when the waves are taking you under, hold on just a little bit longer. He knows that this is gonna make you STRONGER.

i've spent the last few days understanding, or trying to understand, what it means to cling to God's hand. even when i don't know what's going on.

even when i have horrific nightmares.

even when i look in the mirror and don't like what i see.

i've been holding on. but a lot of the time, i have these things happen and i can't imagine why the heck He'd let them happen. to me. to anyone, really. because they're that awful. they're that painful.

but. stronger.

stronger is the word i've been writing all across my heart.

somehow, He knows that this is gonna make me stronger.

in the end, years from now, He knows the person i'll be. and i can be a better, stronger person because of this. if i let Him mold me into that person.

i've been told that i "inspire people".

well, maybe i do. maybe i don't.

but if by chance someone needs a hand up- a boost- today, here's something i want to say to YOU, then:

even when the waves are taking you under, precious,

hold on just a little bit longer.

because just 24 hours, even, can make a huge difference.

they are with me.

every day as i take a step back from the mirror, not look into it so much, and try to figure out what it is He is wanting to show me through all this, i am finding joy.

which is something i've been desperately looking for for the past couple of years.

even when it hurts, i'm still trying to find joy.

and i can find joy in the fact that i have dear friends to see when i get home from this trip away.

i can find joy that i am finding healing, slowly but surely, from losing my best friend. i always thought i couldn't do that, but i am. because of Jesus. all because of Jesus.

i can find joy in the fact that i am stronger, much stronger, than i was this time last year.

this time last year year i had a long list, and still do, of broken dreams. a list of people who didn't do their jobs in my life.

but God is showing me that all those things weren't necessarily what i needed. some things i don't necessarily need. and i don't need anything like i need Him.

and He is giving me what i need to get through each day, a step at a time.

He's giving me a reason every day to SING. and sometimes, that means singing anyway.

even after i have a bad dream and i have fear and i don't know how to cope anymore, He tells me that it is gonna make me stronger.

the nightmares will make me stronger.

like Dad's cancer made me stronger.

like losing my best friend made me stronger.

like all these insecurities will make me stronger.

somehow, and i don't know how quite yet, i want to let Him make me stronger through this.

* * *

so.

so let this make you stronger, beautiful.

somehow. i don't know you and i don't know what's wearing you down. but.

but it's all the same.

He knows that this is gonna make you stronger.

so, so much stronger.

heading out.

bye guys!!! i'll see you in three weeks! <3

xx. hannah.

three kinds of happy | reflecting on a good year.

been listening to::  what if we were real  | by Mandisa

- painting for a dear friend. i used to be big into making art with my momma, an amazing artist, but... you know. you get busy and caught up in everything else going on in your life that you don't make time to do these kind of things anymore. but i had a lot of fun making this for my friend so i might be doing it more often. (:

- packing for germany. i'm one of those weird sickos that finds it fun- yes, actually fun- to organize suitcases. it's my groove thang. don't judge.

- reflecting on this whole last year. last year before school started, i made up my mind to aspire to being a professional ballerina someday. i knew it would be hard. i knew it was going to involve me growing up a lot faster. making sacrifices. working physically harder than i had ever worked before. and it has. but when i first decided what i wanted, i didn't want to tell my dance teachers. i'd be a jerk and a big fat liar if i said i was at the top of my class back then. no. heck. no. just no. i was pretty bad. so i didn't want to tell my teachers what i wanted because i thought they'd say i couldn't do it. because i simply wasn't good enough. i wanted to wait to tell them when i was better. but, in the end, my mom and i told one of my teachers together. i've had her since i was four or five. and she surprised me.

she told me to go for it.

so i have spent the whole year "going for it".

and it was a good year. a hard year, but a good year.

i became a different person.

at the start of the school year, i wanted to look like a goth. so i did. i became that person.

i lost some dear friends over it. and it broke my heart. they judged me for my outer appearance. they didn't look at what was in my heart anymore.

i slipped back into depression.

i was angry, and i was hurt.

then some things happened to make me feel a fresh burden of shame and guilt. things i later learned i didn't need to feel. i had been believing lies for months. and it was all so crippling, i almost decided to end my life.

and that's another thing, i made a really amazing friend. someone i knew, but not really. i had known of him for three, almost four years. but things changed when i was at the end of my rope and needed someone to talk to. which was big for me. i hadn't trusted anyone in a long time. out of fear that they might leave. or that they might get to know me, and then run off in the other direction. which terrified me either way. so i just didn't want to try to make friends anymore. i was settling for being alone.

but i was so weighed down by everything collapsing around me that i decided to be brave. and thus far, this person had seemed pretty trustworthy.

so we met for coffee.

and. you know. he's pretty popular here on the blog.

he's the one i made the painting for.

and he's the best.

and i feel so blessed to call him my friend.

seriously, guys.

he doesn't judge. he listens.

so after i met him, i mean really met him, got to know him, things started to change.

i prayed for the first time in a long time.

and God showed me what i needed to do next.

the next thing to do was change. the outside of me.

that was when i stopped with my gothic fling. that was when i set it to the side, and said goodbye to it. it was time to move somewhere else. figure out who i was all over again.

i figured out who was real in my life. i mean who was going to stay. and be real with me.

i learned what it means to give someone grace. real and true grace. what it means to forgive. and i am by no means done forgiving. but it's getting better. it's getting better every day.

the most recent thing was a sudden panic.

when i realized i had someone coming back in again, that i was letting someone back in again, i panicked.

i didn't want to relive what happened before.

so i wondered.

i questioned the meaning of community.

that's how much losing someone stills terrifies me.

because i remember the pain.

and how long it took before- how long it is still taking- to move on.

but here's the thing.

moving on from this thing is becoming easier.

i don't really know how God's doing it, i just know that my heart is becoming more and more okay with accepting that my oldest friend isn't going to be my friend anymore. she hasn't been for a long time, but i couldn't admit that for a long time, either.

now i can.

* * *

so.

so it's been a year since all this newer craziness started up.

it's been a roller coaster.

a crazy mess, but a beautiful mess nonetheless.

there was hurt, yes, but there has also been new healing. slow healing, but it's still healing.

and healing is making me stronger.

when nightmares and panic strike, get on your knees.

listening to: britt nicole | straight for your heart

it felt like i was forgetting, or maybe just starting to.

move on, inch forward a bit. not a lot, but a little bit,

but. you know.

you have nightmares about it. you keep on thinking and thinking about it until the fear and the worry of what could happen takes you over.

i've lost sleep over it.

i haven't been able to dance like i normally do, because it's been on my heart.

i feel sick to think about the whole thing.

-------------------------

three weeks away is going to be good.

three weeks away to clear my head again.

three weeks to put everything and everyone i know in perspective again.

and when i come back, i think i'll be ready. i'll be a little stronger, maybe.

* * *

a couple of nights ago, i thought i was on my way to healing.

and i still am.

but you see, i kept on thinking about the past.

i kept thinking about things that hadn't haunted me in a while.

new feelings i hadn't felt before about these things began to emerge. anger. fear. but mostly extreme fear. crippling fear.

these last few days, i've cried more than i've smiled.

because so much is changing.

for the first time in seven years, my dad has a job.

and for the first time in ten years, my family and i are taking a vacation.

i have a new friend who is near and dear to my heart.

but at the same time, i've got a big past clinging to my shoulders. and it doesn't seem to want to let go.

* * *

i know, right now, that i'm never too far to find my way back home. and neither are the people who have hurt me.

it's just the letting go. it's the pushing the depression away.

and as i start to let more and more people in, i think more and more of the friend i lost a long time ago.

that makes me cringe. that makes my heart sink and stick to the muck at the bottom.

i keep coming across her picture more and more. and all it does is hurt.

so i think i know now what i'm working towards is being able to look at that photo of her, and not feel the pain. not cry anymore.

i can't imagine that. still, three years later, i can't possibly fathom it.

these days, one incredible conversation with a real friend is always followed by a thought or two of my oldest friend. who left.

and then i get scared all over again. i panic. i wonder if i'll go through it all again. and then i wonder if i'd make it if i had to face it all again.

then i question if it's all really worth it.

if community is worth the risk.

the risk of my paper heart.

the last few days have proved that it is.

i remember laughing out loud when i texted a dear friend and asked him to pray for me. he was at a restaurant. he said he'd go pray in the bathroom, though, so it'd "be more real". love that kid.

but the last few days have proved that it'll be okay. it just hurts right now. but i'll get through it.

my Jesus got me through it once, He can get me through it again.

that is all i know. and so that's what i have to keep my eyes fixed on.

i'm going on an adventure.

listening to: Come Back To Me by David Cook

it feels like- and it has been- a long time since my family and i took a vacation.

it's been eleven years since we went to germany. which are my roots, actually.

this year, just a couple of weeks ago, my dad graduated from residency. my dad completed the final step to becoming a doctor.

to celebrate, we're going to europe.

we're going back to germany in nine days.

words cannot possibly describe how utterly excited and happy i am to set foot on european soil.

we're driving to minneapolis, and then from there we're flying to reykjavik, iceland. we'll stay there a couple of days, and then flying on to frankfurt, germany. and that's as far as i know.

but i'm stoked.

no, i'm beyond stoked.

but i must say, i think i'm already missing home and my dearest friends.

three weeks away is a loooong time to be away from home.

but it'll be fun.

it'll be really fun.

and much has happened over the last couple of weeks, so it'll be good to get away. to think. to hit the refresh button.

so.

so, i'm going on an adventure.

and i'm pretty excited about it.

i'm sorry, i can't help it and i can't hold it in any longer: i kinda sorta really feel like bilbo baggins when i say that. that i'm going on an adventure.

but i am.

so.

so yeah.

xx and keep on choosing the truth over lies, love.

hannah

i'll be coming back home. watch me.

(pictures below taken by the lovely Chris, who took the trip to haiti with me :)

i remember getting on the bus for the last time.

i remember pulling away from those kids- from my kids- and feeling a lump begin to rise at the back of my throat.

i remember pressing my hand flat against the glass window closest to me and them putting their own, small, dusty ones against it from the other side.

i remember them running along side the bus as we slowly pulled away. i remember looking back over my shoulder and waving to them for as long as i could. not wanting to let them go yet. honestly, no matter how much time i spent with them, i don't think it would ever be enough to make me happy.

i remember telling myself, "i have to come back. no matter what it takes, i must come back."

and i remember most vividly, because i still feel it every day, the panic feeling of never seeing each of those sweet, shining faces again.

so i know i have to now. in order to stay sane, i have to.

* * *

i figured out i would be coming back to haiti on the night before my team and i would be leaving.

my small group and i were wrapping up our last evening together and we were sitting in a circle, holding hands as we prayed our final prayer.

i remember saying "amen!" with my group and walking back to my hotel room, sobbing.

i remember sobbing because i couldn't stand the feeling of leaving. there was this sickly, unsettling feeling already beginning to grow inside me. a feeling that told me i wouldn't be okay until i came back.

i wanted so bad to just fly the ones i loved back in missouri out to haiti. because i was happy there. and i hadn't felt that kind of joy that came from doing what i did every day in haiti in all my life. i didn't want to lose that.

so i remember thinking i could never be settled again. not till i came back.

and i still feel that way.

i still think of everyone back there every single day.

it's as if i had left family clear across the world when i took that plane ride home.

maybe because i had.

i remember already missing haiti when we hadn't even stepped on that plane that would take me home to missouri.

i remember taking off and wanting to get off more than anything else in the world.

i remember thinking my whole life through during that entire flight.

and how things were forever changed.

how i was forever changed, mostly.

things would never and could never go back to the way they were.

i couldn't go back to missouri and pretend that things were all good. that i was going back to my old version of normal.

because you can't visit haiti and come back thinking you're going back to your old life.
 
well i haven't cried about haiti since the week i came home.

but now, as i sit here, typing, all the memories and all the tears that come with them are flooding back.

and i realize how haiti impacts everything i do, every day.

it impacts how i feel a need to scrape every last piece of food off my plate now. how i feel guilty if i don't.

it impacts what i choose to say. because i'll never again say, "i'm starving". never ever again.

but above all else, it's shown me how much i can actually feel. how much this heart can actually feel. feel so much that it's like your heart is a time bomb and it's just a matter of time before your heart explodes.

because i've never felt love quite like that before. the kind of love that you want to give to everybody you meet. that's how it was there. that's how it was with everyone i ever saw in haiti. and that's how i want to live here, now.

i didn't know it was possible for my heart to love that much.

sure, i've loved my family. i've loved friends. i've loved a boy.

but this kind of love is the kind that convinces you to go back to haiti.

this is the kind of love that makes you want to adopt children one day.

this is the kind of love that makes you go crazy to find a job to get some money that will buy you a ticket. a ticket that will take you back home.

because i miss home.

and i plan on going back home, home to haiti, like any other kid who comes home to see his or her family.

to not go back would seem unnatural for me. like against my nature or something. because these bones ache. they ache to go back. they ache to go back and love like that again. love like Jesus does.

and if it was ever hard for me to imagine how our God loves, it isn't anymore.

fala and i at church on sunday morning.

it's okay to change your mind.

i missed haiti from the moment my team and i boarded the plane.

i was already missing my sweet kids. and all the other friends i had made in just that one single, yet amazing and completely life-changing week.

and when we got to miami, i felt out of sorts.

i didn't feel at home.

and when i was finally, really home in missouri, i felt like i should be back in haiti.

funny thing was, when i was in haiti, i didn't miss missouri like i thought i would.

i missed the people back here that i loved, but i didn't miss the hot showers like i thought i would. i didn't miss the vanity. because when i was in haiti, i didn't think about much makeup. i didn't think about what my hair looked like. or if i was covered in dirt.

and i liked that.

and i miss it.

and i am trying to bring what i learned back there back here.

but truth is, coming back to the states has been hard.

very hard.

i get frustrated when i hear people complain about little tiny things.

i feel guilty sometimes when i have what looks like too much on my plate.

but mostly, i just miss people back in haiti. back at my home.

and i want to go back.

and i know i'll have to at least go back every year.

because i don't want to lose touch. and i don't want to forget. and because i love it so.
so very much.

and- and these are big words for me to type.
 and i can't guarantee i wouldn't live there someday.

* * *

right before we left, my mom had briefly thrown out there that i might love haiti so much that i might become a missionary.

i looked at her like she was crazy.

the sound of it all didn't even appeal to me.

it was something that was for other people, but not for me.

but when i go back, now, and look through my pictures and see each of those sweet faces, i can't imagine not going back.

and i don't want to see them just once a year. i don't want to visit haiti just once a year.

that's not enough.

and i don't know what that means for me at this point.

i just know that i love kids.

and i feel that it's my duty to encourage them, and love on them.

and i've got this heart that's tugging towards haiti.

but i don't want to rule anything out, either.

i've got all these dreams and ideas for myself.

all i know is i have to, absolutely must, go back home.

home to haiti.

because right now, it's all that i think about anymore.

and this, i know for sure, is a part of God's plan.

choosing joy,
hannah

and happy friday, lovlies. (:

when we love the least of these.

just a quick little something for your day, and something that's been growing more and more in my heart every day since haiti.

xx. hannah.

how a heart can belong to two places // loving haiti

the night before i would begin the trek towards haiti, i was extremely nervous. i was shaking, and my mind was filled with all the "what ifs". what if i get kidnapped. what if i get rapped. what if don't come back. what if i am killed. what if my team members get to know me better, and think i'm weird. what if they don't accept me.

i was so focused on all the negative that could happen, that i wasn't even thinking about all the positive that would happen. that did happen. that, in the end, became a life-changing experience.

haiti is now my second home. and it's people, and each and every one of my fellow team members, are now my second family.

and those are words i feel so blessed to be able to type today.

our first flight was early on sunday morning, to chicago. from chicago we flew to miami, where we stayed over night.

this is rose. whom i dubbed rosie for the week. she is kinda sorta brilliant.

the following day (monday) we took our final flight on to haiti.

and when we finally hit the haitian ground, it was like being in different world.

different people, different places. different culture. different atmosphere. and a completely different sense of safety.

we hopped on the bus that drove us around for the entire week and started off to the site where we would be working. and it was then that we got our first real glimpses of haiti.

that colorful bus is called a tap tap. because you "tap" the bus when you want a ride.

this is susan.

this is paul.

one thing i later realized was how when we drove past the haitian people each day, you didn't ever just see people on the sides of the roads, like you do back home. at least for me, back home, i would always just see people. i didn't ever really identify them as all walks of life, all unique faces with special stories to tell.

in haiti, i did. we all did.

when we reached the work site, we first went inside the church where we would run both a medical clinic and an eye glass clinic. next to the church was a school, which a bunch of our guys ended up putting a roof on.

the church/clinics -

setting up the eye glass clinic.

my dad met this little boy through the window who didn't speak much english. so my dad pulled out his little haitian dictionary and began speaking to him.

the pharmacy. i was the pharmacist. (:

after day one of set up, we all headed to the hotel where we'd be staying for the week.
the view from me and rose's porch -

a couple of my team members discovered these critters in their own rooms -

we started off our first day of work (tuesday) by making a quick stop at the local pharmacy -

and when we reached the work site, i met these sweethearts on the front steps -

this is my girl, "Fala".

me and my dad's main work station at the medical clinic -

some of my dad's patients -

one of our team members, bruce, and some young teenage boys he met -

me and sweet "Gigi" -

on our way home from work either wednesday or thursday, we stopped at our translator's house and met his wife and brand new baby boy. we met these precious ones outside -

this is my bro, conner, and some of his boys.

this is chris, and just some of the many kids who mobbed her. she is a child-magnet with all her sweetness and stuff. she is so amazing. i love this woman.

he saw that i was taking pictures :)

joann.

at the work site: some of my patient's notes -

early on in the week, our team met a young mother who's precious baby girl was suffering from some serious health problems. she was old enough to be sitting up on her own, but couldn't. as a result, her mother had to lay her down on her back when she wasn't able to hold her. the baby also couldn't stand up on her own. she was paralyzed. so my team helped piece together a special seat for her, so that she could sit up and see the world around her for the very first time.

near the end of the week, we called the mother and her daughter back to the clinic so we could give her the seat and show her ways to stimulate her daughter's brain, hopefully to get her daughter's legs working over time.

in the end, this mother gave her life to Christ.

* * *

some of our guys got together and built a wooden frame for the seat, and some of our girls ripped apart a skirt to make a cover and straps:

rose, warene, and lauren. i love these ladies.

this is lauren. she was our seamstress.

this is the little girl. and this is mike and lisa.

mike. he is just a big softie.

the finished product. we were so proud.

after work each day, we would often spend our downtime at the beach -

proof that i love what i do. <3

my room number.

near the end of the week, we all took a trip to the market, which was basically like the haitian version of walmart. this trip turned out to be one of the highlights for all of us, getting to see how the people lived up close, not from the bus windows.

we exchanged our american dollars for haitian dollars, called "gourdes". i believe one hundred gourdes is like five american dollars.

pretty much everything we tried at the market tasted like fish.

my dad and mike both ended up buying hats.

that same afternoon, rose and i got to go outside the clinic and play with the kids that live around town and also go to the school that we put a roof on.

this is Cassandra.

the boys liked showing us how to be cool (above) and the girls loved to braid our hair.

lauren.

rose.

me and my girls.

on sunday we went to the church service held at the church we worked at all week. right after, we would have to say goodbye amidst many tears and hugs and kisses. and even more promises to return.

it was hard to say goodbye. and even now i get a little bit panicked when i think of not going back.

because you can never forget something that gave you so much to remember.

i feel so incredibly blessed to have been able to take the trip. to have grown so close to so many beautiful people because of it. to have had my eyes opened to how blessed we truly are here in america. to become more and more thankful each day that i am back home now. to have been able to see Jesus even in the bad and the dark and the evil. to have grown to love haiti so much. to have learned about how other people live and to get to experience a taste of it. to have been able to have helped so many. to have shown people how Jesus loves. how much He loves them. to even bring some to Him.

it is still amazing me every day how my heart can be split between two places:

kansas city, missouri.

and merotte, haiti.