Saturday, January 26, 2013

to my precious one.

all photos of Stella by my wonderful mama

saturday, my doggie Stella stopped walking.

sunday morning, my mama told me that my dad and hans were going to take her to the vet.

and we weren't positive she may come home again.

i had to tell my puppy goodbye, just in case.

my mama told hans that he had to be strong, and, if need be, put Stella out of her pain if the vet thought she ought to be put down.

he was so brave. he told her he would not let our Stella suffer if it came to that.

sunday, while my mama was talking to some friends at church, i was anxiously waiting for that phone call from my dad. to tell me that my girl had made it. i was praying that she had.

the phone rang.

i picked it up.

my voice was shaking and already, tears were forming.

my daddy tells me it's nothing to be very concerned about. he tells me he and hans just need to pick up some medicine for Stellie and she should be fine then.

relief, once i am off the phone. i am settled again. everything is alright now.

my baby girl, hans, and my dad get home. all alright. 

we are all just overjoyed to get to see her sweet face again.

we give her the medicine.

she lays in bed all day.

doesn't sleep.

barely moves.

once, finally, she gets up out of her bed. we are just so happy to see her up and walking around again.

then, she urinates on the carpet.

so big deal. it's okay. easy to fix.

hansie runs to go and start getting it cleaned up.

when he looks at the wet paper towel, it is all blood.

sunday night, my mama sleeps downstairs with Stella, who wasn't moving from her bed again.

i hug mommy goodnight before i go to bed and then, i get this feeling somewhere deep inside me that i ought to do something.

i felt like i should tell Stella goodnight, too.

but at the time, i didn't know why i would feel like that. come morning, the medicine should kick in. and our baby girl would be alright and up and joyful and happy again. like she has always been.

i go to bed.

and i have hope for the morning.

when monday morning comes, i wake up. it's complete darkness still outside, and i start journaling to Jesus first thing.

all the while, i feel wrong. all wrong. i don't feel all that settled inside. and i don't know why. i almost feel sickly.

at six thirty, i walk out into the hallway and my mama is at the foot of the stairs. tears streaming down her face beautiful face.

she tells me that Stella died just a few minutes ago.

i begin to cry. then the sobbing begins. i run to my mama.

she holds me.

hans wakes up only minutes later.

he hears the same news.

all of us sobbing, we hold onto each other.

i can't believe she is gone.

we can't believe she is gone.

and the house seems so empty without her now.

eventually, i have cried so much my eyes burn. and the sobs become dry. and my throat hurts.

when the sun comes up, my dad hears the news, too.

tears again. many, many tears.

we all go back upstairs to see her.


my girl is lifeless.

i have never seen someone i love like that.

not like that.

we all spend the next hour with her. and we, as a family, make the decision to take her body to the vet's. we don't want to bring back her ashes. 
that is just her shell, it is not the Stella that we loved.

my parents take her. i stay home with hans.

i cannot even begin to describe the feeling of wanting to run out that front door screaming to get Stella back when my parents drove away with her body. 

i knew i was never seeing her again.

when they get back, we have breakfast. but breakfast, lunch, and dinner all come with tears. the kind of tears that come from so much pain that your chest actually hurts.

that's how i've learned what real pain feels like.

it's that feeling, right smack in the middle of your chest.

i have learned that that is why they say your heart can hurt so much. it's right there and when it is in real pain, you feel it. you really really do. physically feel it.

Jesus was with us that day. He made it all work out so that my daddy could stay home from work. i stayed home from dance. we didn't do a whole lot of school.

we have all found that being around people is the best thing for us right now. because being alone makes us think of her.

still shocked today.

still can't believe she is gone.

sometimes, especially at night, when i am all alone, it does hit me. and i realize i will never see her again. never pet her. never see her stubby little tail wag. never see her ears perk up when we call her name or tell her "it's time for dinner".

that's when it hurts the very most.

or when i expect so see her somewhere. and she's not.

seeing her regular special little places all over the house empty.

that's hardest.

dearest friends,

i will be honest.

this week killed me inside.

and it still hurts to see her picture.

on monday, january 21st 2013, our sweet sweet Stella Snuggle Ostrander's time on earth ended.

she died with my mama with her the whole time. and an electric blanket wrapped around her.

her life changed mine.

she gave me so much love and made my childhood just by simply being around. 
she was my first dog. and she was my first real pet.

she was there when my daddy was sick and in the hospital with cancer. hans and i did our best to take care of her, which still wasn't enough, but she always took care of us. she gave us love. which was what we so desperately needed back then...

i remember the day we got her.

i remember driving home with her cozied up on my lap, with this big fluffy green ball that was more like a pillow than a chew toy. she loved that stupid thing.

and now, i cherish it like never before.

i remember taking her camping.

i remember taking walks every morning with her. and every evening.

i remember, when she was young, playing chase around the house until we were both out of breath.

i don't remember her ever growling at any one of us. or biting.

all i remember is a sweet, gentle, precious precious creation of God. 
she was so beautiful, inside and out. 
especially inside.

i would never have said that any animal had real "heart". but i know for a fact that that dog DID.

i have been trying- when i think of her- to think of the beautiful moments in time that i shared with her. try to think of all the wonderful aspects of her that i think sometimes only us, me and my family, seemed to see.

but that's what made it so beautiful, you know.

i would like to dedicate this post to my precious doggie,

who made my life that much more joyful. she took me on an adventure that no dog on this earth could have ever taken me on.

Stella means star, and she was definitely a very bright star in my life.

you will be missed, dear one. 
i love you to the end of the world and back.

thank you for being so wonderful to us.

with love,
your sister,
hannah. ♥

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