Sunday, June 23, 2013

tentatively brave, but brave nonetheless.

listening to: 
(brick by boring brick){paramore}
(never gone){colton dixon}

i've spent the last week working through so many feelings. and thoughts. and working on where i stood.

how i was going to overcome some sin.

how i was going to forgive.

how i was going to let go.

but mostly, how i was going to move forward from all these places.

including a fairly recent place called lonely.

* * *

this fairly recent place recently started to change. it is now about me and about some people. new people. people to learn to trust. these people have reached out to me, but even for as much as i have wanted this, i am still too afraid to cling to their hands and let them help me up.

i still struggle with trust.

i still don't know what it is to lay it all out on the line and share even my darkest places with someone. because i've never done that before. it's always just looked too scary. like there was far too much to lose. i've never looked at what was to gain before. what was to gain from letting myself unfold in front of someone.

i want that, but i've still been too afraid to let it happen.

last week i was asked to get together with one of these new people, and just talk.

i put it off for a week simply because of fear.

because i was terrified of being vulnerable and what could happen if i went there.

* * *

if i have learned one thing about bravery, it is that it is never comfortable.

that's the thing about being brave, you see.

i guess i always thought it would come easy, or something. i thought being brave would feel wonderful and amazing in the midst of it all. but it never has. not once. the end results are always what i wanted, but the choice to be brave and just do it is what keeps me on the fence. wondering if it's safe to jump or not. i have this person at the bottom saying they'll catch me, but i'm left standing there, worrying about the worst. which is that they might not catch me. because in the past, no one ever had.

but here is the thing.

i am learning that even if they don't, the fall and the experience that comes from that fall is going to be worth it. i will learn so much if i just let myself fall forward a little, and be brave.

because i don't consider myself to be a very brave person.

but i want to be.

and i believe these are the baby steps toward what i want most.

and that is to love again. to trust someone with it all- a human being, i mean, because i trust God completely now. but not people. not quite yet. and i think this is how i'm going to start putting the pieces of a shattered community back together. a shattered heart, back together.

i think i'm going to trust again.

and you have no idea how happy and excited that makes this heart.

after all, this is my Year of Action. and to go into action requires movement. so this is me moving from alone, to comforted. surrounded. going out- seeking out- people and real relationships.


so hello, community. it's real nice to meet you.

1 comment:

Sierra said...

You ARE so brave Hannah. I'll be praying that everything goes well...that you will be caught and you won't be bruised and battered by the fall. You are so talented with your writing, God is going to DO something with YOU!!! God bless and have a wonderful, strong, empowering week of brave baby steps girl!

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