Tuesday, April 2, 2013

wake on up from your slumber.

  
listening to slumber, covered by heavens to betsy

well i willingly admit to being a rather crappy blogger lately.

i've been getting emails, texts, and facebook messages asking where i am. people wanting to hear more about haiti.

i want- i have wanted- to share more about it all.

but truth is, this heart has been a little withered lately.

i've had some relationships in tangles lately. and i've been missing haiti so much it hurts. and there's always boys. and school. i'm also trying to get this band on it's feet.

and all the while, i've wanted to blog. but every time i tried i just couldn't find the words.

and it was frustrating, but i have this rule, you see. i've got this deal with God.

and that rule is that i don't write unless i feel led to.

and i haven't felt led to.

finally, today, my fingers felt the urge to type again. my heart felt full again. so i tried putting out some words. and i felt like singing again.


* * *

i hadn't felt depressed, really depressed, in a long time.

and lately, the old feelings were coming back again.

the past, i think, was coming back to haunt me.

and i started to panic.

i didn't want to go backwards.

and i felt like my whole being was pretty much screaming it at God.

i didn't want Him to let me go. not when i'd just got back from out of my dark place. my hole.

i've spent the last two weeks in a really sad place.

i had all these people wanting to know more about haiti, here, on the blog, but i was still processing things. i still am. i'm trying to figure out what life is like here in the states for me now. cause haiti changed everything. it really, really did.

and i think that over time, more and more from haiti will start emerging here. you'll see more posts, i think. you'll get to know those that are now my family better because of what i plan to write.

but this coming back has been rough, guys.

and i need some time.

when you go somewhere like haiti, it shakes you up quite a bit. it makes you question what you thought you were supposed to do. or at least, i am questioning my purpose now.

it's making me wonder if i'm not supposed to live there some day.

and i already know i'm going back.

there's no question of that.

if i didn't, i don't know how i'd stay sane. i really, really don't.

so i'm just trying to get a firm grip on things right now. i'm trying to figure out a whole lot. not really healing, just trying to figure out stuff. stuff. so much of a whole lot i can't even put it all into words.

but i just wanted to come around and say i am alive.

and i think that i'll be okay.

i just need time to do some soul-searching.


love you all, dear hearts.
choosing joy. hannah.

3 comments:

Molly Marie said...

It's all right, Hannah. I've been going through a lot of this lately. Of wanting to blog, but having so much to figure out. And life is crazy sometimes. It give you things that make you think. That shake you up, but just keep praying, girl. Because God won't ever let you go, so just keep praying to Him. His will will be revealed at the right time. I'll be praying for you <3

~Molly~
mollyslittlecorner.blogspot.com

P.S. LOVE your new header! You are so pretty!! <3

Jovita said...

Hannah, you gorgeous, gorgeous girl, it's completely alright. Just know that you are not alone, I'm always here if you need to process things! God's going to do something amazing through this soul-searching time of yours Hannah, you are totally doing the right thing by seeking Him. He promises to be found by you (Jeremiah 29:14). Love you heaps - keeping you in my prayers, darling.

Lauricia said...

Its okay, Hannah. We all have lulls and moments in life that are just low (been there lately) and that's okay. We don't need to feel the pressure to "be great" all the time. Sometimes that's just not the case...And we understand.

You'll get it, girl. Answers will come.
I've been loving this verse:
"Don't mistake God's patience for his absense. His timing is perfect, and His presence is constant. He's always with you!" (Deuteronomy 31:6)

Love ya girl.
God didn't bring you this far to leave you.
-Lauricia

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