Wednesday, July 3, 2013

but this is not for you, this is for Him and it is for me.

these last few weeks turned into months very quickly.

they were months when i would get dressed every day and look in the mirror and ask, "who am i?" because i felt like something was about to change. i couldn't understand it. couldn't word it. but something was just different. and i didn't know what it was yet.

then, suddenly, i figured it out over these last few days.

i had changed.

i had recently gone through a lot. i made a new, true friend. i healed so much.

and i had changed.

from the inside out.

* * *

i've always known i wouldn't be this punk rocker forever. i knew i would change into another person. grow as i took another step towards who God ultimately wants me to end up as. who He wants me to be. i just didn't think it would be this soon.

when i figured out that i wasn't meant to be a somewhat gothic-looking rock star anymore, it broke my heart at first. i felt like for a little while now, i had just been doing all this for the shock factor. because i was angry. so, so angry. i was angry that people who claimed to love me were judging me for going a different route with my life. wearing darker makeup. painting my nails black. so i continued to only do things to get back at them. get even. which is what i never wanted this to be.

recently, God told me it was time to change again. when i asked Him what that was going to look like, He answered with something i hadn't done in a long time. something that looked like what i considered to be "normal". a foreign concept to me. a foreign way of life.

at first, it broke my heart. and it was like a death in a way, too. the death of me.

so here it is.

i'm not a rocker anymore.

i don't feel the calling anymore to be that person. i learned much while growing into that person, but that's just not me. not today.

and you know what? it's okay.

i'm not being any less genuine. i'm simply changing. which is what i always hope to be doing.

i'm not becoming someone else because life simply got too tough to bare. the haters were never more than i could take. but i knew i just couldn't continue on being someone that God was telling me it was time to put on the shelf.

not because who i was was bad. or because what i was doing was sinful, but because i am growing. i'm older. and much has happened to mold me into someone new over the past couple weeks. especially over the past couple of days.

* * *

so here's the story.

i am still me.

my heart has not changed. that never will. i will always strive for nothing more than individuality. it just won't be expressed in the same way. i'll probably look more calmed down.

and i still want each of you to be who you are. i still want you to be as genuine as possibly possible.

because i am still genuine, too.

but people change.

and i have changed.

and i don't want this to be sad anymore. i want this to be happy.

it's taken different experiences, different people, to bring me to this place. this wonderful, beautiful place of figuring out who i am all over again. the place where i have to rely on God completely.

and i am glad to be moving forward.

this is moving forward. right here, right now.

it's not a betrayal to my hard-rocking friends.

and i still may get a tattoo or two some day.

but i am different now.

and that's okay.

but i change for me, and not for the haters.

and chances are, the haters might not hate on me so much once they read my words and see a more normal-looking person start to emerge.

but this thing. this whole thing has shown me much.

it's shown me who my real friends are. who will always love me for me.

it's shown me what it means to be genuine. to be really and truly REAL.

it's shown me that i am beautiful, no matter what people tell me.

but most of all, it's changed the way i look at the world. the way i look at people. because now, i look at each and every one of them as walks of life.

these days, i see nothing but beauty when i see the mohawk. and the skull tattoo. the painted nails. the neon skinny jeans. the guy with the eyeliner. i see it, and i appreciate it more than they know.

because any Christian can say they are genuine simply by believing different than the rest of the world.

but it takes guts to put on something funky, and i mean REALLY funky, and walk out that door into the world. because then it's visible. it's something everyone sees and can judge and snicker at. but those are the bravest people, in my opinion. they are unashamed. they are the ones i have the utmost respect for.

and i cherish that.

* * *

i look different now.

people can tell.

the black eye shadow isn't there.

i don't wear all black. i wear more color.

my nails don't even get painted very often.

and it's not bad. i like it. i feel beautiful.

but the other stuff wasn't bad, either. i was beautiful then, too.

that was simply me, for a period of my life.

but now i am someone different. someone new.

i'm not choosing to be normal or less genuine. i'm simply letting God take control. and that was hard. it was so hard to let go of what He's been piecing together for a very long time.

but He has a perfect plan.

and i know now that this is just a small fraction of it.

and it is beautiful.

because it will never matter in the end what i put on my body.

it's just a shell.

what's on the inside is going to be what counts. at the end of it all.

it is what counts.

so here's to moving somewhere new. 
here's to lighting it up again and pursing what this blog is all about.
being who we were created to become.

and i was created to sit here, and write for you.

the last few days i thought about giving up on genuine through many hardships and endless struggles that seemed impossible to overcome.

but i have overcome them.

still, i am getting through them.

and i can see the light.

and in the end, i'm meant to be here. and still find a meaning to write. a reason.

that reason is to give you hope, beautiful.

and i'm not giving up that easy.

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