Friday, June 7, 2013

this is why i'm free. and i'll never compromise ever again.

listening to:
this is who i am | by colton dixon

in five days, i will be sixteen.

and it's weird.

usually, i'm all ecstatic for my birthday to get here and i'm crazy and uncontrollable and everything makes me happy and smiley.

but this year, i'm calmer.

i'm still excited, but just calmer.

i'm only one year older.

but so much has happened in a year.

so much has happened in me in a year.

* * *

one year ago i didn't know who i was or what i was becoming.

i was judgemental and harsh. unforgiving. unloving.

one year ago, i was hurting.

one year ago, my worst enemy was the mirror. and myself.

i hated myself without makeup.

but i hated all of me, too.

i couldn't find a place that i really belonged.

and i didn't understand that i had family. that i had friends.

i still felt like i never quite fit in. anywhere.

when i'd be somewhere where everybody in the room seemed to be getting along so well, i felt distant. and i felt unwanted.

when people ask me today, "what changed?" i always say, "God changed me."

but along the way, He gave me so many other people that helped to change me, too.

i discovered about this time last year that i wanted to look different. but i didn't know what different looked like for me.

so God gave me rock bands. He gave me their songs to get me through the hard days. when i needed to look up to someone who was really, truly genuine, He gave me those rock bands.

some people look at my love of rock bands and think i'm just another fangirl. that i just like the guys in the bands because they're hot and stuff.

but no.

i love them because once, like me, someone told them they were doing the wrong thing. like me, they've been judged. they've been shoved around just for being who they were. like me, they tried and tried to stay strong and believe in who they were. and all i want is to end up like them: to succeed.

i look up to them because most of them are in their thirties, and married, have kids, and are still themselves. they never lazered off the tattoos. still dye their hair black and blue. still tell the world every day, never apologizing, that this is who they are. and they give people the option of loving them or hating them. but they never change for people.

that's why i look up to rock bands.

that's why i want to meet so many of them someday.

that's why i want to hug them and tell them they helped make me into the girl i am today.

that they helped me out of the pit of depression.

that, in essence, their perseverance saved me.

that they saved me.

* * *

this is why i'm free.

and i know why i'm free.

people have tried to tell me it's stupid to look up to rockers like i do.

but i disagree.

i'm free because i found myself.

and i found myself because i looked up to hard rocking bands.

a year ago or two, i would have judged them for expressing themselves like they do. back when i was legalistic and immature. and had a heart breaking in two.

but here and now, today, they are the people i look up to most.

once i stopped judging, and started listening, and then began believing, i was set free.

God knew who and what it would take to create me into a free spirit. a girl who let go of perfection and of what people thought of her, and sang her heart out.

and it took rock bands.

it took these really incredibly beautiful people that i've never even met.

but people i could never thank enough.

people who have made me want to never compromise ever again.

never settle for normal or the easy way out.

because time and time again i have settled for what is easy and what is gonna keep me out of trouble.

but it is these people- these hardcore rockers- that, whether they know it or not, are the ones who give me a hand up to stand up and tell the word that this is who i am.

* * *

so in five days, i will be sixteen.

and i'm looking forward to it.

another step in the journey.

another year older.

and i'm wiser.

and happier.

and more free.

much, much more free.

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