listening to: the sun is rising by britt nicole
the most i've been through since the depression.
i've been working on defining relationships. figuring out what they mean to me. who's gonna really stick around and fight the battles with me. seeing who's here to stay.
i've been working on letting go and moving on from friendships. and from a boy. figuring out what it means to think of them and not be sad. because even now, that still seems so impossible to be able to do someday. but i know it can be done. i've just got to keep on fighting to see the results that only come from pulling through.
i've been working on letting more people in. letting the girl that shines on this blog shine in real life, too. put my heart on the line more often. and thus far, nothing but good has come from it.
when i say the words, "i was depressed once, and i almost gave up" i always sort of cringe and wait to see what people will say. so much anxiety and fear comes from wondering what they'll think of me, now that they know my deep dark secret. but so far, i've been proven wrong. anyone who's heard my story has been able to relate in some way, whether it be the part about believing lies, or being depressed, or feeling insecure. and through hearing about who i really am, they begin to see me as someone different. see me in a different light. people who once saw me as a quiet, homeschooled girl who didn't do much thinking for herself are always surprised to find i actually have a beating heart. that's experienced quite a lot. a lot of pain, but pain that has made me into a better person.
and that's another thing.
lately i've been trying to see where all this pain has transformed old hannah into new hannah. and i do see it. i can see it, identify it, in every part of this story. but still, it's been hard understanding why it had to be some of those things to bring me here, where i am now. i am glad God chose what He chose to use, but still i wonder.
i wonder why it had to be my dad that got the cancer. why it had to be my very best friend that left. why it had to be me that had scoliosis- a crooked spine- and then wear a brace that made me hate who i was and doubt my worth.
it's taken forever to figure out why God used those things. why such big things. such massive parts of my life. things i always said i wouldn't be able to live without.
but sometimes i over think. and all it is, in the end, is that those were the things that He knew would shake up this heart enough to turn away for a period of time. three years. three long years of feeling hurt and abandoned by the God who said He would always be there.
well He was there. it just took me a while to find Him.
* * *
i feel like lately there's been a storm cloud over everything i write. and i don't want people thinking i'm still depressed. i struggle with it, of course. every day, i have to fight it. fight off the lies. it never completely goes away. but people need to know that i really am a very happy person.
and life hasn't been all bad lately.
i've learned a lot as i've experienced a lot.
so i wouldn't take back any of it.
as dark as the places i have been were, i've only grown from them. i wouldn't want them to have been made any brighter. that would defeat the purpose of escaping from the darkness all along.
so yes, my heart has been breaking a lot lately. but it's also been mending just as much.
i am choosing to let it break seven times, but still pick up the pieces and let it heal eight.
don't worry about me, but i would ask that you pray for me.
i am fighting a hard battle, all the time.
and i know that each one of my readers is, too. so even when i'm not around here, writing, i do pray for you all. you're always in my thoughts and i hope everything is well with each of you.
but as i've been off and on from blogging, the time away has been well spent. none of it's been pointless. it's been spent working on sewing patches over the holes in this heart. and i hope that sometime, i can show you each of those patches and tell you about them individually. why the holes they cover up are there. not be ashamed of the holes. but show you how to stitch up your own.
but in the mean time, i love you all.
as always, don't give up and keep on pushing through it all. you're not alone on this journey, love.