when the line is fine. and hardest to walk on. still you must be brave, and run.

lately i've been riding the dividing line between being the friend and enemy of some people. people i guess i thought would be the ones to stick around. but once i changed my mind and made myself a name, i don't think they were expecting such a big change. i don't think they were at all sure how to handle me. and right now, it just feels like they've decided to hit the road and turn their noses up at me.

there are days when i'm sad about it. when all i want back is them. those special, bright people. and i cry, because i miss what used to be.

there are days i'm so angry i'd like to throw a punch. i'd like to scream. i'd like to leave them behind and let them see how it feels. judge them. see how it all feels. just be done. cause sometimes, i really don't know how much more judgement i can take.

there are days when i want to forgive. and days when i don't.

days when i call them my enemies. days when i call them my friends.

and days, like today, where i am trying to find that place in between. not hate them, but not give them every piece of my heart, either.

because i know that until they can change- if they decide to change- until they can open up their eyes, i can't do anything. i can only sit back and pray that they come around. see that i do what i do for myself. that i became who i am today because i am choosing to follow God's plan for my life. trying to figure things out and becoming something new. something better than i was before.

i'm not rebelling against these people, i'm rebelling against normal. and what the world would like me to be. i'm rebelling against suffocating to death underneath all the legalistic expectations. i'm becoming my own person. i'm trying to be brave and take more leaps of faith more often.

the reason i cry these days is because it hurts to have loved ones turn against you. the ones you thought you could trust with everything. and when you find out you can't, then nothing feels stable. everything feels like it could come crashing down at any time. any moment. any second. and everything you worked so hard to build up for yourself could get taken away.

and you wonder if you should just wait to become your own person until you're free some day.

but if i've learned something recently, it's that i can't keep waiting.

because i could die tomorrow.

i really could.

and don't want to waste time dreaming about the day when i would be free. i want to be free today. right now. and look forward to tomorrow morning because i'll be free, then, too. do things without worrying about what people will say or think... or do. what i could lose for being me.

i'm sure that can sound like i'm a loose cannon, that i'm throwing away everything, but i'm not. if you knew me for my whole life, you'd know how reserved i was. how quiet i was because i was afraid i'd say something and people would laugh at me. make fun of me. how afraid i was of being in real relationships.

i was so afraid of screwing up.

and i still am.

so now it is time for me to be okay with people thinking i'm screwing up. i know i'm not. i know that painting my nails black and being in a rock band and wanting tattoos someday isn't sinful. and i can't keep living to please people. i have to live to please God and myself. i have to live, and be happy. holding nothing back.

* * *

so lately has meant trying to forgive, without letting myself latch onto the same people again. without letting myself believe that they are gonna be good friends from now on. i need to start to separate myself little by little.

i need people who are going to support me in becoming me. support my dreams. support my individuality. because that's all i'm trying to be. me. myself. and i. that's all. i don't expect people to agree with me, just not put what i love and have chosen for myself down. because that cuts me all up inside. they have no idea how much it really does hurt.

that's when my heart hardens and i can't keep from labeling them as the enemy. i'm trying to forgive, or wanting to, and then they push me to the ground. and when i have a hard time getting back up, that's when it feels like it's going to be a thousand years until i can let go and move on. forgive them for thinking i'm a worse sinner than they are.

because some days i want them to stay.
others i simply don't.

i'm trying to love. i'm trying to help heal these people's wounds and support them and give them words to help them up off the ground. i'm trying to laugh with them. but that's hard to do when they aren't helping me along this road. this shaky, shaky road. when, repeatedly, i get shoved to the dirt. with words. with looks that kill.

some days i want to forgive.
others i don't.

i'm riding the dividing line and i'm learning to place the unhealthy relationships outside my life.

the thing is, last time i did that, i ended up with a very broken heart and a stack of years to spend evaluating how i was going to ever heal. how i was ever gonna let go.

but this time, i want to be able to move on and be okay when the deed is done.

i don't want to spend years wondering if i did the right thing or mourning over the loss.

i want to not be afraid to walk this road by myself. without people, i mean. because i've got God. and He is showing me how even when people disappoint, He never will. He really never will do what people will do.

He's showing me i need to be confidant without people to tell me i should be. that i need to know i'm beautiful- inside and out- without people telling me i am. that what i love is beautiful. that the black nail polish is beautiful. that the dreams of tattoos and piercings are beautiful. that the skinny jeans are beautiful. that the rock band is beautiful. because i am beautiful. and because my heart is figuring out how to shine brighter through what i love.

and i am learning to love and accept bravery.

three kinds of happiness.

listening to: a good day | priscilla ahn

(a.) finally getting around to watching Le Mis. wow. i was completely blown away. left speechless.

(b.) getting moved up to the final level of ballet. it's pretty amazing now to look back at when i was a little kid and this was all i wanted. now, i've reached it. and i'm ready to start this new journey.

(c.) writing with Anna. and finding an opportunity to start recording!

happy memorial day, beautifuls. love you all.
hannah.

He's held on. and He's never let go.

lately has meant letting go.

letting go of what i want. letting go of what people think of me. letting go of relationships. letting go of staying comfortable.

----------------------------

i've been wanting to be normal some days. just put a quick and easy end to all the stares i get. i want to be honest in saying that throwing away my individuality has been a great temptation before. but in the end, it's always worth it. sure, this thing has cost me relationships and dreams and plans for the future. it's meant giving up a lot that i loved, but it's also meant replacing those things with something or someone much more worthwhile. things and people more beautiful. things and people that will grow me, stretch me, in the ways i need to be. things and people that will have a positive impact. not a negative one.

---------------------------- 

time and time again i used to let my shoulders fall forward when i would feel this doubt inside me. doubt that comes from people looking me up and down and turning up their noses. it hurts. i spent the better part of my life seeking desperately for the approval of people, so now it's something entirely foreign to me to turn that all around. it's good, but it's still hard.

lately has meant that even when people stand there and say i'm a mess, i must still throw my shoulders back and keep on walking. put them out of my head, because their opinions don't matter. and just keep walking.

it's meant pursuing my dreams and passions even when others won't understand them.

even the people i thought would always be here for me haven't been recently. when you change, it's definitely a good test for those you love. to see who's gonna stick around. be loyal. stay with you through it all. coming out as someone really different gave me a brand new set of eyes as to who my real friends were.

----------------------------  

letting go of relationships.

well.

where do i start?

it starts with a boy, and ends with a boy. in between there are a lot of other people. but he's the one on my heart a lot. he was the first one i really fell in love with. then after he broke my heart, i let myself fall for some other ones. i was weak, and i had my head and heart up in the clouds.

i spent a lot of time joking around about how i had three crushes at once, but in the end, it really was sad. i panicked. i just wanted to be loved. and i wasn't letting God fill up those empty spaces in my heart.

but in between the time of letting go of boys, i have been learning. and seeing who's real. who still loves me amidst the changes. the drastic changes. and like i said before, i'm surprised in the end by who's leaving and who's staying. it's been incredible. as heartbreaking as it has been to see the ones i thought would stay end up going, new relationships have covered up the old ones and filled me up in new ways.

so i'd like to talk about someone.

i'd like to talk about a really wonderful person named Anna.

Anna is in my band. she's the founder.

i remember our first meeting. i was so nervous. i wanted this thing to work out perfectly, but i just couldn't see it happening. no one seemed to like me anymore. since i'd changed. so i didn't have a lot of hope.

but she laughed with me. she laughed at all the stupid little things i would say. she understood the things that matter to me, and didn't see it as stupid to love them too much. she expresses herself like i do. she's struggled with being judged, like i do. she's passionate about music, like i am. she's got big dreams, like i do. she's hilarious. she's so sweet. she's so much fun to be around. i love this girl more than i can say.

and guess what? i've only met with her two times.

it's amazing to me how God can bring together two people and know why they need to be together. in the midst of all this sadness, in the midst of all the loss, God gave me Anna. she has been such a blessing in my life. to know that i am not alone. that i'm not weird. that i need to be me. that the real me is better than anyone else i could ever try to be. when i'm around her, i feel relaxed because i know there's no judgement. that she's going to appreciate my dreams.

----------------------------

in letting go of staying cozy and warm and comfortable, i have learned that i have not been growing. and that i probably won't be the hardcore rocker that i am today forever. i will change, and i hope to always be changing. changing into something more and more real. becoming more genuine every day of my life.

i was getting too settled. and i wasn't particularly happy with things. so once i realized i needed to change things up a bit, joy found it's way back in again. new ideas and new dreams and new energy came back. new faith.

just like before.

it got to a point by the end of last week where my motive behind dressing like i do wasn't where it used to be. where it needs to be. instead of me being me, it was more like "this is who i am! hate me! judge me! i dare you!" that sort of thing. an, "in your face" sort of thing. and i don't want it to be like that.

recently i'd been just kind of sitting in the same position. still angry at a lot of people. still trying to heal, but not really succeeding.

so as scary as it has been giving change a try, it's really only made things much better.

i was so scared to let go of people i have loved. like i was scared to try looking like a punk rocker all those months ago. i wasn't sure how it would all work out, but it did. it hasn't been easy, but it did work out. and i'm so much happier because of it. and my relationship with God is so much better off because of it.

i think that most people are scared of change in general. sometimes change can be extremely painful. believe me, letting go of a friendship and a boy or two has been hard. harder than i thought it'd be. but i'm learning to be okay. be okay without those people in my life. be able to be happy for them. because they have lives of their own to live, and i'm learning to live mine full out. not looking backwards, but always forward.

not lingering, not holding back, but running. running straight forward with a shield in hand. ready to take on whatever comes my way. not in hate, but in knowing that i am doing what i was made to be doing. all along.

6 kinds of happy | updates on where i am.

via Hayley Williams.

via the band All Time Low.

• focusing on this quote ^^

• orange nails, like the lovely miss Hayley Williams. <3

• writing and piecing together songs with my band. i'm not sure how much i've actually mentioned about the band, or if i've even officially told ya'll what we're called. well we recently labeled ourselves as Society's Errors, and we are pretty spanking proud of what we've got going. :) i sing, and my dear friend Anna plays piano like a boss and also sings. we *thought* we had two other members on board, but it turns out they just weren't the right fits. so at this point we're just praying that God will bring along who He wants us to be in this thing with. hoping He'll find the perfect fits for us.

• trying to find a way to come up with money. money that will go towards flying me back to haiti next year. but here's the thing: i need 2,000 + dollars. so i'm looking for jobs like a crazy person right now.

• preparing for a dance recital. the recital itself is a charity benefit for sexually abused children, and it's this weekend! i'm super stoked!!! especially because the next day marks the beginning of Giant Sale week...

• twice a year, my church puts together a massive hulk-sized garage sale. some of what we earn goes towards our trips to haiti, so this time around it means so much more to me. it'll be that much more near and dear to my heart. i'll be working all week to pull this thing off, so i might not be seen much around here. but with Giant Sale week marks the six month anniversary of the life-changing For King and Country concert!!!! (*squeals and blushes uncontrollably*) HOLY BEANS. it seems like just yesterday i met JOEL AND LUKE SMALLBONE, guys. i seriously can't believe it!!!

 ------------------------------------------

well dear faithful readers,

i love you all so flipping much. but as most of you know, the past couple of weeks have been extremely challenging for me to get through. i've been sorting through a lot of things like healing and defining relationships. and so much good has come from all of it, but i still need time to keep on thinking.

on the brighter side of things, however, i've been having more and more motivation and inspiration to start writing about haiti. so the plan at this point is that when Giant Sale week is over, i'll start this process of telling you all the stories. introducing you to all the special people i met and got to know so well on that trip. all of those who are like my family now. they're all these special, irreplaceable people i feel like i could go to with anything. and i love that. and i want to tell you all about each of them.

so if you could wait just a little longer, it'll all get here. this time of me processing things has been good. and you all are so sweet to be so patient. love you guys to the moon and back.

♥

choosing joy,

hannah.

you don't give up, i don't give up.

for the last year, i've been living each day as a praise dance to God that i am still alive.

just grateful.

just happy to still be here.

glad to be out of the pit.

glad to be rid of the depression.

then there was these last couple of weeks.

i've been missing haiti so much.

i've also had plenty of time to think.

think about this girl i'm becoming.

think about whether i'm willing to sacrifice "normal".

because i could fit in. i'm pretty good at that after trying so hard for so long.

but lately, i'm becoming more and more okay, even confident, with being weird. being different. sometimes, really different.

i've learned that yes, i will lose a lot in the process. but i will also gain so much more. and i think that in the end, this will all be worth it.

it's just about fighting for what i stand for. and i stand for originality.

these things that i am choosing for me, they won't always be understood by everybody. but all that matters is that i do these things for myself. and no one else. i do them because i know God is calling me to do them.

and that's another thing.

lately has been crushing. really crushing and really hard.

and i was getting the old feelings back.

the old sadness from the old days was coming back. and covering me up. so much that i could actually feel the light inside me dimming. it was going out slowly.

i haven't been around because i haven't felt motivated. i'll be honest: i've been sad. i'm been very sad. i haven't been wanting to get out of bed. i haven't wanted to dance. i haven't wanted to blog. because i couldn't seem to find the words. i felt weak and i felt like i was falling backwards. which was terrifying. i couldn't understand why God would bring me so far to only let me go now. i couldn't understand why He would have me be the author of a blog about recovery from depression, and then just throw me back into it all again.

but, somewhere inside me, i knew i just had to keep on clinging to Him, even though i didn't know what was going on with this heart. because i really didn't have the slightest clue as to what was going on with me. i've just been feeling really sad for the first time in a long time, and i didn't completely know why.

* * *

the last couple weeks have involved a lot of fighting for who i am. who i'm not done becoming. which can sometimes be scary, when you don't completely understand who you're fighting for. because i don't completely have this new me figured out. all i know is i will be braver, i will be more colorful. i will laugh more, be silly more. sing out loud more. i will share my story more.

and my story doesn't involve a whole lot of happiness.

it isn't pretty. it's pretty bleak.

it's sad. it's ugly.

but something i am becoming okay with is my story. saying "this is who i am, and i am beautiful. and this story has the power to heal other people. so i will tell it."

my story is about a girl who struggles with sadness. my story is about a girl who always escapes, though, through her God.

and i plan to always escape, but that doesn't mean there aren't hard days.

that doesn't mean there aren't ever nights when i don't cry myself to sleep.

and maybe that's why lately, i've been slipping and falling a little more.

i think i was getting a little to comfy. i think i was thinking that the better part of my suffering was over.

and truth is, it is not.

i will suffer- we will all suffer- our entire lives.

but when we've got this incredibly great God on our side, we can defeat everything and anything.

* * *

lately i've been waking up every morning feeling this alone feeling. this gap, this hole in my chest. like i used to all the time.

believing there aren't others out there really and truly like me.

and i didn't understand why God would have me feeling that way.

i hated the feeling so much, it was killing me. swallowing me whole.

then i met Anna.

Anna is the founder of the band i am in now.

i remember going home after i first met her and plopping down on the kitchen floor. i ate a cookie and drank some milk. i kept thinking about how she got all my jokes. laughed at the same stupid things as me. listened to all the same music as i did. liked the fact that i wear "rocker boots". :)

and i started to cry.

i can't express how thankful i felt- how i still feel.

and these days, when i look back, i think that God let me feel a little alone just to see where i stood. to see if i was really going to stay strong in being myself. to see if i would give up and go running back to normal. and now that He's seeing i plan to stay weird, i believe He's letting me know there's others out there like me. and leading me to them, bit by bit.

meeting Anna opened up this whole other world to me. and it's a world i want to be a part of.

* * *

so lately... lately has been shaking me up.

lately has got me feeling like there is this other side to being genuine.

when i think of genuine, i think of being real and true to who you are.

but also, now, i think we've got to be genuine with what our story is.

because no one's story is perfect. they're never cut from a cookie cutter. they're hand-shaped, which i like much better.

and this blog involves a lot of truth. a lot of painfully tough truth.

but this is okay. and this is good.

i want to be okay in saying there were nights over the last couple of weeks when suicide kept creeping back into my mind. which scared me so bad i wanted to scream. i would sit in bed and hold my head and just cry. and shake. and not know what was going on. where my God had gone or if He was still planning on sticking around.

i don't want this blog to look like i've got my stuff together. because i don't. and i don't believe anyone ever quite does. or ever will.

but that is the beauty of life, i think. and that is the beauty of my story and yours. that in the end, our God will shine through.

this recent pit that i was in, it's a chapter in my story and it's coming to a close. and i am glad that the suicidal thoughts are going away, again.

but i don't want to push it to the back of the closet and forget it. i want to remember it and treasure it and tell the world about it.

because i don't see depression as a weakness. and i don't see it as something to be ashamed of.

we've all been sad. and we're certainly all broken. so i don't want to see another person left without a friend when they're in that kind of a place. a dark place like depression. the side of depression that makes you want to end your life. get rid of your whole future and all the possibilities.

i thought about stopping this blog, but in the end, i knew i couldn't.

because in the midst of wanting to end my life in the middle of the night, i kept thinking i could never do it. i thought, "if i give up, i'm basically telling all the people of this world it's not worth it."

which is stupid. because it is worth it.

it's just about finding the strength in yourself- the strength that comes from God alone- to pull yourself out of the pit.

and i know it can be so dark some days, sweet heart. i really do know and i get it.

but the fight is always worth it in the end.

so let's make an agreement between us, okay? let's say this: 

you don't give up, i don't give up.

we'll make it out of this alive, you and i.

we're gonna be okay.

we'll get through this and we'll be okay.

three.

listening to:

heroes by all time low (clean edit)

- being asked to join a band!!! guys, my God is seriously the best thing ever. He wants my dreams, too.

- lots of haiti reflection.

- pumpkin bread

happy sunday, lovlies!
hannah