Friday, July 27, 2012

when people stand and you sink

listening to: move along by the all-american rejects

when people think they are more important than you. like their role in life is bigger than yours. you are so small. less important. and they have to make a big scene about it. let the whole world see them and know their names. it's disgusting. and ugly. and it hurts most of all. to be put down again and again. i'm sick of how horrible teenage girls can be.

well it's show week. stress. hormones. you get the picture. everything that was already bad gets even worse come show week.

yesterday i stumbled across this quote by my favorite drummer, "I didn't decide to do this so people would look at me and know my name. I play drums for myself." - Chris Gaylor of AAR

this gave me some perspective. for months i've been struggling with self worth just because i didn't get a part this time around.

there were times yesterday i wanted to cry. but i put all my personal problems aside and put on my stage face when it was time to dance. no one says they noticed i was upset. but inside, i was angry and hurt and wondered why it always seemed to be people make their target. and my heart is where they seem to always aim. and i'm sick of it.

i can stick up for myself. i usually do. but yesterday things happened that were completely uncalled for and i froze up. other times when people would let the world know who they were in this show, i kept repeating that quote in my head. i didn't decide to dance so i would get all the big roles in performances, so people would look at me and know my name. i dance for myself, because it's what i love to do. it's a form of self expression to me. it's a key part of me. and i've been trying to keep everything i do for Jesus.

by the end of rehearsal, i had put all my emotions from backstage into my dancing on stage. this time, i found how it made my performance better. and it felt amazing.

when everything was over and we were packing up for the night, i was in tears. some asked if i was okay. i said i was. but i wasn't. how could i be, when fifteen minutes ago you threw me to the ground again? i'm tired of sinking when other people stand. that's all it is. i keep on moving along, though. and trusting Jesus's plan for my life. trying not letting their ridiculously bright lights block out mine.

i repeatedly pulled out the quote on a little note card yesterday. over and over, every time something was said meant to hurt me. i can't tell you how much having that little encouragement helped.

what's hardest for me is when the people push you down who love you. when they're supposed to help pick you up when others throw you down on the ground, they join in.

i'm heading back to the theater today, right back into the midst of it all. but i've got my ipod, with move along added to my favorites list, the drummer's quote, and Jesus. i'm set and ready. i'll be okay.

with hugs and kisses,


Anonymous said...

I feel awful about what "she" did! I am so sorry that I didn't do anything to defend you! I was just in shock that she would have said something like that and meant it! I just want to hug you right now and tell you that I am praying for you! I love you, Dear Girl! :)

ThePixie said...

You've got a great attitude. Anyone who's trashy enough to tear someone else down has some pretty serious issues themselves. But you're above and better than that. Keep dancing for yourself and Jesus, you definitely will be okay! :)

Amy said...

Praying for you to rest in the beauty and worth God has given you so nothing can shake it, nothing. I noticed you yesterday while watching from the audience. Honestly, you stood out in such lovely ways. Sorry the day was hard. Hope you'll have a wonderful time this weekend!

Rebekah said...

Hannah, I feel very much for you. I know this is an old post, but I just wanted to say that I understand completely how something like this feels. Know that even though it's tempting to want to be like or "just as good" as such girls, the words of our mouths only show the state of our hearts. Im sorry that you felt hurt. You are a very charming young lady and dancer in my opinion ;-)

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