Thursday, May 30, 2013

when the line is fine. and hardest to walk on. still you must be brave, and run.

lately i've been riding the dividing line between being the friend and enemy of some people. people i guess i thought would be the ones to stick around. but once i changed my mind and made myself a name, i don't think they were expecting such a big change. i don't think they were at all sure how to handle me. and right now, it just feels like they've decided to hit the road and turn their noses up at me.

there are days when i'm sad about it. when all i want back is them. those special, bright people. and i cry, because i miss what used to be.

there are days i'm so angry i'd like to throw a punch. i'd like to scream. i'd like to leave them behind and let them see how it feels. judge them. see how it all feels. just be done. cause sometimes, i really don't know how much more judgement i can take.

there are days when i want to forgive. and days when i don't.

days when i call them my enemies. days when i call them my friends.

and days, like today, where i am trying to find that place in between. not hate them, but not give them every piece of my heart, either.

because i know that until they can change- if they decide to change- until they can open up their eyes, i can't do anything. i can only sit back and pray that they come around. see that i do what i do for myself. that i became who i am today because i am choosing to follow God's plan for my life. trying to figure things out and becoming something new. something better than i was before.

i'm not rebelling against these people, i'm rebelling against normal. and what the world would like me to be. i'm rebelling against suffocating to death underneath all the legalistic expectations. i'm becoming my own person. i'm trying to be brave and take more leaps of faith more often.

the reason i cry these days is because it hurts to have loved ones turn against you. the ones you thought you could trust with everything. and when you find out you can't, then nothing feels stable. everything feels like it could come crashing down at any time. any moment. any second. and everything you worked so hard to build up for yourself could get taken away.

and you wonder if you should just wait to become your own person until you're free some day.

but if i've learned something recently, it's that i can't keep waiting.

because i could die tomorrow.

i really could.

and don't want to waste time dreaming about the day when i would be free. i want to be free today. right now. and look forward to tomorrow morning because i'll be free, then, too. do things without worrying about what people will say or think... or do. what i could lose for being me.

i'm sure that can sound like i'm a loose cannon, that i'm throwing away everything, but i'm not. if you knew me for my whole life, you'd know how reserved i was. how quiet i was because i was afraid i'd say something and people would laugh at me. make fun of me. how afraid i was of being in real relationships.

i was so afraid of screwing up.

and i still am.

so now it is time for me to be okay with people thinking i'm screwing up. i know i'm not. i know that painting my nails black and being in a rock band and wanting tattoos someday isn't sinful. and i can't keep living to please people. i have to live to please God and myself. i have to live, and be happy. holding nothing back.

* * *

so lately has meant trying to forgive, without letting myself latch onto the same people again. without letting myself believe that they are gonna be good friends from now on. i need to start to separate myself little by little.

i need people who are going to support me in becoming me. support my dreams. support my individuality. because that's all i'm trying to be. me. myself. and i. that's all. i don't expect people to agree with me, just not put what i love and have chosen for myself down. because that cuts me all up inside. they have no idea how much it really does hurt.

that's when my heart hardens and i can't keep from labeling them as the enemy. i'm trying to forgive, or wanting to, and then they push me to the ground. and when i have a hard time getting back up, that's when it feels like it's going to be a thousand years until i can let go and move on. forgive them for thinking i'm a worse sinner than they are.

because some days i want them to stay.
others i simply don't.

i'm trying to love. i'm trying to help heal these people's wounds and support them and give them words to help them up off the ground. i'm trying to laugh with them. but that's hard to do when they aren't helping me along this road. this shaky, shaky road. when, repeatedly, i get shoved to the dirt. with words. with looks that kill.

some days i want to forgive.
others i don't.

i'm riding the dividing line and i'm learning to place the unhealthy relationships outside my life.

the thing is, last time i did that, i ended up with a very broken heart and a stack of years to spend evaluating how i was going to ever heal. how i was ever gonna let go.

but this time, i want to be able to move on and be okay when the deed is done.

i don't want to spend years wondering if i did the right thing or mourning over the loss.

i want to not be afraid to walk this road by myself. without people, i mean. because i've got God. and He is showing me how even when people disappoint, He never will. He really never will do what people will do.

He's showing me i need to be confidant without people to tell me i should be. that i need to know i'm beautiful- inside and out- without people telling me i am. that what i love is beautiful. that the black nail polish is beautiful. that the dreams of tattoos and piercings are beautiful. that the skinny jeans are beautiful. that the rock band is beautiful. because i am beautiful. and because my heart is figuring out how to shine brighter through what i love.

and i am learning to love and accept bravery.

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