My parents sat me and my siblings around our table on September 5th, 2010, and told us they were separating. I would later find out that this meant divorce.
Ever since that day, my life hasn’t been normal. Even after 2 years, I’m still wounded. I think I will be forever.
Being a child of a divorce is the worst thing you can go through, in my opinion. The reason that you’re alive– your parents’ marriage– is no longer stable. It feels as if your whole life, your very being, is being unraveled. Maybe your parents are really good about it all, and leave you primarily out of it. But it really doesn’t matter. No matter what they do or don’t do, you’ll end up feeling unwanted.
Me personally? I know my mom loves me. And even though I’m still mad at my dad for leaving, I know that he loves me too. But sometimes, I feel like a parcel being passed between 2 houses. Or maybe a waste of money– it’s only because of the court that he has to pay for that, or her for this.
I can’t help but feel so very alone.
I’ve always been a quiet girl. I have a few friends, and only a handful that I’m close to. But even so, I couldn’t bring myself to tell any of them. I think I thought that if I didn’t talk about it, it would somehow go away, or at least become less of a problem. I think this was a mistake, not talking to anyone about it, and I only started opening up in the last few months. But the fact is, the first 18 months of this experience were the hardest in my life.
I’d cry myself to sleep. I’d feel frustration like I’d never felt before. I’d get so mad at my dad I couldn’t even say, “I love you, too.” I still can’t But I so, so wish that I could. I wish things were back to normal. But normal no longer exists.
This was the very first situation that I’d been in that I couldn’t do anything. No matter what I said or did, nothing would change. It wasn’t as if I could force my parents back together. The only real option that I had was to surrender to God.
Jesus was the only one who was always with me, without fail. I have gone through some hard things. But I still trust him. I know that sin is in this world, so bad things– horrid things– happen. But out of each of those bad things, God will bring something good. This divorce has brought me to the brink, but it has also brought me straight to God. Whenever I felt despair, He gave me hope– maybe through a song, or an encouraging word from someone. Recently, I was mad at Jesus. I had never been mad at Him before. Maybe frustrated, but not angry. I didn’t pray or read the Bible for a long while. I was angry because I felt as if God didn’t care about me. He had been there for me, but He still felt so distant. Sometimes, he still does. But I have come to realize that He is in control.
Maybe things don’t make sense. Maybe you’re at rock bottom, looking for a way up. Maybe you don’t trust Jesus because he seems far away– at the top, not really offering to help. He’s in Heaven, while you’re stuck on this miserable, sinful, unfair planet.
I understand. I’ve felt this way too. But I want to tell you that He’s there. He’s by your side. He knows how you feel. I struggled with the fact that I was so alone, but the whole time, Jesus was by my side, trying to tell me something important.
“I love you, and I want you in Heaven with me.”
Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. We’ve still got work to do here on Earth. There are men and women who’ve never heard of God, and those that don’t believe. God will bring good out of your bad experiences. Maybe you have a story to tell– one that will change someone’s life. You’re part of a bigger picture.
So trust in Him. I’m trusting that this story will help someone– it was hard to write this, to open up to the world. But I want His will to be done. I want to spread the word that even in hard times, Jesus will set us free. He will open us up. He will give us hope.
He did it for me.