Thursday, July 18, 2013

when nightmares and panic strike, get on your knees.

listening to: britt nicole | straight for your heart

it felt like i was forgetting, or maybe just starting to.

move on, inch forward a bit. not a lot, but a little bit,

but. you know.

you have nightmares about it. you keep on thinking and thinking about it until the fear and the worry of what could happen takes you over.

i've lost sleep over it.

i haven't been able to dance like i normally do, because it's been on my heart.

i feel sick to think about the whole thing.


three weeks away is going to be good.

three weeks away to clear my head again.

three weeks to put everything and everyone i know in perspective again.

and when i come back, i think i'll be ready. i'll be a little stronger, maybe.

* * *

a couple of nights ago, i thought i was on my way to healing.

and i still am.

but you see, i kept on thinking about the past.

i kept thinking about things that hadn't haunted me in a while.

new feelings i hadn't felt before about these things began to emerge. anger. fear. but mostly extreme fear. crippling fear.

these last few days, i've cried more than i've smiled.

because so much is changing.

for the first time in seven years, my dad has a job.

and for the first time in ten years, my family and i are taking a vacation.

i have a new friend who is near and dear to my heart.

but at the same time, i've got a big past clinging to my shoulders. and it doesn't seem to want to let go.

* * *

i know, right now, that i'm never too far to find my way back home. and neither are the people who have hurt me.

it's just the letting go. it's the pushing the depression away.

and as i start to let more and more people in, i think more and more of the friend i lost a long time ago.

that makes me cringe. that makes my heart sink and stick to the muck at the bottom.

i keep coming across her picture more and more. and all it does is hurt.

so i think i know now what i'm working towards is being able to look at that photo of her, and not feel the pain. not cry anymore.

i can't imagine that. still, three years later, i can't possibly fathom it.

these days, one incredible conversation with a real friend is always followed by a thought or two of my oldest friend. who left.

and then i get scared all over again. i panic. i wonder if i'll go through it all again. and then i wonder if i'd make it if i had to face it all again.

then i question if it's all really worth it.

if community is worth the risk.

the risk of my paper heart.

the last few days have proved that it is.

i remember laughing out loud when i texted a dear friend and asked him to pray for me. he was at a restaurant. he said he'd go pray in the bathroom, though, so it'd "be more real". love that kid.

but the last few days have proved that it'll be okay. it just hurts right now. but i'll get through it.

my Jesus got me through it once, He can get me through it again.

that is all i know. and so that's what i have to keep my eyes fixed on.

1 comment:

Nine said...

I am in love with your blog. And the words you write creep into my heart. Thanks for being so strong.


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