i've sat here, in this exact same place, staring at a blank place to write a post, for a long time.
wanting to write certain things, fill up the blank places of this blog left uncolored, but the thought of it just hurts too much. is simply too terrifying.
so that's when i'd leave the page. close the browser. and leave the subject alone. leave that hidden corner of this blog left empty. leave a story untold.
because there's always been the subject of the things i've done.
because there are things i've left untouched- unmentioned- because of the shame. and the guilt. and the thought of what people would say.
i didn't want anyone to know for the longest time.
today, i still don't.
* * *
you see, time and time again i've wanted to write about sin.
because i think that too many people keep secrets all their life, because of shame. because of the shame of what they did.
and now i think must write, some day, about what i've done.
i must be vulnerable.
i must be brave.
put myself out there.
but the thing is, i'm not ready.
i'm not ready to unfold that layer quite yet.
but i want to get there.
and i will.
i know i will.
i'm getting closer and closer every day.
i'll peel up the layer a little bit, and think of what it might look like here, written across the screen.
but right now, it's just too soon. it's still to painful. and i'm still learning to forgive myself.
* * *
some people say i'm an introvert.
some people say i'm an extrovert.
but in the end, it depends entirely upon who that person is. if i'm comfortable around them or not.
and what i'm learning these days is that whether i'm comfortable with someone or not, i still must let my heart show.
because every one of us is fighting a hard battle.
every one of us needs to know they aren't alone.
that they are still wanted, even after all they ever did.
and i'm still learning that for myself. i still need to know it and write it all across my heart.
so some day.
one of these days even the last fragments of guilt will get picked up and thrown away. become long gone.
that's when i'll come forth with more.
but until then, you can know that nothing could shock me. and nothing will ever shock me.
whatever you did, it weighs the same as what i did. exactly the same, precious one.
and you and i, we're both beloved.
and you and i? we're both gonna be okay.