little concerned about it starting without us and consider leaving and trying to come back later after the show is over.

We are on the verge of turning to go.

But just then, Joel comes running up the basement steps. My heart stops. I grab G fast and make out, "G, IT'S JOEL!" She whips her head around and sees him now, too. Mouths hanging wide open and clinging tightly to one another, we watch him, time standing still in our minds. He looks like a man on a mission. But he quickly stops to hug a lady who must have been a friend at one of the tables closest to the stairs. She hugs him back and then stops him as he turns to go, points to us, and whispers something in his ear. I'll never know what she said, but I can only guess.

Because the biggest, most genuine grin I've ever seen crosses his face as his eyes meet mine for one split second. He has seen our shirts. He breaks out into a run, making his way around the masses of people to where we are standing, knees shaking. People are staring now. He says as he is getting closer, "let me see those tshirts!" And then, with arms wide open, reaches us and says, "Give me some love!" we hug him and he's got his arms tight around us both. Then he tells us to stop by meet and greet afterwards so we can talk more.

As he runs off to get ready to start, the photographer finally arrives. I look at Grace and she looks back at me. She tears up, and I immediately break out into sobs. We've got our arms locked around each other, crying into each others shoulders. Now people are really staring, but I could care less. I had just met Joel of For King and Country. He hugged us. He loved our shirts we had put so much work into. Someone says, "Wow! He hugged her and made her cry!"

Yes. He made me cry happy tears.

Here was Joel of a major Christian rock band, the brother to Rebecca St. James, who was busy and had plenty on his mind I am sure, but he took the time to stop and say hi to us. Maybe somehow he could see how much I look up to him and his brother, how much their songs have helped me to heal from the past. How much they have influenced me. How much I respect them for being the Godly young men that they are.

Well we get our pictures taken and then we head back inside where the concert was to be held, red-eyed and still bawling like babies. Yes, yes now both of us are in tears.

G and I make our way back to our seats. Hugging and crying and hugging and crying and I am blowing gobs of snot from my nose, wishing I had brought more kleenexes with me ( TMI, I know. I do apologize ). The other girls in our group are worried sick when they see us in the state that we are in. They think something really awful has just happened. But all I can say when they ask us what's wrong is, "Joel just hugged us!". I still don't know how I managed to make even that out in between sobs. And now they are laughing and smiling all their gorgeous smiles as we retell our story. More sobs. More hugs. More snot-blowing.

I have never been so happy in all my life.  

I don't think Joel could ever know how special and worth it all he made me feel.

Then it begins. First, Dara Maclean plays her set, followed by my boys.

And somehow, right as Luke and Joel begin their performance, Jesus saves just enough places right up next to the stage for us. Somehow, we were able to take up new spots five feet away from where the two were playing.

All throughout the show, me and my girls sway to the sentimental, slow songs, bounce up and down and clap and snap to the fast songs, and cry to the songs that mean something to each of us in a different way. We share gut-busting laughs as Joel would sometimes catch my eye or G's and smile as we jammed out like there was no tomorrow. But I think it was mostly just that he remembered us as the girls with the cool tshirts from earlier. ;)

D and R. and of course, Joel and Luke working their magic in the background. ;)

I loved it most when the lights would go out and the only thing in that huge, dark room would be the flashing of these two bright white lights that Joel and Luke would shine all around the room. I loved it when one of the boys would stand on top of the piano and jam out. I loved it when they would let people from the crowd sing a bit from a song of theirs while they held the mic up to them.

But I loved holding my friend's hands, or putting our arms around each other and being a part of it all. I remember crying in the middle of Crave being played and G reaching out to squeeze my hand. Or Dara talking about forgiving someone who has hurt you, and my friend D putting an arm around me as the tears flowed.

It felt like we were all sort of linked together by something invisible. Like we were all connected. And I truly believe that that was Jesus working; I believe it was the Holy Spirit that had us knit together like that. It really was a remarkable, indescribable feeling. Unreal. Call me cliche, but almost other-worldly.

Intermission:

g, me, d and c.

At this point, my mom calls me up to check on us. I tell her everything is great, and about my experience with Joel. She can hardly believe it. I tell her I love her and say goodbye, promising to give her all the wonderful details in between later on. It is now Jason Castro's turn in the spotlight.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the end of the show, all of the performers are back on stage and thanking us for coming and being so amazing. They say we were the perfect kick-off for this tour. But I want to thank them. I want to thank them for everything they do for me every day of my life.

We end by singing The Proof of Your Love at the top of our lungs.
And we kind of pretty much blow the roof off that building.

* * * * *

Meet and Greet. 

Hands shaking and sweating, we finally made our way up to the table where Luke and Joel were signing just about anything. So... yeah, they ended up signing one of G's blue converse. And those moments I spent talking to them are now a blur of complete and utter happiness swirling around in my head... and in my heart.

Joel comments more than once about how awesome our shirts are. They both sign a scrap of blue paper for me. Luke adds Romans 12 to the bottom of his signature, which talks about being a living sacrifice to Jesus; letting my life be the proof of HIS LOVE.

He tells us he thinks our shirts are pretty awesome, too, and then we walk away. But as we are going, I turn back to quickly tell him, "Thank you for everything you do!" He says, "No problem!"

 * * * * * 

The emotion I felt during this concert was like nothing I have ever experienced before. I was even compelled more than once to lift up my hands in praise and close my eyes and just sing as loudly as I could and it didn't ever matter. Later, G and I decided we both felt that because Joel and Luke were doing it and making it feel like a relaxed and safe place for us to be, we felt like we could do that, too. It was just plain beautiful. And I don't know how else to describe it. Just beautiful. And surreal.

I will remember this night for the rest of my life. I can honestly say that it has grown my faith. Yes, yes just one night can take my faith and twist it into something I had never seen or known before. It made me realize the power of music. It made me realize how His Spirit moves in all things, because I had never witnessed it quite like this.

I am so blessed to have met these guys. They were the most polite, respectful, and sweet dudes I have ever talked to. I could clearly see their love for Jesus is all that they did. Not only in their performance, but in the way they treated me and my friends. Their actions will always remind me what it actually looks like to see the proof of His Love in someone's life. I looked up to them a lot before, but I do even more now.

This night, just this one night, changed me so much. It changed my out looks and perspectives on things. It softened my heart towards people I was unforgiving towards. It gave me hope for the future. It showed me how much Jesus does love me. After all He has done. In just one stinkin night. Heck YES.

All I can say is thank you. Thank you Luke, thank you Joel! Thank you, Jesus!!! Thank you for giving me yet another piece in the puzzle of healing. But I think this one counts as more than one. It counts as a couple. It has helped me to begin to see what is coming together. I can start to see my heart now. I can start to see what's coming and what You've got planned for me. And it looks to be pretty sweet. I am looking forward to it.

A heart filled with gratitude and complete joy,
Hannah

p.s. a special shout out to Mandi for all the amazing photography you see here!!! You rock, girl! <3

thank you, great big amazing musicians. you inspire me everyday.

and the title pretty much sums it up.

i wanted to write this post, not to fangirl, but to stop and say thank you to a couple of really awesome people out there who probably won't ever read this, but i just wanted to say it.

dear All-American Rejects, Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber, Chris Rene, Tenth Avenue North and For King and Country,

you have blessed me in more ways than you can ever imagine. some of you have encouraged me to be myself and live my dreams, and others have helped me to "move along" from the past and finally heal. i wouldn't have the passion i have now for music if it weren't for you all.

you have all been such great influences on my life.

dear tyson, nick, mike and chris,
you have taught me to move along even when it's hardest. you've taught me to be free and loose and wild and, well... just myself. you taught me that there are guys out there ( besides justin bieber ) who can pull off colored skinny jeans. you inspired me to pick up guitar.

dear taylor,
you taught me how to deal with that mean girl who makes me feel like i'm nothing.

dear chris,
you show me how Jesus works through all things.

dear justin,
you taught me to go for my dreams.

dear tenth avenue north,
you helped me to heal after a great loss in my life.

dear luke and joel,
you showed me what Godly, respectful men should be like.

thank you, amazings. you bless me.

with hugs and kisses,

hannah.

 

my inspiration

i've just picked up the guitar. like seriously, just picked it up. i've always wanted to learn an instrument, but i've had my focus mainly on dance up until now. and if i really want to do something with music, i've got to learn an instrument, dang it! so i've decided to learn guitar. want to know why this has suddenly happened for me? okay, okay i will tell you why...

this happened. this guy, yes, this guy right here. he is my inspiration and my soul reason for deciding to make some noise. this is nick wheeler of the all-american rejects. and he is the bomb, girls.

oh goshbubbles. i can't even describe his talent. or his insane awesomeness. he's a natural at what he does. my dream? to one day play like him. i can't even put into words how much i would love to do that.

i mean, come on, how cool would you have to be to have your own guitar solo while standing on top of a moving lawn mower for a video shoot? yes, yes he is that awesome.

yeah, i know that what i plan to aspire to is gonna take a heck of a lotta time, but i'm really willing. because if you heard him play, you'd wanna aspire to playing like him, too.

thanks, nick, for being such an awesome, musical role model. you make me happy, bro. :)

okay, so sorry for all the fan girling lately. i'll try to tone it down. but you should know that when i fan girl, i don't just fan girl like every other girl who fans. i fan girl hardcore. okay, okay i'll just shut up now because i think you got my message.

hugs and kisses.
hannah

 

broken (and beautiful)

over this weekend i was all over youtube, watching old x factor auditions. and it was then that i came across Chris Rene's. when his face first popped up on the screen, i immediately thought "great. just another mess". and then he walked out on that stage, and he sang. and he was amazing. words actually cannot describe it. and he is on the road to recovery from drugs and alcohol, which is what his song "Young Homie" is all about:

 

i have never cried before while watching american idol or x factor from hearing crazy-talented people sing, but when the crowd went crazy and he was so happy and he cried, i teared up, too. i'm a sympathetic crier.

* * * * * * *

i'm on my own road to recovery, as well. not from drugs and not from alcohol, but from a lotta years of being hurt and a lot of years of pain. i've got some healing to do and so does he. so i could relate. and he has a passion for singing, which i share, too. :)

his story made me realize how we're all a bit broken, but we're all beautiful inside. we all have a story of our own. and we're all gifted. and in some way or another we need to show the world what we've got to offer. and that is what makes us beautiful, the talent that Jesus stored up inside you and me and Chris Rene.

chris rene. ♥

much love,
hannah

to catch the dream

After some soul-searching, I've made up my mind. Although I want to go on as a professional dancer, I also know I want to do something on the side with photography. And now, something with singing, too. I just love to sing! Music is my soul. Cranking up the volume to the highest notch on an upbeat Rejects song and dancing around my bedroom is the best feeling in the world.

The people who have inspired me the very most to go for this dream is ( and are you surprised? ) AAR. They started out as a little band in Oklahoma and got big by simply going for their dream. I'm just one girl, living in Missouri, homeschooled, and only my brother has heard me sing in front of my bedroom mirror.

But he sings, too, and loves it. He dreams of going on as a singer, too. Maybe we can do something together. Only problem is, he doesn't like The Rejects, which is a huge buzzkill for me...

but it will all work out. i'm just gonna catch the dream and yeah, yeah from there everything will work out. i'm sure of it.

appropriate for the idea of this post, no? :)

hugs and kisses,
hannah

p.s. and happy happy happy mother's day to my mother, and all the beautiful, amazing, talented mothers out there. i just wanted to thank mine for giving me life and doing everything she's done for me. she kinda rocks.