Friday, May 4, 2012

the robot

who they think i am, but i'm not.

I've never been outright called a "robot", but there have been times in my life when I can just tell what people think of me. I can see it in their eyes. I know instantly after years of getting the same reactions that they think I'm heartless.

Here's the deal: I am not thick-skinned. At all. In fact, I'm crazy-sensitive. Which can be good for some things, and bad for others. But it's just the way God made me to be, and I'm learning to except it. I'm learning to except me for me.

Two, almost three years ago my family and I became a part of a community that was very different and new to me. I was shy at first, but within a few short months, I was able to warm up to the people of this community. I began talking more to them. I started to become relaxed and okay with the change we had made.

Now another thing you should know is that I am a people-pleaser. Often times I have unrealistic ideas of what people must be expecting OF ME. I'm often times to hard on myself. But I want to do my best to please them. But this time, like many others, I failed. I fumbled up my words together when I'd say something to someone in the community and then... they would laugh at me. And after a while, I just got tired of humiliating myself in front of people. So I just learned to shut my mouth and keep quiet after being hurt a couple of times. I put up barriers around my heart to keep it safe from ever being hurt again. I couldn't take it anymore. And to this day, still can't. Since then, I've just smiled and pretended like everything was "okay" when people tried to talk to me. By now, of course, they just think I'm a robot without a heart or feelings who ( and this doesn't help matters ) homeschools. I love homeschooling, but some of the people in the community don't. I answer every questions as yes and no. I don't want to go into details with these people anymore.

But here is the Truth: I am Genuine. I have just as much heart and soul as anyone else here. When I am in a familiar environment where I feel safe to be myself, I'm a giggly, dramatic teenage girl just like everyone else. And maybe, just maybe, if the people who think I'm some sort of piece of machinery would take the time to get to know me - i mean really know me - they would find that I have a real heart, too, just like you. And it's not made of metal to words. I don't ricochet bullets very well, I actually dent very easily. But I have learned over the years to put on a pretty good poker face to where no one ever knows what I truly feel inside. Because inside, their words hurt and break my paper heart.

* * * * * * *

So the reason I'm writing all this suddenly, now, is because yesterday was the worst. It's been a stressful week for this community that I am a part of. All that stress brought out the worst in all of us, and so some words obviously did not ricochet this time. They went right through. Clean through. Many, many times people repeatedly asked me why I was so shy. I wish I could tell them. I know why, and it's because I'm afraid to be hurt again. The real me isn't shy at all. The real me enjoys listening to alternative rock and wearing black skinny jeans and red converse with dirty scuffs at the tips. But I don't wear them to the community because they might think I'm weird. The real me that they never get the chance to see is completely capable of loving deeply, they just need to take the time to discover more.

with much love and many hugs and kisses,

p.s. sorry for the emotional bomb on ya'll, i obviously just had a lot of junk i needed to get off my chest this week. thank you for being such loyal readers!

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