Thursday, June 27, 2013

james five sixteen.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. 
The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." 

on sunday, june 23rd of 2013, i took a brave step.

me and a friend set up a day to go and get coffee, and talk. just talk.

but i knew what we were gonna talk about, you see. this friend and i, we were gonna talk about me. and my life.

my life.

those two words say so much.

and i was scared, because i don't often known what people will think of my life. what they will think of me.

* * *

my life involves losing my one and only best friend. my life involves resentment and anger. my life involves self-loathing. my life involves insecurities. my life involves a whole lot of sin. a whole lot of shame and guilt. a whole lot of pain. a whole lot of trust issues. a whole lot of shoving people away. a whole lot of loneliness. a whole lot of depression.

but my life never involved the part where i told someone everything.

every part.

every bit. even the ugliest ones.

the parts never told before.

* * *

about five or so minutes early, i walked into a starbucks.

i sat down at a table close to the doors and sat down. hands shaking uncontrollably. i wrung them. i squeezed them till they were white. terrified of what was to come.

because what was to come was vulnerability. because a couple of days before, God told me to say everything. hold nothing back. be brave. take a jump. a leap of faith. and trust someone with all that i have. trust someone since my last best friend.

he said that to trust someone else was to trust Him.

i told Him i would, but that seemed moderately easy until the last twenty four hours or so before the day we would meet finally came. until i realized what was actually going to happen. what i would actually say. what was actually going to be said across the table.

* * *

when this friend finally walked in we said hi. we got drinks and we sat down. the whole time, i was terrified. absolutely terrified.

terrified of what he would think of me once it was all said and done.

the first thing he asked was where i was. how i was doing. what was going on.

i sat there, struggling to find the words. figure out where to start. because i knew it was time to tell the long, long story. the broken story that i was trying so desperately to find the beauty in.

but he started first. he saw the fear behind my eyes. he told me everything.

and it felt like a safe place. so that little by little, the tenseness went away. the nerves relaxed. and by the time his story was over, i could tell mine. and feel peace.

on june 27th, 2013, i said, "yes, Lord, i will be vulnerable with this heart. i will finally let someone in."

so i started at the beginning. i told him a lot. but would get to certain parts in the story and pause, wondering if i should tell him that part.

in the end, i pushed away the lies. the lies that said i was ugly. that i was unforgiven, and told him even the hardest, saddest, ugliest parts. i would tell him, and look at the ground. but by the end of the story, i could look him in the eyes. and there was no judgement there. there was no finger-pointing. only acceptance. only understanding.

and when it was all out there, i realized there was no going back. now someone knew it all. and i was scared of what that was going to mean from here on out. but he didn't act scared off. he didn't walk out of that coffee shop. he stayed.

i opened my soul. i let someone in.

and they stayed.

so all i have are words of gratitude today. because i'm sorry, but i just don't have anything else. all i've got is this:

thank You, Jesus, for putting someone here with me who wants to stick around.

thank You.

thank You.

thank You for a friend.

thank You for letting me walk out of that starbucks a free person.

because i no longer have to keep this burden to myself.

thank You.

thank You.

thank You.

You have blessed me beyond measure.

and You are always faithful.

and I love you, Lord.

thanks for being so good to me.

1 comment:

Sierra said...

I am SO SO SO SO stinkin' happy for you Hannah! I prayed that it'd all work out, whenever your meeting/talk/opening was going to be. I'm so happy that you had such a wonderful time today. I am so super happy that you were able to just let it out and be light and floating away from all your problems and the past. Because it can fall away, Jesus does that to a person. You are so beautiful, so perfec,t so treasured in His eyes. So so so so happy. I'm so glad it went well :D xox~S

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