Tuesday, May 21, 2013

He's held on. and He's never let go.

lately has meant letting go.

letting go of what i want. letting go of what people think of me. letting go of relationships. letting go of staying comfortable.


i've been wanting to be normal some days. just put a quick and easy end to all the stares i get. i want to be honest in saying that throwing away my individuality has been a great temptation before. but in the end, it's always worth it. sure, this thing has cost me relationships and dreams and plans for the future. it's meant giving up a lot that i loved, but it's also meant replacing those things with something or someone much more worthwhile. things and people more beautiful. things and people that will grow me, stretch me, in the ways i need to be. things and people that will have a positive impact. not a negative one.


time and time again i used to let my shoulders fall forward when i would feel this doubt inside me. doubt that comes from people looking me up and down and turning up their noses. it hurts. i spent the better part of my life seeking desperately for the approval of people, so now it's something entirely foreign to me to turn that all around. it's good, but it's still hard.

lately has meant that even when people stand there and say i'm a mess, i must still throw my shoulders back and keep on walking. put them out of my head, because their opinions don't matter. and just keep walking.

it's meant pursuing my dreams and passions even when others won't understand them.

even the people i thought would always be here for me haven't been recently. when you change, it's definitely a good test for those you love. to see who's gonna stick around. be loyal. stay with you through it all. coming out as someone really different gave me a brand new set of eyes as to who my real friends were.


letting go of relationships.


where do i start?

it starts with a boy, and ends with a boy. in between there are a lot of other people. but he's the one on my heart a lot. he was the first one i really fell in love with. then after he broke my heart, i let myself fall for some other ones. i was weak, and i had my head and heart up in the clouds.

i spent a lot of time joking around about how i had three crushes at once, but in the end, it really was sad. i panicked. i just wanted to be loved. and i wasn't letting God fill up those empty spaces in my heart.

but in between the time of letting go of boys, i have been learning. and seeing who's real. who still loves me amidst the changes. the drastic changes. and like i said before, i'm surprised in the end by who's leaving and who's staying. it's been incredible. as heartbreaking as it has been to see the ones i thought would stay end up going, new relationships have covered up the old ones and filled me up in new ways.

so i'd like to talk about someone.

i'd like to talk about a really wonderful person named Anna.

Anna is in my band. she's the founder.

i remember our first meeting. i was so nervous. i wanted this thing to work out perfectly, but i just couldn't see it happening. no one seemed to like me anymore. since i'd changed. so i didn't have a lot of hope.

but she laughed with me. she laughed at all the stupid little things i would say. she understood the things that matter to me, and didn't see it as stupid to love them too much. she expresses herself like i do. she's struggled with being judged, like i do. she's passionate about music, like i am. she's got big dreams, like i do. she's hilarious. she's so sweet. she's so much fun to be around. i love this girl more than i can say.

and guess what? i've only met with her two times.

it's amazing to me how God can bring together two people and know why they need to be together. in the midst of all this sadness, in the midst of all the loss, God gave me Anna. she has been such a blessing in my life. to know that i am not alone. that i'm not weird. that i need to be me. that the real me is better than anyone else i could ever try to be. when i'm around her, i feel relaxed because i know there's no judgement. that she's going to appreciate my dreams.


in letting go of staying cozy and warm and comfortable, i have learned that i have not been growing. and that i probably won't be the hardcore rocker that i am today forever. i will change, and i hope to always be changing. changing into something more and more real. becoming more genuine every day of my life.

i was getting too settled. and i wasn't particularly happy with things. so once i realized i needed to change things up a bit, joy found it's way back in again. new ideas and new dreams and new energy came back. new faith.

just like before.

it got to a point by the end of last week where my motive behind dressing like i do wasn't where it used to be. where it needs to be. instead of me being me, it was more like "this is who i am! hate me! judge me! i dare you!" that sort of thing. an, "in your face" sort of thing. and i don't want it to be like that.

recently i'd been just kind of sitting in the same position. still angry at a lot of people. still trying to heal, but not really succeeding.

so as scary as it has been giving change a try, it's really only made things much better.

i was so scared to let go of people i have loved. like i was scared to try looking like a punk rocker all those months ago. i wasn't sure how it would all work out, but it did. it hasn't been easy, but it did work out. and i'm so much happier because of it. and my relationship with God is so much better off because of it.

i think that most people are scared of change in general. sometimes change can be extremely painful. believe me, letting go of a friendship and a boy or two has been hard. harder than i thought it'd be. but i'm learning to be okay. be okay without those people in my life. be able to be happy for them. because they have lives of their own to live, and i'm learning to live mine full out. not looking backwards, but always forward.

not lingering, not holding back, but running. running straight forward with a shield in hand. ready to take on whatever comes my way. not in hate, but in knowing that i am doing what i was made to be doing. all along.

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