i thought God was always so ashamed of me.
and i didn't think God was all that loving when i realized how sad i was. that i was depressed. cause i never thought it would me who'd end up like i had. that just wasn't supposed to happen to me.
then it did.
something was mentioned about forgiveness.
and then it clicked in my head.
i was forgiven long ago.
all these years of carrying around baggage was just me. me having it all slung over my shoulder. letting it hinder me from living my life. baring all the weight. and there was so much of it.
it was something so simple, but it has finally clicked, i think.
this is where i finally realize that i am forgiven. that i don't have to keep on being ashamed. that i can stand proud and say i'm okay.
because God says i'm okay.
i was forgiven a long time ago.
i've spent years trying to figure out how to get rid of the shame. i'd try and confess, but afterwards, i still felt ashamed and didn't understand why. so i just walked away.
and i think all along i had been forgiven. i just had never forgiven myself.
that's all it was.
God has already said, "it's okay. it's done. now heal."
i think He tried to tell me that so many times. but i didn't hear any of it because i took so much upon myself. too much.
* * *
so who am i?
i am beautifully broken.
i want to keep changing.
i don't want to be enslaved by my past. both by what i did, and what people have done to me and what's happened to me.
cause so much has happened.
Dad had cancer.
i lost my best friend.
i struggled with depression and anxiety and insecurities. and still do. every single day. i'll look in the mirror most days and not see the beauty that God sees. i'll hate myself for worrying all the time. i'll wonder why i've been so sad before.
wonder why it's been me who's screwed up so much and so bad.
it's all brokeness.
but i can still see that love has come for me.
and it's knowing now, too, that i'm not the only one trying to forgive herself. there are others to, who've messed up just as bad as i have. and our sin is exactly the same. weighs exactly the same.
love has come for all of us.
so forgive yourself, beautiful. just let it go. you can let it go now. you're okay.
set yourself free.
let Him set you free.