the pain of our own making // letting the locks down

it struck me. then and there. i talk, here, all the time about pain and how it changes us. the kind of pain that makes us insecure. the kind of pain that makes us retreat back into our holes. the kind that people inflict on us. but not the kind that comes as a result of our own sin.

so i want to discuss that more.

and there is no judgement. there is no condemnation. because here i write, as a girl who still has a hard time believing that Jesus would want someone like me. and maybe that's where it did all begin for me. maybe that's where all the pain actually did originate from. who knows.

but i've screwed up in big ways. i'm made stupid mistakes. i've lost my head to the traps of the world. and not the smaller traps, either. the bigger traps. always the big ones.

i am here to tell you that it doesn't matter what you've done. and it doesn't matter where you've been. whether you've lost innocence. it doesn't matter. none of it. Jesus sees you through these pretty amazing lenses that no one else can see you as beautiful through. but He sees you as perfect in every single way that this world would tear us up for.

sometimes your entire soul just wants to scream out NO! i can't be saved. i've lost my chance of having a good life.

i've been there. and i've been so lost and caught up in sin, so hopeless over it all that i didn't see a future for me anymore.

but don't you know that they were all lies? from Satan. he wants to see me dying.
Jesus wants to see me living.

and when i say me, i mean YOU TOO. if you're in a pit, He wants you out. not because you are evil and you had better cut it out and stop sinning, but because He knows the pain. and He doesn't want you to hurt anymore, love. and i understand the meaning of shame. and i understand the meaning of sin in general. the big sins, too. not just the little ones. they eat you up.

but you've already been forgiven. so you've gotta forgive yourself. you weren't made to be perfect. and that's okay. He takes us as we are. messed up. but beautiful. always beautiful.

i don't believe we can fully believe that Jesus forgave us long ago if we aren't forgiving ourselves, also. so let yourself go.

let the locks down.
and i don't think i could ever stress how very important it is that you let your soul be free. because then, then sweetheart, a thousand doors- a WORLD of doors- will be open to you. and they all have joy written on them. and maybe, if you need it like i did, a bit of hope, too.

choosing joy. hannah.