four |

been listening to this.

(and this too.)

>> going on a little creating frenzy (above).

>> buying new pointe shoes. and then having dreams about their complete and utter loveliness.

>> planning two concerts in one month with some of my dearest, most hard-rocking friends.

>> this perfectly perfect video. be warned: (if you're a crazy-hormonal girl, like me) you'll probably weep uncontrollably.

when all you see in your reflection are mistakes and tears | God, say the words that heal my heart.

i hate mirrors.

i really, really do.

because every time i look into one- and i don't have to look hard- i see a hundred things that could be different. should be different.

lighter-colored eyebrows.

a smaller, straighter nose.

paler skin without scarring all over it.

bigger, brighter eyes that could be spread apart more.

and i would like to see straighter hair. calmer hair. not this natural mess on top of my head.

* * *

i had been spending a fair amount of time on the right path. as far as not believing lies and stuff goes. i had been believing the truth. i had been walking confidently. for a little while, i was trusting what God says about me.

but.

you know.

you notice how no one ever says anything about you. no one ever compliments you anymore. and you wonder why. and you panic.

you remember when someone told you you were ugly. fat. worthless, even.

and you look in the mirror, and you cry. you feel miserable.

you'd like to scream at God for making you the way you are. for making you who you are.

lately, i look at the professional dancers i wanna be like. and all i see is skinny, skinny, skinny. and it looks really good on them.

so i don't eat.

i lose weight.

and i'm still not happy with who i am.

i get it. i'm never gonna look different no matter how hard i try.

but that's hard to come to terms with.

it's so hard to accept that.

because i don't want to. so i get angry.

i wonder if anyone could ever love me for me.

not mind all the little mistakes all across my face.

and i wonder if they are mistakes.

if i really am perfect.

or if i'm not.

ballet can be a cruel, cruel world.

there's always something about you that could be better. could change. there's always something ugly about what you're doing.

after a little while, and it doesn't take long, that starts to wear you down to nothing. you learn what it means to hate yourself pretty fast. at least, that's how it's been for me.

but it's not just ballet.

it's the whole world.

it's my peers.

it's the way they look at you sometimes.

it's the things they say to you sometimes.

and you question why God put you here in the first place.

i've been questioning why God put me here in the first place.

why i only get a few quick breaks of happiness in between all the suffering.

so.

so i'm trying to find the words that will heal my heart.

i know what He says about me. it's never been about that.

but i also know what the world says about me, you see.

what ballet says about me.

it's just about choosing which one i am going to believe.

i'd be lying if i said i didn't doubt who God made me to be.

i doubt myself every single day.

i doubt my worth. i doubt my purpose. i wonder if i really have any value at all sometimes. or, if i left, if anyone would notice. or care.

right now, i don't know much of anything when it comes to knowing who i am.

so.

so i'm gonna work on that.

i know a lot of times i end posts by being all happy and positive and stuff, but right now, i don't know.

i'm just working on clinging to God on this one. because i don't know where i'm going, and i know He does.

because this is hard.

i've never struggled with my weight before.

but now i am.

i look in the mirror, and i don't like what i see a lot of the time.

and that doesn't even count how i feel when i look at my face.

so i'm figuring that out.

i'm trying to find some truth.

and that's really all i'm looking for right now.

but that's what genuine is all about, right? i think so.

i'm always looking for truth. in relationships. in being myself. in everything.

so this is just another thing to find truth in.

nothing's changed.

it's just another hurdle.

but i've gone through a lot of these. and because of Jesus, i've conquered them, too.

we've conquered them.

Him. and i. us.

so i'll cling to Him.

just like all the times before.

like every single time before.

He's never failed me, and He never will.

three kinds of happy | reflecting on a good year.

been listening to::  what if we were real  | by Mandisa

- painting for a dear friend. i used to be big into making art with my momma, an amazing artist, but... you know. you get busy and caught up in everything else going on in your life that you don't make time to do these kind of things anymore. but i had a lot of fun making this for my friend so i might be doing it more often. (:

- packing for germany. i'm one of those weird sickos that finds it fun- yes, actually fun- to organize suitcases. it's my groove thang. don't judge.

- reflecting on this whole last year. last year before school started, i made up my mind to aspire to being a professional ballerina someday. i knew it would be hard. i knew it was going to involve me growing up a lot faster. making sacrifices. working physically harder than i had ever worked before. and it has. but when i first decided what i wanted, i didn't want to tell my dance teachers. i'd be a jerk and a big fat liar if i said i was at the top of my class back then. no. heck. no. just no. i was pretty bad. so i didn't want to tell my teachers what i wanted because i thought they'd say i couldn't do it. because i simply wasn't good enough. i wanted to wait to tell them when i was better. but, in the end, my mom and i told one of my teachers together. i've had her since i was four or five. and she surprised me.

she told me to go for it.

so i have spent the whole year "going for it".

and it was a good year. a hard year, but a good year.

i became a different person.

at the start of the school year, i wanted to look like a goth. so i did. i became that person.

i lost some dear friends over it. and it broke my heart. they judged me for my outer appearance. they didn't look at what was in my heart anymore.

i slipped back into depression.

i was angry, and i was hurt.

then some things happened to make me feel a fresh burden of shame and guilt. things i later learned i didn't need to feel. i had been believing lies for months. and it was all so crippling, i almost decided to end my life.

and that's another thing, i made a really amazing friend. someone i knew, but not really. i had known of him for three, almost four years. but things changed when i was at the end of my rope and needed someone to talk to. which was big for me. i hadn't trusted anyone in a long time. out of fear that they might leave. or that they might get to know me, and then run off in the other direction. which terrified me either way. so i just didn't want to try to make friends anymore. i was settling for being alone.

but i was so weighed down by everything collapsing around me that i decided to be brave. and thus far, this person had seemed pretty trustworthy.

so we met for coffee.

and. you know. he's pretty popular here on the blog.

he's the one i made the painting for.

and he's the best.

and i feel so blessed to call him my friend.

seriously, guys.

he doesn't judge. he listens.

so after i met him, i mean really met him, got to know him, things started to change.

i prayed for the first time in a long time.

and God showed me what i needed to do next.

the next thing to do was change. the outside of me.

that was when i stopped with my gothic fling. that was when i set it to the side, and said goodbye to it. it was time to move somewhere else. figure out who i was all over again.

i figured out who was real in my life. i mean who was going to stay. and be real with me.

i learned what it means to give someone grace. real and true grace. what it means to forgive. and i am by no means done forgiving. but it's getting better. it's getting better every day.

the most recent thing was a sudden panic.

when i realized i had someone coming back in again, that i was letting someone back in again, i panicked.

i didn't want to relive what happened before.

so i wondered.

i questioned the meaning of community.

that's how much losing someone stills terrifies me.

because i remember the pain.

and how long it took before- how long it is still taking- to move on.

but here's the thing.

moving on from this thing is becoming easier.

i don't really know how God's doing it, i just know that my heart is becoming more and more okay with accepting that my oldest friend isn't going to be my friend anymore. she hasn't been for a long time, but i couldn't admit that for a long time, either.

now i can.

* * *

so.

so it's been a year since all this newer craziness started up.

it's been a roller coaster.

a crazy mess, but a beautiful mess nonetheless.

there was hurt, yes, but there has also been new healing. slow healing, but it's still healing.

and healing is making me stronger.

goodbye, blue eyes. goodbye, sunshine.

listening to:  goodbye by avril lavigne

i recently decided to start really saying goodbye to relationships that didn't quite work out. that weren't meant to be. and if they were meant to, well then they weren't meant to be for as long as i had hoped. so i was shocked when they didn't. didn't end happily.

i lost my best friend.

i've also lost a boy or two.

and i've been losing people lately who don't accept me anymore.

all really amazing people who i thought would stick around, but didn't. and when they didn't, my heart got broken over seeing them walk away without even saying goodbye.

so now, after years and years of lingering around in the pain and trying- but not really succeeding- to heal, i'm learning what it means to pack my own bags. and start taking real steps forward.

real steps away from missing them.

real steps away from wanting them back.

real steps away from crying.

real steps away from hurting at the mention of their names.

especially hers.

especially my oldest friend's name.

* * *

sometimes people get frustrated with me. say i've held on for too long. ask me why i miss my old friend like i do.

well i miss knowing someone like i knew her.

i miss knowing everything about someone like i knew everything about her.

and it bothers me, even now, that i wouldn't know the girl she is today. that i've missed out on three years of her life. that makes me saddest, i guess.

it makes me sad when it really sinks in that we won't be in each others lives ever again. because for years, we had planned on our children being the best of friends. and now i think it's finally sinking in that that just isn't going to happen. it just can't. and it won't ever.

i miss feeling freedom like that around someone. complete freedom and acceptance. when i was a bit of a tomboy, she loved that about me. we were the girls who ran around without makeup and went fishing every friday in the summer. i miss that. i miss those times. and i remember them all. i've relived them since she left so many times so that i would never forget. because forgetting used to scare me so bad. it still does sometimes. i wanted to know them- the memories- so well that i could paint a perfect picture on a canvas. so that there would never be a chance of forgetting.

but one thing i miss most is what life felt like back when we were friends.

i miss the world where there was no pain. when i was younger and didn't have any of these insecurities or worries or real problems. when i didn't know what real pain felt like.

i miss playing barbies with her.

i miss hearing her laugh and seeing her crooked smile with those blue and green braces.

i miss her, i guess.

she was a tomboy and an adventurer and creative and wonderful.

and all of that is what i'm trying hard, deep down, to let go of. wrestling with myself in knowing what is best for me, but also what hurts to let go of.

i never would have guessed back then that all this could have happened.

that i would have to lose her.

that my heart would snap in two so easily.

after that, it made me want to lock everything away and never be vulnerable again. keep it simple. keep it safe.

* * *

i remember flying home from haiti. and thinking about my oldest friend.

i remember wondering about the person i'd be if she was still here. if we were still pals.

i can't be sure of much, but i do know i'd still be clingy.

and honestly, she probably wouldn't approve of the girl i am today.

but since, bravery has done amazing things to me.

bravery sent me to haiti.

bravery made me aspire to being a professional ballerina and a musician and a singer.

bravery made me try new things.

bravery made me not be so legalistic.

bravery got me to step out of each one of my wide boxes. one step at a time.

and it still is.

i don't think i'd be nearly as brave if we were still friends.

so on a plane back from haiti, i remember thinking about her.

it's true, i do miss her.

and i don't want to feel ashamed or sorry for missing her. i lost my best friend. it's normal to miss that. anyone would.

but it's been three years, and i think it's time.

i think i'm ready.

i've got a good, safe place to go to now when the road gets hard and i try to move on. i've got better people in my life and i've got a pretty good idea of who i am now.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i've got many homes now.

i've got a home in God, first and foremost.

i've got a home in so many new friends.

i've got a home in my family.

and i've got this home in knowing that my worth and my beauty never came from a best friend in the first place. i was wonderful with her, and i am wonderful even now. without her. wiser. and stronger. alright to walk the world alone, if i have to. i've got God now.

that's what has changed the most in three years. that is the one thing i am most proud of.

choosing to move,

hannah

kinds of happy | 3

listening obsessively to the band Shinedown. i think i've found myself yet another favorite band... :)

• enemies
• second chance
• bully

i've spent the last year struggling with my pointe shoes. no pair of shoes seemed to have been able to accentuate my arch like i needed them to. well last week was the final straw. i could barely make it through class. my arches were cramping up, and my shoes looked like crap. i was crying. i was a mess. so i came home and dug through my shoe stash and found a pair that works like magic. MAGIC I TELL YOU.

only dancers will understand my complete and utter joy.

and chipotle for lunch. (:

choosing joy,

hannah

three kinds of happiness.

listening to: a good day | priscilla ahn

(a.) finally getting around to watching Le Mis. wow. i was completely blown away. left speechless.

(b.) getting moved up to the final level of ballet. it's pretty amazing now to look back at when i was a little kid and this was all i wanted. now, i've reached it. and i'm ready to start this new journey.

(c.) writing with Anna. and finding an opportunity to start recording!

happy memorial day, beautifuls. love you all.
hannah.

be you, and true beauty is going to follow // The Real Bracelet giveaway

individuality- or at least my own personal views on individuality- get a whole lot of... stuff.

stuff like judgement.

i can't even put into words how much it hurts to be judged. and to watch other people be judged. for what they believe. for their own personal decisions. but mostly, just for being who they are. staying true to who they know they are.

judgement has helped in the molding of me. the making of me. judgement was there to see if i would still stay true to myself. when it felt like the whole world was against me, it was always about remembering the only person who could ever completely accept me one hundred percent was Jesus. that He loved the fact that i was embracing this new me. this new me i was made to be. and i know now that this is the person i am supposed to be every day of my life. not every now and then or just when i feel comfortable being different. but every day. thanks to God, i finally know.

but, knowing doesn't always make it easier. i'd be lying big time if i said it was easy being yourself.

* * *

i think a lot of people tend to be afraid of things they don't understand. and a lot of times i tend to think people are judging me, when they might just be a little afraid of how different i am. which is okay, and it's expected. especially if they've known me since i was a little kid. i've definately changed a lot since then. but sometimes we have to determine whether it's judgement, or just the fear of the different.

but the reason i think i often jump to the conclusion that someone is judging me is beaucause every day, when i step out of my house and into the world, wearing dark makeup and skinny jeans and black nail polish, i'm already on edge. i'm tense and nervous, and i don't know what people will think. or worse, what i'll hear them say. i'm happy with who i am, but i can honestly say i'm not completely sold on all of this yet. i love it, and it is a part of what makes up me. but this is different. and as much as i love and embrace different, i'm still adjusting to it all and accepting the fact that i might not be embraced by everyone for it. i guess you could say i'm still just afraid of not being loved. i guess you could say there's still wounds to be healed.

so i'm learning to let go of what people think of me. let go of the need to have their approval. and hold on to God and cling only to what He says about me. what He says about all of us who are daring enough to be the people He made us to be.

* * *

i've recently received a couple of emails. with words that hurt. i think we can all say that we know how much words can hurt.

i've been told i look dark.

i've been told i'm sinning.

i've been told i'm a bad example.

but really, i stand for individuality. i stand simply for being the person God created you to be. and holding nothing back. because i think a lot of people say they want you to be yourself, but in reality when we do become ourselves, they think it's all just too different. maybe what they say goes something like this,

"you can be you, as long as you don't stand out."

i thought we were supposed to stand out, though? if we blended in, doesn't it defeat the purpose? shining is our purpose. and we're all gonna shine different. none of us outshine one another, but we all look different. we all are different. this is what i try to get across in the way i dress.

well some of us like to wear sweat pants. some of us like to wear black skinny jeans. it's whatever you want for yourself. it's whoever you know you need to be. and i think that doing whatever it is you need to do is the best thing you could ever do for yourself.

my own way of self expression is not only through my clothes, but through music and through dance. but those are how i do things. those are some of what God placed on my heart to love. to make up me.

i have a dear friend who absolutely loves obsesses over the tv show Dr. Who. this show has become such a big part of her life. she's passionate about it. and i love that about her! it's something that she found expresses who she is. and i love watching her be unafraid of what people will say about her crazy fandom. because sometimes i don't understand it, but it's what she loves. and i love my friend, so i choose to love this perfectly beautiful, unique part of her. it's a piece of her tender heart that i love getting to see shine bright. to see glow.

"you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious, the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse."  - philippians 4:8

when i read these words, i look at what i try to do. what i try to express in how i dress and in the kind of music i choose to listen to. because what i do may come across as a bit dark to some people. but it's only because they haven't dug deep enough to find out who i really am. and why i do what i do.

and what i am is a girl who doesn't like black nail polish because she was depressed. she wears it because she figured out, through the depression, who she really was. what she really liked. and these are the things that i like. through a lot of self discovery, i found out what i was passionate about. and passion is unique. so this is unique to me.

i don't have it all figured out yet. i really hope that no one ever thinks i do. cause i don't. every day i am learning more about this person i am becoming. i can't wait, though, to see what i'm like in the end. and in the end, i think that all the stares and all the words that burn will be worth it. i know they will. because thus far, they have been. i wouldn't take it all back. ever. sure, there are hard days when i wonder if it's even worth it. but being original is being obedient to God, too, i think. acknowledging that He made no mistake when He created the perfectly wonderful you.

all i want- all i have ever wanted and will ever want- for each of you is that you find yourself. and that then, you would find the strength to be yourself. the strength that comes from God. the strength to go into full bloom.

so i want to give you something.

so i'm having my first giveaway.

i started manufacturing these bracelets a couple months back, but haven't had the time to get an online shop up and running. so until that actually happens, i'm giving away a handful of them.

they are pink, silicone wristbands that read "genuine" on the front and "always choose real" on the back side.

i have my own bracelet. and whenever i wear it, it's a constant reminder for me to not be afraid of who i am. to always choose real. to be all that this blog stands for. to be all that hannah is and all that makes up her.

and if i could, i'd take your hand in mine and press this bracelet into your palm. i'd say "i hope this helps. i hope this helps you to always stay strong. it's making me stronger all the time. and i want that for you. and i know you will find the strength to do that. there's no doubt in my mind that you will find it."

i'm giving away five of these bracelets. and i pray that whoever gets them will be blessed by their message. so, if you want the chance to own one, here's how to enter:

• comment, letting me know you'd like to enter for a chance to win The Real Bracelet. also, tell me a little of how you've applied being genuine to your own life.

and that's it! simple as that. i am so super stoked about these, guys. i hope you are as pumped as me!

i love you all. know that i am always praying for the finding of your own individuality. for each of you. because i know that the real you is worth praying for. that none of it is ever a waste. because you're not a waste, you're beautiful. and you won't be shaken.

choosing joy,
hannah

*giveaway ends may 25th

6 kinds of happy | updates on where i am.

via Hayley Williams.

via the band All Time Low.

• focusing on this quote ^^

• orange nails, like the lovely miss Hayley Williams. <3

• writing and piecing together songs with my band. i'm not sure how much i've actually mentioned about the band, or if i've even officially told ya'll what we're called. well we recently labeled ourselves as Society's Errors, and we are pretty spanking proud of what we've got going. :) i sing, and my dear friend Anna plays piano like a boss and also sings. we *thought* we had two other members on board, but it turns out they just weren't the right fits. so at this point we're just praying that God will bring along who He wants us to be in this thing with. hoping He'll find the perfect fits for us.

• trying to find a way to come up with money. money that will go towards flying me back to haiti next year. but here's the thing: i need 2,000 + dollars. so i'm looking for jobs like a crazy person right now.

• preparing for a dance recital. the recital itself is a charity benefit for sexually abused children, and it's this weekend! i'm super stoked!!! especially because the next day marks the beginning of Giant Sale week...

• twice a year, my church puts together a massive hulk-sized garage sale. some of what we earn goes towards our trips to haiti, so this time around it means so much more to me. it'll be that much more near and dear to my heart. i'll be working all week to pull this thing off, so i might not be seen much around here. but with Giant Sale week marks the six month anniversary of the life-changing For King and Country concert!!!! (*squeals and blushes uncontrollably*) HOLY BEANS. it seems like just yesterday i met JOEL AND LUKE SMALLBONE, guys. i seriously can't believe it!!!

 ------------------------------------------

well dear faithful readers,

i love you all so flipping much. but as most of you know, the past couple of weeks have been extremely challenging for me to get through. i've been sorting through a lot of things like healing and defining relationships. and so much good has come from all of it, but i still need time to keep on thinking.

on the brighter side of things, however, i've been having more and more motivation and inspiration to start writing about haiti. so the plan at this point is that when Giant Sale week is over, i'll start this process of telling you all the stories. introducing you to all the special people i met and got to know so well on that trip. all of those who are like my family now. they're all these special, irreplaceable people i feel like i could go to with anything. and i love that. and i want to tell you all about each of them.

so if you could wait just a little longer, it'll all get here. this time of me processing things has been good. and you all are so sweet to be so patient. love you guys to the moon and back.

♥

choosing joy,

hannah.

i made myself a bed at the bottom of the blackest hole.

i was recently putting together an interview for a dear friend's blog.

when i was asked to tell a bit about myself, i thought of how i am a dancer. and how i love music.

and then i thought of all the sad days.

those times that i spent at the bottom of the blackest hole.

because those days, they are a part of me. they are my testimony. so i felt the need to type them out there.

it was the first time i've ever been interviewed on another blog, and having my own words on another page was somewhat, i'll admit, intimidating. especially since i was basically screaming, "Hey there! My whole life has not been a fairytale. I have been really, really sad before. And it is something I still struggle with. I'm not perfect, I've got this big flaw called anxiety."

somehow, after a while, admitting my struggles with sadness and insecurity doesn't become hard anymore. it gets to the point where you feel much more comfortable sharing it all.

which is good, it's great! don't get me wrong.

but having my words written all over a strange place scared me a bit.

it was like the first time i told the world through my own blog that i hated what i saw in the mirror all those months back.

* * * * *

what i have come to realize through blogging is that my struggles are no accident. they happened to me so that someday i could recover and heal and then tell the others looking for hope that there is a way out. help them up in whatever way i could. they would have someone who understood all the feelings.

i was always angry with God for sticking me in the places that i had ended up. but after a while, after some healing, your eyes get opened up for the first real time.

* * * * * 

so, if my entire three years spent wandering can even bring one person back home to our Father, than i say it's worth it. even if it hurts to go back there, back to the darker parts of the woods. even if it's scary to look the monster called sin in the eyes.

if all of it can just end up saving one soul, 

then it is completely worth it to me.

choosing joy. today.

hannah.

5 // (but mostly concert ticket joy)

listening to Part Of Me by Katy Perry

• getting my ticket to the conference where For King and Country will be performing next friday!!!  (: (: (:

• graham crackers and chocolate frosting

• learning to let go and let God

• first week back to dance since december

• finding out that my dear dance teacher Rachael is pregnant <3

 xxx!

hannah

>> three.

• taking my last history test before Christmas (*happy sigh*)

• thinking about trying to break dance. i'm just waiting to pull out my moves in front of some random, serious person.

• finding my song for the new year.

happy friday, lovlies!
xoxo! hannah

four happies.

via facebook.

downloading For King and Country's new Christmas single!!!

cherry limeades.

my fingers beginning to get callused from playing Wheeler too much. cracking, and then blistering. but it's okay. i consider them as my marks of honor. i am so proud. ;) so... yeah. basically i consider my pain something to be happy about. wow.

the sweet little girls i help teach ballet to.

hugs! hannah

and i know i will love them all forever.

listening to: parachute - forever and always

yesterday, mummy and i were driving in the car. taking a meal to our pastor and his wife who have just had their first baby. i thought about when i would have my own family. and then, i realized how much i think about that.

how much i think about what would probably be the next step towards that for me.

which would be finding my honey. my man. my hubby.

i found myself realizing how much i think about what he will be like. what his personality will be like. what he will look like. not about how handsome he will be, but innocently, just what he will look like.

it's funny how often i am thinking about my future. all the time. constantly. constantly thinking about who i will become and what i will do.

i wonder whether i will produce music or teach dance.

i wonder how many babies i will have.

i wonder when it will all begin.

so as weird as it does sound, i am excited for it all begin. i am looking forward to meeting my husband, meeting my children.

it's like i love them already. though i don't know them and my kids don't even exist yet, i am already stoked to get to know their dear little hearts.

truly. it will be a beautiful, beautiful thing to look back on these words when i am a wife and a mommy. when i'm carrying my baby girl or baby boy. whoever i end up with, they will be loved.

joy,
hannah.

it was never that you weren't enough.

you are. i am betting it was just that no one can see your talent. no one can see your obvious passion for what you do. and they make you feel small. like you aren't worth being the star of the show or having your own violin solo.

it feels like it's raining. and it's gonna keep on raining for days and days.

you try to figure out why. why Jesus would give you a dream to reach for and then not let you even touch it. it's frustrating. it can even make you angry. and jealous of people you once called a friend because they can have what you can't.

sometimes it feels like there is a handful of people that are just chosen for all the greatness. they are meant to be the best. they were born to be better than you. to beat you at everything.

but they weren't.

you are meant for greatness, my dear. i know the days where you find yourself searching to be amazing at something and it just feels like you can't. because what you want to do isn't coming together. but chances are that if you love something, you were meant to do it.

i love singing. i love dancing. hence, i know i was meant to do both of those things.

sometimes, you may feel like you lack the talent just because you aren't being seen or recognized by anybody.

no. it's probably just because there's someone who for whatever reason stands out more. their light isn't brighter, though. yours can be just as bright, you know, if not brighter. in fact, i know it already is. you just gotta let it come out of it's box and shine everywhere and let people watch you shoot across the sky. like a firework.

remember that you aren't always created to have everyone knowing who you are just by a glance at your face. you don't always need to be known.

what i am trying to say, i suppose, is that just because you aren't getting your big spotlight moment today doesn't mean you will never get it. and it never means that you don't have the potential to do it.

because i believe in you. and so does He. so there you are, dear. now go and empty your box of all of it's sparks worth turning into a blazing fire.

joy,
hannah.

because early risers and dancers need their energy...

hope you all are having a fantabulous week!

hugs!
hannah.

to conquer.

i am a dancer. i am insecure. and let me just say that those two do not work well together. at all. in fact, i believe nothing could go together worse.

to be a dancer means to express yourself through movement. when you are insecure, you worry about what you look like in the mirror or to other people. and as a dancer, i can't fully express myself with all of this weight of insecurity on my back.

it's extremely frustrating to watch all of your classmates nail an emotion. but you can't. you just can't. and it's embarrassing. your heart feels heavy because you know you could do this at home, alone in your bedroom. but not here. here, you feel exposed and judged.

and if there is anything i have learned through hundreds and thousands of times of trying and failing, it's that you have to pull through each day to conquer your fear. because that's what it is for me, fear. the fear that i won't be good enough. that i won't be able to take a hold of my dream.

i fear the judgement from other people because i know the pain that comes with it. that feeling of worthlessness and being a disappointment to someone else.

fear has had years and years of eating away at me until there's nothing left but a girl who is tired of crying over and over again after a dance class.

it's a hard hard thing, the choice to attempt to face your fear. and i still have yet to try it. but i know i can, i know it is possible. i know that if i just work past the fear, everything will work the way it should. and then i can be free.

it's always darkest before the dawn, you know. and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back.  

so shake it off.

choosing joy,
hannah.

 p.s. watch this:

six kinds of happy.

- plumcots

- black by kerri kimmel

- first week of dancing again

- online vocal lessons

- watching season 3 trailers for hans and i's favorite zombie apocalypse tv show :)

- and lots and lots of excitement for the new things yet to come! be looking forward to them!

with hugs and kisses,

hannah.

// five kinds of happy //

velveteen rabbit cast party // chocolate rice crispies // watching pride and prejudice with my momma // three day weekend // 

and big things yet to come for this blog! :)

hugs!

hannah.

yo, september.

( forgive my punkish title. i just had to. )

i've been really looking forward to september. one, because it's always the month in missouri when we get lots a lots of rain. and this summer was ridicoulously dry. so i'm looking forward to some of those rainy days. two, it's when dance classes start back up again. and i can't tell you how much i've missed being over my toes and seeing my bestest buddies!!! three, my aunt and my cousins are coming to stay with our fam for a couple days, and I LOVE MY COUSINS!!!

so... yeah. hello, september. you're gonna be a fine one. :)

with hugs and kisses,
hannah.

hello autumn

hello school // hello cool breeze // hello new dance classes //

hello skinny jeans and converse // hello pumpkin spice 

// hello hot cocoa  // hello orange and red and yellow leaves

// hello halloween.

hello, autumn. you are my very favorite season.

much love

hannah