Tuesday, February 26, 2013

letting the word "boyfriend" go.

listening to lovely by sara haze

part of my meaning behind naming my year action was putting all of my energy and time and heart and soul into my music. learning more, constantly. growing more passionate, constantly. becoming a better musician, constantly. i want to take my dreams to the next level to get to where i feel God calling me to.

well lately, lately has been hard.

after i felt rejected by this one boy, i started getting attention from another boy. well this boy, let's just say he's the kind that likes a lot of girls.

well i let my heart win again.

i drowned out all my sense with the sound of my own heart beat.

i thought all the time how much he must like me. and i started falling, again, just like last time.

and i don't want a repeat of last time.

cause last time, i got my heart broken.

* * * * *

my goal, for this year, is to not be ashamed of being on my own. without a guy. not feel the need to get my importance from him.

to not throw myself at every guy who gives me some attention.

to not fall again.

because i believe that part of being genuine, part of being okay with who i am, is accepting myself just the way i am. without a guy in my life.

and someday, i do hope to see myself in love and married. but today, right now, i need to feel secure in my own skin before i take that next step.

i need to really, truly love my own self before i could ever love someone else like that.

* * *

part of being genuine is feeling lovely just the way that we are.

not changing ourselves for someone.

for me, that means not changing for a guy.

because if i change, i want to change for me, and not for anyone else.

i don't want to mold myself into someone just one guy would like. would date.

that could never make me happy, i know. and i could never be content with myself, i know.

i want a guy to find me lovely just the way i am. i want to find someone who doesn't want any part of me changed. someone who'd give the world to see me stay my own person. not be a copy of anyone else.

and a lot of guys, i think, like normal.

when i think about it now, i didn't fail any of those other guys expectations.
i found out a billion ways how not to find the right guy.

and the right guy won't want normal.

he'll just want me.

and yours will want you. and no one else.

choosing joy,


Sierra said...

Thomas Edison...gotta love that guy :) Something that I think that a lot of girls (including me sometimes) get caught up in letting guys and their attention define them. I find it so sad that we let them fill God's space a lot of times. I've done it. I don't' want to again. And, like you, I do want to get married and have a wonderful, God's-finger-prints-all-over-it romance in the future...I want to have it in the future. Not right now, now I'm not ready. I need to focus on school and learning more about God. Becoming who I am. Great post :) Sierra
Keep growing beautiful!

Molly Marie said...

I loved this post, Hannah :) I guess I'm kind of going through this kind of situation. Around Christmas, I found out this one guy liked me. He also is the kind that has like a lot of girls. He is popular, the pastors son... you get the point.
I think I too found myself constantly thinking about how he liked me, and that one time I saw him looking at me. But I've just come to realize that I can't give my heart away yet. I'm not going to get so attached, just to see him walk away.
So the other day, I realized that if God wants this to go somewhere, He will lead both of us there. So I just basically told Him that this was in His hands.
That's why I loved this post so much :)


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