Project Feathers 2012 // Anonymous

Three years ago, my life changed. I didn't notice it at first, it was very subtle. But it grew. Three years ago, my innocence was taken. Gone forever, just by a simple holding of the hand, by a simple touch of the waist, by the simple caress on the thigh. By the simple light kiss on the cheek, and that was all it took, no more. The person was someone who i was very close to. All of those things may not seem like such a big deal to some people but i am one of those people who put a lot of meaning into little things. I was a girl who wants to feel wanted and loved, I was a girl who was lonely. But this person was someone who wasn't supposed to be doing these things to me. I was scared after a while, I wasn't sure if this was wrong or right, okay or not okay. He told me its okay, but was it? I was so confused, it was like I was trapped with a question, and there was absolutely no way out. I was scared of the person, because I thought if i told, I would get hurt or worse. My life was in pieces. The person began to date another person. I now knew it was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, all the way around, I should have know before, but my fear clouded my judgement. Finally I made it stop. I told him, "no, I don't want this to happen any more, no more." he said "okay" I saw that he too was scared. I was even more confused because I had always been taught to never tell on another person, besides, he had told me to keep it a secret. So I kept it inside for two years. For two long years the secret ate away at me. I became depressed, I no longer trusted myself or any other person. My family saw I was different and asked me always what was wrong but I kept my feeling bottled up inside me until I became bitter towards my family, until i was not me any more. my life had changed.

One day my mom sat me down and told me to tell her what was wrong, why I was so depressed, she said that it seemed that there was something I was not telling her. I denied and denied, then the tears came, I came up with a lie and told her it was school. That school was too much, that she and my dad it seemed, always expected me to excel in every aspect of school and that I couldn't take it. But I continued to be secluded.

Another time my mom did the same thing again because that's what moms do, they never give up on their children. This time I told her that someone had hurt me and that I was sad. She accepted this and I told her that I would take care of it. But I didn't. It wasn't until at a Church youth camp that I realized that this secret was Satan's way of ruling my life. That my not forgiving myself was separating my relationship with God, which is why I didn't have peace with myself. I confessed everything to my pastors' wife and then my parents.

I am absolutely not healed. I am still taking baby steps through the process of self-forgiveness and the forgiveness of him. God is showing me that there is more to life than my past mistakes. That I don't have to let my past rule my future and that when I allow that, I am not who God wants me to be. A happy, loving, FREE, girl who loves her Lord. God continues to work in me every day. I have recently become more open with my story by sharing it with my friends, I have found that by opening up and telling people it helps me to come to peace with myself just my talking about my past. God is amazing. A missionary who came to visit my church recently said that pain is the way we can get closest to God, that pain is how we build a stronger relationship with Him, when God takes everything away all we have to lean on is Him. It reminds me of the song, I Find You When I Fall Apart. The lyrics say "my whole world is caving in, but I feel you now, more than I did then. How can I come to the end of me and still have all I need. God I want to know you more, maybe this is how it starts. I find You when, You will find me when, I fall apart"

 Pain is God's way of drawing us closer to Him.
 This is my story.