on value and worth and where it should all come from

let me just start out with saying that i will never become one of those girls who posts about nothing but her and her boyfriend. one day, when i do have a boyfriend, i won't post thousands of pictures of us kissing it up. that won't be me, so you don't have to worry. i can promise you, it just won't happen. okay, okay now you know.

* * * * * * *

when i was twelve, i knew some guys. and being a homeschooler, they were the only group of guys my age i was really in contact with.

well i liked one or two of them, but they didn't like me back. they all- yes, every single one of them- liked the girls who wore low cut jeans and skin tight tops, and a couple of pounds of eyeliner. i tried not to ever let it bother me, but it still hurt. it hurt that they never even acknowledged me when i would walk into the room. it hurt a lot. and sometimes, like now, i can remember how awful it felt. i knew what Jesus thought about me, but i wanted someone like that to feel the same way. but they didn't. they just didn't. and that was when i started believing the lie that no boy could ever love me. or even like me. or ever want to be with me. that's when i started to become so insecure.

so i've believed that lie through middle school and now into highschool. and i've worn pounds of makeup ever since. i thought it would make me feel beautiful. i thought it could help in healing me. and maybe get me some attention along the way.

then a couple of months ago, i stopped wearing all that makeup. i had a breakdown, and all because i feared the lie, the same lie that Satan had gotten me to believe all those years ago. i had felt okay when i got ready every day, because i could hide behind all that makeup. up till now. now, when i looked at my face in the mirror, i could point out a million flaws: "my eyes are too tiny and too close together, my nose is too pointy, my eye brows aren't dark enough and i wish they were thinner, my lips aren't thick enough, and i've got these acne scars that i hate with a burning passion". and it goes on and on and on...

since then, i have been able to take a step back and take a better look at what Jesus says about me and who i am and what i'm really worth. what i am really worth. and i have changed so much, even in just a couple short weeks. i don't mind my new makeup routine. not one bit. although sometimes i walk out that front door and wish i was a little thinner, i am much better than i was. self image is something i have always struggled with. and i'm not saying it's all the sudden magically over, but it's much better than it was.

and recently, i met this guy, who kept on looking over at me. right after i started wearing less makeup, the very thing i thought would send a boy running in the opposite direction, he started looking over at me. and i would look back at him. and you get the picture.

well we're just friends and no more than that, but it made me feel good. and i'm not gonna be all stuck up and say he likes me or anything, but hey, why would he keep looking at me? now i barely even know the dude. but maybe he can just see the true beauty better now. now that the mascara isn't caked on my eyelashes. well we're just getting to know each other better. and you should know that just because he gave me some attention, that's not just why i like him. i like him for a whole lotta other reasons. he's mature, for one thing, which is a rare thing to find in a boy these days. but anyways...

since all of this has happened in my life, i've been able to put together an outfit every day that i definitely wouldn't have worn before because it wouldn't have been all that "normal". but i am starting to care less. and less. a whole lot less. and i like it that way. in fact, i prefer it this way because getting ready in the morning is a heck of a lot easier.

so the other day, i was laughing my head off. and i caught this same guy looking at me. like really really hard. i have never quite felt this way before. i think i'm just still in shock that someone like him could look at someone like me the way he does all the time now. and i'm not getting my value from him, that's completely not what sparked this epiphany. no, he has just been an extra hand up that God threw in the bag, in my opinion. :)

so i'm starting to see the evidence that there are guys out there who could care less about normal. they are the guys who want genuine. i want to be more genuine. i want to start practicing what i preach. after all, that is why i am here. to help everyone who comes here become their genuine selves. and to become more real, myself.

and lastly, because confidence is just plain beautiful. just thought i'd throw that one out there, too.

with hugs and kisses,
hannah.

p.s. sorry for my absence as of late. my life has just been tied up in school. so yeah, you can blame it on my mother/teacher, please. :)