because i'll always keep holding on

all i can say is one moment i was being notified that she had liked my status. a little later on, though, i find she unliked it. and i wonder and wonder why. i wonder if she hates me. i wonder if everything i feel from having to move on from what we had even effected her like it did me. i wonder if she ever cried herself to sleep, like i did. i wonder if she ever packed up our keepsakes, like i did. i wonder if she is cautious now to make real friendships, like i am. judging from photos i see sometimes, i don't think she is. and it hurts. like a knife. i often feel like the pain that came after wasn't very equally divided. like what i'm feeling is just so much, too much, for one person to bear so maybe she isn't feeling anything at all. or maybe she just moved on a heck of a lot faster than i did. maybe she's over it. while i'm still moving slowly along. it's taken me forever to heal.

these last couple weeks have been good for me, too. i felt like i was starting to think of her less and move along from two years ago. and i was feeling a little happier about it. and then she had to go and do it again. it brought me back there. and it killed me. i wonder sometimes if she hates me for everything that happened...

the worst is the not knowing.

i have to keep holding on, though. i can't give in and keep going on being sad and depressed about an event that yes, did change my life, but one that is going to make my future life better. i have to live a life and not live in the past. that was two entire years ago. she's not the same person, and i can see that from her facebook albums. and i am definitely not the same person. what happened has molded me in many different ways. it has made me cautious when i begin to get into a deep friendship again, because i know that after what happened last time, i don't ever want to be hurt like that again. and i hate feeling that way. but it has also made me discover who i am instead of depending on someone else to tell me who i am and what i'm worth, someone other than Jesus. and that's not the way it ought to be.

so although recent incidents have brought me back a couple of steps, i will continue to pick up the pieces and go forward. no one ever said leaving someone you loved that much would be easy. and believe me, it hasn't. it has been possibly one of the most difficult things i've ever had to go through, right up there next to my dad having cancer. and maybe one of the reasons i have the hardest time forgetting that is because she was there, up till the end, with me through even that.

much love.
hannah.