Monday, December 3, 2012

never still.

listening to learn me right by mumford and sons

i need to write.

i need to get out the anger. the hurt.

seems like there's always something new. seems like whenever i get comfy, all situated and happy, i just fall backwards again.

* * * * * * * * *

you lose someone. you gain someone. you get hurt again. i am tired of being hurt. i guess i've just never been in a real healthy relationship, so this is all i know. and i have these unrealistic expectations of what a true friend should look like.

then if that gets messed up, i panic. i don't want to get destroyed like i did last time.
cause last time almost killed me.

something i am trying to tell myself is that people will be a part of you for a certain amount of time. maybe forever, maybe only a couple of years. they stay for as long as they are meant to stay.
as long as Jesus knows you need them for.

this is something i have a hard time trusting Him with, though. my relationships. because of those seven years. for seven years, i had a friendship i thought was true. it was a friendship i thought was meant to be forever. but it wasn't. and when it finally broke in two, i was crushed.

maybe nothing i have today is meant to remain. maybe it is. i don't know. but i struggle with the idea that i may just have pain again.

and i don't want pain.

but pain is inevitable. it just feels like i can't be still. i am happy. then something happens. and that is just life. but i do wish i could find something true.

maybe i have found it. maybe i have yet to find it. maybe some things will be "true" for a little while, and then i might find something else for that season in life.

but i struggle. all the time. and this struggle is not over yet.

but in time, i think i will recover. bit by bit.

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