Sunday, August 19, 2012

on value and worth and where it should all come from

let me just start out with saying that i will never become one of those girls who posts about nothing but her and her boyfriend. one day, when i do have a boyfriend, i won't post thousands of pictures of us kissing it up. that won't be me, so you don't have to worry. i can promise you, it just won't happen. okay, okay now you know.

* * * * * * *

when i was twelve, i knew some guys. and being a homeschooler, they were the only group of guys my age i was really in contact with.

well i liked one or two of them, but they didn't like me back. they all- yes, every single one of them- liked the girls who wore low cut jeans and skin tight tops, and a couple of pounds of eyeliner. i tried not to ever let it bother me, but it still hurt. it hurt that they never even acknowledged me when i would walk into the room. it hurt a lot. and sometimes, like now, i can remember how awful it felt. i knew what Jesus thought about me, but i wanted someone like that to feel the same way. but they didn't. they just didn't. and that was when i started believing the lie that no boy could ever love me. or even like me. or ever want to be with me. that's when i started to become so insecure.

so i've believed that lie through middle school and now into highschool. and i've worn pounds of makeup ever since. i thought it would make me feel beautiful. i thought it could help in healing me. and maybe get me some attention along the way.

then a couple of months ago, i stopped wearing all that makeup. i had a breakdown, and all because i feared the lie, the same lie that Satan had gotten me to believe all those years ago. i had felt okay when i got ready every day, because i could hide behind all that makeup. up till now. now, when i looked at my face in the mirror, i could point out a million flaws: "my eyes are too tiny and too close together, my nose is too pointy, my eye brows aren't dark enough and i wish they were thinner, my lips aren't thick enough, and i've got these acne scars that i hate with a burning passion". and it goes on and on and on...

since then, i have been able to take a step back and take a better look at what Jesus says about me and who i am and what i'm really worth. what i am really worth. and i have changed so much, even in just a couple short weeks. i don't mind my new makeup routine. not one bit. although sometimes i walk out that front door and wish i was a little thinner, i am much better than i was. self image is something i have always struggled with. and i'm not saying it's all the sudden magically over, but it's much better than it was.

and recently, i met this guy, who kept on looking over at me. right after i started wearing less makeup, the very thing i thought would send a boy running in the opposite direction, he started looking over at me. and i would look back at him. and you get the picture.

well we're just friends and no more than that, but it made me feel good. and i'm not gonna be all stuck up and say he likes me or anything, but hey, why would he keep looking at me? now i barely even know the dude. but maybe he can just see the true beauty better now. now that the mascara isn't caked on my eyelashes. well we're just getting to know each other better. and you should know that just because he gave me some attention, that's not just why i like him. i like him for a whole lotta other reasons. he's mature, for one thing, which is a rare thing to find in a boy these days. but anyways...

since all of this has happened in my life, i've been able to put together an outfit every day that i definitely wouldn't have worn before because it wouldn't have been all that "normal". but i am starting to care less. and less. a whole lot less. and i like it that way. in fact, i prefer it this way because getting ready in the morning is a heck of a lot easier.

so the other day, i was laughing my head off. and i caught this same guy looking at me. like really really hard. i have never quite felt this way before. i think i'm just still in shock that someone like him could look at someone like me the way he does all the time now. and i'm not getting my value from him, that's completely not what sparked this epiphany. no, he has just been an extra hand up that God threw in the bag, in my opinion. :)

so i'm starting to see the evidence that there are guys out there who could care less about normal. they are the guys who want genuine. i want to be more genuine. i want to start practicing what i preach. after all, that is why i am here. to help everyone who comes here become their genuine selves. and to become more real, myself.

and lastly, because confidence is just plain beautiful. just thought i'd throw that one out there, too.

with hugs and kisses,

p.s. sorry for my absence as of late. my life has just been tied up in school. so yeah, you can blame it on my mother/teacher, please. :)

1 comment:

Molly said...

WARNING: This is an extremely long comment, and you don't have to read it all if you don't want to, I just really loved this post :)

I know exactly how you feel Hannah, and I cannot tell you much this post encouraged me, just knowing that there is someone out there like me, who cares about not being "normal".
Last week was the state fair, and I'll admit it, I felt kinda out of place. I looked around and noticed all these girls wearing skin tight shirts, unexplainable short shorts, loads of makeup, and they all had boyfriends with them. While I was there with jeans, a cowgirl shirt, and with my siblings. I felt my self-confidence fade a whole lot, but I reminded myself that the guys, the real guys, the ones with the heart, aren't going to like me for that stuff, they are going to like me for me. And I know that there are guys like that out there.
My 8 year old brother, Max, has been getting to know this 11 year old boy (same age as my younger sister Maddie), and we had him come swimming with us. Maddie wore a really modest swimmsuit: a simple swim shirt with swim shorts. The next day, Max got home from his house and told us that he liked Maddie because she was cute, sensitive, funny, quiet, and then he said, modest. That gave me a huge wake up call. This kid liked my younger sister because she was modest. I cannot tell you how much that encouraged me to stay with my modest beliefs, because that told me that that boy was real, he had a real heart, for real girls, with real hearts.
We went to church that night at our friends house. And, obeying my parents rules, I stayed with my little brother, Menter, the whole time, while just about every other middle school/high school kid I knew was playing volleyball. After a while, two of the boys came out into the backyard, where I was, away from the volleyball, and started playing tennis. And let me say, I caught them both looking at me several times.
Hannah, this post was so exactly what I needed to hear today. I mean, I feel like I really know you now. I know that you are like me, and that you don't want to try to fit in by dressing immodestly, or wearing loads of makeup. I just flat out loved you Hannah, and I believe that this has got to be one of my most favorite posts that I have read ever. Thank you so much Hannah, I love you ♥


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