for the brave.

it's taken forever, but i think i've finally gotten to the point where i can actually believe in myself again. know that whatever it is i want to do, i can do it, with the help of God. 

i've got this new confidence that i sure as heck didn't have this time last year.

sometimes i find a picture of me, from a year ago. and my heart breaks for myself. i can see and understand all that hidden pain behind my eyes. how did i ever let myself get so far gone?

well none of it matters anymore. what matters now, today, is that i am starting to make different choices.

but all that always seemed too impossible to reach, has happened. i got out of that desert place in my relationship with Jesus. i felt His forgiveness and His healing. i am able to forgive myself now. i am able to forgive others for what they've done to me. i still struggle, but life is so much more beautiful than it was this time last year.

all of this, every piece of it, has got me believing again.

and now i want to talk about the struggle called youth, in general. some people say it starts in highschool. some say it starts in college. my struggle began somewhere in middle school, and into the beginning of highschool. now, as a sophmore, my world is much much sweeter than it was back then. and i can see it getting easier every day now.

it's Jesus, and it's always been Jesus. but like i've said before, i believe He has put so many great people in my life as influences to help me keep pressing forward in the fight for my soul.

one musician out of many who has greatly impacted my life is John Nolan of the band  

Taking Back Sunday, who made this video as a part of the It Gets Better Project:

when i first watched this, the tears came. i've been in that place, and i still am. and i know what it's all like, trying to be the person people want you to be just to please them but feeling all the while like it's not right. because i've always known there was someone way better that i could be. not this person i felt oppressed to be. i didn't want to feel pressured into being this kind of person. i wanted to feel the freedom that came with being my own person.

i am still always taking John's advice here. i'm not done. i'm not finished.

this post, today, is for the brave. for the people who know who they are. for the people who don't yet. who want to be brave, but just haven't found the strength to do it yet. i understand. it can be so rough some days, i know. it's frustrating. and eventually, it just makes you angry and hurt.

but in the end, it doesn't matter what they think of you. the right people will love the person you have been hiding. and it may not go over perfectly in the beginning. it hasn't for me. and it takes time to grow into your own wings and adjust them and figure out how they work and what they can do before you can actually fly. that's where i am, today. i know who i am. i just have to learn more about myself before i can really, truly take flight.

so wherever you are, whoever you are, i love you for trying. and i believe in you. and so do so many people who have been where you are.

just keep going. and just keep reminding yourself that someday, there will be an end to this struggle. don't give up. i promise you that there will be struggles all over the place in life, but this one won't last forever. no pain will. it all ends at some point. the point where Jesus heals us. the point where He takes another circumstance and uses it to mold us.

just keep fighting, love. it gets better. so much better. trust me.

choosing joy,

hannah