when the waves are taking you under, hold on just a little bit longer. He knows that this is gonna make you STRONGER.

i've spent the last few days understanding, or trying to understand, what it means to cling to God's hand. even when i don't know what's going on.

even when i have horrific nightmares.

even when i look in the mirror and don't like what i see.

i've been holding on. but a lot of the time, i have these things happen and i can't imagine why the heck He'd let them happen. to me. to anyone, really. because they're that awful. they're that painful.

but. stronger.

stronger is the word i've been writing all across my heart.

somehow, He knows that this is gonna make me stronger.

in the end, years from now, He knows the person i'll be. and i can be a better, stronger person because of this. if i let Him mold me into that person.

i've been told that i "inspire people".

well, maybe i do. maybe i don't.

but if by chance someone needs a hand up- a boost- today, here's something i want to say to YOU, then:

even when the waves are taking you under, precious,

hold on just a little bit longer.

because just 24 hours, even, can make a huge difference.

they are with me.

every day as i take a step back from the mirror, not look into it so much, and try to figure out what it is He is wanting to show me through all this, i am finding joy.

which is something i've been desperately looking for for the past couple of years.

even when it hurts, i'm still trying to find joy.

and i can find joy in the fact that i have dear friends to see when i get home from this trip away.

i can find joy that i am finding healing, slowly but surely, from losing my best friend. i always thought i couldn't do that, but i am. because of Jesus. all because of Jesus.

i can find joy in the fact that i am stronger, much stronger, than i was this time last year.

this time last year year i had a long list, and still do, of broken dreams. a list of people who didn't do their jobs in my life.

but God is showing me that all those things weren't necessarily what i needed. some things i don't necessarily need. and i don't need anything like i need Him.

and He is giving me what i need to get through each day, a step at a time.

He's giving me a reason every day to SING. and sometimes, that means singing anyway.

even after i have a bad dream and i have fear and i don't know how to cope anymore, He tells me that it is gonna make me stronger.

the nightmares will make me stronger.

like Dad's cancer made me stronger.

like losing my best friend made me stronger.

like all these insecurities will make me stronger.

somehow, and i don't know how quite yet, i want to let Him make me stronger through this.

* * *

so.

so let this make you stronger, beautiful.

somehow. i don't know you and i don't know what's wearing you down. but.

but it's all the same.

He knows that this is gonna make you stronger.

so, so much stronger.

three kinds of happy | reflecting on a good year.

been listening to::  what if we were real  | by Mandisa

- painting for a dear friend. i used to be big into making art with my momma, an amazing artist, but... you know. you get busy and caught up in everything else going on in your life that you don't make time to do these kind of things anymore. but i had a lot of fun making this for my friend so i might be doing it more often. (:

- packing for germany. i'm one of those weird sickos that finds it fun- yes, actually fun- to organize suitcases. it's my groove thang. don't judge.

- reflecting on this whole last year. last year before school started, i made up my mind to aspire to being a professional ballerina someday. i knew it would be hard. i knew it was going to involve me growing up a lot faster. making sacrifices. working physically harder than i had ever worked before. and it has. but when i first decided what i wanted, i didn't want to tell my dance teachers. i'd be a jerk and a big fat liar if i said i was at the top of my class back then. no. heck. no. just no. i was pretty bad. so i didn't want to tell my teachers what i wanted because i thought they'd say i couldn't do it. because i simply wasn't good enough. i wanted to wait to tell them when i was better. but, in the end, my mom and i told one of my teachers together. i've had her since i was four or five. and she surprised me.

she told me to go for it.

so i have spent the whole year "going for it".

and it was a good year. a hard year, but a good year.

i became a different person.

at the start of the school year, i wanted to look like a goth. so i did. i became that person.

i lost some dear friends over it. and it broke my heart. they judged me for my outer appearance. they didn't look at what was in my heart anymore.

i slipped back into depression.

i was angry, and i was hurt.

then some things happened to make me feel a fresh burden of shame and guilt. things i later learned i didn't need to feel. i had been believing lies for months. and it was all so crippling, i almost decided to end my life.

and that's another thing, i made a really amazing friend. someone i knew, but not really. i had known of him for three, almost four years. but things changed when i was at the end of my rope and needed someone to talk to. which was big for me. i hadn't trusted anyone in a long time. out of fear that they might leave. or that they might get to know me, and then run off in the other direction. which terrified me either way. so i just didn't want to try to make friends anymore. i was settling for being alone.

but i was so weighed down by everything collapsing around me that i decided to be brave. and thus far, this person had seemed pretty trustworthy.

so we met for coffee.

and. you know. he's pretty popular here on the blog.

he's the one i made the painting for.

and he's the best.

and i feel so blessed to call him my friend.

seriously, guys.

he doesn't judge. he listens.

so after i met him, i mean really met him, got to know him, things started to change.

i prayed for the first time in a long time.

and God showed me what i needed to do next.

the next thing to do was change. the outside of me.

that was when i stopped with my gothic fling. that was when i set it to the side, and said goodbye to it. it was time to move somewhere else. figure out who i was all over again.

i figured out who was real in my life. i mean who was going to stay. and be real with me.

i learned what it means to give someone grace. real and true grace. what it means to forgive. and i am by no means done forgiving. but it's getting better. it's getting better every day.

the most recent thing was a sudden panic.

when i realized i had someone coming back in again, that i was letting someone back in again, i panicked.

i didn't want to relive what happened before.

so i wondered.

i questioned the meaning of community.

that's how much losing someone stills terrifies me.

because i remember the pain.

and how long it took before- how long it is still taking- to move on.

but here's the thing.

moving on from this thing is becoming easier.

i don't really know how God's doing it, i just know that my heart is becoming more and more okay with accepting that my oldest friend isn't going to be my friend anymore. she hasn't been for a long time, but i couldn't admit that for a long time, either.

now i can.

* * *

so.

so it's been a year since all this newer craziness started up.

it's been a roller coaster.

a crazy mess, but a beautiful mess nonetheless.

there was hurt, yes, but there has also been new healing. slow healing, but it's still healing.

and healing is making me stronger.

when nightmares and panic strike, get on your knees.

listening to: britt nicole | straight for your heart

it felt like i was forgetting, or maybe just starting to.

move on, inch forward a bit. not a lot, but a little bit,

but. you know.

you have nightmares about it. you keep on thinking and thinking about it until the fear and the worry of what could happen takes you over.

i've lost sleep over it.

i haven't been able to dance like i normally do, because it's been on my heart.

i feel sick to think about the whole thing.

-------------------------

three weeks away is going to be good.

three weeks away to clear my head again.

three weeks to put everything and everyone i know in perspective again.

and when i come back, i think i'll be ready. i'll be a little stronger, maybe.

* * *

a couple of nights ago, i thought i was on my way to healing.

and i still am.

but you see, i kept on thinking about the past.

i kept thinking about things that hadn't haunted me in a while.

new feelings i hadn't felt before about these things began to emerge. anger. fear. but mostly extreme fear. crippling fear.

these last few days, i've cried more than i've smiled.

because so much is changing.

for the first time in seven years, my dad has a job.

and for the first time in ten years, my family and i are taking a vacation.

i have a new friend who is near and dear to my heart.

but at the same time, i've got a big past clinging to my shoulders. and it doesn't seem to want to let go.

* * *

i know, right now, that i'm never too far to find my way back home. and neither are the people who have hurt me.

it's just the letting go. it's the pushing the depression away.

and as i start to let more and more people in, i think more and more of the friend i lost a long time ago.

that makes me cringe. that makes my heart sink and stick to the muck at the bottom.

i keep coming across her picture more and more. and all it does is hurt.

so i think i know now what i'm working towards is being able to look at that photo of her, and not feel the pain. not cry anymore.

i can't imagine that. still, three years later, i can't possibly fathom it.

these days, one incredible conversation with a real friend is always followed by a thought or two of my oldest friend. who left.

and then i get scared all over again. i panic. i wonder if i'll go through it all again. and then i wonder if i'd make it if i had to face it all again.

then i question if it's all really worth it.

if community is worth the risk.

the risk of my paper heart.

the last few days have proved that it is.

i remember laughing out loud when i texted a dear friend and asked him to pray for me. he was at a restaurant. he said he'd go pray in the bathroom, though, so it'd "be more real". love that kid.

but the last few days have proved that it'll be okay. it just hurts right now. but i'll get through it.

my Jesus got me through it once, He can get me through it again.

that is all i know. and so that's what i have to keep my eyes fixed on.

and one day, you are going to find yourself again.

i didn't. i just didn't.

i didn't think i'd find the strength to be brave.

and even if i did, i didn't believe anyone would ever want to love me.

i figured, if i was lucky, i might end up married someday.

if. if i was lucky enough.

i remember all the times i cried myself to sleep, because i thought i'd be alone forever.

but i have learned that what i've lost in the past isn't going to effect my future. not anymore.

no matter how many friends i've lost, no matter how many friends have let me down and disappointed me and made me not want to love someone ever again, that's not how it's always going to be.

“everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water, and everyone you love is made of stardust, and i know sometimes you cannot even breathe deeply, and the night sky is no home, and you have cried yourself to sleep enough times that you are down to your last two percent, but nothing is infinite, not even loss. you are made of the sea and the stars, and one day you are going to find yourself again." 

 - finn butler -

when we are only truly afraid of the things that have already happened to us.

there is nothing more beautiful and wonderful and happy and all those feelings combined then being able to sit here and say i healed last week.

so much.

i told a friend some things about me. things i thought i had done wrong. he listened, and he didn't run away. he stayed. that was new for me. to have someone sit there, and stay.

but in the end, he said something i wasn't expecting. he said, "hannah, it isn't your fault. and you don't have to feel this burden anymore."

and it took days to believe that, because even i denied it for a while. but a week later, i've got the truth in one hand and the lies in the other. and every morning when i wake up i am proud to say i have been choosing the truth.

* * *

Satan played with my head for months over some things. told me these things were all my fault and i had screwed up big time. and i wasn't going to be forgiven for them. ever.

i felt so ashamed and had all this guilt weighing me down, i almost didn't make it. i really didn't. thoughts of ending it all began to slowly seep back in...

but at the end of my rope, God put someone in my life to give me a hand up.

and that hand up saved me. it really did.

things i'd been carrying around for months, blaming myself for, weren't even mine to bare.

that's what truth showed me.

today i understand what being vulnerable- and i mean completely laying your heart out there for someone to see fully- can do to a person. what it can do is heal a person.

when i told this friend everything, that in itself was scary. because, you see, i think that people really fear what has already happened to them. a lot of the time. and i fear losing someone again.

i fear trusting someone, believing in them, loving them, and then having them leave. that is what terrified me the most about being vulnerable with this new friend. someone i barely knew.

time and time again, someone gets to know me a little and then i don't hear much from them again. because i was too quiet. too reserved. and they didn't want to bother with me.

so when i met with this friend for coffee a week ago yesterday, i prepared myself for the worst. i prepared myself because i figured he wouldn't want to get together again.

but he did.

for the first time in my life, he did.

it didn't matter how quiet i was. he kept pulling me to get me to be brave. and i'm so glad he did. he didn't leave or walk out of that coffee shop. he didn't give up on me.

* * *

you know what is so much fun? to look back at three years ago. when i thought i would never mend. never move on from losing a friend. my only friend. i thought she would be my last.

but i can see now that she isn't. she won't be.

because of my newest friend, i'm going back to communities i left behind out of fear. out of fear of having a broken heart in the end.

but being broken is something i'm just going to have risk.

i don't know what the outcome of all of this will be. i don't.

but isn't that the point of being brave?

yeah, yeah i am pretty sure it is.

alright then. let's do this thing.

for all the years i asked myself, "could i move on?" now i can say, "yes, yes you can."

about this time four years ago, i wondered where life was going to take me next.

i wondered if i was losing my best friend.

a year or so later, i was pretty sure i had.

i spent all that time in between then and these last couple of days mourning that loss.

because in many ways, it was like a death.

no, my best friend didn't die. she simply went to middle school. she moved on. she made other friends. she became a different person.

but she was my only friend. and for the longest time, it felt like she had taken all of me with her. because forever after that, i couldn't find myself. i didn't know who i was anymore. and i thought becoming a hard-rocking goth would give me a new identity to believe in. but it didn't.

and because of her- after her- i refused to let anyone in.

for the longest time, i thought it was because i didn't want to have my heart broken again.

and i still believe that's the reason why, but i also think it was because i didn't want anyone replacing her.

and that is one thing i have learned this week. it's time to let people fill in her shoes. her role as best friend. but this time, i need many people filling in those shoes.

* * *

for the last little while, i began believing that only Jesus could own my heart. i thought maybe some day i would find myself a husband who could own it, too, but no one else besides them would ever touch my heart. no one was hurting me again. not like before. i just couldn't go through that again. i thought i just had to settle for never trusting anyone anymore. and i was beginning to believe that lie. it was becoming something i lived by every day. i was closing off my heart. building up high, high walls. pointless walls.

but as a new friend sat across the table from me last week over coffee, giving me a chance, i learned how wrong i was.

i have learned now that Jesus, He will always be first in my life. and He must be. but i can love again. i can have dear friends again. i can let someone love me again. and i can be okay again.

* * *

truth is, this journey of losing a friend and spending years feeling forgotten and alone were the roughest years i've been through thus far. they hurt me every single day. and not a day went by that i didn't think of her. didn't feel like my heart wasn't ripping at the seams.

but i'm ready to place that set of years on the shelf and stop looking back at them, wondering if they'll be okay up there. i'm ready to let something new come in and make me more free.

because during all those years i missed my friend, i hated myself, too.

and now that i am letting people in again, i'm learning to see the beauty in who God made me to be. i'm learning more about who He has made me to be. and what He's got planned for me. and how valuable and treasured i really am.

so i wouldn't have had all that i went through any other way.

and those are words i thought i could never say. in all the grief, they seemed impossible to even think of.

but He knew that thing, that big, terrible thing, would turn out to be beautiful and it would make me so much stronger. it would make me know who i am. it would force me to be alone, and to know who i am even when no one else is left to tell me i am wonderful.

because a smooth sea never made a very good sailor.

and i am glad the journey has been hard.

"then you will know the truth, 

and the truth will set you free." 

// john 8:32

james five sixteen.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. 

The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." 

on sunday, june 23rd of 2013, i took a brave step.

me and a friend set up a day to go and get coffee, and talk. just talk.

but i knew what we were gonna talk about, you see. this friend and i, we were gonna talk about me. and my life.

my life.

those two words say so much.

and i was scared, because i don't often known what people will think of my life. what they will think of me.

* * *

my life involves losing my one and only best friend. my life involves resentment and anger. my life involves self-loathing. my life involves insecurities. my life involves a whole lot of sin. a whole lot of shame and guilt. a whole lot of pain. a whole lot of trust issues. a whole lot of shoving people away. a whole lot of loneliness. a whole lot of depression.

but my life never involved the part where i told someone everything.

every part.

every bit. even the ugliest ones.

the parts never told before.

* * *

about five or so minutes early, i walked into a starbucks.

i sat down at a table close to the doors and sat down. hands shaking uncontrollably. i wrung them. i squeezed them till they were white. terrified of what was to come.

because what was to come was vulnerability. because a couple of days before, God told me to say everything. hold nothing back. be brave. take a jump. a leap of faith. and trust someone with all that i have. trust someone since my last best friend.

he said that to trust someone else was to trust Him.

i told Him i would, but that seemed moderately easy until the last twenty four hours or so before the day we would meet finally came. until i realized what was actually going to happen. what i would actually say. what was actually going to be said across the table.

* * *

when this friend finally walked in we said hi. we got drinks and we sat down. the whole time, i was terrified. absolutely terrified.

terrified of what he would think of me once it was all said and done.

the first thing he asked was where i was. how i was doing. what was going on.

i sat there, struggling to find the words. figure out where to start. because i knew it was time to tell the long, long story. the broken story that i was trying so desperately to find the beauty in.

but he started first. he saw the fear behind my eyes. he told me everything.

and it felt like a safe place. so that little by little, the tenseness went away. the nerves relaxed. and by the time his story was over, i could tell mine. and feel peace.

on june 27th, 2013, i said, "yes, Lord, i will be vulnerable with this heart. i will finally let someone in."

so i started at the beginning. i told him a lot. but would get to certain parts in the story and pause, wondering if i should tell him that part.

in the end, i pushed away the lies. the lies that said i was ugly. that i was unforgiven, and told him even the hardest, saddest, ugliest parts. i would tell him, and look at the ground. but by the end of the story, i could look him in the eyes. and there was no judgement there. there was no finger-pointing. only acceptance. only understanding.

and when it was all out there, i realized there was no going back. now someone knew it all. and i was scared of what that was going to mean from here on out. but he didn't act scared off. he didn't walk out of that coffee shop. he stayed.

i opened my soul. i let someone in.

and they stayed.

so all i have are words of gratitude today. because i'm sorry, but i just don't have anything else. all i've got is this:

thank You, Jesus, for putting someone here with me who wants to stick around.

thank You.

thank You.

thank You for a friend.

thank You for letting me walk out of that starbucks a free person.

because i no longer have to keep this burden to myself.

thank You.

thank You.

thank You.

You have blessed me beyond measure.

and You are always faithful.

and I love you, Lord.

thanks for being so good to me.

these layers that hurt. i'm gonna trust you with them. and i can only hope you don't run away, too // thanks, bro, for staying

listening to From Where You Are | Lifehouse

recently i spilled out pieces of my story to someone i don't know all that well.

it took everything. being vulnerable.

i bit my nails and my stomach turned to knots as i waited for him to respond through a facebook message. i waited to see how he'd react when he learned i once had these suicidal thoughts.

but he did respond. and i was surprised.

he had listened. he had understood.

he said he'd pray for me. he said he was there for me. that he had my back.

i guess i didn't expect him to take it that well.

because some people don't.

* * *

i spent the whole week after that thinking about how nice it'd be to find some real friends. meet some very real people.

people i could trust with everything. every part of my story, rather than just bits and pieces of it. the bits and pieces i know they could handle. the pieces that wouldn't freak them out too bad.

it was then that i thought, "this guy, he could be someone i could really be friends with."

i felt so blessed. so blessed i cried.

but then my mind and my heart started to wander to before. what all happened last time i trusted everything to one single person. and how when that person left, a part of me died. and i didn't ever want to trust people ever again. i discovered how fragile i actually was, and i didn't want to break. i didn't want to hurt anymore. i didn't want to look at these scars anymore. i loathed them. i resented all the people behind them. so i didn't want to risk the end of everything by loving someone again.

i made up my mind long ago never to trust a friend again.

* * *

so today i am asking myself the question, "could i trust again? and could i be okay with the fact that they may leave? but that it doesn't have to break my world in two next time?"

because what i am afraid of is the leaving part of the story. being rejected. feeling unwanted all over again.

truth is, i'm not yet okay with losing someone.

i really, really hate loss.

i really, really hate losing friends.

there are these layers of me that get peeled back every day. layers i often don't want to face.

layers that show me how insecure i still am.

layers that show me my sin.

layers that show how much healing still needs to be done.

layers that show me my fear of losing people. my fear of losing the love i thought was real and true and the love i thought would stick around. but didn't.

so for a long time, i just assumed don't ever get close to anyone again. because they could just as easily get taken away from you.

but i'm learning.

and when i picture in my mind these new people that i'm learning to trust, i picture them holding strings attached to my hands and legs, like a marionette. lifting the strings, making me do things i've never done before. showing me how to walk again. showing me how to be brave again. showing me what love really means. showing me how to love again.

and i am grateful.

i am so grateful.

grateful that they are giving me a chance. reaching out.

because that is true love, world.

love has come for me | this past will not enslave me.

for years i've always put too much emphasis on the process of getting down on my knees and confessing whatever it was i had done wrong.

i thought God was always so ashamed of me.

and i didn't think God was all that loving when i realized how sad i was. that i was depressed. cause i never thought it would me who'd end up like i had. that just wasn't supposed to happen to me.

then it did.

today my youth group was sharing some personal stories.

something was mentioned about forgiveness.

and then it clicked in my head.

i was forgiven long ago.

all these years of carrying around baggage was just me. me having it all slung over my shoulder. letting it hinder me from living my life. baring all the weight. and there was so much of it.

it was something so simple, but it has finally clicked, i think.

this is where i finally realize that i am forgiven. that i don't have to keep on being ashamed. that i can stand proud and say i'm okay.

because God says i'm okay.

i was forgiven a long time ago.

i've spent years trying to figure out how to get rid of the shame. i'd try and confess, but afterwards, i still felt ashamed and didn't understand why. so i just walked away.

and i think all along i had been forgiven. i just had never forgiven myself.

that's all it was.

God has already said, "it's okay. it's done. now heal."

i think He tried to tell me that so many times. but i didn't hear any of it because i took so much upon myself. too much.

 * * *

so who am i?

i am beautifully broken.

i want to keep changing.

i don't want to be enslaved by my past. both by what i did, and what people have done to me and what's happened to me.

cause so much has happened.

Dad had cancer.

i lost my best friend.

i struggled with depression and anxiety and insecurities. and still do. every single day. i'll look in the mirror most days and not see the beauty that God sees. i'll hate myself for worrying all the time. i'll wonder why i've been so sad before.

wonder why it's been me who's screwed up so much and so bad.

it's all brokeness.

but i can still see that love has come for me.

and it's knowing now, too, that i'm not the only one trying to forgive herself. there are others to, who've messed up just as bad as i have. and our sin is exactly the same. weighs exactly the same.

love has come for all of us.

so forgive yourself, beautiful. just let it go. you can let it go now. you're okay.

set yourself free.

let Him set you free.

goodbye, blue eyes. goodbye, sunshine.

listening to:  goodbye by avril lavigne

i recently decided to start really saying goodbye to relationships that didn't quite work out. that weren't meant to be. and if they were meant to, well then they weren't meant to be for as long as i had hoped. so i was shocked when they didn't. didn't end happily.

i lost my best friend.

i've also lost a boy or two.

and i've been losing people lately who don't accept me anymore.

all really amazing people who i thought would stick around, but didn't. and when they didn't, my heart got broken over seeing them walk away without even saying goodbye.

so now, after years and years of lingering around in the pain and trying- but not really succeeding- to heal, i'm learning what it means to pack my own bags. and start taking real steps forward.

real steps away from missing them.

real steps away from wanting them back.

real steps away from crying.

real steps away from hurting at the mention of their names.

especially hers.

especially my oldest friend's name.

* * *

sometimes people get frustrated with me. say i've held on for too long. ask me why i miss my old friend like i do.

well i miss knowing someone like i knew her.

i miss knowing everything about someone like i knew everything about her.

and it bothers me, even now, that i wouldn't know the girl she is today. that i've missed out on three years of her life. that makes me saddest, i guess.

it makes me sad when it really sinks in that we won't be in each others lives ever again. because for years, we had planned on our children being the best of friends. and now i think it's finally sinking in that that just isn't going to happen. it just can't. and it won't ever.

i miss feeling freedom like that around someone. complete freedom and acceptance. when i was a bit of a tomboy, she loved that about me. we were the girls who ran around without makeup and went fishing every friday in the summer. i miss that. i miss those times. and i remember them all. i've relived them since she left so many times so that i would never forget. because forgetting used to scare me so bad. it still does sometimes. i wanted to know them- the memories- so well that i could paint a perfect picture on a canvas. so that there would never be a chance of forgetting.

but one thing i miss most is what life felt like back when we were friends.

i miss the world where there was no pain. when i was younger and didn't have any of these insecurities or worries or real problems. when i didn't know what real pain felt like.

i miss playing barbies with her.

i miss hearing her laugh and seeing her crooked smile with those blue and green braces.

i miss her, i guess.

she was a tomboy and an adventurer and creative and wonderful.

and all of that is what i'm trying hard, deep down, to let go of. wrestling with myself in knowing what is best for me, but also what hurts to let go of.

i never would have guessed back then that all this could have happened.

that i would have to lose her.

that my heart would snap in two so easily.

after that, it made me want to lock everything away and never be vulnerable again. keep it simple. keep it safe.

* * *

i remember flying home from haiti. and thinking about my oldest friend.

i remember wondering about the person i'd be if she was still here. if we were still pals.

i can't be sure of much, but i do know i'd still be clingy.

and honestly, she probably wouldn't approve of the girl i am today.

but since, bravery has done amazing things to me.

bravery sent me to haiti.

bravery made me aspire to being a professional ballerina and a musician and a singer.

bravery made me try new things.

bravery made me not be so legalistic.

bravery got me to step out of each one of my wide boxes. one step at a time.

and it still is.

i don't think i'd be nearly as brave if we were still friends.

so on a plane back from haiti, i remember thinking about her.

it's true, i do miss her.

and i don't want to feel ashamed or sorry for missing her. i lost my best friend. it's normal to miss that. anyone would.

but it's been three years, and i think it's time.

i think i'm ready.

i've got a good, safe place to go to now when the road gets hard and i try to move on. i've got better people in my life and i've got a pretty good idea of who i am now.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i've got many homes now.

i've got a home in God, first and foremost.

i've got a home in so many new friends.

i've got a home in my family.

and i've got this home in knowing that my worth and my beauty never came from a best friend in the first place. i was wonderful with her, and i am wonderful even now. without her. wiser. and stronger. alright to walk the world alone, if i have to. i've got God now.

that's what has changed the most in three years. that is the one thing i am most proud of.

choosing to move,

hannah

when the line is fine. and hardest to walk on. still you must be brave, and run.

lately i've been riding the dividing line between being the friend and enemy of some people. people i guess i thought would be the ones to stick around. but once i changed my mind and made myself a name, i don't think they were expecting such a big change. i don't think they were at all sure how to handle me. and right now, it just feels like they've decided to hit the road and turn their noses up at me.

there are days when i'm sad about it. when all i want back is them. those special, bright people. and i cry, because i miss what used to be.

there are days i'm so angry i'd like to throw a punch. i'd like to scream. i'd like to leave them behind and let them see how it feels. judge them. see how it all feels. just be done. cause sometimes, i really don't know how much more judgement i can take.

there are days when i want to forgive. and days when i don't.

days when i call them my enemies. days when i call them my friends.

and days, like today, where i am trying to find that place in between. not hate them, but not give them every piece of my heart, either.

because i know that until they can change- if they decide to change- until they can open up their eyes, i can't do anything. i can only sit back and pray that they come around. see that i do what i do for myself. that i became who i am today because i am choosing to follow God's plan for my life. trying to figure things out and becoming something new. something better than i was before.

i'm not rebelling against these people, i'm rebelling against normal. and what the world would like me to be. i'm rebelling against suffocating to death underneath all the legalistic expectations. i'm becoming my own person. i'm trying to be brave and take more leaps of faith more often.

the reason i cry these days is because it hurts to have loved ones turn against you. the ones you thought you could trust with everything. and when you find out you can't, then nothing feels stable. everything feels like it could come crashing down at any time. any moment. any second. and everything you worked so hard to build up for yourself could get taken away.

and you wonder if you should just wait to become your own person until you're free some day.

but if i've learned something recently, it's that i can't keep waiting.

because i could die tomorrow.

i really could.

and don't want to waste time dreaming about the day when i would be free. i want to be free today. right now. and look forward to tomorrow morning because i'll be free, then, too. do things without worrying about what people will say or think... or do. what i could lose for being me.

i'm sure that can sound like i'm a loose cannon, that i'm throwing away everything, but i'm not. if you knew me for my whole life, you'd know how reserved i was. how quiet i was because i was afraid i'd say something and people would laugh at me. make fun of me. how afraid i was of being in real relationships.

i was so afraid of screwing up.

and i still am.

so now it is time for me to be okay with people thinking i'm screwing up. i know i'm not. i know that painting my nails black and being in a rock band and wanting tattoos someday isn't sinful. and i can't keep living to please people. i have to live to please God and myself. i have to live, and be happy. holding nothing back.

* * *

so lately has meant trying to forgive, without letting myself latch onto the same people again. without letting myself believe that they are gonna be good friends from now on. i need to start to separate myself little by little.

i need people who are going to support me in becoming me. support my dreams. support my individuality. because that's all i'm trying to be. me. myself. and i. that's all. i don't expect people to agree with me, just not put what i love and have chosen for myself down. because that cuts me all up inside. they have no idea how much it really does hurt.

that's when my heart hardens and i can't keep from labeling them as the enemy. i'm trying to forgive, or wanting to, and then they push me to the ground. and when i have a hard time getting back up, that's when it feels like it's going to be a thousand years until i can let go and move on. forgive them for thinking i'm a worse sinner than they are.

because some days i want them to stay.
others i simply don't.

i'm trying to love. i'm trying to help heal these people's wounds and support them and give them words to help them up off the ground. i'm trying to laugh with them. but that's hard to do when they aren't helping me along this road. this shaky, shaky road. when, repeatedly, i get shoved to the dirt. with words. with looks that kill.

some days i want to forgive.
others i don't.

i'm riding the dividing line and i'm learning to place the unhealthy relationships outside my life.

the thing is, last time i did that, i ended up with a very broken heart and a stack of years to spend evaluating how i was going to ever heal. how i was ever gonna let go.

but this time, i want to be able to move on and be okay when the deed is done.

i don't want to spend years wondering if i did the right thing or mourning over the loss.

i want to not be afraid to walk this road by myself. without people, i mean. because i've got God. and He is showing me how even when people disappoint, He never will. He really never will do what people will do.

He's showing me i need to be confidant without people to tell me i should be. that i need to know i'm beautiful- inside and out- without people telling me i am. that what i love is beautiful. that the black nail polish is beautiful. that the dreams of tattoos and piercings are beautiful. that the skinny jeans are beautiful. that the rock band is beautiful. because i am beautiful. and because my heart is figuring out how to shine brighter through what i love.

and i am learning to love and accept bravery.

He's held on. and He's never let go.

lately has meant letting go.

letting go of what i want. letting go of what people think of me. letting go of relationships. letting go of staying comfortable.

----------------------------

i've been wanting to be normal some days. just put a quick and easy end to all the stares i get. i want to be honest in saying that throwing away my individuality has been a great temptation before. but in the end, it's always worth it. sure, this thing has cost me relationships and dreams and plans for the future. it's meant giving up a lot that i loved, but it's also meant replacing those things with something or someone much more worthwhile. things and people more beautiful. things and people that will grow me, stretch me, in the ways i need to be. things and people that will have a positive impact. not a negative one.

---------------------------- 

time and time again i used to let my shoulders fall forward when i would feel this doubt inside me. doubt that comes from people looking me up and down and turning up their noses. it hurts. i spent the better part of my life seeking desperately for the approval of people, so now it's something entirely foreign to me to turn that all around. it's good, but it's still hard.

lately has meant that even when people stand there and say i'm a mess, i must still throw my shoulders back and keep on walking. put them out of my head, because their opinions don't matter. and just keep walking.

it's meant pursuing my dreams and passions even when others won't understand them.

even the people i thought would always be here for me haven't been recently. when you change, it's definitely a good test for those you love. to see who's gonna stick around. be loyal. stay with you through it all. coming out as someone really different gave me a brand new set of eyes as to who my real friends were.

----------------------------  

letting go of relationships.

well.

where do i start?

it starts with a boy, and ends with a boy. in between there are a lot of other people. but he's the one on my heart a lot. he was the first one i really fell in love with. then after he broke my heart, i let myself fall for some other ones. i was weak, and i had my head and heart up in the clouds.

i spent a lot of time joking around about how i had three crushes at once, but in the end, it really was sad. i panicked. i just wanted to be loved. and i wasn't letting God fill up those empty spaces in my heart.

but in between the time of letting go of boys, i have been learning. and seeing who's real. who still loves me amidst the changes. the drastic changes. and like i said before, i'm surprised in the end by who's leaving and who's staying. it's been incredible. as heartbreaking as it has been to see the ones i thought would stay end up going, new relationships have covered up the old ones and filled me up in new ways.

so i'd like to talk about someone.

i'd like to talk about a really wonderful person named Anna.

Anna is in my band. she's the founder.

i remember our first meeting. i was so nervous. i wanted this thing to work out perfectly, but i just couldn't see it happening. no one seemed to like me anymore. since i'd changed. so i didn't have a lot of hope.

but she laughed with me. she laughed at all the stupid little things i would say. she understood the things that matter to me, and didn't see it as stupid to love them too much. she expresses herself like i do. she's struggled with being judged, like i do. she's passionate about music, like i am. she's got big dreams, like i do. she's hilarious. she's so sweet. she's so much fun to be around. i love this girl more than i can say.

and guess what? i've only met with her two times.

it's amazing to me how God can bring together two people and know why they need to be together. in the midst of all this sadness, in the midst of all the loss, God gave me Anna. she has been such a blessing in my life. to know that i am not alone. that i'm not weird. that i need to be me. that the real me is better than anyone else i could ever try to be. when i'm around her, i feel relaxed because i know there's no judgement. that she's going to appreciate my dreams.

----------------------------

in letting go of staying cozy and warm and comfortable, i have learned that i have not been growing. and that i probably won't be the hardcore rocker that i am today forever. i will change, and i hope to always be changing. changing into something more and more real. becoming more genuine every day of my life.

i was getting too settled. and i wasn't particularly happy with things. so once i realized i needed to change things up a bit, joy found it's way back in again. new ideas and new dreams and new energy came back. new faith.

just like before.

it got to a point by the end of last week where my motive behind dressing like i do wasn't where it used to be. where it needs to be. instead of me being me, it was more like "this is who i am! hate me! judge me! i dare you!" that sort of thing. an, "in your face" sort of thing. and i don't want it to be like that.

recently i'd been just kind of sitting in the same position. still angry at a lot of people. still trying to heal, but not really succeeding.

so as scary as it has been giving change a try, it's really only made things much better.

i was so scared to let go of people i have loved. like i was scared to try looking like a punk rocker all those months ago. i wasn't sure how it would all work out, but it did. it hasn't been easy, but it did work out. and i'm so much happier because of it. and my relationship with God is so much better off because of it.

i think that most people are scared of change in general. sometimes change can be extremely painful. believe me, letting go of a friendship and a boy or two has been hard. harder than i thought it'd be. but i'm learning to be okay. be okay without those people in my life. be able to be happy for them. because they have lives of their own to live, and i'm learning to live mine full out. not looking backwards, but always forward.

not lingering, not holding back, but running. running straight forward with a shield in hand. ready to take on whatever comes my way. not in hate, but in knowing that i am doing what i was made to be doing. all along.

because there are no words for Real Love.

i've spent the last year trying to tell myself i'm okay.

that i'm okay without friends.

that even without friends, i would still have worth.

i have friends now, but i have been trying to know my own value even if they weren't around. because i don't want to get lost again.

for seven years of my life i believed the lie that there was nothing special about me without my one and only best friend.

so now i'm trying to undo all of that. i'm trying to grow security in myself before i let love back in again.

which sounds weird. even to me. it probably sounds like i'm trying to close myself off from the world. but i'm not.

i'm simply trying to be content with being alone. knowing that i am beautiful and smart and special and wonderful to God, even without people to tell me i am.

because for a long time, i got sucked into unhealthy relationships. relationships that were pointless. relationships that appeared to have a lot of love involved. a whole lot of heart.

but they really didn't.

so when those relationships were gone, i was gone too.

* * *

when i stepped on the plane that would take me to haiti, i was ready. i was nervous, and i was shaking and didn't know what i was getting myself into, but at the same time i was glad.

i was glad to be getting away. taking a break to separate myself from this world and take myself away to an unfamiliar one. a place to sort out my thoughts. a place where there would be no attachments made. where i could just stop "feeling" for a while.

well if i ever thought i could go to haiti and not feel a thing, than that is the biggest lie my heart has ever believed. and my heart's believed a lot of lies over the years.

but i wanted to get away from all the pain that comes from losing a friend.

and in a way, i did.

when i went to haiti, i never thought of her once. i never missed her. i was never reminded of her. i was so distracted by all the work we did every day. but i was also distracted by a new kind of love that i had never experience before.

* * *

i've spent the last three years hiding myself away from being too vulnerable. because if i was vulnerable, i might have my heart broken again. and i didn't know how much more my heart could take on. i thought that if one more thing came along to hurt me, my heart might break into a million tiny pieces. they would shatter and spread across the floor. they would be pieces i could never find. i might scramble to try and find them, but i probably wouldn't ever get them back. so if i got hurt again, i couldn't guarantee my heart would get repaired.

so i wasn't taking any more chances with love. i was done.

but from the moment i set foot on haitian soil, i felt like with my team it was a "we're in this together" sort of thing. i felt cared for. not just because we all had to look out for each other, but i really felt loved. like i would be missed if something happened to me.  
and that is something my heart hasn't felt in a long time.

on the first day of work there, the day after we arrived in haiti, i got sick.

really, really sick.

i remember curling up in a ball on my bed and not wanting to move. i didn't want to eat. i didn't want to talk. i just wanted to lay there. and we had to leave for work in less than an hour.

thanks to God, i recovered just before we had to go. turns out the sickness was just a bad reaction to some medication i was taking.

i remember going from my hotel room to the dining room where we all had breakfast every morning. my whole team was down there.

i remember some of them hugged me, asked me how i was feeling. seeing the relief on their faces when i told them i was alright.

and i can't tell you how loved i felt then. it sounds stupid, i'm sure. but they made me feel something i hadn't felt before. to know that someone was concerned for me. worried about me.

* * *

i remember before we left for haiti, we all sat down at my church for the final meeting. my team and i. i remember our team leader handing us each a small booklet type thing, filled with "discussion questions". my heart flipped. i had no idea we were doing small groups in haiti! this meant i was going to end up spilling my guts to a bunch of adults. adults i barely knew. i wasn't even sure of all their names. now i was really dreading the trip. i couldn't sleep that night.

well our first night together in haiti came. my small group met together at a long rectangular table beside the hotel's pool. i was shaking like there was no tomorrow. so freaked out. so scared. so afraid of being vulnerable.

our group's leader started asking some of the questions. we all went around the table. even simple questions that weren't asking much of me were putting me under so much stress.

when questions would finally get to me, i would look down at my feet. talk quiet. wouldn't make any eye contact whatsoever.

but each night, bit by bit, little by little, i would look farther up from my feet. i would look into the eyes of someone sitting across from me. i would share parts of my heart. i would open up. my muscles would become less tense, and more relaxed. i would laugh with them. i would tear up with them.

and by the time our final night came, i sobbed all the way back to my hotel room. i didn't want to leave them. we had held hands when we prayed, and i didn't want to let go when it was all finished. i didn't want to go back home. i wanted to stay there.

later people would ask me if i felt relieved to be back home. back home in the states. but honestly, i would say no. because i still feel the restless need to go back.

i could talk for hours about how cared for i felt in haiti. for that entire trip. by everyone. by each and every member of my haiti family. because that's what they are now. they are my family. i look at them like my brothers and sisters and moms and dads. they've helped me in more ways than they could possibly imagine.

they've given me hope. they gave me a glimpse at what real love looks like. and if i could tell them each something i probably wouldn't be brave enough to say out loud, i would say "thanks for giving me a chance."

my fam and i doing "The Twist" at the airport on the way home. yes, yes that's me, your awkward author in the front.

because the night can only last for so long.

listening to: the sun is rising by britt nicole

these last couple weeks i've gone through so, so much.

the most i've been through since the depression.

i've been working on defining relationships. figuring out what they mean to me. who's gonna really stick around and fight the battles with me. seeing who's here to stay.

i've been working on letting go and moving on from friendships. and from a boy. figuring out what it means to think of them and not be sad. because even now, that still seems so impossible to be able to do someday. but i know it can be done. i've just got to keep on fighting to see the results that only come from pulling through.

i've been working on letting more people in. letting the girl that shines on this blog shine in real life, too. put my heart on the line more often. and thus far, nothing but good has come from it.

when i say the words, "i was depressed once, and i almost gave up" i always sort of cringe and wait to see what people will say. so much anxiety and fear comes from wondering what they'll think of me, now that they know my deep dark secret. but so far, i've been proven wrong. anyone who's heard my story has been able to relate in some way, whether it be the part about believing lies, or being depressed, or feeling insecure. and through hearing about who i really am, they begin to see me as someone different. see me in a different light. people who once saw me as a quiet, homeschooled girl who didn't do much thinking for herself are always surprised to find i actually have a beating heart. that's experienced quite a lot. a lot of pain, but pain that has made me into a better person.

and that's another thing.

lately i've been trying to see where all this pain has transformed old hannah into new hannah. and i do see it. i can see it, identify it, in every part of this story. but still, it's been hard understanding why it had to be some of those things to bring me here, where i am now. i am glad God chose what He chose to use, but still i wonder.

i wonder why it had to be my dad that got the cancer. why it had to be my very best friend that left. why it had to be me that had scoliosis- a crooked spine- and then wear a brace that made me hate who i was and doubt my worth.

it's taken forever to figure out why God used those things. why such big things. such massive parts of my life. things i always said i wouldn't be able to live without.

but sometimes i over think. and all it is, in the end, is that those were the things that He knew would shake up this heart enough to turn away for a period of time. three years. three long years of feeling hurt and abandoned by the God who said He would always be there.

well He was there. it just took me a while to find Him.

* * *

i feel like lately there's been a storm cloud over everything i write. and i don't want people thinking i'm still depressed. i struggle with it, of course. every day, i have to fight it. fight off the lies. it never completely goes away. but people need to know that i really am a very happy person.

and life hasn't been all bad lately.

i've learned a lot as i've experienced a lot.

so i wouldn't take back any of it.

as dark as the places i have been were, i've only grown from them. i wouldn't want them to have been made any brighter. that would defeat the purpose of escaping from the darkness all along.

so yes, my heart has been breaking a lot lately. but it's also been mending just as much.

i am choosing to let it break seven times, but still pick up the pieces and let it heal eight.

don't worry about me, but i would ask that you pray for me.

i am fighting a hard battle, all the time.

and i know that each one of my readers is, too. so even when i'm not around here, writing, i do pray for you all. you're always in my thoughts and i hope everything is well with each of you.

but as i've been off and on from blogging, the time away has been well spent. none of it's been pointless. it's been spent working on sewing patches over the holes in this heart. and i hope that sometime, i can show you each of those patches and tell you about them individually. why the holes they cover up are there. not be ashamed of the holes. but show you how to stitch up your own.

but in the mean time, i love you all.

as always, don't give up and keep on pushing through it all. you're not alone on this journey, love.

choosing joy.

hannah

to let go is a hard hard thing, but it can be done. it will be done by you and i, and we'll come out alive.

recently i got to thinking.

i got to thinking about how the better part of these last couple years have been geared toward letting go and moving on, for me.

letting go of fear.

letting go of insecurities.

letting go of the depression.

letting go of thinking there was no way out of depression.

letting go of the lie that said my life had no purpose.

letting go of resentment.

letting go of a boy.

letting go of trying to fit in.

letting go of my best friend.

i had never gone through a real mourning process before in my life, until i lost a friend. my dearest friend.

i had lost grandparents and great grandparents before. and a long time ago, one friend had moved away.

but this was different.

this was something else entirely.

this was something new.

this was much, much harder.

and much, much darker.

this time, it was like the whole world had been set on fire and I was somehow expected to escape the flames. it felt like there was no way out. like there was no way of escaping the sadness that surrounded me everywhere i looked. that sadness was the flames. this was the kind of sadness that makes you actually, physically hurt. it's a kind of hurt that's somewhere deep inside the depths of your chest. and you can't get rid of it. you try and try, but it never wants to go away. the pain and the hurt and the anger and the realization of what you've just lost sticks around for so long.

and when days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months and then those months turn into years, you begin to wonder if you'll ever heal. you wonder if you'll ever get rescued. you wonder if this is how life is going to be from now on. if this kind of pain is going to make up the new you. because you aren't the same person you were before. and i had made up my mind that if this was how things were going to be, just plain painful all the time, then i wasn't going to stick around much longer.

it was becoming almost unbearable.

* * *

the days after my friend and i went our separate ways, i remember looking around my room and suffocating underneath the framed pictures hanging on every wall. all pictures of us.

us.

us smiling.

us laughing.

us hugging.

her.

and me.

thinking that she was all i had.

thinking that if she was gone, i was gone.

and sure enough, she was gone.

and i had nothing left to live for.

with shaking hands, i took the photos down. one by one.
i don't believe any kid should have to do that. ever.

i remember throwing the pictures in the trash. people would try to convince me to keep them and just hide them away until the wounds healed over and it didn't hurt so much to think of her, or look at a photo of her cheek pressed up against mine, but i knew that day would never- could never- come. not for me. maybe it could happen for other people, but i had loved this friend too much. too much to ever even begin to heal from losing her.

i had lost a friend.

no, i hadn't just lost a friend.

i had lost my best friend.

my only friend.

and with that friend, i lost all that used to make up me.

* * *

a couple of months ago, i was adding to my keepsake box. hadn't got into that box for months and months.

i lifted the lid.

on the very top was a stack of cards.

birthday cards from my old friend.

couple page letters of how she knew we would "grow old together." how she wanted me to be her maid of honor someday. how i would be her children's godmother...

when i read the letters, all of her words were just a blur through my eyes. when i read them, all i kept hearing repeated through my head was, "look what you have lost, hannah. look what's never coming back."

i remember picking up one of the letters and ripping it into tiny pieces. i wanted to do that to all of them. and then i wanted to burn each tiny, individual piece of paper. i didn't want anything left of her around. it hurt way too much. i didn't want to think of her anymore, but even years later, she was always in the back of my mind. always reminding me what i had lost. it didn't matter if i her picture was on the wall or not, because i was always still thinking of her. i was still carrying around that burden of emptiness.

i was so sick of thinking of her. so sick of trying to forget and move on, but failing and losing the fight every time i tried.

i was so sick of people telling me i would eventually move on, someday. well when would someday come? i couldn't wait much longer. some tried to push me along too fast or too hard. but i knew nothing could be done to repair this heart.

but when i think about it now, deep down i don't think i really ever wanted to heal, because back then i thought healing would mean forgetting. and i didn't want to forget. i wasn't ready to let her go. i wasn't ready to let my world go, since she was the one who had always made up my world. i needed to find another way to survive again. because at the time, i was barely breathing.

* * *

sometimes i wonder about who i would be today if she had never left. i'm sure i'd just be an older version of the same clingy friend who didn't know where her value truly came from. who didn't know that even when it was time for the friend to go, there would be this completely amazing God who would remain. who would come along and fill in the gap. who was meant to fill in that gap all along.

sometimes i wonder if i was given a chance to do it all over again, if i would change a single thing. and there are days when i would say i would. go back and do it all over. when all i would want was to go running back to her. i would have mended everything between us. i would have kept her around. but those are the hard days, when i think like that.

but on the good days, which are most days now, i wouldn't want any part of the journey changed. because this journey has molded me into something more genuine.

i do wonder sometimes if we met in the street, if she would be able to see the different person that i am. that i have become because of what had to happen.

and i'm sure she's changed because of this, too.

sometimes i wonder if she thinks of me. if she ever misses me.

i'll be honest, sometimes i'm not done missing her.

or i'll wonder if she wants things to be like they were all those years ago.

if she'd like to see us taking pictures together now, in highschool. pictures i guess we both thought we would take someday, cheek to cheek. side by side. arms around each other's shoulders.

but i realize now that although the giving her up has been one of the most painful things i've had to do this far, i've come to realize, too, that we weren't ever meant to take those pictures. and we won't ever take them.

and that's okay. it is. because gradually, day by day, i am becoming more and more alright with it all as i learn to see how God was doing what He saw was best for me. for her. for the both of us.

as i begin to erase old lies and write new truths across and around my heart, i am seeing how it will be more okay someday. i catch glimpses of it every now and then that show me i'll make it out alive. when it's all done, i want to have the current wounds, the opened up cuts and scrapes nothing but scars to show people. i want to have them to be able to say, "look where i've been. i've been hurt, too. so no, you're not alone."

* * *

letting go hurts.

it takes your heart and twists it hard. but not hard enough to break it. you just linger around in the pain for awhile. waiting for it to end sometime, anytime. but it feels like the end will never come.

it does, though.

it is coming, for me.

i'd be lying if i said letting go was easy. but it can be done.

it is being done, today. by me and by other people like me.

i am always doing it, bit by bit. so i know that i'll come out alive. each day, working with God to peel back another layer of the story, and where there is hurt, to heal.

i don't think anyone can ever master the art of letting go.

but you don't have to be particularly good at something to be able to do it.

and i have found that i can do it.

and if i could ever do something like that, then i know you can, too. because i was the girl who thought she could never let go of anything. but i have learned how to gradually let go of someone. and this time around, refill the empty hole with someone who will stick around.

i'm learning to let that someone be God. because He is the only thing i could ever be one hundred percent sure of. ever.

(learning how to) choose joy always,
hannah