tried to find the perfect words to describe how much i hate judgement.
sometimes i get a hold of them- the right words, the perfect words- but i never have a real grip. a firm grip. they're never words i feel like fully express how much i really feel about judgement. because i feel so much. so very, very much when it comes to this thing.
* * *
being judged has driven me crazy. insane. when i have felt like i know who i am. and how i am going to express that.
well people aren't always going to understand you, darling. they just won't, love. but they are never worth changing yourself over.
i made these decisions for myself because i felt God tell me i needed to make them. my decisions to look more like a punk rocker than- well, the girl i used to be. the sad girl. the worn out girl. the girl who just wanted to look "normal".
time and time again i've tried to explain this to the haters. but it never goes over well.
one line i seem to hear the most is,
"i wish you would... "
be the person you want me to be? because if i did do that, then i would be denying the person i was created to be here and now. the person God created me to be.
and i have seen so much good come from all of this so far.
wearing black nail polish was the first step i took towards being brave. and i remember girls i had know for years and years come out and say they had always liked it, but never felt like they owned the freedom to say they actually did. once i started doing it, they became bolder, too. which was a really amazing and beautiful thing to watch happen to each of those precious ones.
to walk through a grocery store and see a teenage guy dressed like a goth. to see him and smile. to give him a fist bump that says, "keep it genuine. keep it real, bro. don't give up. please don't ever give up. don't ever pretend. don't ever wear a mask. because it would only cover up something so much more beautiful."
to see people like me soften towards me, now that they know i will accept and love them for who they are. not judge, not hate. just love.
* * *
beauty comes in all forms.
beauty might be expressed through bright pink nail polish. or through black.
because we are all beautiful. each and every one of us. so we can't say any form of self-expression is ugly. we can't determine that. it's not our place to decide that.
and over the last year, my eyes have been more open to seeing beauty in everything. in everyone.
so when someone comes along, especially someone i love and trust, and they hate what i'm doing, it crushes me. it crushes my spirit. it hurts that they hate a part of me.
lately i think God's been toughening my skin up quite a bit. which has been difficult, and it's been a tender process for me, since i've always been a really, really sensitive person. ultra emotional over everything. but it's been really good for me.
i think He's leaving me sensitive to the feelings of people. to the places where they're hearts are hurting, but at the same time, making me stronger when it comes to those- well, the haters.
because lately, it just feels like there's a lot of them. crawling everywhere i look. like i can't escape.
and i know we all go through that.
whether they hate us for our religious beliefs, something we believe in, or something along the lines of self-expression.
but those people are the ones that are making me surer of who i am.
Jesus Himself had haters.
so as His follower, i know i'm going to have them, too.
i think a lot of people's trouble is they just can't see all the good. my purpose in it all.
because my purpose is to make a statement that says, "this is who i am. this is what i love. and i'm not afraid to be this person anymore."
but i'm still fighting many, many insecurities. i'm still healing. and i'm still letting God have all of this.
it's almost overwhelming sometimes. trying to heal from the words of people who hate what i do. because there's always something new to try and forgive. to mend from.
but in the end, i think it's important to know that somewhere in the world, there are others like us. i have already come across a couple, and they are some of the most beautiful people i think i've ever met. they are really, truly amazing. inside and out. how they let God have all of them. every part of who they were made to be. they hold nothing back.
but above all else, it is important to know who's words will mean the most. i could go on for hours about how special you are, how your uniqueness shines bright, but my words could never even begin to compare to the words of Jesus. a God who has a special mold for you to fit into. a mold made for you, and only you. it's all just about letting Him fit you into it. and once you have, i can't even begin to explain the happiness and satisfaction that will come from letting Him have who you are. because He made who you are, and who you dream of becoming. who you are should never be dimmed down. your light should never be hidden under a bowl.
“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."
- matthew 5:14-16
so in essence,
you will meet these people in your life who will be vain and they will think you shouldn't be "abnormally bright".
but i disagree.