three kinds of happy | reflecting on a good year.

been listening to::  what if we were real  | by Mandisa

- painting for a dear friend. i used to be big into making art with my momma, an amazing artist, but... you know. you get busy and caught up in everything else going on in your life that you don't make time to do these kind of things anymore. but i had a lot of fun making this for my friend so i might be doing it more often. (:

- packing for germany. i'm one of those weird sickos that finds it fun- yes, actually fun- to organize suitcases. it's my groove thang. don't judge.

- reflecting on this whole last year. last year before school started, i made up my mind to aspire to being a professional ballerina someday. i knew it would be hard. i knew it was going to involve me growing up a lot faster. making sacrifices. working physically harder than i had ever worked before. and it has. but when i first decided what i wanted, i didn't want to tell my dance teachers. i'd be a jerk and a big fat liar if i said i was at the top of my class back then. no. heck. no. just no. i was pretty bad. so i didn't want to tell my teachers what i wanted because i thought they'd say i couldn't do it. because i simply wasn't good enough. i wanted to wait to tell them when i was better. but, in the end, my mom and i told one of my teachers together. i've had her since i was four or five. and she surprised me.

she told me to go for it.

so i have spent the whole year "going for it".

and it was a good year. a hard year, but a good year.

i became a different person.

at the start of the school year, i wanted to look like a goth. so i did. i became that person.

i lost some dear friends over it. and it broke my heart. they judged me for my outer appearance. they didn't look at what was in my heart anymore.

i slipped back into depression.

i was angry, and i was hurt.

then some things happened to make me feel a fresh burden of shame and guilt. things i later learned i didn't need to feel. i had been believing lies for months. and it was all so crippling, i almost decided to end my life.

and that's another thing, i made a really amazing friend. someone i knew, but not really. i had known of him for three, almost four years. but things changed when i was at the end of my rope and needed someone to talk to. which was big for me. i hadn't trusted anyone in a long time. out of fear that they might leave. or that they might get to know me, and then run off in the other direction. which terrified me either way. so i just didn't want to try to make friends anymore. i was settling for being alone.

but i was so weighed down by everything collapsing around me that i decided to be brave. and thus far, this person had seemed pretty trustworthy.

so we met for coffee.

and. you know. he's pretty popular here on the blog.

he's the one i made the painting for.

and he's the best.

and i feel so blessed to call him my friend.

seriously, guys.

he doesn't judge. he listens.

so after i met him, i mean really met him, got to know him, things started to change.

i prayed for the first time in a long time.

and God showed me what i needed to do next.

the next thing to do was change. the outside of me.

that was when i stopped with my gothic fling. that was when i set it to the side, and said goodbye to it. it was time to move somewhere else. figure out who i was all over again.

i figured out who was real in my life. i mean who was going to stay. and be real with me.

i learned what it means to give someone grace. real and true grace. what it means to forgive. and i am by no means done forgiving. but it's getting better. it's getting better every day.

the most recent thing was a sudden panic.

when i realized i had someone coming back in again, that i was letting someone back in again, i panicked.

i didn't want to relive what happened before.

so i wondered.

i questioned the meaning of community.

that's how much losing someone stills terrifies me.

because i remember the pain.

and how long it took before- how long it is still taking- to move on.

but here's the thing.

moving on from this thing is becoming easier.

i don't really know how God's doing it, i just know that my heart is becoming more and more okay with accepting that my oldest friend isn't going to be my friend anymore. she hasn't been for a long time, but i couldn't admit that for a long time, either.

now i can.

* * *

so.

so it's been a year since all this newer craziness started up.

it's been a roller coaster.

a crazy mess, but a beautiful mess nonetheless.

there was hurt, yes, but there has also been new healing. slow healing, but it's still healing.

and healing is making me stronger.

but this is not for you, this is for Him and it is for me.

these last few weeks turned into months very quickly.

they were months when i would get dressed every day and look in the mirror and ask, "who am i?" because i felt like something was about to change. i couldn't understand it. couldn't word it. but something was just different. and i didn't know what it was yet.

then, suddenly, i figured it out over these last few days.

i had changed.

i had recently gone through a lot. i made a new, true friend. i healed so much.

and i had changed.

from the inside out.

* * *

i've always known i wouldn't be this punk rocker forever. i knew i would change into another person. grow as i took another step towards who God ultimately wants me to end up as. who He wants me to be. i just didn't think it would be this soon.

when i figured out that i wasn't meant to be a somewhat gothic-looking rock star anymore, it broke my heart at first. i felt like for a little while now, i had just been doing all this for the shock factor. because i was angry. so, so angry. i was angry that people who claimed to love me were judging me for going a different route with my life. wearing darker makeup. painting my nails black. so i continued to only do things to get back at them. get even. which is what i never wanted this to be.

recently, God told me it was time to change again. when i asked Him what that was going to look like, He answered with something i hadn't done in a long time. something that looked like what i considered to be "normal". a foreign concept to me. a foreign way of life.

at first, it broke my heart. and it was like a death in a way, too. the death of me.

so here it is.

i'm not a rocker anymore.

i don't feel the calling anymore to be that person. i learned much while growing into that person, but that's just not me. not today.

and you know what? it's okay.

i'm not being any less genuine. i'm simply changing. which is what i always hope to be doing.

i'm not becoming someone else because life simply got too tough to bare. the haters were never more than i could take. but i knew i just couldn't continue on being someone that God was telling me it was time to put on the shelf.

not because who i was was bad. or because what i was doing was sinful, but because i am growing. i'm older. and much has happened to mold me into someone new over the past couple weeks. especially over the past couple of days.

* * *

so here's the story.

i am still me.

my heart has not changed. that never will. i will always strive for nothing more than individuality. it just won't be expressed in the same way. i'll probably look more calmed down.

and i still want each of you to be who you are. i still want you to be as genuine as possibly possible.

because i am still genuine, too.

but people change.

and i have changed.

and i don't want this to be sad anymore. i want this to be happy.

it's taken different experiences, different people, to bring me to this place. this wonderful, beautiful place of figuring out who i am all over again. the place where i have to rely on God completely.

and i am glad to be moving forward.

this is moving forward. right here, right now.

it's not a betrayal to my hard-rocking friends.

and i still may get a tattoo or two some day.

but i am different now.

and that's okay.

but i change for me, and not for the haters.

and chances are, the haters might not hate on me so much once they read my words and see a more normal-looking person start to emerge.

but this thing. this whole thing has shown me much.

it's shown me who my real friends are. who will always love me for me.

it's shown me what it means to be genuine. to be really and truly REAL.

it's shown me that i am beautiful, no matter what people tell me.

but most of all, it's changed the way i look at the world. the way i look at people. because now, i look at each and every one of them as walks of life.

these days, i see nothing but beauty when i see the mohawk. and the skull tattoo. the painted nails. the neon skinny jeans. the guy with the eyeliner. i see it, and i appreciate it more than they know.

because any Christian can say they are genuine simply by believing different than the rest of the world.

but it takes guts to put on something funky, and i mean REALLY funky, and walk out that door into the world. because then it's visible. it's something everyone sees and can judge and snicker at. but those are the bravest people, in my opinion. they are unashamed. they are the ones i have the utmost respect for.

and i cherish that.

* * *

i look different now.

people can tell.

the black eye shadow isn't there.

i don't wear all black. i wear more color.

my nails don't even get painted very often.

and it's not bad. i like it. i feel beautiful.

but the other stuff wasn't bad, either. i was beautiful then, too.

that was simply me, for a period of my life.

but now i am someone different. someone new.

i'm not choosing to be normal or less genuine. i'm simply letting God take control. and that was hard. it was so hard to let go of what He's been piecing together for a very long time.

but He has a perfect plan.

and i know now that this is just a small fraction of it.

and it is beautiful.

because it will never matter in the end what i put on my body.

it's just a shell.

what's on the inside is going to be what counts. at the end of it all.

it is what counts.

so here's to moving somewhere new. 

here's to lighting it up again and pursing what this blog is all about.

being who we were created to become.

and i was created to sit here, and write for you.

the last few days i thought about giving up on genuine through many hardships and endless struggles that seemed impossible to overcome.

but i have overcome them.

still, i am getting through them.

and i can see the light.

and in the end, i'm meant to be here. and still find a meaning to write. a reason.

that reason is to give you hope, beautiful.

and i'm not giving up that easy.

this is why i'm free. and i'll never compromise ever again.

listening to:
this is who i am | by colton dixon

in five days, i will be sixteen.

and it's weird.

usually, i'm all ecstatic for my birthday to get here and i'm crazy and uncontrollable and everything makes me happy and smiley.

but this year, i'm calmer.

i'm still excited, but just calmer.

i'm only one year older.

but so much has happened in a year.

so much has happened in me in a year.

* * *

one year ago i didn't know who i was or what i was becoming.

i was judgemental and harsh. unforgiving. unloving.

one year ago, i was hurting.

one year ago, my worst enemy was the mirror. and myself.

i hated myself without makeup.

but i hated all of me, too.

i couldn't find a place that i really belonged.

and i didn't understand that i had family. that i had friends.

i still felt like i never quite fit in. anywhere.

when i'd be somewhere where everybody in the room seemed to be getting along so well, i felt distant. and i felt unwanted.

when people ask me today, "what changed?" i always say, "God changed me."

but along the way, He gave me so many other people that helped to change me, too.

i discovered about this time last year that i wanted to look different. but i didn't know what different looked like for me.

so God gave me rock bands. He gave me their songs to get me through the hard days. when i needed to look up to someone who was really, truly genuine, He gave me those rock bands.

some people look at my love of rock bands and think i'm just another fangirl. that i just like the guys in the bands because they're hot and stuff.

but no.

i love them because once, like me, someone told them they were doing the wrong thing. like me, they've been judged. they've been shoved around just for being who they were. like me, they tried and tried to stay strong and believe in who they were. and all i want is to end up like them: to succeed.

i look up to them because most of them are in their thirties, and married, have kids, and are still themselves. they never lazered off the tattoos. still dye their hair black and blue. still tell the world every day, never apologizing, that this is who they are. and they give people the option of loving them or hating them. but they never change for people.

that's why i look up to rock bands.

that's why i want to meet so many of them someday.

that's why i want to hug them and tell them they helped make me into the girl i am today.

that they helped me out of the pit of depression.

that, in essence, their perseverance saved me.

that they saved me.

* * *

this is why i'm free.

and i know why i'm free.

people have tried to tell me it's stupid to look up to rockers like i do.

but i disagree.

i'm free because i found myself.

and i found myself because i looked up to hard rocking bands.

a year ago or two, i would have judged them for expressing themselves like they do. back when i was legalistic and immature. and had a heart breaking in two.

but here and now, today, they are the people i look up to most.

once i stopped judging, and started listening, and then began believing, i was set free.

God knew who and what it would take to create me into a free spirit. a girl who let go of perfection and of what people thought of her, and sang her heart out.

and it took rock bands.

it took these really incredibly beautiful people that i've never even met.

but people i could never thank enough.

people who have made me want to never compromise ever again.

never settle for normal or the easy way out.

because time and time again i have settled for what is easy and what is gonna keep me out of trouble.

but it is these people- these hardcore rockers- that, whether they know it or not, are the ones who give me a hand up to stand up and tell the word that this is who i am.

* * *

so in five days, i will be sixteen.

and i'm looking forward to it.

another step in the journey.

another year older.

and i'm wiser.

and happier.

and more free.

much, much more free.

when the line is fine. and hardest to walk on. still you must be brave, and run.

lately i've been riding the dividing line between being the friend and enemy of some people. people i guess i thought would be the ones to stick around. but once i changed my mind and made myself a name, i don't think they were expecting such a big change. i don't think they were at all sure how to handle me. and right now, it just feels like they've decided to hit the road and turn their noses up at me.

there are days when i'm sad about it. when all i want back is them. those special, bright people. and i cry, because i miss what used to be.

there are days i'm so angry i'd like to throw a punch. i'd like to scream. i'd like to leave them behind and let them see how it feels. judge them. see how it all feels. just be done. cause sometimes, i really don't know how much more judgement i can take.

there are days when i want to forgive. and days when i don't.

days when i call them my enemies. days when i call them my friends.

and days, like today, where i am trying to find that place in between. not hate them, but not give them every piece of my heart, either.

because i know that until they can change- if they decide to change- until they can open up their eyes, i can't do anything. i can only sit back and pray that they come around. see that i do what i do for myself. that i became who i am today because i am choosing to follow God's plan for my life. trying to figure things out and becoming something new. something better than i was before.

i'm not rebelling against these people, i'm rebelling against normal. and what the world would like me to be. i'm rebelling against suffocating to death underneath all the legalistic expectations. i'm becoming my own person. i'm trying to be brave and take more leaps of faith more often.

the reason i cry these days is because it hurts to have loved ones turn against you. the ones you thought you could trust with everything. and when you find out you can't, then nothing feels stable. everything feels like it could come crashing down at any time. any moment. any second. and everything you worked so hard to build up for yourself could get taken away.

and you wonder if you should just wait to become your own person until you're free some day.

but if i've learned something recently, it's that i can't keep waiting.

because i could die tomorrow.

i really could.

and don't want to waste time dreaming about the day when i would be free. i want to be free today. right now. and look forward to tomorrow morning because i'll be free, then, too. do things without worrying about what people will say or think... or do. what i could lose for being me.

i'm sure that can sound like i'm a loose cannon, that i'm throwing away everything, but i'm not. if you knew me for my whole life, you'd know how reserved i was. how quiet i was because i was afraid i'd say something and people would laugh at me. make fun of me. how afraid i was of being in real relationships.

i was so afraid of screwing up.

and i still am.

so now it is time for me to be okay with people thinking i'm screwing up. i know i'm not. i know that painting my nails black and being in a rock band and wanting tattoos someday isn't sinful. and i can't keep living to please people. i have to live to please God and myself. i have to live, and be happy. holding nothing back.

* * *

so lately has meant trying to forgive, without letting myself latch onto the same people again. without letting myself believe that they are gonna be good friends from now on. i need to start to separate myself little by little.

i need people who are going to support me in becoming me. support my dreams. support my individuality. because that's all i'm trying to be. me. myself. and i. that's all. i don't expect people to agree with me, just not put what i love and have chosen for myself down. because that cuts me all up inside. they have no idea how much it really does hurt.

that's when my heart hardens and i can't keep from labeling them as the enemy. i'm trying to forgive, or wanting to, and then they push me to the ground. and when i have a hard time getting back up, that's when it feels like it's going to be a thousand years until i can let go and move on. forgive them for thinking i'm a worse sinner than they are.

because some days i want them to stay.
others i simply don't.

i'm trying to love. i'm trying to help heal these people's wounds and support them and give them words to help them up off the ground. i'm trying to laugh with them. but that's hard to do when they aren't helping me along this road. this shaky, shaky road. when, repeatedly, i get shoved to the dirt. with words. with looks that kill.

some days i want to forgive.
others i don't.

i'm riding the dividing line and i'm learning to place the unhealthy relationships outside my life.

the thing is, last time i did that, i ended up with a very broken heart and a stack of years to spend evaluating how i was going to ever heal. how i was ever gonna let go.

but this time, i want to be able to move on and be okay when the deed is done.

i don't want to spend years wondering if i did the right thing or mourning over the loss.

i want to not be afraid to walk this road by myself. without people, i mean. because i've got God. and He is showing me how even when people disappoint, He never will. He really never will do what people will do.

He's showing me i need to be confidant without people to tell me i should be. that i need to know i'm beautiful- inside and out- without people telling me i am. that what i love is beautiful. that the black nail polish is beautiful. that the dreams of tattoos and piercings are beautiful. that the skinny jeans are beautiful. that the rock band is beautiful. because i am beautiful. and because my heart is figuring out how to shine brighter through what i love.

and i am learning to love and accept bravery.

we'll win. because even when we were judged to the end, we forgave till the end.

i'm not a pro.

a pro at being a punk rocker or anything like that.

but i get what the real ones feel. what they feel every day. when it's impossible to walk through a grocery store without getting eye-balled. in a negative way. when you can feel all eyes on you. when you can literally feel the judgement.

the life of a punk rocker can involve a lot of hate. if you let it take it's natural course. because we get judged. and we get angry and hurt when people we love turn against us. normal. completely normal. it's okay to be angry. God doesn't expect anyone to never get angry. but He doesn't want us to stay angry. He doesn't want us to focus on the anger and what they did. He wants us to heal, and move on. and just accept that the people who don't accept us aren't going to change like we need them to. and after a while, i promise you, you do become okay with that. more and more each day. it's just about letting God have it all.

that doesn't mean i'm still never angry. i'll think that i'm boiling down sometimes. that i'm being forgiving. that it's getting better. but then something new always pops us. another stunt gets pulled, and i get hurt. always when i get judged. i get so mad again. and remember all the things they've ever did or said. it's then that i realize i never did heal. i never did really forgive at all.

i want to forgive. i want to learn what it means to completely, wholeheartedly, want to let go of my anger. and to not feel anything when it's all done. because lately, i've been a very angry girl. i have every reason to be angry, but not to hang on to it.

and i hate hanging on to it. i really do. i don't want to have all the anger and hate simmering, always ready to explode. like a time bomb waiting under my skin. cause that's what it feels like all the time. so when someone does come out and say something or give me a dirty look, the bomb finally does it's work.

* * *

lately i'd been thinking that the only way to finally be rid of all this misery was to be someone else. just be done with it all. because it had just become to much to bear. and i did try it. i went along with normal for about three days. and realized i hated it.

i've realized that my whole life, there will be people who accept me, and people who don't. people who love me, and people who hate what i do and so they don't like me. just because they don't understand what i do and why i do it. the reasons behind it all.

and i'm learning every day what it means to be okay with that. really and truly okay with that. not become angry every time i catch someone raise their eyebrows at me. because that's what i want. to walk confidently anyway, and at the same time, not hate right back.

i am miserable being angry. i don't like it. and i'm sick of it. sometimes i feel like, "it's their fault i'm angry! if they just would stop judging... !!!"

well i have a choice. i could lay around in resentment. or i could just brush it off.

i'm figuring out how it all is to brush it off.

to say, "it's okay you don't like these skinny jeans. or the fact that i listen to metal music. i am me. and you are you. and we are both beautiful in our own ways."

what is hardest is when the people i would consider to be "normal" come throwing stones. it's hard not to judge them. to hold back from screaming at them. because i could say- i would like to say, "you're normal! you don't express anything about yourself!" i could judge like they've judged me.

and lately, it seems like when i hang on to anger, i'm also judging them. because when you've been judged, it's hard to not judge right back. it's so hard not give in to that.

so dear punk rockers.

dear nerds.

dear brave hearts,

you're not alone.

and i get how it feels.

i get the pain.

i get the misery.

i get the hate.

i get the anger bubbling inside of you all the time.

i understand how much it hurts.

how you're ready to end it. throw away being who you are.

but don't. don't ever end it.

the only time you should ever change is if God is telling you to. never if a human is the one telling you to.

whatever is real to you is your own. even i might not understand it, but if it is special to you then that is all that matters.

but, still. there will be people who will judge you. and sometimes, people will hate you for you.

but even they need forgiveness.

and it's okay, i'm still learning this, too. i'm far from being a master at it.

but when we don't let go, we're no better than they are.

if we don't let go, it's 20 to 20. twenty of us being judged up against twenty judges. but if we can forgive, then it's like 20 to 1. twenty forgivers. 1 judge. because when we stand hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder in this thing, we'll win. we'll be the ones who wriggled free from normal. and we did the right things in the end. we became ourselves, and we forgave the haters.

and that is going to be better than holding on. so let's not care together. let's let go at the same time.

He's held on. and He's never let go.

lately has meant letting go.

letting go of what i want. letting go of what people think of me. letting go of relationships. letting go of staying comfortable.

----------------------------

i've been wanting to be normal some days. just put a quick and easy end to all the stares i get. i want to be honest in saying that throwing away my individuality has been a great temptation before. but in the end, it's always worth it. sure, this thing has cost me relationships and dreams and plans for the future. it's meant giving up a lot that i loved, but it's also meant replacing those things with something or someone much more worthwhile. things and people more beautiful. things and people that will grow me, stretch me, in the ways i need to be. things and people that will have a positive impact. not a negative one.

---------------------------- 

time and time again i used to let my shoulders fall forward when i would feel this doubt inside me. doubt that comes from people looking me up and down and turning up their noses. it hurts. i spent the better part of my life seeking desperately for the approval of people, so now it's something entirely foreign to me to turn that all around. it's good, but it's still hard.

lately has meant that even when people stand there and say i'm a mess, i must still throw my shoulders back and keep on walking. put them out of my head, because their opinions don't matter. and just keep walking.

it's meant pursuing my dreams and passions even when others won't understand them.

even the people i thought would always be here for me haven't been recently. when you change, it's definitely a good test for those you love. to see who's gonna stick around. be loyal. stay with you through it all. coming out as someone really different gave me a brand new set of eyes as to who my real friends were.

----------------------------  

letting go of relationships.

well.

where do i start?

it starts with a boy, and ends with a boy. in between there are a lot of other people. but he's the one on my heart a lot. he was the first one i really fell in love with. then after he broke my heart, i let myself fall for some other ones. i was weak, and i had my head and heart up in the clouds.

i spent a lot of time joking around about how i had three crushes at once, but in the end, it really was sad. i panicked. i just wanted to be loved. and i wasn't letting God fill up those empty spaces in my heart.

but in between the time of letting go of boys, i have been learning. and seeing who's real. who still loves me amidst the changes. the drastic changes. and like i said before, i'm surprised in the end by who's leaving and who's staying. it's been incredible. as heartbreaking as it has been to see the ones i thought would stay end up going, new relationships have covered up the old ones and filled me up in new ways.

so i'd like to talk about someone.

i'd like to talk about a really wonderful person named Anna.

Anna is in my band. she's the founder.

i remember our first meeting. i was so nervous. i wanted this thing to work out perfectly, but i just couldn't see it happening. no one seemed to like me anymore. since i'd changed. so i didn't have a lot of hope.

but she laughed with me. she laughed at all the stupid little things i would say. she understood the things that matter to me, and didn't see it as stupid to love them too much. she expresses herself like i do. she's struggled with being judged, like i do. she's passionate about music, like i am. she's got big dreams, like i do. she's hilarious. she's so sweet. she's so much fun to be around. i love this girl more than i can say.

and guess what? i've only met with her two times.

it's amazing to me how God can bring together two people and know why they need to be together. in the midst of all this sadness, in the midst of all the loss, God gave me Anna. she has been such a blessing in my life. to know that i am not alone. that i'm not weird. that i need to be me. that the real me is better than anyone else i could ever try to be. when i'm around her, i feel relaxed because i know there's no judgement. that she's going to appreciate my dreams.

----------------------------

in letting go of staying cozy and warm and comfortable, i have learned that i have not been growing. and that i probably won't be the hardcore rocker that i am today forever. i will change, and i hope to always be changing. changing into something more and more real. becoming more genuine every day of my life.

i was getting too settled. and i wasn't particularly happy with things. so once i realized i needed to change things up a bit, joy found it's way back in again. new ideas and new dreams and new energy came back. new faith.

just like before.

it got to a point by the end of last week where my motive behind dressing like i do wasn't where it used to be. where it needs to be. instead of me being me, it was more like "this is who i am! hate me! judge me! i dare you!" that sort of thing. an, "in your face" sort of thing. and i don't want it to be like that.

recently i'd been just kind of sitting in the same position. still angry at a lot of people. still trying to heal, but not really succeeding.

so as scary as it has been giving change a try, it's really only made things much better.

i was so scared to let go of people i have loved. like i was scared to try looking like a punk rocker all those months ago. i wasn't sure how it would all work out, but it did. it hasn't been easy, but it did work out. and i'm so much happier because of it. and my relationship with God is so much better off because of it.

i think that most people are scared of change in general. sometimes change can be extremely painful. believe me, letting go of a friendship and a boy or two has been hard. harder than i thought it'd be. but i'm learning to be okay. be okay without those people in my life. be able to be happy for them. because they have lives of their own to live, and i'm learning to live mine full out. not looking backwards, but always forward.

not lingering, not holding back, but running. running straight forward with a shield in hand. ready to take on whatever comes my way. not in hate, but in knowing that i am doing what i was made to be doing. all along.

and i'll love him for never asking me to change.

listening to: beautiful ending | barlowgirl

like i said yesterday, no one is ever worth changing yourself for.

not even a boy.

this is something i've been trying to press upon my heart lately.

because it's becoming easier to not care what people think of me. but when it comes to a guy i've always liked, that's harder.

he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would wanna be with a girl who looks like... well, me.

so sometimes it's tempting to change especially for him. do what it takes to get him to like me.

he broke my heart a couple months back. he stopped acting like he could've liked me. and ever since, i've been going through in my mind over and over again what might have changed. why he suddenly stopped paying attention to me. was it when i started to change, maybe?

i'll never know. and i'm trying to be okay with the not knowing. i'm trying to tell myself,  

"if he couldn't ever love me for me, then he wasn't the one."

because the one will love me for me. the one will love you for you, and no one else.

he'll love that i'm a complete klutz. he'll love that i sing and dance too much around the house. he'll love the fact that i have big, crazy dreams. he'll believe in them and want them for me. he'll love the way i dress a little extreme. the way nothing ever matches. he'll tell me i'm beautiful without makeup. he'll love my wrecked up story. he'll love Jesus. he'll give me grace. he'll cry with me. he'll laugh with me. he'll accept me.

so i'm waiting. i'm waiting to come across the right one. the one who accepts every part of me. the parts of me that some people never could.

makes me wonder if i've met him yet. and if i haven't, i can't wait until i do.

choosing joy.

hannah

because there is nothing ugly about anything that comes in the form of self-expression.

time and time again i have tried to find the right words.

tried to find the perfect words to describe how much i hate judgement.

sometimes i get a hold of them- the right words, the perfect words- but i never have a real grip. a firm grip. they're never words i feel like fully express how much i really feel about judgement. because i feel so much. so very, very much when it comes to this thing.

* * *

being judged has driven me crazy. insane. when i have felt like i know who i am. and how i am going to express that.

well people aren't always going to understand you, darling. they just won't, love. but they are never worth changing yourself over.

i made these decisions for myself because i felt God tell me i needed to make them. my decisions to look more like a punk rocker than- well, the girl i used to be. the sad girl. the worn out girl. the girl who just wanted to look "normal".

time and time again i've tried to explain this to the haters. but it never goes over well.

one line i seem to hear the most is,

"i wish you would... "

what?

change?

be the person you want me to be? because if i did do that, then i would be denying the person i was created to be here and now. the person God created me to be.

and i have seen so much good come from all of this so far.

wearing black nail polish was the first step i took towards being brave. and i remember girls i had know for years and years come out and say they had always liked it, but never felt like they owned the freedom to say they actually did. once i started doing it, they became bolder, too. which was a really amazing and beautiful thing to watch happen to each of those precious ones.

to walk through a grocery store and see a teenage guy dressed like a goth. to see him and smile. to give him a fist bump that says, "keep it genuine. keep it real, bro. don't give up. please don't ever give up. don't ever pretend. don't ever wear a mask. because it would only cover up something so much more beautiful."

to see people like me soften towards me, now that they know i will accept and love them for who they are. not judge, not hate. just love.

* * *

beauty comes in all forms.

beauty might be expressed through bright pink nail polish. or through black.

because we are all beautiful. each and every one of us. so we can't say any form of self-expression is ugly. we can't determine that. it's not our place to decide that.

and over the last year, my eyes have been more open to seeing beauty in everything. in everyone.

so when someone comes along, especially someone i love and trust, and they hate what i'm doing, it crushes me. it crushes my spirit. it hurts that they hate a part of me.

lately i think God's been toughening my skin up quite a bit. which has been difficult, and it's been a tender process for me, since i've always been a really, really sensitive person. ultra emotional over everything. but it's been really good for me.

i think He's leaving me sensitive to the feelings of people. to the places where they're hearts are hurting, but at the same time, making me stronger when it comes to those- well, the haters.

because lately, it just feels like there's a lot of them. crawling everywhere i look. like i can't escape.

and i know we all go through that.

whether they hate us for our religious beliefs, something we believe in, or something along the lines of self-expression.

but those people are the ones that are making me surer of who i am.

Jesus Himself had haters.

so as His follower, i know i'm going to have them, too.

i think a lot of people's trouble is they just can't see all the good. my purpose in it all.

because my purpose is to make a statement that says, "this is who i am. this is what i love. and i'm not afraid to be this person anymore."

but i'm still fighting many, many insecurities. i'm still healing. and i'm still letting God have all of this.

it's almost overwhelming sometimes. trying to heal from the words of people who hate what i do. because there's always something new to try and forgive. to mend from.

but in the end, i think it's important to know that somewhere in the world, there are others like us. i have already come across a couple, and they are some of the most beautiful people i think i've ever met. they are really, truly amazing. inside and out. how they let God have all of them. every part of who they were made to be. they hold nothing back.

but above all else, it is important to know who's words will mean the most. i could go on for hours about how special you are, how your uniqueness shines bright, but my words could never even begin to compare to the words of Jesus. a God who has a special mold for you to fit into. a mold made for you, and only you. it's all just about letting Him fit you into it. and once you have, i can't even begin to explain the happiness and satisfaction that will come from letting Him have who you are. because He made who you are, and who you dream of becoming. who you are should never be dimmed down. your light should never be hidden under a bowl.

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." 

- matthew 5:14-16

so.

so in essence, 

you will meet these people in your life who will be vain and they will think you shouldn't be "abnormally bright".

but i disagree.

be you, and true beauty is going to follow // The Real Bracelet giveaway

individuality- or at least my own personal views on individuality- get a whole lot of... stuff.

stuff like judgement.

i can't even put into words how much it hurts to be judged. and to watch other people be judged. for what they believe. for their own personal decisions. but mostly, just for being who they are. staying true to who they know they are.

judgement has helped in the molding of me. the making of me. judgement was there to see if i would still stay true to myself. when it felt like the whole world was against me, it was always about remembering the only person who could ever completely accept me one hundred percent was Jesus. that He loved the fact that i was embracing this new me. this new me i was made to be. and i know now that this is the person i am supposed to be every day of my life. not every now and then or just when i feel comfortable being different. but every day. thanks to God, i finally know.

but, knowing doesn't always make it easier. i'd be lying big time if i said it was easy being yourself.

* * *

i think a lot of people tend to be afraid of things they don't understand. and a lot of times i tend to think people are judging me, when they might just be a little afraid of how different i am. which is okay, and it's expected. especially if they've known me since i was a little kid. i've definately changed a lot since then. but sometimes we have to determine whether it's judgement, or just the fear of the different.

but the reason i think i often jump to the conclusion that someone is judging me is beaucause every day, when i step out of my house and into the world, wearing dark makeup and skinny jeans and black nail polish, i'm already on edge. i'm tense and nervous, and i don't know what people will think. or worse, what i'll hear them say. i'm happy with who i am, but i can honestly say i'm not completely sold on all of this yet. i love it, and it is a part of what makes up me. but this is different. and as much as i love and embrace different, i'm still adjusting to it all and accepting the fact that i might not be embraced by everyone for it. i guess you could say i'm still just afraid of not being loved. i guess you could say there's still wounds to be healed.

so i'm learning to let go of what people think of me. let go of the need to have their approval. and hold on to God and cling only to what He says about me. what He says about all of us who are daring enough to be the people He made us to be.

* * *

i've recently received a couple of emails. with words that hurt. i think we can all say that we know how much words can hurt.

i've been told i look dark.

i've been told i'm sinning.

i've been told i'm a bad example.

but really, i stand for individuality. i stand simply for being the person God created you to be. and holding nothing back. because i think a lot of people say they want you to be yourself, but in reality when we do become ourselves, they think it's all just too different. maybe what they say goes something like this,

"you can be you, as long as you don't stand out."

i thought we were supposed to stand out, though? if we blended in, doesn't it defeat the purpose? shining is our purpose. and we're all gonna shine different. none of us outshine one another, but we all look different. we all are different. this is what i try to get across in the way i dress.

well some of us like to wear sweat pants. some of us like to wear black skinny jeans. it's whatever you want for yourself. it's whoever you know you need to be. and i think that doing whatever it is you need to do is the best thing you could ever do for yourself.

my own way of self expression is not only through my clothes, but through music and through dance. but those are how i do things. those are some of what God placed on my heart to love. to make up me.

i have a dear friend who absolutely loves obsesses over the tv show Dr. Who. this show has become such a big part of her life. she's passionate about it. and i love that about her! it's something that she found expresses who she is. and i love watching her be unafraid of what people will say about her crazy fandom. because sometimes i don't understand it, but it's what she loves. and i love my friend, so i choose to love this perfectly beautiful, unique part of her. it's a piece of her tender heart that i love getting to see shine bright. to see glow.

"you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious, the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse."  - philippians 4:8

when i read these words, i look at what i try to do. what i try to express in how i dress and in the kind of music i choose to listen to. because what i do may come across as a bit dark to some people. but it's only because they haven't dug deep enough to find out who i really am. and why i do what i do.

and what i am is a girl who doesn't like black nail polish because she was depressed. she wears it because she figured out, through the depression, who she really was. what she really liked. and these are the things that i like. through a lot of self discovery, i found out what i was passionate about. and passion is unique. so this is unique to me.

i don't have it all figured out yet. i really hope that no one ever thinks i do. cause i don't. every day i am learning more about this person i am becoming. i can't wait, though, to see what i'm like in the end. and in the end, i think that all the stares and all the words that burn will be worth it. i know they will. because thus far, they have been. i wouldn't take it all back. ever. sure, there are hard days when i wonder if it's even worth it. but being original is being obedient to God, too, i think. acknowledging that He made no mistake when He created the perfectly wonderful you.

all i want- all i have ever wanted and will ever want- for each of you is that you find yourself. and that then, you would find the strength to be yourself. the strength that comes from God. the strength to go into full bloom.

so i want to give you something.

so i'm having my first giveaway.

i started manufacturing these bracelets a couple months back, but haven't had the time to get an online shop up and running. so until that actually happens, i'm giving away a handful of them.

they are pink, silicone wristbands that read "genuine" on the front and "always choose real" on the back side.

i have my own bracelet. and whenever i wear it, it's a constant reminder for me to not be afraid of who i am. to always choose real. to be all that this blog stands for. to be all that hannah is and all that makes up her.

and if i could, i'd take your hand in mine and press this bracelet into your palm. i'd say "i hope this helps. i hope this helps you to always stay strong. it's making me stronger all the time. and i want that for you. and i know you will find the strength to do that. there's no doubt in my mind that you will find it."

i'm giving away five of these bracelets. and i pray that whoever gets them will be blessed by their message. so, if you want the chance to own one, here's how to enter:

• comment, letting me know you'd like to enter for a chance to win The Real Bracelet. also, tell me a little of how you've applied being genuine to your own life.

and that's it! simple as that. i am so super stoked about these, guys. i hope you are as pumped as me!

i love you all. know that i am always praying for the finding of your own individuality. for each of you. because i know that the real you is worth praying for. that none of it is ever a waste. because you're not a waste, you're beautiful. and you won't be shaken.

choosing joy,
hannah

*giveaway ends may 25th

you don't give up, i don't give up.

for the last year, i've been living each day as a praise dance to God that i am still alive.

just grateful.

just happy to still be here.

glad to be out of the pit.

glad to be rid of the depression.

then there was these last couple of weeks.

i've been missing haiti so much.

i've also had plenty of time to think.

think about this girl i'm becoming.

think about whether i'm willing to sacrifice "normal".

because i could fit in. i'm pretty good at that after trying so hard for so long.

but lately, i'm becoming more and more okay, even confident, with being weird. being different. sometimes, really different.

i've learned that yes, i will lose a lot in the process. but i will also gain so much more. and i think that in the end, this will all be worth it.

it's just about fighting for what i stand for. and i stand for originality.

these things that i am choosing for me, they won't always be understood by everybody. but all that matters is that i do these things for myself. and no one else. i do them because i know God is calling me to do them.

and that's another thing.

lately has been crushing. really crushing and really hard.

and i was getting the old feelings back.

the old sadness from the old days was coming back. and covering me up. so much that i could actually feel the light inside me dimming. it was going out slowly.

i haven't been around because i haven't felt motivated. i'll be honest: i've been sad. i'm been very sad. i haven't been wanting to get out of bed. i haven't wanted to dance. i haven't wanted to blog. because i couldn't seem to find the words. i felt weak and i felt like i was falling backwards. which was terrifying. i couldn't understand why God would bring me so far to only let me go now. i couldn't understand why He would have me be the author of a blog about recovery from depression, and then just throw me back into it all again.

but, somewhere inside me, i knew i just had to keep on clinging to Him, even though i didn't know what was going on with this heart. because i really didn't have the slightest clue as to what was going on with me. i've just been feeling really sad for the first time in a long time, and i didn't completely know why.

* * *

the last couple weeks have involved a lot of fighting for who i am. who i'm not done becoming. which can sometimes be scary, when you don't completely understand who you're fighting for. because i don't completely have this new me figured out. all i know is i will be braver, i will be more colorful. i will laugh more, be silly more. sing out loud more. i will share my story more.

and my story doesn't involve a whole lot of happiness.

it isn't pretty. it's pretty bleak.

it's sad. it's ugly.

but something i am becoming okay with is my story. saying "this is who i am, and i am beautiful. and this story has the power to heal other people. so i will tell it."

my story is about a girl who struggles with sadness. my story is about a girl who always escapes, though, through her God.

and i plan to always escape, but that doesn't mean there aren't hard days.

that doesn't mean there aren't ever nights when i don't cry myself to sleep.

and maybe that's why lately, i've been slipping and falling a little more.

i think i was getting a little to comfy. i think i was thinking that the better part of my suffering was over.

and truth is, it is not.

i will suffer- we will all suffer- our entire lives.

but when we've got this incredibly great God on our side, we can defeat everything and anything.

* * *

lately i've been waking up every morning feeling this alone feeling. this gap, this hole in my chest. like i used to all the time.

believing there aren't others out there really and truly like me.

and i didn't understand why God would have me feeling that way.

i hated the feeling so much, it was killing me. swallowing me whole.

then i met Anna.

Anna is the founder of the band i am in now.

i remember going home after i first met her and plopping down on the kitchen floor. i ate a cookie and drank some milk. i kept thinking about how she got all my jokes. laughed at the same stupid things as me. listened to all the same music as i did. liked the fact that i wear "rocker boots". :)

and i started to cry.

i can't express how thankful i felt- how i still feel.

and these days, when i look back, i think that God let me feel a little alone just to see where i stood. to see if i was really going to stay strong in being myself. to see if i would give up and go running back to normal. and now that He's seeing i plan to stay weird, i believe He's letting me know there's others out there like me. and leading me to them, bit by bit.

meeting Anna opened up this whole other world to me. and it's a world i want to be a part of.

* * *

so lately... lately has been shaking me up.

lately has got me feeling like there is this other side to being genuine.

when i think of genuine, i think of being real and true to who you are.

but also, now, i think we've got to be genuine with what our story is.

because no one's story is perfect. they're never cut from a cookie cutter. they're hand-shaped, which i like much better.

and this blog involves a lot of truth. a lot of painfully tough truth.

but this is okay. and this is good.

i want to be okay in saying there were nights over the last couple of weeks when suicide kept creeping back into my mind. which scared me so bad i wanted to scream. i would sit in bed and hold my head and just cry. and shake. and not know what was going on. where my God had gone or if He was still planning on sticking around.

i don't want this blog to look like i've got my stuff together. because i don't. and i don't believe anyone ever quite does. or ever will.

but that is the beauty of life, i think. and that is the beauty of my story and yours. that in the end, our God will shine through.

this recent pit that i was in, it's a chapter in my story and it's coming to a close. and i am glad that the suicidal thoughts are going away, again.

but i don't want to push it to the back of the closet and forget it. i want to remember it and treasure it and tell the world about it.

because i don't see depression as a weakness. and i don't see it as something to be ashamed of.

we've all been sad. and we're certainly all broken. so i don't want to see another person left without a friend when they're in that kind of a place. a dark place like depression. the side of depression that makes you want to end your life. get rid of your whole future and all the possibilities.

i thought about stopping this blog, but in the end, i knew i couldn't.

because in the midst of wanting to end my life in the middle of the night, i kept thinking i could never do it. i thought, "if i give up, i'm basically telling all the people of this world it's not worth it."

which is stupid. because it is worth it.

it's just about finding the strength in yourself- the strength that comes from God alone- to pull yourself out of the pit.

and i know it can be so dark some days, sweet heart. i really do know and i get it.

but the fight is always worth it in the end.

so let's make an agreement between us, okay? let's say this: 

you don't give up, i don't give up.

we'll make it out of this alive, you and i.

we're gonna be okay.

we'll get through this and we'll be okay.

coming out as hayley.

lately i have felt like each day, when i get dressed and look at myself in the mirror, i am a different person every time.

there are days when i don't feel like i am expressing who i am through what i wear. which makes me feel restricted. because fashion, i believe, is the biggest way to express ourselves.

lately, i have felt like i just dress as "normal" as possible to fit in.

lately, i have been looking to hayley williams (lead singer of the band Paramore) for fashion advice.

although i can't say that one hundred percent of what she wears is modest, i absolutely adore her style. i love the way she puts things together. i love how free she is. i love how nothing she wears matches. but i love her uniqueness most of all.

so in short, i basically think that hayley here is the best.

her confidence, too, is something i really admire.

i want to be able to display that kind of confidence in my own self.

so as of today, i am re-inventing myself as hayley williams.

i want to express all that i am through what i wear.

i don't want to care about blending in with the rest of my piers.

not anymore.

xx and happy sunday, loves!

hannah.

someday, there will be people who will love you for YOU.

when within the last year i started figuring out who i was again, i started giving everyone i loved, it seemed, this kind of test.

to see if they would still love me if i changed.

because, you see, i have completely changed.

i wanted to know if people would still love me if i started wearing black nail polish. if my interests and activities and even my passions and dreams changed completely.

i wanted to know that i would still be accepted if i started pushing myself to be more of an extrovert than an introvert.

* * * * *

a year ago, i took a good look at all my favorite bands. all of them were outgoing people who loved life everyday and didn't care what the world thought of them. they always stayed true to who they are.

i loved that about them all, and it inspired me.

it inspired me to take a good look at my own life.

when i saw me, i saw a girl who was afraid of stupid things all the time. who worried about what people would think of her way too much.

i've learned so much about myself just by starting this blog.

i learned that there was a me that no one still even quite knows, waiting to be set free.

i learned that music is my whole world.

i learned that i like tattoos.

i learned that i want to be a rocker some day.

i learned that it is important to always dream. and to always fight for your dream.

to not let negative people come between you and what you want for yourself.

i learned that part of loving is accepting.

i learned that i'd been wearing a mask for a very, very long time. i wore the mask just to make the people around me happy and pleased with the girl in front of them.

i was covering up who i was because i was afraid i'd lose the relationships i already had if i changed to much into the person i was becoming. the person i was meant to be.

not because the real me was bad or wrong, but because i know that people don't always love- well, a little bit different.

* * * * *

dear dreamer, who thinks there is no one like her,

there is.

there just is.

i know how it feels to have people all around you who don't understand why you like certain things or do certain things.

but i promise you, you will find people like yourself.

you will find the ones out there who believe in your dreams.
who build you up.
who understand your jokes and the way you say things.

but until then, know that there is a God who loves you, and believes in you more than any person in the world ever could. He knows you are going to do great, great things for this world. He's just wanting you to be brave enough to take the next step towards your destiny, darling.
and i want that for you, too.

joy always,
hannah

long live the reckless and the brave.

reck·less 1. utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action; without caution; careless (usually followed by of ): to be reckless of danger. 

brave 1. possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance.

lately i've been contemplating this one thing a lot. i guess because i am growing up and rapidly changing as a person, it just so happens that the subject of doing my dreams comes to mind quite frequently.

i have also been thinking that people today seem to all be going by the same road. and it usually goes something like this:

(1) school

(2) college

(3) get a job

and usually, the job tends to be something they just do to earn a living. to get that paycheck. not anything that they really are all that passionate about.

it's just something they do to pay the bills.

i think i've always just planned on going in that order because that's how everyone else was doing it. but lately, i've been thinking that it really is okay not to. if i wanted. if i don't want to go to college, that's going to be okay. i don't need to feel the shame that the world throws at those who make the choice not to. i believe that God doesn't write college into the story of every person He creates. but that's what makes us all so unique.

at this point in my life, i don't know what the plan is after highschool. but i don't want to always feel locked into the idea that i must go to college, or else i will have no life.

i believe it all kind of ties into the idea of originality. you know, being you and not just choosing the road that people would prefer you to choose. besides, you get way more joy and satisfaction out of building a road yourself. then, someday, you can say that it was you and it was Jesus that built that road. and no one else intervened in the making of it.

you can then honestly say that you had the heart to do the right thing for yourself.

so i think that a lot of us are raised believing that that is the road we must take. The Three Steps. i'm not discouraging a college education, but i also don't think it's for everybody.

maybe for you, it's the opposite story. you may want to go to college, but you've got the dream-bashers who'd say it would be better to not try for that extra education. to not pursue a career quite that high up in the sky. but in your heart, you know what star you want to reach for.

either way your story goes, bravery is vital.

* * * * *

lately, i've been listening to The Reckless And The Brave by the band All Time Low a lot. and so the idea of being reckless and brave has been swimming around in my mind a lot, too. when i think of the phrase, i think of caring less what people think and simply following the path i know is right for me.

because it's about discovering your own thing. and then sticking to it. never letting anyone lead you away from it. because i guarantee you, someone in your life will try. and they will try hard. but you must always remember to stay strong and believe in who you are meant to be. and remember this, too: if God is for us, who can be against us?

so whether it's making the decision to go to college, or following the career you know you were created to pursue, you will always have the doubters. and this applies to all aspects of life, but right now, i feel that choosing a path to my future is where i find myself the most.

in the end, i believe that sometimes you've gotta be a little reckless.
and you've definitely always got to remember to be brave.

long live, sweetheart. long live all of those of us who are reckless and brave enough to be dreamers. who aren't afraid to live full out. because in the end, that's all it really is. living fully by faith in Jesus that He's got this completely amazing plan for each and every one of us.

choosing joy,
hannah

2013 // the year of action.

song for the year: start over by the afters

funny name for a year, i know. a lot of people these days seem to be naming their years things like peace, focus, simplify, or something of the sort. but mine is a bit unusual, i know.

action.

when i think of the word, i think of me, taking action. taking everything i learned last year and putting it into motion this year.

now that i've got an idea of who i am, it's time to start actually being me. doing things the way this new hannah would do them.

i have so many resolutions involving taking action this year. but one more thing i've added to the list that doesn't exactly blend into the mix is going to be rather hard, for me. it's something i've felt called to doing for a while now, but have been putting off because it seemed too impossible.

while browsing facebook the other morning, i stumbled across a quote by one of the boys of for king and country:

" S o m e  t i m e s   a   f r e s h   s t a r t   i s   t h e   v e r y   t h i n g   t h a t   i s   n e e d e d   f o r   u s   t o   p u t   p a i n f u l   t h i n g s   i n   t h e   p a s t .   A   n e w   y e a r ,   
a   n e w   b e g i n n i n g . "  

- luke smallbone

he is so right. and it got me thinking. about my friend. maybe this is the year that i stop dwelling. that i stop trying to move on. because i've felt stuck in the same place for a while. like i've just been trying to get away from the lonely feeling i always get when i think of her. maybe this is the year i really try to forget about her. not completely, because it is impossible to ever forget somebody who gave me so much to remember. but just to try to ignore those sad, sickening feelings i get when she comes to mind. try to move on. try to maybe press myself a little more than i ever have. not shove myself off a cliff, but a little push to get me going forward. get me moving again.

i've had my time to mourn. and i don't want to be stuck in that same place for my whole life.

it's just a resolution back there in my mind at the moment. i want it, but sometimes, i don't completely believe it will be attainable. so i'm going to attempt it, and see what comes up out of just trying.

* * * * * * 

i've planned and i've planned for years and years. but this is the year i actually say, "action". this will be the year that i stop saying that it will happen someday and say that it will happen today.

and i am so looking forward to it all. i am excited to be able to see myself in a year and say, "look how far i've come. look how far Jesus has brought me."

i don't want to stay the same, honestly, as i am today. i'm not done being fixed and i want to spend 2013 letting Jesus have every part of me. letting Him have His way. in every way. 

so here is my proposal to myself:

i propose that i be braver, stronger, sillier. 

more outgoing. more mindful. more helpful. 

worry less. relax more.

i propose that i make less plans and do things more at the spur of the moment.

i propose that i listen less to what the world says and more to what my heart says.

i propose that this be a year to break any chains left unbroken. 

i propose that this be the year that i start over. finally wipe the slate clean and begin writing my own story instead of some cliche story that someone else has already written.

happy new year, world. happy 2013.

may this be the year you face the very things you've been afraid of facing for so long.

i believe in you. i know you can reach everything you didn't think you could.

xx,

hannah