Saturday, February 9, 2013

i made myself a bed at the bottom of the blackest hole.



i was recently putting together an interview for a dear friend's blog.

when i was asked to tell a bit about myself, i thought of how i am a dancer. and how i love music.

and then i thought of all the sad days.

those times that i spent at the bottom of the blackest hole.

because those days, they are a part of me. they are my testimony. so i felt the need to type them out there.

it was the first time i've ever been interviewed on another blog, and having my own words on another page was somewhat, i'll admit, intimidating. especially since i was basically screaming, "Hey there! My whole life has not been a fairytale. I have been really, really sad before. And it is something I still struggle with. I'm not perfect, I've got this big flaw called anxiety."

somehow, after a while, admitting my struggles with sadness and insecurity doesn't become hard anymore. it gets to the point where you feel much more comfortable sharing it all.

which is good, it's great! don't get me wrong.

but having my words written all over a strange place scared me a bit.

it was like the first time i told the world through my own blog that i hated what i saw in the mirror all those months back.

* * * * *

what i have come to realize through blogging is that my struggles are no accident. they happened to me so that someday i could recover and heal and then tell the others looking for hope that there is a way out. help them up in whatever way i could. they would have someone who understood all the feelings.

i was always angry with God for sticking me in the places that i had ended up. but after a while, after some healing, your eyes get opened up for the first real time.

* * * * * 

so, if my entire three years spent wandering can even bring one person back home to our Father, than i say it's worth it. even if it hurts to go back there, back to the darker parts of the woods. even if it's scary to look the monster called sin in the eyes.

if all of it can just end up saving one soul, 
then it is completely worth it to me.

choosing joy. today.
hannah.

1 comment:

Lauricia said...

Soooo good, girl.

Same thing has happened with me, and I'm finding it easier to share my struggles, cause they were a big part of my life, and I know people can relate to real stuff better than sugar coating your story.

Thanks for this :)

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