and it's okay not to be okay.

i remember after my dad got sick three years ago, i felt somehow ashamed about my depression. maybe i felt like i had no reason to be unhappy, after all, i came from this family where there were two parents and they loved us and we were homeschooling Christians. there were never any real big problems in our lives.

but after my dad got cancer, that's when it all started, i believe. i felt very much alone if not abandoned. i remember when he was in the hospital for days, people would tell me how much Jesus loved me and how he was always with me and how i just need to trust Him. that was when i started to take steps away. i felt like when everyone else was seeing Him work through all this, i wasn't. in fact, i just didn't feel anything. and that was the whole thing. no matter how hard i prayed, i just didn't. and that made me turn into a very angry and hurt little girl.

during that experience, i also felt abandonment from the people i had always trusted who were supposed to take care of me. i felt like i was the one who ended up having to take care of Hans, which a twelve year old could not do by herself.

one night, my caretaker, hans and i took a trip to my own house to get some bags ready for hans and i. i remember walking into that house and it being in complete disarray. i panicked and somehow felt the "responsibility" to clean it all up and deal with it so that my parents wouldn't be disappointed in me.

after my dad came home and everything was "okay" again, i started becoming obsessive about my room always being clean. i was always sacrificing spare time to make sure that room was spotless. to this day, i believe that what happened when my dad was sick was what triggered that.

i believe it's what stirred up any resentment i feel today towards the couple of people who didn't do their duty of taking care of me and my brother. it made me start to be stingy with my trust.

what hurt me the most was how afterwards, everyone would just act like things were just perfect and amazing. but i was far from ever being perfect or amazing. i was hurt. extremely hurt.

the love that each person felt then? i never felt that. and it's just about killed me. i went about forever pretending to feel as everyone else did, and they all said it was such a "faith-growing experience". i felt like it took my faith down to the rocky bottom.

i remember one night, when my dad was in the hospital. all those nights i had spent crying for my mommy, who had to sleep at the hospital with my dad. we stayed with my grandma. i spent all those nights sleeping on the floor, crying myself to sleep. the one time my mom promised to come back home and spend the night with us, i had never been so excited in my life to see her. but then someone said they wanted her at the hospital.

i had never been so angry with one person in my life. i felt like not only was i losing one parent, but my other was being taken away from me, too. and all because that one person said that he really needed her there. and he did, he really did. but didn't anyone see how much i needed her, too? no, no i don't think they did.

* * * * * * *

one year later, i was still putting the "perfectly normal" act. but inside i was dying. 

one year later, my best friend and i walked away from each other.

and i quickly got to the place of finding myself wanting to end my life more than wanting to live it. 

i tried to tell some people about what was going on, but they would laugh and walk away. no one believed me.

but i knew i was depressed. today, i know i was. i was not a very happy little girl.

i believed that my brother and i had been through way too much. compared to most kids our own age.

i always got my value and worth from that friend of mine. once she was gone, that feeling of being wanted and loved went away, too. and then came the insecurity.

since then, i have struggled with knowing who i am and what my real worth is, and depression, and learning to trust people again.

* * * * * * *

i believe Jesus started healing me when i started this blog. He showed me who i was and what my true value was: priceless. He showed me how i could forgive ( and is still showing me ) and how i could turn my life around. He showed me where i could find joy and what is so amazing to me is how He has molded me into someone new along the way. He has given me new passions and dreams and hopes for myself for the future.

one big thing i ended up facing was how it was always okay not to be okay. i am learning to let my tough act down. and you know what? since i started learning how to do that, He took away my problem of needing to have things a certain way, like keeping a clean room. because i always knew it was a problem. and now i can see it was always just a control thing. i didn't have any control over my life ( or at least, felt like i didn't ), so that was one thing i could control.

it's gone now. in fact, my room is messy now more than it is ever clean. and i'm okay with that. sometimes i still struggle, and find myself going on a rampage to make it spotless again, but Jesus always helps me to take a step down and see how little it's really worth.

after my dad's cancer, everything in my life needed to be "perfect" because the truth was that nothing really was. and making my room clean was something i could make perfect.

i see now how Satan took a hold of everything back then. i remember being in such a pit that i believed i was never coming out of it. i knew i had serious problems, but i felt way too abandoned to even bother asking for a hand up. and frankly, i was very much done trusting people at this point.

i knew i wasn't happy. i knew it wasn't normal. i knew i was too young to cry as much as i did. i often found myself crying more than once a day about my life.

i was afraid of facing my life for over two years. i built up walls. i would just close my eyes and try to forget.

but one day, i found where i belonged. and one day, i learned to leave it all behind. i found the place where love remains. where there was no more living around in brokeness.

so i know you feel like you're alone, but you're not. and i know you feel like no one knows, but you're wrong.

so you've prayed. and you've waited. but don't worry, He will keep you safe. and you just have to tell yourself sometimes that it's okay not to be okay. because someday soon, He's gonna make you fine again.

i never felt like that day would come, but somehow, Jesus found His way to my dead heart. and now it's real and it's beating again.

and that is something that is so miraculous to me.

choosing joy,

hannah