Tuesday, May 28, 2013

we'll win. because even when we were judged to the end, we forgave till the end.

i'm not a pro.

a pro at being a punk rocker or anything like that.

but i get what the real ones feel. what they feel every day. when it's impossible to walk through a grocery store without getting eye-balled. in a negative way. when you can feel all eyes on you. when you can literally feel the judgement.

the life of a punk rocker can involve a lot of hate. if you let it take it's natural course. because we get judged. and we get angry and hurt when people we love turn against us. normal. completely normal. it's okay to be angry. God doesn't expect anyone to never get angry. but He doesn't want us to stay angry. He doesn't want us to focus on the anger and what they did. He wants us to heal, and move on. and just accept that the people who don't accept us aren't going to change like we need them to. and after a while, i promise you, you do become okay with that. more and more each day. it's just about letting God have it all.

that doesn't mean i'm still never angry. i'll think that i'm boiling down sometimes. that i'm being forgiving. that it's getting better. but then something new always pops us. another stunt gets pulled, and i get hurt. always when i get judged. i get so mad again. and remember all the things they've ever did or said. it's then that i realize i never did heal. i never did really forgive at all.

i want to forgive. i want to learn what it means to completely, wholeheartedly, want to let go of my anger. and to not feel anything when it's all done. because lately, i've been a very angry girl. i have every reason to be angry, but not to hang on to it.

and i hate hanging on to it. i really do. i don't want to have all the anger and hate simmering, always ready to explode. like a time bomb waiting under my skin. cause that's what it feels like all the time. so when someone does come out and say something or give me a dirty look, the bomb finally does it's work.

* * *

lately i'd been thinking that the only way to finally be rid of all this misery was to be someone else. just be done with it all. because it had just become to much to bear. and i did try it. i went along with normal for about three days. and realized i hated it.

i've realized that my whole life, there will be people who accept me, and people who don't. people who love me, and people who hate what i do and so they don't like me. just because they don't understand what i do and why i do it. the reasons behind it all.

and i'm learning every day what it means to be okay with that. really and truly okay with that. not become angry every time i catch someone raise their eyebrows at me. because that's what i want. to walk confidently anyway, and at the same time, not hate right back.

i am miserable being angry. i don't like it. and i'm sick of it. sometimes i feel like, "it's their fault i'm angry! if they just would stop judging... !!!"

well i have a choice. i could lay around in resentment. or i could just brush it off.

i'm figuring out how it all is to brush it off.

to say, "it's okay you don't like these skinny jeans. or the fact that i listen to metal music. i am me. and you are you. and we are both beautiful in our own ways."

what is hardest is when the people i would consider to be "normal" come throwing stones. it's hard not to judge them. to hold back from screaming at them. because i could say- i would like to say, "you're normal! you don't express anything about yourself!" i could judge like they've judged me.

and lately, it seems like when i hang on to anger, i'm also judging them. because when you've been judged, it's hard to not judge right back. it's so hard not give in to that.

so dear punk rockers.

dear nerds.

dear brave hearts,

you're not alone.

and i get how it feels.

i get the pain.

i get the misery.

i get the hate.

i get the anger bubbling inside of you all the time.

i understand how much it hurts.

how you're ready to end it. throw away being who you are.

but don't. don't ever end it.

the only time you should ever change is if God is telling you to. never if a human is the one telling you to.

whatever is real to you is your own. even i might not understand it, but if it is special to you then that is all that matters.

but, still. there will be people who will judge you. and sometimes, people will hate you for you.

but even they need forgiveness.

and it's okay, i'm still learning this, too. i'm far from being a master at it.

but when we don't let go, we're no better than they are.

if we don't let go, it's 20 to 20. twenty of us being judged up against twenty judges. but if we can forgive, then it's like 20 to 1. twenty forgivers. 1 judge. because when we stand hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder in this thing, we'll win. we'll be the ones who wriggled free from normal. and we did the right things in the end. we became ourselves, and we forgave the haters.

and that is going to be better than holding on. so let's not care together. let's let go at the same time.

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