for the last year, i've been living each day as a praise dance to God that i am still alive.
just happy to still be here.
glad to be out of the pit.
glad to be rid of the depression.
then there was these last couple of weeks.
i've been missing haiti so much.
i've also had plenty of time to think.
think about this girl i'm becoming.
think about whether i'm willing to sacrifice "normal".
because i could fit in. i'm pretty good at that after trying so hard for so long.
but lately, i'm becoming more and more okay, even confident, with being weird. being different. sometimes, really different.
i've learned that yes, i will lose a lot in the process. but i will also gain so much more. and i think that in the end, this will all be worth it.
it's just about fighting for what i stand for. and i stand for originality.
these things that i am choosing for me, they won't always be understood by everybody. but all that matters is that i do these things for myself. and no one else. i do them because i know God is calling me to do them.
and that's another thing.
lately has been crushing. really crushing and really hard.
and i was getting the old feelings back.
the old sadness from the old days was coming back. and covering me up. so much that i could actually feel the light inside me dimming. it was going out slowly.
i haven't been around because i haven't felt motivated. i'll be honest: i've been sad. i'm been very sad. i haven't been wanting to get out of bed. i haven't wanted to dance. i haven't wanted to blog. because i couldn't seem to find the words. i felt weak and i felt like i was falling backwards. which was terrifying. i couldn't understand why God would bring me so far to only let me go now. i couldn't understand why He would have me be the author of a blog about recovery from depression, and then just throw me back into it all again.
but, somewhere inside me, i knew i just had to keep on clinging to Him, even though i didn't know what was going on with this heart. because i really didn't have the slightest clue as to what was going on with me. i've just been feeling really sad for the first time in a long time, and i didn't completely know why.
* * *
the last couple weeks have involved a lot of fighting for who i am. who i'm not done becoming. which can sometimes be scary, when you don't completely understand who you're fighting for. because i don't completely have this new me figured out. all i know is i will be braver, i will be more colorful. i will laugh more, be silly more. sing out loud more. i will share my story more.
and my story doesn't involve a whole lot of happiness.
it isn't pretty. it's pretty bleak.
it's sad. it's ugly.
but something i am becoming okay with is my story. saying "this is who i am, and i am beautiful. and this story has the power to heal other people. so i will tell it."
my story is about a girl who struggles with sadness. my story is about a girl who always escapes, though, through her God.
and i plan to always escape, but that doesn't mean there aren't hard days.
that doesn't mean there aren't ever nights when i don't cry myself to sleep.
and maybe that's why lately, i've been slipping and falling a little more.
i think i was getting a little to comfy. i think i was thinking that the better part of my suffering was over.
and truth is, it is not.
i will suffer- we will all suffer- our entire lives.
but when we've got this incredibly great God on our side, we can defeat everything and anything.
* * *
lately i've been waking up every morning feeling this alone feeling. this gap, this hole in my chest. like i used to all the time.
believing there aren't others out there really and truly like me.
and i didn't understand why God would have me feeling that way.
i hated the feeling so much, it was killing me. swallowing me whole.
then i met Anna.
Anna is the founder of the band i am in now.
i remember going home after i first met her and plopping down on the kitchen floor. i ate a cookie and drank some milk. i kept thinking about how she got all my jokes. laughed at the same stupid things as me. listened to all the same music as i did. liked the fact that i wear "rocker boots". :)
and i started to cry.
i can't express how thankful i felt- how i still feel.
and these days, when i look back, i think that God let me feel a little alone just to see where i stood. to see if i was really going to stay strong in being myself. to see if i would give up and go running back to normal. and now that He's seeing i plan to stay weird, i believe He's letting me know there's others out there like me. and leading me to them, bit by bit.
meeting Anna opened up this whole other world to me. and it's a world i want to be a part of.
* * *
so lately... lately has been shaking me up.
lately has got me feeling like there is this other side to being genuine.
when i think of genuine, i think of being real and true to who you are.
but also, now, i think we've got to be genuine with what our story is.
because no one's story is perfect. they're never cut from a cookie cutter. they're hand-shaped, which i like much better.
and this blog involves a lot of truth. a lot of painfully tough truth.
but this is okay. and this is good.
i want to be okay in saying there were nights over the last couple of weeks when suicide kept creeping back into my mind. which scared me so bad i wanted to scream. i would sit in bed and hold my head and just cry. and shake. and not know what was going on. where my God had gone or if He was still planning on sticking around.
i don't want this blog to look like i've got my stuff together. because i don't. and i don't believe anyone ever quite does. or ever will.
but that is the beauty of life, i think. and that is the beauty of my story and yours. that in the end, our God will shine through.
this recent pit that i was in, it's a chapter in my story and it's coming to a close. and i am glad that the suicidal thoughts are going away, again.
but i don't want to push it to the back of the closet and forget it. i want to remember it and treasure it and tell the world about it.
because i don't see depression as a weakness. and i don't see it as something to be ashamed of.
we've all been sad. and we're certainly all broken. so i don't want to see another person left without a friend when they're in that kind of a place. a dark place like depression. the side of depression that makes you want to end your life. get rid of your whole future and all the possibilities.
i thought about stopping this blog, but in the end, i knew i couldn't.
because in the midst of wanting to end my life in the middle of the night, i kept thinking i could never do it. i thought, "if i give up, i'm basically telling all the people of this world it's not worth it."
which is stupid. because it is worth it.
it's just about finding the strength in yourself- the strength that comes from God alone- to pull yourself out of the pit.
and i know it can be so dark some days, sweet heart. i really do know and i get it.
but the fight is always worth it in the end.
so let's make an agreement between us, okay? let's say this:
you don't give up, i don't give up.
we'll make it out of this alive, you and i.
we're gonna be okay.
we'll get through this and we'll be okay.