been listening to:: what if we were real | by Mandisa
- packing for germany. i'm one of those weird sickos that finds it fun- yes, actually fun- to organize suitcases. it's my groove thang. don't judge.
- reflecting on this whole last year. last year before school started, i made up my mind to aspire to being a professional ballerina someday. i knew it would be hard. i knew it was going to involve me growing up a lot faster. making sacrifices. working physically harder than i had ever worked before. and it has. but when i first decided what i wanted, i didn't want to tell my dance teachers. i'd be a jerk and a big fat liar if i said i was at the top of my class back then. no. heck. no. just no. i was pretty bad. so i didn't want to tell my teachers what i wanted because i thought they'd say i couldn't do it. because i simply wasn't good enough. i wanted to wait to tell them when i was better. but, in the end, my mom and i told one of my teachers together. i've had her since i was four or five. and she surprised me.
she told me to go for it.
so i have spent the whole year "going for it".
and it was a good year. a hard year, but a good year.
i became a different person.
at the start of the school year, i wanted to look like a goth. so i did. i became that person.
i lost some dear friends over it. and it broke my heart. they judged me for my outer appearance. they didn't look at what was in my heart anymore.
i slipped back into depression.
i was angry, and i was hurt.
then some things happened to make me feel a fresh burden of shame and guilt. things i later learned i didn't need to feel. i had been believing lies for months. and it was all so crippling, i almost decided to end my life.
and that's another thing, i made a really amazing friend. someone i knew, but not really. i had known of him for three, almost four years. but things changed when i was at the end of my rope and needed someone to talk to. which was big for me. i hadn't trusted anyone in a long time. out of fear that they might leave. or that they might get to know me, and then run off in the other direction. which terrified me either way. so i just didn't want to try to make friends anymore. i was settling for being alone.
but i was so weighed down by everything collapsing around me that i decided to be brave. and thus far, this person had seemed pretty trustworthy.
so we met for coffee.
and. you know. he's pretty popular here on the blog.
he's the one i made the painting for.
and he's the best.
and i feel so blessed to call him my friend.
he doesn't judge. he listens.
so after i met him, i mean really met him, got to know him, things started to change.
i prayed for the first time in a long time.
and God showed me what i needed to do next.
the next thing to do was change. the outside of me.
that was when i stopped with my gothic fling. that was when i set it to the side, and said goodbye to it. it was time to move somewhere else. figure out who i was all over again.
i figured out who was real in my life. i mean who was going to stay. and be real with me.
i learned what it means to give someone grace. real and true grace. what it means to forgive. and i am by no means done forgiving. but it's getting better. it's getting better every day.
the most recent thing was a sudden panic.
when i realized i had someone coming back in again, that i was letting someone back in again, i panicked.
i didn't want to relive what happened before.
so i wondered.
i questioned the meaning of community.
that's how much losing someone stills terrifies me.
because i remember the pain.
and how long it took before- how long it is still taking- to move on.
but here's the thing.
moving on from this thing is becoming easier.
i don't really know how God's doing it, i just know that my heart is becoming more and more okay with accepting that my oldest friend isn't going to be my friend anymore. she hasn't been for a long time, but i couldn't admit that for a long time, either.
now i can.
* * *
so it's been a year since all this newer craziness started up.
it's been a roller coaster.
a crazy mess, but a beautiful mess nonetheless.
there was hurt, yes, but there has also been new healing. slow healing, but it's still healing.
and healing is making me stronger.