seeds.

over the last couple years, someone very near and dear to my heart started to fall.

he started falling down. down, down, down...

i love him. although we don't see each other much anymore, i still love him.

and it's my duty to love him. i've always wanted to get across to him in some way that even when the whole world gives up on him, i won't. i never will.

* * *

lately, we've been catching up on facebook.

and every time we talk, i sometimes wonder if i'm the right person for this job. this job of helping him back onto his feet. cause that's ultimately what i'm trying to do. give him a shoulder to lean on. i can't heal him, that job belongs to Jesus. but i can give him a hand up.

sometimes, i doubt if i'm the right one. because i've sinned like there's no tomorrow. and my faith has never been quite where i want it to. don't get me wrong, it's in the best place it's ever been, but there's always something in me that says it can be better. and i'm still getting over a lot of crap from the past.

so how can i, someone who could never say she's done healing, help him heal?

i've been trying to tell myself, when i do doubt myself, that part of this whole thing is letting him know flat out that i don't have my stuff together yet. and i'm still trying to figure it all out. he's definately not alone in that.

i want him to know that i've been hurt, too. i know how hurtful people can be. we both seem to know that.

i don't want anybody, especially someone i love like this kid, to ever suffer like i've suffered.

we've both got to learn to forgive. we've both got to learn to move forward. to finally figure out how to heal. i mean heal completely.

* * *

sometimes i don't know how to start a conversation up with him.

sometimes i'm not sure if what i'm doing, just asking how he is and getting a pretty basic response, is ever working. if it's ever doing any good.

but in the end, if i can get across to him that i am here for him, that i really want to know how things are, that there is a real reason i am asking, then it is worth it.

i'm trying to remind myself that i am planting seeds every time. planting seeds that, hopefully, let him know that someone cares about the mending of his heart. and that mine still needs mending, too. that he's never going to be the only one who's in need of that. that the healing can be done. that he is loved. by me, and by a God who knows him better than anyone ever could. that loves him more than any human being ever could.

joy always.

hannah