one year ago today // the beauty from ashes.

this time last year, i was conflicted and confused.

i didn't understand why i was losing my best friend.

i didn't understand why i felt so empty on the inside.

i didn't understand why i hated myself.

i didn't understand why it had to be my dad who had had the cancer.

i didn't understand why i sinned so bad.

i didn't understand why i felt so ugly.

i didn't understand why people who said they loved me never reached out.

i didn't understand why i had to be the one depressed.

i didn't understand why i had to have all this suffering and pain.

i didn't understand why God didn't just take me. because i really just couldn't take it anymore.

but all along, it was written on my soul:

HOPE IS WHAT I CRAVE.

and i didn't even know it.

* * * * *

one year ago, today, i was spending more time wanting my life to end then carry on.

but somewhere, at sometime, i don't even remember now, Jesus told me i could rise above it all, that i would, eventually, love again. that i would figure out who i was. that i wouldn't cry anymore when i looked at myself in the mirror. that i would judge less and accept more. 

that i wouldn't turn to dust. 

that the tears would rust on my face. 

that i would finally have a spark to believe and see.

this journey i like to call Genuine has finally, i think, lived up to it's name.

in the beginning, it was written by a shy girl who really didn't know why she was giving her new blog such a deep name in the first place.

but with each post and each word typed, i took bigger steps. deeper steps. i let the world know my story and all the dark places. my dark places. places i have always been ashamed of, but those are the places i now see as my testimony.

and that is what Genuine has become.

i began this journey feeling like my burdens were my shame and pain. but over the course of twelve months, they all turned into testimonies. all the sins, all the wounds that people have left on me, i wouldn't want them taken away anymore.

my hope in the beginning was that i would look good to people who came to read here. i wanted to look like someone who had her whole world together. 

but now, it is my prayer that people who come here will find a drop of grace and find their way back home.

* * * * *

one year ago, today, i needed to be fixed.

i wanted to feel love again.

i wanted to love and to be loved.

perhaps that was the motive behind Genuine.

because back then, i wanted to feel something real.

well i have found it.

this blog has brought me back to my God.

and this blog has brought me back to the roots of who i am.

and as much as you all probably feel like you know me and my whole world and story, there is still so much that went on from behind this screen and deep inside this heart that can't even be put into words.

feelings and thoughts that can't be put into words. ever.

but i hope that the feelings that could be described have helped you and maybe even healed you, too. and i hope that the words to come continue to build you up in the ways that you need them to.

because all of us crave one thing in the end, and that one thing is hope.

and we can all find it.

because i did.

and i am a living example of beauty from ashes.

* * * * *

so one year ago today.

i always thought that would be a great anniversary post title.

but i never thought the second part to that would be 

"beauty from ashes".

Friday, February 17, 2012

oh, hello there world!

... and welcome, welcome, welcome! I'm so excited to be here. :)

Well as this is my first post, I suppose an introduction might be nice and very convenient for you, dear readers. Just thought you'd like to know who's here, writing:

Hi, hello, hey, gutentag! I'm Hannah. Writer, dancer, photographer, actress, singer, and designer. Yeah, yeah I kinda have a lot of hobbies, in case you didn't just notice. My other loves are fashion, lowercase letters, James Cameron movies, and anything deep fried and covered in chocolate. All very, very good things. ;)

But most importantly, Jesus is my everything. I strive to live every single day for Him and be more like Him. My hope is that this blog will bring further glory to His kingdom. I want people to look at me and see Him within me.

I think that is enough for today. But no need for tears, m'dears, I'll be back again soon... :)

with hugs and kisses,
hannah

thank you for sticking with me and blessing me thus far, beautifuls. i love you all to the end of the world and back.

love. hannah.