listening to slumber, covered by heavens to betsy
well i willingly admit to being a rather crappy blogger lately.
i've been getting emails, texts, and facebook messages asking where i am. people wanting to hear more about haiti.
i want- i have wanted- to share more about it all.
but truth is, this heart has been a little withered lately.
i've had some relationships in tangles lately. and i've been missing haiti so much it hurts. and there's always boys. and school. i'm also trying to get this band on it's feet.
and all the while, i've wanted to blog. but every time i tried i just couldn't find the words.
and it was frustrating, but i have this rule, you see. i've got this deal with God.
and that rule is that i don't write unless i feel led to.
and i haven't felt led to.
finally, today, my fingers felt the urge to type again. my heart felt full again. so i tried putting out some words. and i felt like singing again.
* * *
i hadn't felt depressed, really depressed, in a long time.
and lately, the old feelings were coming back again.
the past, i think, was coming back to haunt me.
and i started to panic.
i didn't want to go backwards.
and i felt like my whole being was pretty much screaming it at God.
i didn't want Him to let me go. not when i'd just got back from out of my dark place. my hole.
i've spent the last two weeks in a really sad place.
i had all these people wanting to know more about haiti, here, on the blog, but i was still processing things. i still am. i'm trying to figure out what life is like here in the states for me now. cause haiti changed everything. it really, really did.
and i think that over time, more and more from haiti will start emerging here. you'll see more posts, i think. you'll get to know those that are now my family better because of what i plan to write.
but this coming back has been rough, guys.
and i need some time.
when you go somewhere like haiti, it shakes you up quite a bit. it makes you question what you thought you were supposed to do. or at least, i am questioning my purpose now.
it's making me wonder if i'm not supposed to live there some day.
and i already know i'm going back.
there's no question of that.
if i didn't, i don't know how i'd stay sane. i really, really don't.
so i'm just trying to get a firm grip on things right now. i'm trying to figure out a whole lot. not really healing, just trying to figure out stuff. stuff. so much of a whole lot i can't even put it all into words.
but i just wanted to come around and say i am alive.
and i think that i'll be okay.
i just need time to do some soul-searching.
love you all, dear hearts.
choosing joy. hannah.