at age thirteen, i started to become insecure. i didn't like the way my face looked, i didn't like the way i looked in my clothes. i felt like wherever i went, no one liked me. whatever group or community i became a part of, i felt rejected because i simply wasn't good enough to be in it. i had the hardest time forever trying to express myself after all of that. and i quickly began to lose my identity. i forgot who i was because i was too wrapped up in trying to be who everyone else wanted me to be.
but i'm coming back now. these days, i'm learning to express myself again. through song, because that is the one way i know how.
i've had the hardest time at dancing full out at the studio during the week. i hold back because i'm afraid. afraid that i will be laughed at or maybe what is my very best won't be recognized by my teachers. i hide. every single time. and it's so incredibly frustrating. i don't want to, but sometimes the fear is overwhelming. and i feel hopeless because i don't think i'll ever conquer this.
and as i've developed a love for singing, too, i've had a hard time even singing full out. inside, now i can't explain it well, but i feel like there's always something just wanting to come out and it feels so right. like the voice inside would come out and sound really good if i'd just let it. i hold back when i sing because i am worried that whatever will come out will sound horrible and people will laugh. and i can't afford to be hurt again.
you see, i'm a perfectionist. i don't want to mess up, and i expect everything i do to be perfect or else i will decide i'm no good at the thing.
but this afternoon with everyone in the house downstairs, i had the whole upstairs to myself. all alone. no one to really listen in. i sang full out. i cranked up my speakers and let my voice spill out. and what came up and out of me felt so good and sounded the best i've heard of me before. it was something so beautiful. and the same thing has happened when i lock my bedroom door and just dance with no one watching. no one to judge. nothing to fear. it's the best feeling in the world. in those moments i spend being free, it's the purest joy.
i want to reach the place of doing everything i love, what i am most passionate about, full out. i don't want to hide anymore. i'm getting awful tired of it.
because what i've got to share is beautiful. and there is nothing to fear in that.
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
-- John 8:32